Tanggap ko na, Jane at Wanda. Inaamin kong isa akong abusador na sinusulit jacket ng kaibigan ko at hindi ko pa rin kinukuha yung damit ko sa laundromat mga 3 weeks na lol I think haha

Lamog na lamog na utak ko please lang

 Pagod na ako ano kaya gagawin ko next week

Tinatamad din akong gupitin bangs ko haha huhu grrrrrrrrrr

Update: kinuha ko na labada ko but lol if this ain't me

 Nakakatamad mag exist stoko na lang magkulong

 The yearning has died down. I'm good. Just tired.

 Maybe I just love you, but I'm not in love with you. I hope so. 

Are soulmates true?

Because if they are, you just might be mine.

I don't think I'll ever tell you this, but you're the best person in my life. By far. You've been around from when I still had dreams and till now that I don't have any.

Maybe you're just supposed to show me I can be treated right. Maybe you're just supposed to show me the kind of love I want, but you can't be the one I'd love like that because it's your hand I'll be holding when he doesn't come home at night. It's your shoulder I'll be crying on in case we'll have fights. It's you I'll be calling first thing once we've made up. You'll be the constant in my life, I hope, just as I will be yours.

Just as I will be yours.

Maybe I can't have you the way I want to now because we're supposed to have something stronger.

I'll have to think of it like this to help me sleep at night.

This is not poetry or prose, just another letter maybe that won't see the light of day. Or maybe except for a stranger on this cramped space on the internet.

There's so much of the world we have yet to see, and we are both still young, and they say things might even turn around for me over time, but I can't really delude myself like that. I'm old enough to discern that we can't count on possibilities because they're nothing more than that until they happen, and this one's not within my control. You've already said no once, and I don't think you're one to change your mind over things like this, though I still wish you would.

Of course, you won't.

A lot can change in the years to come, but I hope we'll still have each other. It may not be like right now anymore, and that's alright. You said it yourself—when the time comes that we grow apart, I want us to be able to smile at the thought of each other.

I hope you know you have my back, that I'll mourn with you and cry for you and laugh with you, laugh at you, and all that.

I don't understand how you've come to mean this much to me, but you do now anyway. I want the world for you. I cannot pick out the best words to let you know how much I want the greatest things in life for you. So I won't say a thing. And I'll hold back on all these. No biggie. I need to develop restraint, anyway.

But you'll have my time. And you'll have me. It might not amount to much, but I hope it counts for something.

You told me some time last year to pour my feelings out and write to you. I'm grateful for this chance. Here's your letter. I'm sorry it's long overdue. I don't think this will be the last. 

 Can't I have both? :( Please naman, cosmos :( or maybe it's the kdrama. But the yearning is a little too strong today.

 Ang masasabi ko lang ay wala ka talagang mapagkakatiwalaan at gusto ko nang lumaklak ng Neozep kasi letseng sipon 'to, hindi na nawala, and if taking many of those does something else, I won't complain either. This week has been crappy so far for me, and god, I just want the year to be done and over with. Heck, my life can end and I'll be a happy man. 

Umiyak na naman ako sa work today. Ang masasabi ko lang ay pagod na ako ayoko na talaga. Lol. 

Sana ang true love para na lang din sweldo para kahit paano, kahit pakiramdam mo ang tagal-tagal bago dumating, sigurado kang dadating din. Hayst.

Wow, this is really turning out to be such a terrible week. I want to go home and get some fucking sleep. Mukhang magiging daily occurrence ata ang pag-iyak sa office. I'm just so fucking tired. 

Time check, 6:21 AM

Nagsabi pa bago kong manager na if we weren't picky daw sa vaccine pwede niya raw kami ilista. Like who's she calling picky? Medyo nakakairita. Or if grammar lapse yon, ayusin niya. Like good for her, may connection siya at nakapagpabakuna siya. Good for her. 

Sa totoo lang napupuno na ako. Abangan na lang kung ano mangyari. Nawa'y matuluyan na rin kung topakin bigla kasi di na ako natutuwa. Napupuno na talaga ako. Di ko na alam anong gagawin lol

 It's not going to happen, not in this lifetime. And that's totally okay. The person I like will find someone else he likes whom he's going to do all sorts of crazy stuff for. And while it stings bc it won't be me, it's okay. I really need to get a move on. Lol. Idk how. I'm sure this will all die down one of these days. I fucking hope so. 

Naisip ko kanina na parang nakakababae na 'to ah, pero medyo nasa tamang pag-iisip pa naman ako so I can deduce that that is illogical. Ganun talaga, may kanya-kanyang desisyon ang mga tao pero grabe na twoah rold!!!!! Ang tamlay pa ng tteokbokki sa Mr. Park. Ang lungkot!! stoko lang ng true love my god

parang stoko na rin pamigay aso ko pagod na ako

I need to get lotsa stuff out of my system. I know it's not so hard to just hook up, but I don't want to go that route anymore. That doesn't do me any good, and it also only leaves me wondering if I'm good for nothing but hook ups. Lol. Sana balang araw may magmahal na rin sa akin charez ang corny gago 

Ayoko na magwork shuta

Nasabihan ako ng isang kaibigan ko na dapat ko nga raw 'tong tantanan kasi kahit siya raw di niya raw nakikitang mamahalin ko raw yung crushie ko as boyfriend, parang hanggang friends lang daw talaga dapat kami. Siguro nga. Bahala na. Di ko naman pinagpipilitan sarili ko. Ibibigay ko na lang 'to sa sarili ko hanggang mawala 'to. Hanggang ngayong taon na lang. 

TIME CHECK, 4:30 AM. PUTANGINA AMPANGIT NG ARAW NA 'TO TALAGA NAGSWIMMING SA INIDORO YUNG SALAMIN KO YAWA  nakakasad na talaga.

Hi, naglalakad na ako pauwi. 5:48 AM. Nasira tsinelas ko. Hindi ko rin na-hit target sa trabaho. Baduy talaga ng araw na 'to. Naisip ko rin, bakit ko hahayaang invalidate ng iba yung nararamdaman ko eh ako naman nakakaramdam nito? Madami namang nagsasabing para lang daw tropa turing ko sa mga gusto ko. Eh anong gagawin ko???

Tas naalala ko nasabihan rin ako dati na yung bf ko raw parang kaibigan lang din turing ko. Eh shuta??? Anong gagawin ko???

Rold ayoko na pong maging bespren ng bayan pero di naman ako mahilig lumandi. I can only give them my time.

I'm fucking tired na ha.

Nah, I'll get over these thoughts. I'm normally okay. I'm just tired today 

 I had a weird dream. I dreamt this person I like kissed me. God ang mali. Maybe I should stop this break. I think I need to start looking for someone else. I really cannot like him. It's weird because this person doesn't like me back and this is futile. I really should just stop this. Natatakot na ako na baka lumalim pa 'to. Kawawa ako.

One thing I learned is it's the person that matters, and if this goes on, I might lose him. I wish I could share the full details to you, but I can't. Lol you'd laugh at me if you knew. Even I find it ironic and funny that's why when I woke up, I made a mini-facepalm. This is so wrong. I'm just getting more invested here. Speaking of invested, I finished a comic about Spongebob and Patrick fighting and becoming monsters and I also learned about the secret ingredient of krabby patty.

I wish I dreamt of that instead.

 hello sinusubaybayan mo na naman ako ahahah do you feel like youre babysitting me ahaha sorry sa abala but thanks for being there im ok so far. kanfeermd nang hindi ako gagraduate pa pero it ok i really dont want to yet. i hope ure ok too. im rooting for u!!!

 Alam mo narealize I really cannot like that person I like. I really really really really really really cannot like him:(((( Souper sad and also drunk

Hindi pa naman talaga ako ga-graduate this year for sure gawa ng back subject ko na PE. Alam ko namang nagmumukmok lang ako sa sulok madalas and nakikipag-socialize with a select few sa klase ahaha and this will be corny af but allow me this just quick, na-realize ko gawa ng mga kaklase ko na the burden an individual carries can be beaten by a community that cares.

I still want to drink, and I still question my purpose and self-worth, but I don't feel as crappy as I did the last few days. This is so corny but all I want to say is I have more things to feel grateful for than to be sad about at the moment. Life isn't the best, but I'll get by right now.

Honestly, when I woke up earlier, I just wanted to curl up on my bed until it's Monday and I then go to work. I was even just going to open Netflix and binge whatever, but my classmates' messages started flooding in the moment I turned on my mobile data. I changed my mind and got up instead, left for the office right after cleaning up after my puppy. 

My laptop is currently broken that's why I'm using my office computer. I caught up a bit on the activities I missed out on. There's still this translation task that's past due, but I spoke to our head and promised to make up for it on the next episode. 

Hindi ko pala kailangan ng jowa. Ang kailangan ko lang ay tawagin akong bebi ng mga kaibigan ko hmp

 I'm really sad and I want to self-harm. I suppose it's a good think I don't really like physically hurting myself. I don't want to talk to people. I'm waiting for my officemate to leave finish up at work right now, but that's about it. I want to go home and curl up on my bed and I don't think I'd care so much if the world was ending. There was a strong earthquake earlier where I was. I just feel like utter shit, honestly. 

 I have decided to hindi ako magboboyfriend hangga't hindi naaayos ang aking mga ngipin haha baka maaga ako magpustiso sa lagay na 'to. Magkaka-love life pa ba ako nito

 Para akong naiiyak pero walang lumalabas, and so we wait. Anyway, sinasabi ko nga sa'yo ampretty ko kanina hahaha medyo kailangan ko ng validation pero parang hindi na rin

Anyway, bahala na bahala na bahala na

Parang gusto kong uminom

Have I ever recommended a song to u? Check mo to https://youtu.be/U58RIlbGfq4

I like their other song called, "VLS" idk what it stands for but I like it and think of this person I like when I hear it anw gnite slep na me good morning or gnite sau

Edit: I'm back. I've been thinking abt how this unrequited thing is actually good bc it's teaching me not to jump at any possible opportunity to be in a relationship and take my sweet time enjoying myself instead. It gets lonely for sure, pero I'm learning to not flirt back sa mga taong hindi ko naman talaga gusto pero nagpakita ng konting motibo. Haha. If someone liked me for real, they'll do enough to make it known, and if they aren't doing that, then alam ko na. Hahaha. I feel proud na I haven't been going out with guys so much. Tipid din. Hahahaha.

Need ko ng PhilHealth ID para sa GCash ko.

I won't be brilliant, but I just want to live the rest of this little life I have in peace.

Gusto kong uminom at magsoundtrip with a friend I can talk about anything. Tapos may mga masasabi din siyang wala sa script, yung di ko inaasahan. 

I forgot I uploaded this earlier this year. This will be lengthy. I'm so fat but who else will see this, right?

https://youtu.be/6O825H-9388

ang tamlay tamlay today parang gusto ko ng jowa at cuddle hayst pero im ok masaya ako today kasi naka jebs ako after 2 days of being constipated 

pero yung emotionally constipated eme still remains unresolved. 

im taking a break right now from all my supposed commitments

i was drinking sometime last yr and i chanced upon an old exchange between me and a friend and i mentioned na wedding vow na namin ba yun and i cringed because ATHENA HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING OUT THERE 

Nakakahiya :( why do i wear my heart on my sleeve

Tangina nakakahiya talaga kadiri ahahah athena bakit ka ganyan!!!!!!! nakakahiya kaya dapat hindi ako ganun nakakahiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa gusto kong umuwi na 

nasa-sad ako sa totoo lang like souper sad minsan parang gusto kong umiyak pero parang constipation, hindi ko siya mailabas-labas sa di malamang dahilan ahaha :( 

also, naayos na mej ang aking sleeping sched when i started taking melatonin. by the way sana okay ka lang today. ang hirap maging adult, ano? 

okay ka lang ba? parang im worried about you kasi ako i have you pero ikaw who do you have? sana meron ka ring ikaw the same way i have you and my other friends

maulan pa naman sometimes it worsens people's moods. hmmmmmmmmmm

hope it's nicer on your side of the planet, maybe you've been vaccinated already and you can go out with people whose company you enjoy haha if youre not filipino then ure lucky. if ure indian, i mourn with you ahah. if ure western, yay! if ure korean, marry me hahahaha joke lang i dont like the language barrier and i dont like the idea of having to speak english 24/7 gusto ko lang mahiga pag uwi at bumuntong-hininga at magmura nang malutong 

ive downed about 4 cups of coffee na and it isnt really pushing me enough to work ahahah but thats okay, i can forgive myself. i hope u can too on days when ure not at your best, or years. kasi there will be other years to make up for it. ahaha., if youve come across this little blog of mine, that means masamang damo ka rin and that means u still have a lot of years to go (now whether this is a good thing or not, idk lol)

 Remember my post yesterday? Came across this now :))

 I noticed that I don't take photos of my face as much as other people and it would've been okay if the reason for it is because I don't care, but the truth is, I do care. The only thing keeping me from taking selfies is my immense dislike for my face.

I felt like I wanted to show my face on Facebook because "face" book? But when I went through my photos on my Google Drive, there's isn't anything recent that is decent. Lol.

So I tried taking selfies to, you know, push my brain into accepting that this is the face I have whether I like it or not. But idk. I didn't really like it. My skin's glowy tho, but may breakout ako sa noo. Hay.

Sent the photos to a girl friend I was comfortable sharing them to and I find it funny how the first few photos had me trying pa to look decent (not photoshoot level ha, but decent pang-story, ganun) tapos sa dulo, I just gave up and did whatever.

The camera does not love me. Hahahahaha. Okay. I'll try to sleep now. Bumili na rin ako melatonin, sana um-okay na sleep sched ko.

I'll admit something din. The only thing keeping me together is keeping the important things off my mind. Oo, escapist talaga ako. Hahaha. Sinasabi ko lang na tanggap ko na ang mga bagay-bagay, pero hindi ko lang talaga sila pinagtutuunan ng pansin for now, pero medyo napapagod na ako. Also, January pa pala ako nag-uninstall ng dating app (although last labas ko was Feb)–yay!!!!!! It's already July!! 

May kwento pala ako. So meron yung time last week ata na ayokong mag-isa so I looked for someone on my friends list to go out with but there was no one else available but this guy I was in LFS with so we went out. It was honestly a waste of time and money, pero tapos na. Now I know better not to go out with him anymore. Tapos sabi niya split daw kami sa bill at babayaran niya na lang ako sa Gcash pero hindi naman siya nagbabayad. Ayoko na ring singilin kasi ako nga naman yung nagyaya. Pero okay lang, may positive eme naman. Una, napatunayan ko na sa sarili kong may restraint na ako kahit may alak kasi hindi ko talaga siya pinatos hindi ako nagpakita ng kahit anong motibo. And yucks the conversation really annoyed me. I enjoyed talking to his friend more than him. Lol. Ikalawa, I found someone to unfriend. The audacity of this guy to assume na I liked him daw. He thought I have crush on him... Like... We don't even talk much, I don't even give him my time. Okay lang ba siya? Nakakainis. Pero ayun nga, now I know better. And the whole time we were together, I was actually just thinking of my dear, dear crush. Sigh.

Also, speaking of LFS, nalaman ko habang nasa trabaho ako na pinatay ng pulis yung isa sa mga nag-recruit sa akin dun (hello redtagger I already quit btw) :( nanlambot ako sa balita. Ganun lang pala talaga kadali mawala ang mga tao sa buhay natin.

Iniisip ko paano kaya pag namatay magulang ko.

Alam mo, now that I have more time to think about it, I think I'm sad. I hope it's not the Big Sad™ kasi I'm not sure how to go about it anymore.

Siguro ito lang yung sinasabi nilang emotional constipation kaya parang okay pa ako.

Sabi ni Google, when dealing with emotional constipation, you have to acknowledge your feelings and feel them, but I can't because it's going to overflow and it will be too much and no one will be able to handle it, myself included... Especially.

Also, I've been eating rice a lot more lately. While I'm still overweight, I actually lost a bit of weight when I got sick. But I'm gaining them back now anyway. Hahaha.

Wow. There's an update. That's the update. Meron pa. Pero di pa ako ready.

Do you know how stupid I feel when my heart feels like crying but my brain wouldn't budge? Like, "wow, I'm actually dealing with crap right now" but my face is all V(^__^)V I don't like it. Hahaha. I don't even feel like turning to alcohol to help me release.

Sana may Dulcolax for feelings so that I can flush them away. Cheesy, pero pagbigyan mo na ako.

Gusto ko lang malaman mong the sweeter the song, the sadder it makes me feel kasi I'll never have that. All I'm saying is "All I Wanna Do" by The Beach Boys makes me feel so sad lalo na dun sa 1:17 mark??? :((( yieee iiyak na yan pati rin "All My Stars Aligned" :c Feeling ko sleep deprived ako today ulit. Ilang buwan nang apat na oras lang tulog ko. Pangit talaga tulog ko pag prime shift ako. :(

Alam mo, parang gusto kong magsulat. Pero takot na ako sobra. I think suko na talaga ako... I wish I had the time.

If you're wondering if I don't have friends I can reach out to, I do have friends, but everyone's busy living their own lives right now so I get it. Besides, if there's anyone I want to hang out with, it's just with a few specific people. Dalawa lang actually. Lol.

 

 I've been thinking about dying lately. I hope when it happens you cry for me oo kulang ako sa aruga

Joke. While the aruga bit is true, the first part is no longer true.i don't want u to cry for me anymore I don't care.

 Thank u sa'yo :))))))))

Nalulungkot ako ayokong mag-isa ngayon pero wala akong mapuntahan

 Nanaginip ako nagcuddle kami ni crush pero may white lady na ginigilitan ng leeg sa tabi namin and we're like "ano ba yan nood nga tayo ibang movie yung hindi horror" pero lahat daw ng available movies ay heavy drama o horror ano na din pakaweird

 About the previous post, no I have no lingering feelings I just hope they're ok and I'm also this vulnerable bc I'm tired and feeling like crap I dropped by Watsons and found a cologne I like hehehehe so excited to use it and I'll be trying miscellar water since I can't find my usual toner and I got me dog multivitamins hopefully it gets her drowsy haha I forgot to buy my own meds ahahah I'm too lazy to go out na pls huhu I'm tired I've been so tired I barely have the energy to binge watch 

Half a year has passed and idk what's up anymore. My other friends are demotivated as well and aren't sure abt graduating anymore. Me, maybe I'll do it next yr instead. I'm fucking tired. I want to feel drunk without getting drunk or not. Idk. Wow is this adulting—losing my love for getting drunk? Hahaha I just wanna feel okay and calm and motivated I weigh 13 kgs more than I should but I'm too lazy to exercise

I wanna go to the vet or walk my dog but I'm too lazy and this hyperacidity thing is uncomfortable

I also wanna buy nipple tape so that I don't need to wear a bra anymore bras are so uncomfortable

I hate feeling unwell bc I get so soft and sad and I feel like crying and I want a mom who'll make me soup or smth and I wanna cuddle what a fucking baby yucks anyway

I was going to use the pabili service on Grab but I realized gamot pala bibilhin ko lol

 I'm feeling so crappy bc of too much coffee that my ex came to mind for some goddamn reason anyway I was wondering am I still hung up, scared I won't ever be in a relationship again, or am I just traumtized idk 

Feel so sick I've been throwing up lots lately gnite I'm not preggo I just feel sick

 im so scared of the days that have gone by because i think just one small trigger and ill be back at it and im really really trying to stay okay and im thankful for my dog and i miss her and i just wanna be with her and i dont wanna work :( i think i need to file for a vacation leave but im not sure what to do and im broke my savings are almost all gone im so sad i wish i was in a better place funny how getting my phone stolen was all it took huhu maybe i shouldve waited till november to buy a new phone idk no this is worth it and even my frens say i dont need to pressure myself because i got me two new cabinets and theyre also investments and i got me a bed so like?? but idk idk idk :(( im so poor :(( 

how did i get to feeling this sad again :c

 "sometimes i think finding a decent person you can really love is just up to luck but lately ive been wondering if im that kind of person in the first place"

cant believe i picked this up from a manhwa

 Hi pls congratulate me I'm ok with this unrequited feelings thingy majiggy. I came across this post abt this girl who shared how she was in a situationship with someone who kept on pushing back kesyo he's not ready to have a gf but the girl eventually met someone else who was down for her . Like my situation is different pa rin naman kasi I put myself in this situation and there's no one else haha (I think?) pero totoo why settle for someone who doesn't like you the way you like them!! Tama!! If kaibigan ko tong ganito kakaltukan ko sarili ko kasi it's called self inflicted pain and we don't want that lol anyway I still stand by what I said abt not wanting to lose any people anymore tsaka bahala na hahaha anyway nung una torn ako sa true love waits pero ewan I think I'm old enough na for this. Haha. Also wala sakto lang. Takot pa rin akong baka nga hindi ako kamahal-mahal pero ayaw ko rin naman baguhin yung nakaka-turn off sa akin which means comfortable ako dun so magsettle na lang ako sa sarili ko since ako lang naman yung okay sa sarili ko haha sana naiintindihan mo pa ako also hindi mo na ako masugid na sinusubaybayan nagtatampo ako char hindi to required wala ako pasweldo sayo pero wait ko na lang bumalik ka. Akalain mo yung medyo nagwowork pala 'tong kausapin ko sarili ko lololol

I'm good I'm good work is shit work is still shit!! 

But life isn't so bad.

Also an ate girl stared at my boobs otw home like I know teh it's the bra dey be looking good

**

This episode of Hospital Playlist made me realize wala talagang mahirap na small things for the people you value in your life

 i hate my brain i think everyone hates me right now tbh and im annoyed at everyone and i think i just wanna go home and play with my dog. we played some sort of fetch earlier this morning and i was a little productive at home i did a bit of the laundry and also picked up my clothes from the laundryshop ahah i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad and dizzy and shitty 

on one hand i lich rally googled "why feel shitty after criticism" and i thought it's because im ultimately a self absorbed bitch (which i can be, admittedly) but not to self diagnose pero this kinda made me feel valid but hindi ako magmamarunong 

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/criticism-depression-and-anxiety

maybe i am depressed? who knows right god i hate seeing the people here i want them off my sight

anyway, this is not to say that i cannot take criticism. i can! and the people i trust are honest! just as i am honest with them! hays. i fucking hate work. i cannot function right now. i woke up at 7:07 PM it's a fucking miracle i am not late for work (thank u angkas) i hate my boss i hate work i fucking hate work i wanna cry i wanna cry i fucking hate how worthless it makes me feel i feel so fucking worthless i kinda wanna die 

wow damn everyone's in a bad mood :c this feels awful :c and heavy :c it's making my head hurt and i think i really wanna cry yeah im just holding back my tears cause im in the office god.

yeah i couldnt stop them from falling anyway i really hate myself right now 

wow feels like im dissociating again ahaha

 i am kalm. no more yearning. ok meron pa rin onti but not as bad as the last time. i am kalm and accepting!!!!!!!!!!! and kalm!

also my phone got stolen methinks ahha

 hi ang OA siguro nito pero ive been reading about fibromyalgia and allodynia and it does not apply to me but i wanna be sushi rolled right now it's my first time taking advil bc i really cannot bear the headache anymore my head was in pain the moment i woke up and it still hurts till now ugh i wanna go home and sleep my body feels so tender all over ackkk 

 do all men really cheat :c sabi dito sa binabasa ko, "Infidelity happens in bad marriages and in good marriages, so the idea that having a “perfect” marriage will prevent infidelity is a fallacy."

ano na rin i mean ako rin naman ive done it hayst 

hayst

hayst

ayoko na ang hopeless ata ng relationships

gusto ko nang magbirthday

 i feel like crap but i can still go to work and im sad bc of a super irrational thing but it's ok im a little wary of you kasi baka ikaw pala yon hahaha akala ko si Lucena ka ih pero i cut him off na yay felt nice tbh

Pero sige sabihin ko na haha also sino ka kaya salamat sa pagsubaybay hahaha joke don't tell me

Hays ayoko pa rin pala sabihin hahaha kaya ko namang magkimkim CHOUR that's on character development 

Hintayin ko na lang mawala we dont wanna fuck things up do we hays

I'm better than I was before but ofc i still wanna be loved hahaha except i want it from someone particular pero eniwayz hays im good im good who knows it might get the creative juicez flowing

O di ba wala rin sinabi ko na rin hahahha sorry i am just a hole sir hahaha

Pero alam mo. Idk. Iba yung nararamdaman ko. Like. I can't even think of indecent thoughts around this person. When I catch myself doing so or joking abt such, I shush myself kasi i think he doesn't deserve to be thought of as such? Like. I think he deserves the most tender of things. Basically, it's more than a sexual urge. I'm over that phase anyway. Oh, to be stupid. I just wanna sleep beside him. (literally) 

I'm taking a break from men and dating and hooking up hoping it counts for something. I know this is completely stupid, but who knows, right? It's not like isusumbat ko kung kanino (sa kanya o sa kung sinumang higher being) na, "I'm saving myself for you and working on becoming my best self so I can share that with you" r u really doing stuff to be your best self lol pero ayon nga malay natin may konting stash of luck pa pala akong nakatago sa cosmos. Idk if it makes sense haha it makes sense to me that's all that matters. If I told anyone else about this I'm quite sure they'll think I'm nuts BECAUSE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE LOL but it does to me ok?? It's like making a deal with the devil except it's a deal between me and an unknown entity slash higher being slash the universe. Seriously. Idk. The pull of gravity? Nature? Idk. Hahaha. 

 I know this is a thankless task, one that only I've agreed to. Wala namang nakakaalam bakit ko 'to ginagawa. Wala namang may nagsabing kailangan ko 'tong gawin para may patunayan ako. It's like one of those running jokes na "boyfriend ko siya pero ako lang may alam" but instead it goes like, "I'm on a sabbatical to prove something pointless" pero oks lang it's not entirely pointless and thankless i also need this for myself, it's been awfully nice to take a breather from dating. 

This is good for myself. And I'll be waiting for when these stupid thoughts are gone. It's ok. I'm not good enough for him anyway. It's ok. 

Sigh. Idk how to elaborate my thoughts but ang lawak pa ng mga parts sa mundong hindi namin nacocover bakit ko ipagdidildilan sarili ko tama tama tama I'm just 23 I'm still so young. I'll get over this fuck period my body's been fucking sore for weeks stoko magpamasahe

Someone from work told me na wala daw bearing 'tong feelings ko kasi wala naman daw sex pero ewan ko ako lang naman makakapagsabi alin ang mas matimbang eh kasi mas kilala ko sarili ko?? Hindi ko na rin pinaliwanag yung full context kasi bakit pa. Hahaha. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng advice eh. I know I'm being irrational and I know what I need to do. Granted, it's sad nga, but no means no.

Bakit ba kasi hindi na lang ako Koreanang may naka-in love-ang kapitbahay tapos 10 yrs kaming nagpipigil para slow burn hahahahahhahaha

I also had a weird dream haha I dreamt i was back in my old elementary school tapos may masarap na strawberry drink and nakapila ako along with other beauty queens kasi may napanalunan daw akong pageant (WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DI BA IF U KNOW ME PERSONALLY, YOU'D KNOW THIS IS DOWNRIGHT ODD) tas may tinatago palang feelings sa akin si Janine Tugonon tas we kissed in public like sa pila tas nag step down kami parehas and gave up our titles hahahaha fucking weird. don't judge me hahahaha i was even like, "no dont kiss me i havent brushed my teeth yet and i just ate something" and her lips tasted like one of those fruity lipsticks someone gave me in high school lmaoooooo if u think this is my awakening, not really. Idk. I mean i could not be straight but eh i haven't really liked a girl

i am malat and colds galore and i just wanna be loved and i hate this bloody period and i am a litol sad but it's manageable i dont want to have a body anymore gusto ko na lang maging floating entity na walang concrete form

 I'm surprisingly ok!!! 

 Ayoko nang grumaduate siguro hindi ko na masikmura nangyayari 

 ew ew ew ew ew i wish i could undo whatever happened last time ew ew ew ew ayoko ng corny stuff i dont even like him back can i ghost him char no we are supportive but are we even friends? i never thought this person and i were friends for starters ang weird i feel so uncomfortable and i dont like it. 

 What kind of a fighter are you?

Naisip ko lang that when I do fight, I'd like to think I fight with conviction. Nakakapagod din palang maging ako. 

 Ang pangit ng tulog ko lately madalas na rin akong nagigising na umiiyak hayst skl

 Uunahan ko na universe ha, ayoko na ng December 2020 part two, yung ang lala ng yearning ko ng October tapos biglang nagkanda-leche leche na yung sumunod na buwan. Pls lang. Nakakalungkot minsan pero nananahimik na pepe ko. 

 I gave my puppy a bath hehe she smells so good na hehe i just need to clean her ears and brush her teeth

 Hi. Share ko lang sa'yo ang aking random tot.

Sunod-sunod akong nakakita ng buntis ngayon habang naglalakad pauw tapos naisip ko sana buntis na lang ako kasi sometimes it's a badge na you're wanted and I'm not getting any thinner or prettier or younger tsaka siguro para may false sense of purpose in life na ako hahaha char tapos papalaglag para valid pa rin for maternity leave CHOUR ONLY ahaha Medyo gusto ko nang sukuan 'tong tuta ko. Hindi naman dahil nakakatamad maglinis, it's become part of routine na pero wala lang. Hays. Ang kulit. Gusto ko na ring sukuang ga-graduate ako this year.

Also realized I'm never gonna find love outside of dating apps. Sad. Tangina am i really just a hole to stick a piece of meat in

 I hope you're gay. Or maybe that I'm gay. God. Anyway. Ackkkk. Ang cute ng crush ko punyeta. Gets ko namang unrequited talaga. Okay lang talaga. Pero ackkkkk. Parang nahihiya akong mag-exist kasi he deserves so much? Parang hindi ko deserve na maging nasa mundo niya lolol does that make sense ang cute niya gagu nakakainis nakakainis nakakainis

Nakakahiya ngang malaman niya pang crush ko siya lol he deserves so much. Anyway, di na naman ako makakatulog kasi may nagpupukpok na naman.

Okay tatantanan ko na 'tong crush ko. Kakalma lang ako. It's not going to happen anyway. I'll just focus on myself. Bakit ang awkward pag sinabing mahal pero magaan lang pag yung word na love yung gamit?

I still hope it happens. But in case it really won't, okay lang din. 

 Hi.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't think I'm really okay, but I'm happy for my friends and I think I shouldn't burden them with this na. They've been there so much for me, I want to be there for naman. Pero kahit ikaw na lang. I don't feel happy. I don't want to function. I don't want to graduate anymore. I'm so tired.

I'm not going to tell any of my friends na lang. It's okay. 

Thanks for giving me the time of day. :)

***

People are going to see you. And I'm sorry that I can't keep my eyes off of you, but such is love. 

—that's a note from last month lmao

 Possible pala talagang magmahal ng tao tapos di mo na dama yung need na ipagpilitan yung sarili mo sa kanya tapos masaya ka na lang para sa kanya tapos gusto mo lang na andun siya kaya kung ibig sabihin nun, ganun na lang. Safe na rin naman 'to. Kung oo, e di oo. Kung hindi, e di hindi.

Syempre, ramdam ko namang di ko rin naman aayawan kung sakaling masuklian 'to—he's what comes to mind even on my darnedest, drunken nights, pero he doesn't have to know anymore. I'll just be around him, and he'll just be around me, and that's okay.

Or epekto lang ba 'to ng Boyhood ni Linklater? Lol. I didn't really think I'd take the time to listen to Beatles songs back to back, but now I appreciate the song.

Siguro ito yung kapalit nung pag-iyak ko sa highway last weekend habang nakikinig din sa mga kanta. Siguro kahit naman masakit nung time na yon, alam ko namang deep down na hindi talaga. Okay lang. Biruin mo, nalasing ako, pero never ko siya dinrunk chat. May restraint na yiee. Haha. Magsasabbatical na rin talaga ako sa mga lalaki. 

 I don't care if the glass is half empty or half full, but there's water at least and I can take sips of it till I find more (water)

HAYS HAYS HAYS

 ayoko na magwork gusto ko nang umalis dito ayoko na magtrabaho gusto ko na lang maging palamon at matulog forever.. i dont want to stay here pero tinatamad akong kumilos para makaalis dito. i'm so tired.

 Ang pangit, kanina pa pala ako umiiyak sa tulog ko. I'm trying to calm myself down now and stop crying. Ang daming mga bagay na, ngayon ko narealize, isinantabi ko lang pala. But that's how it gets easier to take on each day. It hurts to remember how unwanted I've been. Sana nga di na lang ako pinanganak. Wala namang mawawala.

Ang pangit ng panaginip ko. Ayoko nang ishare sa'yo pero ayaw ko ring makalimutan. Ayoko nang magshare sa'yo. Hindi naman kita kilala. At di ko rin gustong malaman kung sino ka. Mas nararamadaman ko lang na ang pabigat ko.

In my dream, my uncle asked bakit di raw ako umalis. Apparently, dun ako nakatira sa kanila (na naman lol) and I asked him kung seryoso ba siyang kinukumpara niya ako sa iba. Eh wala naman akong mauuwian, sabi ko. Sabi ko pa, "Gets ko na pag the more intimate relationships are, the messier they get." But do they really have to be messy? Are relationships really messy or am I just saying that because it's all I've known?

Magmo-mothers day pala ano? Lala ng mommy issues ko wtf. Mas mabigat pa sa daddy issues ko. Hahahahahahahaha burat. 

 Maybe this is it. 

 I think it's better to look into burial stuff for when I die instead of housing. I'm so fucking tired.

Time check 3:03 i should be asleep instead im fucking high 

 Amazed ako kasi 4 days pala akong hindi sumisilip sa main messenger ko (sumisilip ako in case may hanash re: scule & werq)

I don't know if this is a motherforking reach, but if it weren't for this incompetent gov't, maybe my mental health would be in a better state because clinics wouldn't be forced to close for business.

May mga tao talagang mukhang pang-Wong Kar Wai film, ano? Ako mukha akong pang-Philippine comedy, e. Tapos yung tacky kind. Not even Eugene Domingo levels. Or Pokwang. Siguro Vice Ganda quality minus the glitz. Wong Kar Wai film people are beautiful people, I tell you. Ang sarap nilang titigan the whole day. 

Burat.

Life is so shitty. I hate being told na may choice, kasi kung nadadala sa choice lahat, my life won't be as shit. People try, but they can only do so to a certain extent. When the cards you're given are always against you, nakakapagod ding labanan ya know?

I'm so sad. I really don't mind dying.

Nararamdaman kong if mag-work from home setup ako, baka back to where I was na naman ako na super unmotivated. Right now, kumakapit lang ako ma-hit yung daily target at work, hindi ko na kaya magpabibo.

I feel like crap. 

Hope the past few days were better for you.

Thanks for still being around, you. I know this is so self-centered of me to say, but I appreciate you reading my nonsense and repetitive rants.

It doesn't feel like I'm talking to a wall. 

I hope I'm not draining for you. I understand I can be like that.

I feel bad kasi may trainee na nagtry dagdagan productivity niya, kaso mali yung ginawa niya tapos sinabihan ko. Tapos di niya napakinabangan. Tapos ako yung nakinabang, pero pulido naman yung ginawa ko. Pero I still feel bad.

Sana mamatay na lang ako. 

 Hi i ate two of my ✨magic brownies✨ and im fucking pissed kasi pota hindi naman eto sativa (?) POTA inaantok ako pero nilalabanan ko kasi gusto kong manood ng mobie pero pota tulog lang ako ng tulog antukin na nga ako without it susko balak ko pa namang kainin to sa work buti na lang hindi ko ginawa also kakaburat kakaubos ko lang apat na lata ng reno tapos hinaluan ko konting mayonnaise ang baboy pero ang sarap

Ok sana makapanood na ako mobie

Still feelimg like shit,, i domt feel like meeting up with friends,, my head also fuck ng hurts i domt wanma be human

 I feel like shit I can't sleep this shitty feeling is so heavy kinda wanna self harm kinda scared to do it too kinda wanna die kinda holding back

:)) happy payday

Deactivating my facebook is how i pretend ive deleted myself from the world 

Super wanna die pala not kinda haha can't sleep

 I dont wanna wake up from my sleep i feel like i should be hurt parang deserve ko masaktan parang pag sasaktan ako physically, things will be better, clean slate ulit

Feeling ko deserve ko masaktan gusto ko saktan ako ewan ko i feel like shit

I want to delete myself i want to push everyone away i feel like im so bad and im super useless and no good for anyone i wanna die

I have no future i have nothing going for me

I want to die

Im useless im a waste of space i want to die

I wish i could slit my wrists or something but im too scared to do that the only way i know is to overdose but it's never worked and im scared of thr hospital expsnse if it fails again

I know i can just ingest muriatic acid to get it done and over with but im scared too? 

 Sana si Ryan na lang etong consistent kong reader dito. O kaya si Airene o si Joe. Kahit si Lucas pa. Pero wag lang si Romeo. Hahaha. Kahit ex ko pa. O si Samantha. Hayst.

Pagod na pagod ako. Gahhhhhh

How am I this cute and with no one to date, huh???? I wanna get drunk and lie down on the grass or something. I hope the brownies I got make me feel better, even just a little bit. :c 

On a lighter note, I guess there's been progress with how I've been managing myself and my emotions. 

My manager also said this:

Thank god when we talked I was the only one left in the office. Otherwise, it would've been embarrassing because I couldn't hold back my tears then, yucks. Lol. 

I want to be okay. I also have not had a wink of sleep today. I hope I get through the day okay. 

I also realized that the reason why it hasn't stung when this particular someone rejected me is because he doesn't have anyone atm afaik but the thought that it won't and can't be me kind of hurt. Parang kinurot dibdib ko kanina nung na-realize ko 'to. Maybe I can use that and channel it into something productive. Sigh. 

I just want to be good. 

Hi anonymous reader, ikaw na lang date ko? I was talking earlier to someone I knew from ask/fm and I told them I'm content with the intimacy I share with my friends and that there's a quick fix if it's anything sex-related. While the latter part is true—yes, surprise, surprise—it still gets lonely. Like right now. But what can I do, right? I want to stop fucking things up. I want things to please, please, please work out. I know I'm too lazy to work out, but can I have this work out for me? I know I don't need to be with anyone to say I've won in life, but I do not want to be alone, please lang. No. 

Kaya ko naman. Pero it would be really fucking nice to have someone I can run to and just lie down with. 

Yucks talaga, these thoughts, I know. 

Maybe it's the hormones talking. Maybe not. 

Imagine, my standards were never unattainable ever since but shit still doesn't go my way. Sure, I have my share of the blame, but like????????? Please lang. 

I want to be okay. I want to be good. 

Sure na ba akong mag-aaral ako ulit kung matapos ko man 'to? Talaga na ba? Pakshet talaga. 

Hindi na ba ako kamahal-mahal kasi tuwang-tuwa akong sabihin yung word na 'burat'? 

Alam kong di ako lingunin level na type ng babae pero ganun ba talaga sila kadehado? 

Oh my god the fucking yearning. I'll get over this another day and then realize I'm not okay pa for anyone, can't be with anyone yet. Even if the cosmos gives me the best man there is for me, chances are, I'll still fuck it up kasi that's how ill-prepared I am for it. I tend to sabotage them. 

Why can't I just fall in love with a childhood friend or something—that's because I have none? Lol. I moved back and forth often that I couldn't have lasting friendships. Hahahha. Shunga.

Gusto kong ugatin naman sa isang lugar, please lang. 

I also have two more plants now hehe 

Life is shit, I just get quick breaks every now and then to forget that, even for just a little while. 

I feel so fucking sad. Not even Monster drink can make me feel better. 

 Would my younger self like me right now? I don't feel okay. 

My period is delayed, my breasts are sore but they do be looking good doe lol and i feel like crap someone i hooked up w last yr wants to hang out and i dont want to. can we just stay twitter mutuals pls

My breasts do be feeling so sensitive (as in tender not sensitive as in sex thing) huhuhuhu 😢 why why why my period so delayed huhu 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

I want to eat kimchi with everything 

I woke up crying today. Too bad I can't remember my dream. I'm sure the setting was a little influenced by The Shimmer from Annihilation, and about my grandma? And someone might have died.

I remember I was in this hotel room and I couldn't find my room. Tapos may Kpop din sa panaginip ko. Pero ayon nagising akong umiiyak. Hahaha. 

Bahala na. 

 Hello,

I want to be the type of person who would just lay everything bare. I was a firm believer of accepting and letting my emotions flow. I'm still like that on most of days, but today I realized that I've changed. Now if this is good or bad, I don't know yet. Is this maturity—putting your emotions on hold because of, say, work? I still can't really say I'm doing well with managing myself because I'm currently ignoring my thesis groupmates. I don't want to do this anymore. I realized I've wasted 4 years of my life. I think the program is fun, but for someone who genuinely wants to learn, this is not the correct avenue to do so. There are limited opportunities to learn here. I want to study again.

This Big Sad™ session also made me realize I'm okay with living alone, but I'm also scared because what if moving in with someone is something I need and I'm just pushing the idea aside because it's something I haven't tried yet?

I honestly don't know. 

I've been talking to ng to a friend and I also realized (sidenote: hehe, I'm learning about myself ano?) Anyway, I realized that I've always been committed in my past relationships. They just never worked out because that's just life. All the times I was in a relationship–after high school, that is—I was serious with all of them enough to envision a future with them. I also realized that although it may be too young for me to assume this, maybe romantic love isn't for me, which is a little sad because I know want to love and be loved despite everything.

But I wonder if I'm not worthy of love. I know I am, but why does no one like me. Lol. 

People used to say I'd probably be a singer when I was younger. People say I could be a writer and that I'd do well. People say I could be in broadcasting, that it suits me well. What the fuck happened? What the fuck have I become? Why am I this talentless person now? I feel like a waste of space. 

I'm drinking right now. I have no qualms with doing overtime work, to be honest. It's just that I feel like shit. Ang ambag ni Jules sa buhay ko ay ang stock ko ng alak. Salamat. 

My work is asking for a medical certificate and a diagnosis for this mental health thing. I know I've always wanted to inquire about being diagnosed so that I could give this shitshow I constantly deal with a name, because I feel like there really is something wrong. But I don't know how to ask for it. It feels too early, too. I don't want to look like I'm asking to be diagnosed, that I'm begging for something to be wrong with me. Although I feel like there is. But I'm not the expert. Lol.

My clothes are a mess again, and I don't feel like existing. My weekends are always like this. I feel like shit. 

Why do I still beg for love and affection like a stray puppy? It's grossing me out, but it is what it is.

I don't care if I end up bartending or living in a rundown apartment of some sort, I never aimed to be rich. I just want to be at peace with myself and find my place in this world.

Maybe what makes me unworthy of love is that alagain ako. Like right now. I don't want to hookup anymore, but it's the closest to love I'll ever get (aside from platonic love, which I have an abundance of). So why is that not enough? Why nga ba. Lol.

Even P**** is having a baby. Sigh. 

I don't know where I'm headed in therapy. Maybe I'm really okay. Idk. Am I already okay or still fucked up and just used to the fuckery? 

 Hello, magaling na ako from my sipon. Rhinitis nga lang siguro 'yon. Naisip ko madalas, gusto kong magpa-diagnose kasi I guess it would be nice to have something concrete to hold on to, to have a name for when I feel like shit, pero nahihiya pa akong magtanong sa therapist ko paano magpa-diagnose.

He told me to keep journalling and that I should practice organizing my rants in such a way na I'd be able to identify the trigger, immediate reaction, etc. Tinatamad pa akong simulan. Lol.

Siguro, counted itong today. I saw this tweet about Eurydice and Orpheus, and it started this nice conversation between me and a very good friend.

Link to tweet here

I want to ask you din, reader, how would you have dealt with the situation had you been in Orpheus' shoes? But of course, you're not going to answer. I hope you will though, I'm genuinely curious. 

So, I guess lumalabas din character ko. I'm not sure if maganda ba yung decision ko. If we know each other irl, sana friends pa rin tayo kahit na medyo bobo ako. Hahaha. I don't know if anything I said on the screencaps made sense. 

It's nice to talk about things like this. When I talk with friends it's always about how work has been, how we're feeling, etc. 

Friends are nice.

While I'm not giddy about life, it's not so bad right now. I haven't cleaned up my room yet, and I also haven't settled on a decision yet if I should move in with a friend or not. I hope I make up my mind soon. 

Nawalan ako panlasa kanina, pero may nalasahan din ako after a little while. I know I should already report this to my supervisor pero parang nakakatakot maging unpaid for 14 days :)) Ang sama rin ng pakiramdam ko. Feeling ko naman hindi ito COVID, parang gawa 'to ng sipon ko kasi na-expose ako sa init nung sinamahan ko yung ka-work ko na maghanap ng malilipatan, tapos nag-aircon kami sa kanila afterwards.

Ang lala ng sipon ko, nakakainis. Hindi pa ako nilalagnat, masama lang pakiramdam ko gawa nga nung sipon. 

 Iyak ako sa All My Stars Aligned ni St. Vincent ih.

Hirap namang magfunction. I also can't decide if I want to move in with a workmate. 

Help? Hahaha. Di pa rin ako nagliligpit ng damit ko. Tsaka pinoproblema ko loft bed ko. Paano ko yun papabaklas. Nakaka-stress yung process ng paglipat, pero mas malapit yung tinignan naming places kasi malapit sa office tsaka mas maganda color ng walls. And it's more spacious!

Pero may kasama ako omg haha :))) tapos dun din yung jowa niya for a month habang nag-o-ojt. Okay lang naman siguro yun. Idk.

I'm looking forward to my appointment sa Monday. Idk what I want to do with my life. 

 Eto talaga yung pag masama pakiramdam ko, i want to be taken care of. Pakiramdam ko tatrangkasuhin ako. What if ito na yung COVID? Sana malakas resistensya ko. Feeling ko malakas naman. 

Natatakot ako kasi eto na naman yung feeling ko na magiging okay ako for a bit then I'd feel like shit. Like right now, I'm at work and I feel like crying. Or this could be the almost-trangkaso talking. Idk. I just feel like shit. Mentally and physically. 

I keep remembering it was my dad's birthday last Friday. Haha. Ewan. 

 Kaya ako single. Kasi ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko.

Naisip ko, "weh, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better" pero na-realize kong hindi ganyan at totoo talaga yung una kong sinabi. Pag marami kasing tao sa buhay ko, nare-redirect yung energy ko na para sa sarili ko sana.

Gusto ko lang naman ng constant karat and cuddle shuta. Kaya pala uso ang fuck buddy. Hahahaha. 

Pero sige. I'm out of the rut I was in the past few days. I'll just play it by ear.

I have a plan. Should I set a timetable for my daily routine?

I'm just 23.

I'm just 23.

Gusto ko nang grumaduate para matapos na 'tong hassle na ito sa buhay ko. 

 I realize that the reason why I can't write is because I'm so insecure kasi yung mga kasabayan ko ang successful. Ang failure ko.

God i feel like shit

I wish I could be good. And that I could write. But I'm so scared of trying again. I haven't written in years. This blog shit is the most I've done. I wish I were naturally thin like these people in this movie I'm watching. 

 I'm never chasing a guy again. If they liked me, I would've known and I shouldn't have to feel confused. And they'd make sure I know they do. Yes.

And meatloaf is gross. 

 Why can't I have a love like in Us and Them huh???? Goddammit.

I'm scared that the big sad is starting to rear its ugly head.

They say I just have to be content with moments, because they're the most I'll ever get in life, because that's what life is made up of anyway, but I don't want moments. I want to die with someone. Man ang lala ng yearning ko right now. God i hate being alone. But I sort of regret asking my friend out if I could come over again. Might come off as clingy.

Sigh. 

I've beem watching stupid movies since 3AM. Gusto kong magkaraoke. I need a life.

Maybe it's time for me to alone. Lol. I just dont have another choice. Like, sure, babe. If that's what makes you sleep at night. God.

I feel so fucking sad. And ugly. I just want to be tucked in bed. And cuddle. Cuddle.

I reinstalled Tinder and uninstalled it again in less than an hour. It doesn't do me good anyway. I just want company. Hirap naman nitong quality time ang primary love language. Hays.

I want to literally just sleep with someone. Have a drink, maybe. Idk. I really haven't been in thr mood to drink tbh. I just want the company.

So I read something about transference a while back and it got me thinking about my feelings for people before. Anyway.

I'm not in love with my therapist tho ok? Hahaha. I'm not in love with anybody. And that's okay but I'm fucking bored.

I hope this therapy thing works out.

Man it would be nice if I could be loved and desired despite myself. 

 So hi, and TMI: I did a very human thing to do—I watched porn and did all that shit. Anyway, I'm a little envious of those women because they can just let loose and orgasm like that. I find it very difficult to let go. It's hard to have someone see me like that, seems like I'd be very exposed. Eh. I wish I were a guy. It's so easy for guys to orgasm. Also, I think I'll stop hooking up with guys now. 

I also need to lose weight. 

Anyway, idk what movie to watch. 

 Gusto kong maging anak si Alan Kim hello

 I know I want to cry, but I can't bring myself to do so. Is this emotional constipation.

It's so weird, reading this message, because I don't feel like I care for people enough. I don't think I know how to take care of people. I think I'm a selfish person. They've known me for a long time, but this person they speak of doesn't sound like me anymore.

My therapist yesterday said I should stop blaming myself for everything that's happened, that it isn't all on me. And I think that's when I started feeling off. It's difficult to unlearn and just shake off something that I thought was the truth my entire life.

It feels weird that he seems to be rooting for me, kasi parang nasanay akong ako lagi yung mali. That I always make the wrong choices. Na patapon ako kasi naglayas ako and shit, but did I really do the right thing for myself? It's so weird to have him rooting for me kasi, parang ano ibig sabihin nun, shitty talaga family ko? Man, at thr end of it all, no matter how it's obvious life was fucked up, I still defend my family in my head. Idk why. My worst enemy truly is myself. 

He also talked about neuroplasticity. 

I want to be good. I want to be good enough and to amount to something. I can't release this sadness I'm feeling, but I know it's there.

I have a friend who's getting married. I'm happy for her. Sana ako rin. Man, I just want to be loved.

Someone from work said indirectly said mukhang pambahay suot ko. I personally like my long and flowy skirt. I kind of want to put a bit of effort in my attire later, but I'm also too lazy. Why do I have to prove myself. I also don't think I can still look good. Sigh. 

I'm tired. And sad. 

PS. I look fucking hot here. Happy International Women's Day or belated? Whatever. 

hello dear audience,,

so after some yrs of friendship, naipakilala na ako ng isang private friend sa kanyang familé!!! buti ang chill nila and ang cute ng mga bata ahaha di ako naiirita sa bata (surprise, surprise) natuwa lang ako kasi ang hilig palang magmura ng ating kaibigan. it's nice seeing them look more human kasi alam ko namang ang private niya talaga as a person pero ayon i guess he trusts me more (plus makulit ako) to let me see that side of him. also, sinabihan niya ako na kung naging kami daw, nakikita niyang hindi magwowork. siguro nga ok na rin yun. sayang friendship eh in case hindi magwork. di ko naman sinasabing hindi siya magwowork kasi u know me (charot, u dont. sino ka ba? also dont answer), risk-taker-ish naman ako dun, pero i dont want to cross that bridge anymore if it means losing a very, very good friend. or siguro im not dat confident pa about myself din, bakit ko io-offer yung sarili ko nang ganito. i think said friend deserves better. malaki yung mundo, we're just starting to branch out. it is nice to have a friend. man i love my friends. also naging cheese siya nung nakaraan pero di ko na share screencap ng sinabi niya ahaha awit kilig naman aq platonically ahaha 

anyway,, i heard na yung isang naka-hookup ko last yr ay may possibility na naka-contract ng COVID yikes,, hope he's ok,, i heard pa namang he lost a relative who was a frontliner to covid din last year

in other news, ang saya kasi nag-tasting kami ng kape ng ate ni aforementioned private friend pero bilib din ako sa tolerance ko sa kape kasi inantok pa rin ako after nun at ngayon inaantok na rin ako kahit na nagkape na ako hindi kaya wala na epekto kape sa akin?? good lord,,, 

first time ata na natulog ako sa bahay ng lalaki na wala nangyari AHAHAHAHAHA narealize ko lang. the power of friendship (sparkles emoji)

time check 11:44 PM na po ng linggo today at nag uululan na naman kami dito sa office ng boss ko also late ako 6 minutes ahaha ayoko na layo ko pa sa goal

feel ko wala nang epekto sa akin ang kape,,, huhu partida kapeng barako na yon bakit ganooooooooooooooooooooon huhu ayoko na mag red bull stoko pa mabuhay charot

may apponitment ako with therapist later babay one kya <3 ok back to work folks! stoko malasing i think idk im ok, and im surprised that i am. 

bili na ba ako bahay ahaha

hi time check 2:03 AM may victim mentality ako yucks

 I'm feeling a little sad but I'll forget about it. I took what bike guy said as rejection and it stung a lot. Felt like I wasn't womanly enough. What will happen to me. I just want to be loved. Why can't I have that cute story where I grow up with a guy and we just fall in love but we keep it from each other until we're like 25 or something hayst

I love walking at nights like this, where I could stare at the moon and not be deemed as weird, where I could sing in the middle of the street right by my workplace and then the wind blows with just the right force, a little bit strongly but just as if greeting a friend and hugging them fiercely. The moon looks on, and I'm privileged to have her share this secret with me. 

 

If i didnt know my ex, I'd think this was from him. I might send an update about how my session with the therapist goes. Hope it turns out okay.

I'm honestly a little nervous and I wish I requested for someone female. 

 Y'all relentlessly teased me about my middle name way back ang galing naman how u just casually drop it on a Facebook post as if it was just nothing and now u cant take a hint.

I'm going even more broke this month ugh

Since I can't live for myself, maybe I can try being better for the people and friends who still believe in me despite everything. 

Pero stoko lang naman talaga ng kakantutan tapos tatanungin ko kung Rebisco ba siya kasi ang sarap ng filling niya 😩😩

 I could use a friend right now, but I'm trying to keep this shit to myself. Friends aren't therapists. Of course, they'll say they'll always be there and of course, they'll try, but they have their own lives. I have to learn to stop sharing things. I need to learn to be private. Stop oversharing. No one gives a fuck. Besides, this is just very petty, just a blow to my ego. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone and that it's so hard for people to love me, or even like me, because I'm a fucking shitty person. I don't have anything going for me, I'm bland. I'm shallow. I want to die, honestly. I really don't see any point in still existing.

I was doing better, but god.

Why am I not pretty, for fuck's sake. Or just something about me that's likeable and not annoying. I feel like shit and I'm not even drunk. I'm not even the mood to drink. The internet connection is shitty, too.

I don't feel like crying, and even if I do, I'll try my best not to.

I feel like deleting myself from the world right now even kahit digital lang. Twitter doesn't feel like a safe space anymore. Parang itong blog eme na lang.

I mean sure, do I actually have the energy for a romantic entanglement right now? Not really, but I'm willing if I like the person enough, but that's not guaranteed. Pero ang sakit ma-reject ha. Grabe. I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW I'M N PRETTY BUT AM I THAT Appalling? Repulsive???? I USE LOTION AND BATH SALT NAMAN, NAGSISIPILYO AKO, GRABE NAMAN??

Bakit ba laging resort ang dying when shit doesn't work out. Where do I go. How do I come a better person.

Am I not womanly enough? I really just want to be good enough. I'm trying. 

 man i feel like shit i wanna close myself off from the world

 hi

so for the nth time, ive been friendzoned which wouldve been fine by me if only it wasnt for more than the 5th time and i know the friendzone is something that is 80% non-existent pero good lord, bakit ako bestfriend ng bayan? lmao eto na nga yung sinasabi kong hindi talaga ako tao eh pero god i just hate that it appeared i was starting to open up only to be crushed like that, natapakan lang pride ko ng very light nakakainis. okay fine. i did think there was a bit of potential in this one, all it needed was patience. 

anyway im at work right now (obvi) and i can't breathe well i dont think my dress or bra is too tight. it could be caffeine kasi i had coffee before leaving the house for work and i also downed another mug when i arrived at work but idk this isnt how it usually goes and hays

u lose some people talaga eh ano hays

more time for myself i guess and besides i have my good friends i know i do

wala lang

idk i just wanna be good

also i have a plant na (yay) mukha silang matamlay ahahaha pero i hope mabuhay sila and magmukhang malusog in a few days

 Hi pls make shit work 

 Ok I'm really sad

While I'm perfectly aware that my self worth is based on me, times like these make me feel like I'm worth nothing but a hookup. I just wanna be loved haha fuck Ill be better I'm tired. I still wouldn't mind getting run over by a ten wheeler I'm too lazy to cook I feel like shit. Is it the alcohol? Probably

I have my friends my friends are awesome but I'm still so sad I wanna be gone I can't do anything. I'm dumb and stupid and not good enough for anything so fucking sad and while I'm aware whatever mistakes I've made are in the past and that I should forgive myself it's so hard I hate hate hate hate

It's so weird why I feel like this. I called out my ex bc he can't be alone, and now I'm feeling like this I hate it,, come be with me,,

I wish I could hurt or kill myself 

:))) hehe hays I wanna be good :)) 

 

Naninibago ako kasi I'm trying to talk to bike guy daily kaso wala naman akong masabi kundi the most mundane things like how my day is. I don't know how to flirt for shit. I don't know if I'm doing things right. 

Naalala ko lang din yung ginawa ko last December and I know I'm the one in the wrong so I shouldn't be feeling like I'm the one victimized because I clearly wasn't. I feel like I was such a slut. They've both blocked me, and that's sad, because we're supposed to be good friends. I had the choice to avoid it from happening, but I willingly put myself in that situation. 

I think if in case this shit with bike guy progresses into something good, I might fuck it up lang. I'm scared din na he'll look down on me when he finds out about the shitty things I've done. Sabi ng iba kong friends, yung mej ka close ko sa work, I don't need to tell guys everything. I don't want to open up sa kanya about the shit I've done before kasi we're taking it slow, and sure, I'd like to give that a try since showing everything abt me has never worked, based on my dating history.

Man I'm scared. While I hope this shit works out, I'm scared of it at the same time.

And I'm aware ang advance kong mag-isip, but idk. It's so scary. I keep wondering why the guy is still around. Yeah.

I want shit to work. I should stop the self-sabotage, ano?

I want to be good, too, you know? I want to stop thinking I'm a shitty person and start accepting instead that shitty things happen. And that when I do shitty stuff, I have the choice to let go of what's happened and just learn from it.

I want that. 

I want to know what I want to do and what career I want to have, and where I want to retire, and what my dream house would look like, and be good and stable enough to have kids, and give enough love.

I just want to amount to something and be good enough for something, be good. Find my place in this world. YUCKS.

Hi

Lord tabang I'm scared I'm scared I hope shit works for me

 Do we really just decide to be okay? How many more times am I supposed to feel shitty? Wala akong patutunguhan after I graduate. I hate myself so much. I hate my face, and that I'm not conventionally pretty. Scratch that, I'm fucking ugly. I hate my voice, and how much I've deluded myself that I could sing. I hate my body, I'm not small or fat enough. I hate that I'm dumb.

Am I really okay the way I am? Like, I know there's always room for improvement, but am I really insecure about nothing? I feel like utter shit, and I have friends, but I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling because I don't think they really like my person. So I'm telling you.

Sabi ni Marj sa akin, I shouldn't let this shitty feeling win over me, pero why can't stories just end at happily ever after? I don't want anything to come after that. I'm fucking tired of fighting and trying to exist and reminding myself that I shouldn't kill myself over and over. 

There's something I want to say, but I don't want to burden you with it.

I'm not good for anything or anyone. I don't deserve anything. I sound like a broken record, but it really do be like that. 

Bakit nga ba ako umiiyak pag dinuduro-duro ako at tinatawag na demonyo ng magulang ko kung totoo naman yun?

(Here's me crying in our office restroom. Yipee!)

I'm waiting for the jeepney to arrive on my stop, and you know what, thoughts have been thunk—I do want to take care of my father. I worry about how he's doing. I worry because he's alone, and his life choices are all questionable (oo, kasali dito yung hindi nila pagputok sa akin sa kama). I worry about what he eats. A co-worker told me that I spend enough for a family when I go grocery shopping, and he could've been that family I buy things for.

Shet, pamilya lang pala talaga gusto ko, I realize. Why did it take me so long to say this straight to the point, god.

But I also worry for myself because life has been shitty with him. He hurts me, we have shouting matches, he is unreasonable most of the time if not all the time, he doesn't want to try being better. He uses sympathy like a crutch. I am basically his younger version. Hahaha

I realized that my mom and dad are polar opposites. And I am the result of that union. Lol. Ah. I'll just cram my assignments. 

 

I had such a restful sleep today! I love sleeping at night! Time to go do my thesis but idk where to start. Hahaha

I'll try to be okay. 

I just want to be in the creative industry. That's for sure. But I don't know what I want to do exactly or aim for. 
 

 so a friend sent me this:

wow what a tedious process...

naisip ko na naman yung ngisi nung kahero sa 7-eleven nung bumili ako ng condom tsaka robust like ser,,,, (nagpabili kawork ko)

para akong tatrangkasuhin am i gonna die :c gusto ko nang umuwi so i can have a crying sesh feelimg sick makes me feel so weird and vulnerable i hate it. una ko naisip nung naisip kong pwedeng covid to was oh ok lang naman if madeadz na me. tapos nag e-echo lang sa ulo ko na lost cause ako kaninang break ko. meant to be??? char ahaha stoko na umuwi talaga. 

im deleting my dating app profiles na. suko na ako. 

sabi ng direct supervisor ko, mag-ingat daw ako if magpa-participate daw ako sa mga rally. maybe the world isnt as hopeless after all charot

 am sad. di na ulit gumagana red bull as pampagising/pampagana sa akin. naka-2 bote ako kahapon. nag-grocery ako kahapon. hirap ng walang jowa, walang magbubuhat ng pinamili ko. sabi ni jea, pang-isang pamilya raw ako mag-grocery, pamilya na lang kulang. (sinamahan ako ng kawork ko mag-grocery kanina ehehe yay company!) gusto ko lang ng pagmamahal. us2 q lang ng kaunting aruga. gusto ko lang na may mauuwian. ahaha. sad girl hours na ito yes. sorry sa nag-iisa kong reader. super sad ako ngayon. wala akong ganang magtrabaho eheh

gusto ko lang na may kayakap matulog ahaha gusto kong matuloggg na may katabing tao na buhay. gusto kong mahalin ako ni freddie highmore. gusto ko ng jowaaaaaaaaaaaaa. yoko na ng karat karat lang </3 us2 q ng pagmamahal at arugaaa. ugh the yearning is so strong. us2 qng matulog fuckitty fuck. lamig lamig sa opis eh sarap tuloy matulog lang gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

pag ibig aruga pagmamahal yakapppppppppppppppppppp tulogggggggggggggg peraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

gusto ko lang na may inaamoy-amoy akong leeg :c yieee gusto mo rin ba yon? gusto mo rin yon di ba? :c joke hays di ko nga alam kung naiintindihan mo to eh bahala ka diyan hays. actually i have someone in mind pero secret na lang kung sino baka ikaw pala yang nagbabasa eh malay ko ba. hays ako ayyyyyy ughhhhhhhh. gusto ko mang-amoy ng leeg ayon lang . feel ko naman mabango siya ahahah. 

gusto kong amuyin leeg moooooooo tapos matulog lang. tulog together greater than symbol sex alammobayon ha

pero di na ako sobrang averse sa sex i actually want sex like any other person pero di ganong intimacy mas prefer ko god i just want jowa god god god god god god

gusto ko yung tuturuan akong magbike tapos mag-go-grocery kami together maglilinis ng bahay together maglalaba together mag exercise together pero separate ligo. bathtime is sacred. pero gusto ko magpakuskos ng likod ko nung bath salt na binili ko kasi di ko abot HAHAHA :c 

HOY READER, tell me you love me ~cue James Ingram's "I Don't Have the Heart to Love You"

NOT THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO ang sad ang sad bakit hindi ako crush ng mga crush/naging crush ko bakit ba ako pangit ahahah :c char ang self pity naman niyan. sad lang. sinabihan ako ng isa kong friend na papangit ng mga ex ko ahaha grabe. wala eh. minahal ko naman yung mga yon. sana magka jowa na ako ng crush ko. pogi mga crush ko eh ahaha

may crush ako na perfect na sana ahaha kaso di niya nga ako crush sad lang gusto ko amuyin leeg niya tas matulog lang kasama siya. AS IN. TULOG LANG. pero if gusto niya something else pwede naman hehehehhheehehehheheehehhe. pero parang mas soft at intimate matulog lang. 

di ko na alam bakit ito nasa isip ko god athena ayusin mo buhay mo

im exhausted CRUSH KO MAHALIN MO NA AKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ganda ni lady gaga

yung isa ko namang smol crush hindi pa binabayaran utang niya hmp

ang dami kong crush pero maganda na yun para di ako masyadong masaktan ahaha pero may legit at real crush talaga ako tas god hahaha alam mo yung parang may nag-tug sa heartstrings ko nung may ginawa siyang small thing last time we interacted :c like. ang warm lang sa heart. tapos masaya na ako pag nagpaparamdam siya :c :c ang babaw ko ang high school ko huhuhu

sana ako na lang siya para di ko na lang din siya ma-crush man ill get over this why is the yearning so strong right now. may date dapat ako after shift and the guy is cute pero meh. ultimate crush pa rin

ganda ng boobs ko ngayon... maaaring senyales to na malapit na ang buwanang dalaw ko haha huhu

GUSTO KONG MATULOG KASAMA CRUSH KO FUCK INAANTOK AKO BAKIT LALO AKONG INANTOK PAGKAINOM KO NG RED BULL

so it's around 8AM now and im re-reading this and yucks kadiri ko, like hey ofc i still want to be with someone pero yucks kadiri naman nitong pinagsasabi ko 

 I keep thinking kung ito na ba talaga ang kinahinatnan ng buhay ko, na am I supposed to surrender to the monotony of life? And maybe me drinking to feel is my way of breaking out of it. It's easier to be sad because it is what I've known for most of my life.

Ang hirap maging masaya.

Do I just give in na lang at maging robot?

Maybe it is true what they say, that it is cowardice to revel in the sadness and pain, and that it is much braver to choose to be happy.

Anyway there's this person who's always going to be special to me, and I wish for you the best things in life. :) you may not love me as much as I love you, but that's ok. 

 

hehe kung may dahilan para magresign ako sa trabaho, ikaw talaga yun :)))))))))))))))))))))) nahehelo na naman ako kasi nababadtrip ako :))))))))))))) pero hapitots hapitots

tbh ikaw naman talaga dahilan kaya ako nawalan ng gana sa trabaho eh, the rest ofc is my fault pero hays ugh gah hays and fine, mas malaking factor pa rin freewill pero nauumay na ako na people look up to u kasi nga productive ka kuno and shit pero thats bc apakadaya mo and bespren kayo ng manager natin so :)))))))))))) man i hate work. 

hanggat maaari malinis ako magtrabaho, kung may mali honest mistake yun pero ang dali lang sa inyong mangdaya at mang argabyado at the expense of other people ngayon mambibitch ka. kasi mababa standing natin? tignan mo nga sarili mo bakit ang taas ng numbers mo :(( eh irarationalize ko rin to fleeting feeling lang to

 I'm not ok. It's very bad. I'm shutting down. Like really really badly. Idk, help? Idk. Bad bad kind of sad. 

 I have stuff to say, I miss Ryan (walang malisya). I miss going to the office, truth be told, tapos mangungulit ako kung anong ulam niya tapos siya naman ang giving naman din sa ulam at magagalit pa pag sinabi kong nagjojoke lang ako pag nanghihingi ng ulam (kahit joke lang naman talaga unless yung spicy eme yung baon niya or yung kare-kare). 

Man, I love my friends. 

I felt like shit last night, to tell you the truth. Pero I truly want to be better, kasi paulit-ulit lang naman 'to, eh. 

 i have shit to say but not the energy to say them

For someone who supposedly knows how to read the room, I sure have been horrible at it with these people.