I forgot to add, and idk why, but when they prayed bago kumain, Matt squeezed my hand. That felt like a special moment to me.

Let me try to capture exactly how I feel everytime I get in this kind of mood. I feel glued to my bed. I know I have commitments today, but honestly, I feel so scared to go out. I'm hiding from my landlord right now because I'm scared of being confronted, he messaged me to look for another housing for my pet. 

I'm hoping for what they call a deux ex machina. 

In other news, I've met with my boyfriend's parents and I hope it truly went well. I don't want to assume or be fully at ease.

Photos from that day:

I look pretty here.

We cute or whatever.

Ini-story nya na ako. Wieee! 

Cute ng card nila! Very Birch Tree ad vibes, I tell you.

I also want to flex this note Matt gave me on our anniv.

Feedback daw

And my favorite—his reaction to my gift. I'm glad he recorded it. I'm so happy he looked so happy here kahit na na-annoy siya sa dami ng tape hahaha

When I start to feel not okay and then it begins to rub off on the other aspects of my life, it's all these that reminds me of what he means when he asks me kung kailan ba magiging sapat na kami pa. Mas naiintindihan ko na sya. 

Also met up with Airene and nag exchange gift kami sa clinic habang kumukuha ako ng medical certificate. 

Nag-lotto! 

Habang eto naman si Bebu na well-behaved.

I feel sad. I just don't hang around too much so that I don't spiral down. But I really do. 

 I feel sad. I'm trying my hardest not to stumble and break down. A lot of things seem pointless. I wish I could make a lot of things happen with a flicker of a wand or a blink of an eye. 

 I'm tired and sad, and I'm just lucky I have the rest of the year to distract me and help me cope until it ends. 

 I didn't expect this from Jenna 🥲 To be acknowledged means a lot? It feels nice, but I'm also embarrassed because I don't feel or think I am? I'm okay with being decent or competent, but to be the best would be a stretch. I'm thankful she sees me and doesn't think I'm a nuisance. I'm happy that I'm helping the team instead of pulling them down, because I see myself as a nuisance most of the time. Madalas talaga pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. I'll relish in this feeling while it lasts. 

Binati ako ng mama ni Matt over the phone, IM SO SHY

👉👈

I went over my messages with Cecille our general manager again today and had a good cry about it. 

Gnite