What I Hate

I hate building a connection with you.

I want to hate building a connection with you.

Now you know that I want to own a trailer and park it on Star City so I could sleep in it and have the lights from the park for a backdrop.

You now know as well about my dream of driving my trailer to a beach at night and sleep there. And about how I'd love to take Rihanna's cue from one of her music videos and dance on tables. Kiss someone on a playground while we're on the swing. Drink beer while walking by the highway. Sit on top of the jeep during a trip on a late afternoon. Color my hair something bold.

You've even already met Panwi, that black and white picture of a man I've always feared of as a child from a Tempo newspaper, and the bald guys from an old Eggnog commercial who creeped me out. I also told you about how I've feared those colored pictures and illustrations of quasars and other heavenly bodies.

"What a cutie," you said in between laughing, then you pinched my nose.

I sighed and just blamed myself for having a wild imagination as a child.

You said you wanna build a spaceship someday, and I thought maybe I could help you out. Maybe we could take off when we finish building it together and then put the ship on autopilot while we stare into the vast darkness of the outer space. Then, if quasars and Jupiter would still scare the shit out of me, maybe then you could squeeze my hand.

"I know the fear. But I've learned to take comfort in the same fear," you could say.

Then you'd continue, "I'm with you."

And your hand would have that warmth mine has always longed for.

Fuck that.

I hate that I just might want to build this connection with you. I guess I can only blame myself for having this wild imagination even as a grown-up, and I hate that the most. 

Ang Sagot sa Lahat ng Bakit

Kasi ako 'yung taong pinapababa sa trike kasi dalawa yung pasahero sa likod ko kaya kailangan kong mag-adjust at lumipat sa susunod na bibiyaheng trike.

Kasi ako 'yung taong sinisingitan lang sa pila tuwing nasa entrance ako ng mall o kahit anong pila pa 'yan.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi pinapansin pag umo-order ng pagkain sa karinderya.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi inaabutan ng flyer ng mga promos o house and lot sa mall at overpass.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi nakakababa sa dapat kong babaan kahit na maaga pa lang, pumapara na ako sa driver. Sabi naman nila, para na naman daw pang-megaphone yung boses ko.

Kasi ako 'yung taong hindi nila gugustuhing makatabi sa bus, na baka kahit yung sa tabi ko na lang 'yung bakante, mas pipiliin pa nilang mag-standing ovation sa buong biyahe.

Kasi ako 'yung nakakahiyang babaeng feeling artistang nagbi-breakdown nang walang sabi-sabi sa jeep, sa PNR o sa trike.

Kasi ako 'yung taong naaalala na lang pag nakauwi na siya sa kanila kahit na may usapang may lakad kami.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng hindi maiisip na magugustuhan kasi ang ang taba ko para sa standards niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng lalapitan at kakausapin lang kasi nangako yung ka-carpool niya ng libreng sandwich sa recess.

Kasi ako 'yung mababaw na taong nadadala na kapag nakikita ko yung likod niya o kaya kapag nakakatulog siya. O kaya naman natutuwa nung napansin kong spicy chicken yung lagi niyang kinakain sa Jollibee at laging merong apple pie ang order niya sa McDo.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng nakakapukaw lang ng atensyon niya kasi mailap ako sa mga tulad niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng naniwala sa mga "sana mas maaga kitang nakilala," atsaka sa "Nakikita ko yung future kong kasama ka," pati na rin sa "ibibigay ko sa'yo 'tong singsing na galing pa sa lolo ko."

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng hindi kayang sumabay sa mga laro nila.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng ini-etsapwera na lang pag nailapat na niya yung labi niya sa akin, at kapag naramdaman niyang tinutugon ko na yung bawat galaw niya.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng pinapapunta ng magulang niya sa sulok para kausapin, kasi hindi raw makakatulong sa 'growth' naming dalawa kung may mamamagitan sa amin.

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng nilalandi nung nag-separation trial lang pala sila ng sabi niyang ex-girlfriend niya

Kasi ako 'yung babaeng lalapitan niya kasi nakikita niya minsan sa akin yung dating naging uniberso niya.

Kasi hindi ako pwedeng tumanggi.

Kasi hindi ako pwedeng mapagod, sino ba naman ako kundi isang hamak na bente anyos lang na nilalang?

Kasi malusog ako, malakas, may buhay na mga magulang.

Kasi swerte ako at may trabaho pa ako.

Kasi bata pa ako at malaki at malawak daw ang mundo.

Kasi mas malalim ang pinaghuhugutan niya kaya kailangan ko laging habaan yung pisi ko at saka, "Hoy, wala pa sa kalingkingan ng kuko ko 'yang kinukuda-kuda mo kaya magtigil ka!"

Kasi wala raw siya sa tamang pag-iisip pa-minsan-minsan kaya kailangan kong intindihin na lang kung bigla niyang maisipang ibitin ako ng patiwarik o kaya hampasin ng kung ano'ng mahawakan niya sa gitna ng kalsada, at kung magkapasa-pasa man o paso o kung 'di ako makahinga pag nasiko niya ako, kailangan kong maniwalang nakakagaling yung pang-isang libo niyang "sorry, di na mauulit."

Kasi kailangan kong ibigay at ibalik yung mga bagay na hindi ko naman naranasan sa kanya, bilang utang na loob.

Kasi kailangan kong intindihin na oo, mahal ka nun, pero wait, wait, wait! Kailangan ko munang dumaan ng isang milyong obstacle course para makita 'yon! ♡

Not For The Movies

I wish I didn't forget it meant nothing every time you rest your head on my shoulders and play with my fingers, and then I drown in your scent... Because the only something we had was in the way your hands would break away from mine once the lights go back on and the movie ends.

I wish I wasn't stupid enough to forget, but you're so beautiful that I always did.

Me Too

I've had an old man, a family friend, stalk me and threaten to kill himself "out of love" for me. Like, Lolo, what do you expect me to do? Mother your apos?

The funny thing is we reported him to our local DSWD bc he just won't stop the threats.  And we (my dad and I) tried to file a blotter case against him, but some days after, I saw the old man's face again in our very own home. He was getting chummy with us again bc my father came to him in need of money.

All along, he'd give me this stuff and I thought he was just being a galante na tito but tada, there was more to it as it turned out.

I remember how tense I would get whenever I would walk home to and fro school and I would be forced to take the route close to where he lives. My friends would sometimes laugh at me already bc of how 'praning' I'd get, shrugging it off and telling me I'm safe. Well, the old man said he'd shoot himself with a gun in front of me, how am I supposed to react?

But I laugh about this now, comforted with the idea that I'll never have to see him again.

Was I mad at my father for risking my safety out of financial necessity? I don't know. Maybe. Surely, there were other means. Why would he have to resort to asking help from the people we wanted--no, needed to stay away from?

The tragedy was, the other means of financial resource that my dad saw was not very decent, but that's another story. They say you can't have it all. And I never did. But maybe at some point, I was lucky to have had enough and to remain alive and untouched by filthy hands as such.

There

Sometimes, I do wish that I could be physically there for you.

The silence would be real but you would be there in the middle of the quietness with me. Your attention could be elsewhere, but it's okay. . . Maybe that could be the moment when we both could finally be real, even if only for once. Maybe then I would not need to beg for love anymore. Maybe then we both would be at peace. Maybe then I can hold you and feel your warmth. Maybe then I can be enough for you. Maybe this is me starting to get crazy for you that I'm willing to make do with the intangible things you and I are not. Maybe I'm okay with living a lie? Maybe my heart will break for all the things we'll never be.


Maybe I like it better to break for you than for it to not have done anything at all.

11:11

You're an 11:11 wish that's been granted, undeserving as I am.

You will be in every song I hear,

in every sound my lips utter,

in every secret I whisper,

in everything my fingers touch. . .

You will be all the beauty my eyes see. I have my sight set on you, point-blank.

Yes, I will always want it to be you.

a i r

I a m s o t i r e d o f t h i s ,


o f


t h e


s a m e


o l d


f u c k i n g


c y c l e ,








o f


h o w


i t


n e v e r


e n d s ,








o f


h o w


p e o p l e


j u s t s h r u g i t o f f


a n d


s a y ,


" y o u c a n m a k e i t "


o r , " p r a y "


o r , " b r e a k d o w n


y o u r


w a l l s "





a s i f


l i f t i n g t h e


s l e d g e h a m m e r


i s e a s y


e n o u g h . . .





s o m e t i m e s


i c a n ' t b r e a t h e .





andtheneverythingflashesback.howeverythingwentdownhillandhowitwasmyfault.


" f o r g i v e

y o u r s e l f "


t h e y t e l l m e ,


a n d


i


d o





B u t


i ' v e g r o w n t i r e d


o f


f i g h t i n g . . .





" G E T O U T ! ! !


P l e a s e ,


l e t ' s j u s t


g i v e u p


a l r e a d y . . . "

Untitled no. 4

Just goes to show that one really cannot trust eveybody. Mas maganda nang gawin mo kung anong pakiramdam mo ay tama para pag pumalpak man, wala kang ibang pwedeng sisihin kundi sarili mo. Di tulad nang nakinig ka sa iba kesyo kasi mas matanda sila, kesyo kasi mas marami na silang naging trabaho... Mag-iinvest ka pa ng emosyon, inis, galit sa ibang tao. Makakalimutan mong choice mo pa ring sundin sila.

Something

I am torn between feeling excited for the new life that awaits me and feeling sorry for the one I'll be leaving behind. There is no middle ground, just two feelings up against each other and waiting to dominate my mind and heart.

Good times, this life was, but someone needs to stretch her boundaries and learn more.