Do we really just decide to be okay? How many more times am I supposed to feel shitty? Wala akong patutunguhan after I graduate. I hate myself so much. I hate my face, and that I'm not conventionally pretty. Scratch that, I'm fucking ugly. I hate my voice, and how much I've deluded myself that I could sing. I hate my body, I'm not small or fat enough. I hate that I'm dumb.

Am I really okay the way I am? Like, I know there's always room for improvement, but am I really insecure about nothing? I feel like utter shit, and I have friends, but I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling because I don't think they really like my person. So I'm telling you.

Sabi ni Marj sa akin, I shouldn't let this shitty feeling win over me, pero why can't stories just end at happily ever after? I don't want anything to come after that. I'm fucking tired of fighting and trying to exist and reminding myself that I shouldn't kill myself over and over. 

There's something I want to say, but I don't want to burden you with it.

I'm not good for anything or anyone. I don't deserve anything. I sound like a broken record, but it really do be like that. 

Bakit nga ba ako umiiyak pag dinuduro-duro ako at tinatawag na demonyo ng magulang ko kung totoo naman yun?

(Here's me crying in our office restroom. Yipee!)

I'm waiting for the jeepney to arrive on my stop, and you know what, thoughts have been thunk—I do want to take care of my father. I worry about how he's doing. I worry because he's alone, and his life choices are all questionable (oo, kasali dito yung hindi nila pagputok sa akin sa kama). I worry about what he eats. A co-worker told me that I spend enough for a family when I go grocery shopping, and he could've been that family I buy things for.

Shet, pamilya lang pala talaga gusto ko, I realize. Why did it take me so long to say this straight to the point, god.

But I also worry for myself because life has been shitty with him. He hurts me, we have shouting matches, he is unreasonable most of the time if not all the time, he doesn't want to try being better. He uses sympathy like a crutch. I am basically his younger version. Hahaha

I realized that my mom and dad are polar opposites. And I am the result of that union. Lol. Ah. I'll just cram my assignments. 

 

I had such a restful sleep today! I love sleeping at night! Time to go do my thesis but idk where to start. Hahaha

I'll try to be okay. 

I just want to be in the creative industry. That's for sure. But I don't know what I want to do exactly or aim for. 
 

 so a friend sent me this:

wow what a tedious process...

naisip ko na naman yung ngisi nung kahero sa 7-eleven nung bumili ako ng condom tsaka robust like ser,,,, (nagpabili kawork ko)

para akong tatrangkasuhin am i gonna die :c gusto ko nang umuwi so i can have a crying sesh feelimg sick makes me feel so weird and vulnerable i hate it. una ko naisip nung naisip kong pwedeng covid to was oh ok lang naman if madeadz na me. tapos nag e-echo lang sa ulo ko na lost cause ako kaninang break ko. meant to be??? char ahaha stoko na umuwi talaga. 

im deleting my dating app profiles na. suko na ako. 

sabi ng direct supervisor ko, mag-ingat daw ako if magpa-participate daw ako sa mga rally. maybe the world isnt as hopeless after all charot

 am sad. di na ulit gumagana red bull as pampagising/pampagana sa akin. naka-2 bote ako kahapon. nag-grocery ako kahapon. hirap ng walang jowa, walang magbubuhat ng pinamili ko. sabi ni jea, pang-isang pamilya raw ako mag-grocery, pamilya na lang kulang. (sinamahan ako ng kawork ko mag-grocery kanina ehehe yay company!) gusto ko lang ng pagmamahal. us2 q lang ng kaunting aruga. gusto ko lang na may mauuwian. ahaha. sad girl hours na ito yes. sorry sa nag-iisa kong reader. super sad ako ngayon. wala akong ganang magtrabaho eheh

gusto ko lang na may kayakap matulog ahaha gusto kong matuloggg na may katabing tao na buhay. gusto kong mahalin ako ni freddie highmore. gusto ko ng jowaaaaaaaaaaaaa. yoko na ng karat karat lang </3 us2 q ng pagmamahal at arugaaa. ugh the yearning is so strong. us2 qng matulog fuckitty fuck. lamig lamig sa opis eh sarap tuloy matulog lang gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

pag ibig aruga pagmamahal yakapppppppppppppppppppp tulogggggggggggggg peraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

gusto ko lang na may inaamoy-amoy akong leeg :c yieee gusto mo rin ba yon? gusto mo rin yon di ba? :c joke hays di ko nga alam kung naiintindihan mo to eh bahala ka diyan hays. actually i have someone in mind pero secret na lang kung sino baka ikaw pala yang nagbabasa eh malay ko ba. hays ako ayyyyyy ughhhhhhhh. gusto ko mang-amoy ng leeg ayon lang . feel ko naman mabango siya ahahah. 

gusto kong amuyin leeg moooooooo tapos matulog lang. tulog together greater than symbol sex alammobayon ha

pero di na ako sobrang averse sa sex i actually want sex like any other person pero di ganong intimacy mas prefer ko god i just want jowa god god god god god god

gusto ko yung tuturuan akong magbike tapos mag-go-grocery kami together maglilinis ng bahay together maglalaba together mag exercise together pero separate ligo. bathtime is sacred. pero gusto ko magpakuskos ng likod ko nung bath salt na binili ko kasi di ko abot HAHAHA :c 

HOY READER, tell me you love me ~cue James Ingram's "I Don't Have the Heart to Love You"

NOT THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO ang sad ang sad bakit hindi ako crush ng mga crush/naging crush ko bakit ba ako pangit ahahah :c char ang self pity naman niyan. sad lang. sinabihan ako ng isa kong friend na papangit ng mga ex ko ahaha grabe. wala eh. minahal ko naman yung mga yon. sana magka jowa na ako ng crush ko. pogi mga crush ko eh ahaha

may crush ako na perfect na sana ahaha kaso di niya nga ako crush sad lang gusto ko amuyin leeg niya tas matulog lang kasama siya. AS IN. TULOG LANG. pero if gusto niya something else pwede naman hehehehhheehehehheheehehhe. pero parang mas soft at intimate matulog lang. 

di ko na alam bakit ito nasa isip ko god athena ayusin mo buhay mo

im exhausted CRUSH KO MAHALIN MO NA AKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ganda ni lady gaga

yung isa ko namang smol crush hindi pa binabayaran utang niya hmp

ang dami kong crush pero maganda na yun para di ako masyadong masaktan ahaha pero may legit at real crush talaga ako tas god hahaha alam mo yung parang may nag-tug sa heartstrings ko nung may ginawa siyang small thing last time we interacted :c like. ang warm lang sa heart. tapos masaya na ako pag nagpaparamdam siya :c :c ang babaw ko ang high school ko huhuhu

sana ako na lang siya para di ko na lang din siya ma-crush man ill get over this why is the yearning so strong right now. may date dapat ako after shift and the guy is cute pero meh. ultimate crush pa rin

ganda ng boobs ko ngayon... maaaring senyales to na malapit na ang buwanang dalaw ko haha huhu

GUSTO KONG MATULOG KASAMA CRUSH KO FUCK INAANTOK AKO BAKIT LALO AKONG INANTOK PAGKAINOM KO NG RED BULL

so it's around 8AM now and im re-reading this and yucks kadiri ko, like hey ofc i still want to be with someone pero yucks kadiri naman nitong pinagsasabi ko 

 I keep thinking kung ito na ba talaga ang kinahinatnan ng buhay ko, na am I supposed to surrender to the monotony of life? And maybe me drinking to feel is my way of breaking out of it. It's easier to be sad because it is what I've known for most of my life.

Ang hirap maging masaya.

Do I just give in na lang at maging robot?

Maybe it is true what they say, that it is cowardice to revel in the sadness and pain, and that it is much braver to choose to be happy.

Anyway there's this person who's always going to be special to me, and I wish for you the best things in life. :) you may not love me as much as I love you, but that's ok. 

 

hehe kung may dahilan para magresign ako sa trabaho, ikaw talaga yun :)))))))))))))))))))))) nahehelo na naman ako kasi nababadtrip ako :))))))))))))) pero hapitots hapitots

tbh ikaw naman talaga dahilan kaya ako nawalan ng gana sa trabaho eh, the rest ofc is my fault pero hays ugh gah hays and fine, mas malaking factor pa rin freewill pero nauumay na ako na people look up to u kasi nga productive ka kuno and shit pero thats bc apakadaya mo and bespren kayo ng manager natin so :)))))))))))) man i hate work. 

hanggat maaari malinis ako magtrabaho, kung may mali honest mistake yun pero ang dali lang sa inyong mangdaya at mang argabyado at the expense of other people ngayon mambibitch ka. kasi mababa standing natin? tignan mo nga sarili mo bakit ang taas ng numbers mo :(( eh irarationalize ko rin to fleeting feeling lang to

 I'm not ok. It's very bad. I'm shutting down. Like really really badly. Idk, help? Idk. Bad bad kind of sad. 

 I have stuff to say, I miss Ryan (walang malisya). I miss going to the office, truth be told, tapos mangungulit ako kung anong ulam niya tapos siya naman ang giving naman din sa ulam at magagalit pa pag sinabi kong nagjojoke lang ako pag nanghihingi ng ulam (kahit joke lang naman talaga unless yung spicy eme yung baon niya or yung kare-kare). 

Man, I love my friends. 

I felt like shit last night, to tell you the truth. Pero I truly want to be better, kasi paulit-ulit lang naman 'to, eh. 

 i have shit to say but not the energy to say them

For someone who supposedly knows how to read the room, I sure have been horrible at it with these people.