I hope I start sleeping on my bed again next year. It was nice seeing you again. I hope everything falls into their rightful places. I didn't really need this validation but it was nice being told "Alam mo buti ikaw hindi ka social climber" it was also nice being told I'm good at my job.

Funny how 2021 passed by like a wink of an eye, but the three months you weren't around felt longer than the entire year. 

I wonder how many of these people are going home to nobody like me. Ang tagal kong di bumalik dito kasi di ko alam anong sasabihin. I feel sad. Pero wala rin akong energy na ilagay dito. Ayun lang. Merry Christmas sa'yo. 

 I've been a little productive today. Cleaned my ref and folded my clothes. 

It looked like this earlier:

I'm so happy because I've had so much time for myself over the weekend. Nakabawi ako ng tulog and nabawasan din breakout ko sa mukha hehehe. I don't think I'll get to paint my wall before the new year. Lol.

I got my workmate her cat litter but I don't know how to gift wrap it. Yun yung package diyan sa taas na pic. Ang laki kasi. Lol. It's also so difficult to find a purple outfit. 

I don't know what to feel. I've been wanting to get my alone time since last week, which I couldn't do because so many things happened. I'm not mad at my friends, not at all, it's just that it's so exhausting. That conversation above annoyed me kasi fine, I might scroll endlessly on my phone till I fall asleep but lying down on my bed doing that is more comfy than walking around the mall, making conversation and forcing myself to interact when I haven't had a wink of sleep since I got off work. I'm not even hungry. 

Anyway, I got my hair done. Look:

True. I'll sleep na muna. Gnite

 Honestly, right now, I feel so languid and I wish time would at least pause or maybe, possibly stop--and my life along with it. Obviously, there are some things you just don't get in life, this being one of those. I don't know if this is just a side effect of this drink I recently tried or maybe it's the sleep deprivation. It sucks that I'm now seated with this officemate I sometimes consider my office crush, though most of the time, he's really nothing but a stranger. I don't really care much about him. At least not as much as I care about you. I miss you. Typing about you makes me tear up. Lol. 

Good news, I reunited with Ate Wheng earlier today. We went to MOA, and that's why I only got 2 hrs of sleep, but hey, the things you do for friendship, right?

There's been this trend going around lately about how not sharing this sticker on Instagram or Facebook implies one supports (?) rape? And honestly, I know I'm truly, truly against rape but the idea of participating in such irks me. Lol. I talked about it with a friend and she said that it seems performative, and while I agree that it appears that way, I cannot help but remember what someone told me about how intent is innate so we're really none the wiser when it comes what these people's intentions are. 

I honestly just want the day to be over. 

We're also going to have a Christmas party next week at work, and I'm FUCKING stressed, as in I cannot express how much it fucking stresses me out just to think of what to put on my wishlist. I don't really like asking stuff from people I'm not really close with. Asking for favors for things I really need is no problem, but this is just excess. I don't really have anything I want someone else to buy for me. Or at least, it's not something you can buy on Shopee or Lazada lol. 

I feel so floaty and weird. I just want to curl up on my bed and cry. 

I think it's Ryan's birthday. Happy birthday. 

 

I got me a new tattoo! :) 

Nakita ko lang convo namin ng ex ko. Normal lang naman mamiss siya di ba? Di naman ibig sabihin nun di pa ako nakaka-move on? Nakakamiss lang naman talaga magkaroon ng someone, nakakamiss yung good times di ba?

I realized my ex was right. While I don't feel any more confident than I did before, it's sad nga na ang baba ng tingin ko nga sa ibang tao because I don't trust their judgment when they say good things about me. I find it hard to believe. Nasanay akong palpak ako bilang tao. Sorry it took me this long to come around, but I get you now, Russel.

I hope I find a higher paying job. I love the people at work, really. I have high regards for them, pero it won't pay the bills. I hope I can resign soon. 

 Weird that the last blog entry had 4 views. Anyway, thanks for being there. It feels weird that I'm currently gushing over Irish creme breve (it tastes good!), but really, I feel like crap. It's not like I'm deliberately thinking I feel like crap because I'm scared of feeling nice. Or maybe I am. Joke, I'm not. I just want to curl up on the bed and sleep. And maybe cry. I cannot even have alcohol. I wish I got sick. I also received my second dose today! Yay. I felt productive. And still crappy. I feel so drowsy. I just want to sleep the rest of the year away. I feel sad. There's supposed to be a Christmas thing for work, and while I'd appreciate being part of the gift exchange, I really don't want to plan anything with my peers. Nothing against them, it's just me. I really feel like shit during the holidays. Idk why. It's always been difficult this time of year. I wish I didn't feel like crying right now. 

I feel like something's wrong with me. I rave about coffee but I also feel so low. It doesn't feel right. But it is what it is. I just wish to feel better soon. I mean, I don't go on AWOL now at least. Small wins, I guess. 

My boss said I need to reactivate my Messenger so we can plan for the party. I don't have the energy... I just want to be left alone and sulk in a corner. But at the same time it would feel nice to be included in something, be a part of something. Pero ewan. I'm just rambling. I should be working right now. I want to take a nap. I had 7 hrs of sleep. But I still want to take a nap. I put on lipstick today tp try to feel good about myself but I still don't. It's like opening all my office files instantly makes me want to go home and sleep. 

I hope I get hired at NICE. Please. :( I can now go to the cinemas. But should I. Mas makakatipid din naman ako magstream na lang online. Di ko naman ikamamatay. 

I'd like to wish for one sweet plot twist before the year ends, but I've known the cosmos enough to push the thought away. Because there are no plot twists that spring out of nowhere to nudge me to the good place. I live a life somewhere between lucky and unlucky. There isn't anything going on or anything good to look forward to. Umay. I wish I get hired sa NICE. While I really like what I'm doing right now, I need higher pay. I'll be good. 

Or at least I wish I was brave enough to end my life so I stop thinking. Lol. It would feel good to hurt myself i think . Alam mo iniimagine ko na lang na sinasaktan ko sarili ko kasi feeling ko yun yung deserve ko. I feel like utter crap. I dont even know why. Im not in such a bad place honestly so i dont understand why I'd feel like this but here we are. I dont want to talk about this anymore with other people kasi wala naman tayong magagawa ganito na lang to 

Man, everyone really leaves huh. 

Time to breakdown again hehe

Can I just add:

My workmates have sent me this before they left. I'll keep it here. Thanks for the kind words despite myself.