So my period came 5 days late, and will you please remind me why I need to go through this every month when I'm not even sure if I need this or if I plan to bear any children in the future?

I ghosted my therapist again. Hahaha. And my nose is runny. I hate it here. 

 still at a low, but im trying my best to hang in there. my period is also delayed goddammit. obvi im not pregnant but ugh i hate the irregularity

 would a diagnosis actually help people

im at a low right now. cant even work. coffee isnt doing its thing

 bitch u thought i'd make it for a week without going on here? nah-uh hahahaha

dat girl raised the bar to a different level, and while I'd like to commend her, god i dont want to work so hard hahahaha suddenly feeling the urge to resign but of course i cant lmao what a joke anyway,,, im getting evil thoughts as in "eh, she cherry picks her calls" btw i literally looked at the a few of her calls for this week and it is apparently true hahahah but im trying my best not to think negatively of her because that only makes me look like a sore loser which i probably am AAAA i dont want to work so damn hard haha pls,,, maybe to encourage myself, the basic target right now is something i can attain within half of my shift haha so i may be not as awful but good fucking lerd

 It only takes three days and two bottles of strawberry soju for the high to wear off. 

So recently, there's this Twitter game going around on my timeline, which is like a variation of the number game, and I joined one of my friends', and here's what I got:

 

To be told that I look happier would have to be the best compliment ever. I've been told na I lost weight din daw despite not really doing anything. Could be the angle. Could've just been a good day. I don't know. I don't care much anymore. I do feel better. I'm sure I'll feel like shit again one of these days, but hopefully, I'll be able to deal with it in a much better way when it happens. Plus, I'm still alive, aren't I? 

Also, I saw a silhouette of a man glide past across my boss's house in an unbelievable speed a few nights ago. I wasn't exactly scared to the bones. I have to admit that after it happened, I kept looking outside, but I managed to take a nap afterwards. Sleeping trumps everything else. Anyway, as it turns out, someone died in the block last Saturday. It was a woman, which isn't probably connected to what I saw right? But no, ahaha. Fun part, she had a very short haircut. She died of a tumor, IDK where. I had to laugh, because I'm still skeptic about the existence of ghosts. Anyway, may she rest in peace. 

My boss scolded her nanny today, and I felt guilty because I don't really do much in their house anyway. I just keep to myself. She was talking about how the nanny sounds like she's always mad with the boss's son, and she was practically screaming her head off. I can't blame her though, I could tell that she's been sleep-deprived for two days now. Her eyes have been swollen and bloodshot lately. :( Doesn\t help that it's like she has three children to think about--her actual son, her boyfriend, and me. I'm a little glad though that they had the conversation, because I agree with my boss that the nanny has been very grumpy towards the kid. I'm no mom material, but I do know that kids don't deserve to be on the receiving end of your bad mood because they're literally just a child who don't know better than you??? Which is why I stay away from them because I'm scared of them and I don't think I can handle them. Anyway, the kid and I played. Had to take him away from the boss and the helper because yeah. 

It was also a bit weird how the nanny kept insisting that the boss sleep in her boyfriend's house instead of going home. Like, this is literally her house? Why are you throwing her out of her own home? Hahahaha. The helper said she's leaving after this pandemic problem. Hoooo. 

Ok. 

I know I can be loud lots of times, but I really feel uncomfortable in a house where people scream to get their point across. 

Hello everything :) 

I just want to share about how lately, I don't mind existing as much, so much that i can sing (as you can see). I won't go as far as saying I'm super psyched that I can go around throwing glitter on the pavement, nor do I aim to be that happy--that shit's exhausting. No one is a complete fluff of sunshine. 

But I'm at peace.

2020 is shit because of everything that has happened, I'm not going to lie. But that does not stop the year from becoming our year. It is my year--lazy days, unfinished knitting projects, and all. I think it's safe to say that I've outgrown that thinking that I have to advance and that I'm so behind the game or corporate ladder. Lol. I'm not. Getting to the top of the ladder is not my goal, or the goal... I just want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. Don't get this wrong, I don't promote slacking, but taking a goddamn break isn't that bad of a thing. I think. 

The discourse I've read it's true. Maybe it really is capitalism to blame for getting this competitive, every-man-for-himself type of mindset ingrained in our heads. It's not supposed to be a dog-eats-dog world out there, and the wronged ones are not to blame. 

I'm not to blame for trusting. 

I'm imperfect and mediocre as they come, but so is everyone else. We're really all just grains in the sand, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm part of a whole, and I fill a space. That's enough. 

I'm a little worried for when life throws a curveball my way (in the form of a subpoena from an ex), but I'm hopeful that I will get through it.

There's this set of people online from around the world whom I've been talking to these days, and it's nice how I don't feel any hint of "Ha! There's a guy. He might be boyfriend material" or something. They're just nice people, and that's it. I've been talking to people on dating apps too, but I don't feel the need to go out with them and start anything romantic. That's a huge leap, I must say. 

My only regret right now is being too shy to ask for a refund for the camcorder that was damaged upon shipment. I think I want to start a video diary too, aside from the blog posts. 

 hello everything

u know that day I only had one hour of sleep? well I turned out to be productive hahaha met the target, did my laundry, FUCKING TOOK A BATH AHA AHA.

anw i was browsing thru my old photos and idk why. this may seem narcisistic of me but why do i hate myself so much in the moment then end up looking at myself through old pictures and finding that im not as ugly as i thought i was at the time???

i mean look AT HER!!! LOOK AT THAT GLOWING SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK!! AT!! THAT!! GLOWING!! SKIN!! i know i smile like an idiot (esp on the 3rd pic) but thats just my brand, dont expect sexy hot pretty selfies from me,, but these were back in 2017? 2018? damn why did i waste this cutie on my exes,,,

versus present me btw (like i took this literally five mins ago)

Look at how long my hair has grown aaaaa,, and this AFTER CHOPPING OFF THE DAMAGED ENDS,,,,,also i havent taken a bath today but i did yesterday lols anw i havent combed my hair either so forgive me. anwwww, waaa my hair is growing,, i am a little tempted to dye my hair but idk,,, im thinking of growing my hair to my waist, like it was circa 2018-ish? see if i'll like it, if i dont, then ill damage it again aha aha aha aha it would be nice to have healthy hair for a change

i need to get the energy to watch the tree of life,, also i dont get im thinking of ending things so much, it needs a second viewing (or possibly, more) im so glad im feeling ok right now. i was starting to feel like crying again...

 hello everything haha

so... ive been away for a bit. thats because during those times, i felt like an actual human being. except i wasnt productive at work, but i was genuinely happy. :) this game im playing right now is actually fun and everyone there is turning to be fun. 

right now tho, im running on only one hour of sleep and i feel my body crashing any minute now. it feels heavy (and it actually is lols). i hate how coffee is now making me palpitate right now. or it may be the sugar in instant coffee. i used to be str0nK. what in the world happened?

i also saw okja the other day and <3 <3 <3 

i wanna sleep

 dear diary

kanina pa ako nagpapalpitate :) i wanna cry,, i cant work well,, it feels hot,,,