I had a weird dream. I dreamt this person I like kissed me. God ang mali. Maybe I should stop this break. I think I need to start looking for someone else. I really cannot like him. It's weird because this person doesn't like me back and this is futile. I really should just stop this. Natatakot na ako na baka lumalim pa 'to. Kawawa ako.

One thing I learned is it's the person that matters, and if this goes on, I might lose him. I wish I could share the full details to you, but I can't. Lol you'd laugh at me if you knew. Even I find it ironic and funny that's why when I woke up, I made a mini-facepalm. This is so wrong. I'm just getting more invested here. Speaking of invested, I finished a comic about Spongebob and Patrick fighting and becoming monsters and I also learned about the secret ingredient of krabby patty.

I wish I dreamt of that instead.

 hello sinusubaybayan mo na naman ako ahahah do you feel like youre babysitting me ahaha sorry sa abala but thanks for being there im ok so far. kanfeermd nang hindi ako gagraduate pa pero it ok i really dont want to yet. i hope ure ok too. im rooting for u!!!

 Alam mo narealize I really cannot like that person I like. I really really really really really really cannot like him:(((( Souper sad and also drunk

Hindi pa naman talaga ako ga-graduate this year for sure gawa ng back subject ko na PE. Alam ko namang nagmumukmok lang ako sa sulok madalas and nakikipag-socialize with a select few sa klase ahaha and this will be corny af but allow me this just quick, na-realize ko gawa ng mga kaklase ko na the burden an individual carries can be beaten by a community that cares.

I still want to drink, and I still question my purpose and self-worth, but I don't feel as crappy as I did the last few days. This is so corny but all I want to say is I have more things to feel grateful for than to be sad about at the moment. Life isn't the best, but I'll get by right now.

Honestly, when I woke up earlier, I just wanted to curl up on my bed until it's Monday and I then go to work. I was even just going to open Netflix and binge whatever, but my classmates' messages started flooding in the moment I turned on my mobile data. I changed my mind and got up instead, left for the office right after cleaning up after my puppy. 

My laptop is currently broken that's why I'm using my office computer. I caught up a bit on the activities I missed out on. There's still this translation task that's past due, but I spoke to our head and promised to make up for it on the next episode. 

Hindi ko pala kailangan ng jowa. Ang kailangan ko lang ay tawagin akong bebi ng mga kaibigan ko hmp

 I'm really sad and I want to self-harm. I suppose it's a good think I don't really like physically hurting myself. I don't want to talk to people. I'm waiting for my officemate to leave finish up at work right now, but that's about it. I want to go home and curl up on my bed and I don't think I'd care so much if the world was ending. There was a strong earthquake earlier where I was. I just feel like utter shit, honestly. 

 I have decided to hindi ako magboboyfriend hangga't hindi naaayos ang aking mga ngipin haha baka maaga ako magpustiso sa lagay na 'to. Magkaka-love life pa ba ako nito

 Para akong naiiyak pero walang lumalabas, and so we wait. Anyway, sinasabi ko nga sa'yo ampretty ko kanina hahaha medyo kailangan ko ng validation pero parang hindi na rin

Anyway, bahala na bahala na bahala na

Parang gusto kong uminom

Have I ever recommended a song to u? Check mo to https://youtu.be/U58RIlbGfq4

I like their other song called, "VLS" idk what it stands for but I like it and think of this person I like when I hear it anw gnite slep na me good morning or gnite sau

Edit: I'm back. I've been thinking abt how this unrequited thing is actually good bc it's teaching me not to jump at any possible opportunity to be in a relationship and take my sweet time enjoying myself instead. It gets lonely for sure, pero I'm learning to not flirt back sa mga taong hindi ko naman talaga gusto pero nagpakita ng konting motibo. Haha. If someone liked me for real, they'll do enough to make it known, and if they aren't doing that, then alam ko na. Hahaha. I feel proud na I haven't been going out with guys so much. Tipid din. Hahahaha.

Need ko ng PhilHealth ID para sa GCash ko.

I won't be brilliant, but I just want to live the rest of this little life I have in peace.

Gusto kong uminom at magsoundtrip with a friend I can talk about anything. Tapos may mga masasabi din siyang wala sa script, yung di ko inaasahan. 

I forgot I uploaded this earlier this year. This will be lengthy. I'm so fat but who else will see this, right?

https://youtu.be/6O825H-9388

ang tamlay tamlay today parang gusto ko ng jowa at cuddle hayst pero im ok masaya ako today kasi naka jebs ako after 2 days of being constipated 

pero yung emotionally constipated eme still remains unresolved. 

im taking a break right now from all my supposed commitments

i was drinking sometime last yr and i chanced upon an old exchange between me and a friend and i mentioned na wedding vow na namin ba yun and i cringed because ATHENA HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING OUT THERE 

Nakakahiya :( why do i wear my heart on my sleeve

Tangina nakakahiya talaga kadiri ahahah athena bakit ka ganyan!!!!!!! nakakahiya kaya dapat hindi ako ganun nakakahiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa gusto kong umuwi na 

nasa-sad ako sa totoo lang like souper sad minsan parang gusto kong umiyak pero parang constipation, hindi ko siya mailabas-labas sa di malamang dahilan ahaha :( 

also, naayos na mej ang aking sleeping sched when i started taking melatonin. by the way sana okay ka lang today. ang hirap maging adult, ano? 

okay ka lang ba? parang im worried about you kasi ako i have you pero ikaw who do you have? sana meron ka ring ikaw the same way i have you and my other friends

maulan pa naman sometimes it worsens people's moods. hmmmmmmmmmm

hope it's nicer on your side of the planet, maybe you've been vaccinated already and you can go out with people whose company you enjoy haha if youre not filipino then ure lucky. if ure indian, i mourn with you ahah. if ure western, yay! if ure korean, marry me hahahaha joke lang i dont like the language barrier and i dont like the idea of having to speak english 24/7 gusto ko lang mahiga pag uwi at bumuntong-hininga at magmura nang malutong 

ive downed about 4 cups of coffee na and it isnt really pushing me enough to work ahahah but thats okay, i can forgive myself. i hope u can too on days when ure not at your best, or years. kasi there will be other years to make up for it. ahaha., if youve come across this little blog of mine, that means masamang damo ka rin and that means u still have a lot of years to go (now whether this is a good thing or not, idk lol)

 Remember my post yesterday? Came across this now :))

 I noticed that I don't take photos of my face as much as other people and it would've been okay if the reason for it is because I don't care, but the truth is, I do care. The only thing keeping me from taking selfies is my immense dislike for my face.

I felt like I wanted to show my face on Facebook because "face" book? But when I went through my photos on my Google Drive, there's isn't anything recent that is decent. Lol.

So I tried taking selfies to, you know, push my brain into accepting that this is the face I have whether I like it or not. But idk. I didn't really like it. My skin's glowy tho, but may breakout ako sa noo. Hay.

Sent the photos to a girl friend I was comfortable sharing them to and I find it funny how the first few photos had me trying pa to look decent (not photoshoot level ha, but decent pang-story, ganun) tapos sa dulo, I just gave up and did whatever.

The camera does not love me. Hahahahaha. Okay. I'll try to sleep now. Bumili na rin ako melatonin, sana um-okay na sleep sched ko.

I'll admit something din. The only thing keeping me together is keeping the important things off my mind. Oo, escapist talaga ako. Hahaha. Sinasabi ko lang na tanggap ko na ang mga bagay-bagay, pero hindi ko lang talaga sila pinagtutuunan ng pansin for now, pero medyo napapagod na ako. Also, January pa pala ako nag-uninstall ng dating app (although last labas ko was Feb)–yay!!!!!! It's already July!! 

May kwento pala ako. So meron yung time last week ata na ayokong mag-isa so I looked for someone on my friends list to go out with but there was no one else available but this guy I was in LFS with so we went out. It was honestly a waste of time and money, pero tapos na. Now I know better not to go out with him anymore. Tapos sabi niya split daw kami sa bill at babayaran niya na lang ako sa Gcash pero hindi naman siya nagbabayad. Ayoko na ring singilin kasi ako nga naman yung nagyaya. Pero okay lang, may positive eme naman. Una, napatunayan ko na sa sarili kong may restraint na ako kahit may alak kasi hindi ko talaga siya pinatos hindi ako nagpakita ng kahit anong motibo. And yucks the conversation really annoyed me. I enjoyed talking to his friend more than him. Lol. Ikalawa, I found someone to unfriend. The audacity of this guy to assume na I liked him daw. He thought I have crush on him... Like... We don't even talk much, I don't even give him my time. Okay lang ba siya? Nakakainis. Pero ayun nga, now I know better. And the whole time we were together, I was actually just thinking of my dear, dear crush. Sigh.

Also, speaking of LFS, nalaman ko habang nasa trabaho ako na pinatay ng pulis yung isa sa mga nag-recruit sa akin dun (hello redtagger I already quit btw) :( nanlambot ako sa balita. Ganun lang pala talaga kadali mawala ang mga tao sa buhay natin.

Iniisip ko paano kaya pag namatay magulang ko.

Alam mo, now that I have more time to think about it, I think I'm sad. I hope it's not the Big Sad™ kasi I'm not sure how to go about it anymore.

Siguro ito lang yung sinasabi nilang emotional constipation kaya parang okay pa ako.

Sabi ni Google, when dealing with emotional constipation, you have to acknowledge your feelings and feel them, but I can't because it's going to overflow and it will be too much and no one will be able to handle it, myself included... Especially.

Also, I've been eating rice a lot more lately. While I'm still overweight, I actually lost a bit of weight when I got sick. But I'm gaining them back now anyway. Hahaha.

Wow. There's an update. That's the update. Meron pa. Pero di pa ako ready.

Do you know how stupid I feel when my heart feels like crying but my brain wouldn't budge? Like, "wow, I'm actually dealing with crap right now" but my face is all V(^__^)V I don't like it. Hahaha. I don't even feel like turning to alcohol to help me release.

Sana may Dulcolax for feelings so that I can flush them away. Cheesy, pero pagbigyan mo na ako.

Gusto ko lang malaman mong the sweeter the song, the sadder it makes me feel kasi I'll never have that. All I'm saying is "All I Wanna Do" by The Beach Boys makes me feel so sad lalo na dun sa 1:17 mark??? :((( yieee iiyak na yan pati rin "All My Stars Aligned" :c Feeling ko sleep deprived ako today ulit. Ilang buwan nang apat na oras lang tulog ko. Pangit talaga tulog ko pag prime shift ako. :(

Alam mo, parang gusto kong magsulat. Pero takot na ako sobra. I think suko na talaga ako... I wish I had the time.

If you're wondering if I don't have friends I can reach out to, I do have friends, but everyone's busy living their own lives right now so I get it. Besides, if there's anyone I want to hang out with, it's just with a few specific people. Dalawa lang actually. Lol.

 

 I've been thinking about dying lately. I hope when it happens you cry for me oo kulang ako sa aruga

Joke. While the aruga bit is true, the first part is no longer true.i don't want u to cry for me anymore I don't care.

 Thank u sa'yo :))))))))

Nalulungkot ako ayokong mag-isa ngayon pero wala akong mapuntahan

 Nanaginip ako nagcuddle kami ni crush pero may white lady na ginigilitan ng leeg sa tabi namin and we're like "ano ba yan nood nga tayo ibang movie yung hindi horror" pero lahat daw ng available movies ay heavy drama o horror ano na din pakaweird

 About the previous post, no I have no lingering feelings I just hope they're ok and I'm also this vulnerable bc I'm tired and feeling like crap I dropped by Watsons and found a cologne I like hehehehe so excited to use it and I'll be trying miscellar water since I can't find my usual toner and I got me dog multivitamins hopefully it gets her drowsy haha I forgot to buy my own meds ahahah I'm too lazy to go out na pls huhu I'm tired I've been so tired I barely have the energy to binge watch 

Half a year has passed and idk what's up anymore. My other friends are demotivated as well and aren't sure abt graduating anymore. Me, maybe I'll do it next yr instead. I'm fucking tired. I want to feel drunk without getting drunk or not. Idk. Wow is this adulting—losing my love for getting drunk? Hahaha I just wanna feel okay and calm and motivated I weigh 13 kgs more than I should but I'm too lazy to exercise

I wanna go to the vet or walk my dog but I'm too lazy and this hyperacidity thing is uncomfortable

I also wanna buy nipple tape so that I don't need to wear a bra anymore bras are so uncomfortable

I hate feeling unwell bc I get so soft and sad and I feel like crying and I want a mom who'll make me soup or smth and I wanna cuddle what a fucking baby yucks anyway

I was going to use the pabili service on Grab but I realized gamot pala bibilhin ko lol