I got a haircut. 

My current favorite song.

 

Bahala ka hot ako today kanta mo oo

I cleaned my room today yehey.

Mamamatay na lang ba akong single? Hahahahhaa sige fine I will take this time to focus on myself fine siguro hinihintay lang ng universe na magsimula na akong mag exercise bago ako bigyan ng lovelife
 

 I went to the Leni-Kiko rally. I wish I get COVID but with no severe symptoms. I've been talking to someone. I've been feeling meh. I've been doing badly at work 

 All I can tell you is that I feel sad. I've been listening to Christmas songs. No questions. 

I had to laugh when that auto-populated because I was just about to search the same exact thing.

Here's your song, well it's the song playing in my head nonstop for days now. 

Good morning.

I enjoyed this morning. I liked my quick morning walk after work.

I also did something I never was able to for years. It felt uplifting to be able to look at my body, respect it, and be accepting of it. Don't get me wrong—I'm aware that I am fat, but my self-image has somehow improved enough for me to humor myself about how my belly fat looks like a smiling Gaten Matarazzo from Stranger Things, or how I look like the women in Renaissance paintings, despite having read that the models used for those paintings were male models. Lol. I don't hate my body so much that I can make fun of myself in a non self-deprecating manner.

I also don't feel the need to whiten my skin anymore. And I think that while I'm fat, with my dark red lippie, I am more than fuckable. I can still be desirable. I am pretty (wtf) and even more so when I'm happy and smiling. I will not show you pictures because you're a stranger and I'm not that stupid but my weight ranges between 55-60 kg and my height is 4'11" so gasul talaga but you know what, I'm not despicable. 

 Nag jump rope ako today. Sana panindigan ko. I need to set a sched. Hahahahha

 I wish my self worth isn't as tied in to work like it is now, pero eto na e. I still feel like shit. Nagbasag ako ng stuff. I want to punch a wall.

I abhor being incompetent and not being good at shit.

Your song. 

 I'm really starting to feel sad again 

 Hello

 Not sure if getting a bigger bed feels good. I actually feel like crap these days, but I don't think anyone (else) has to know. It's because I'm doing badly at work. Kaya rin ayoko na lang pag-usapan.

I'm so glad may sariling mundo ang mga tao—saves me from a lot of embarrassment. I wore very short shorts kasi, di ba ready butt cheeks kong ma-expose please.

But there they are.

Some people forget I'm not supposed to carry their hearts for them, that when I lift it sometimes, it's only to help them help themselves a little, but not fully take their load for them? Idk. I feel a little iffy honestly about how when I ask, I always get the short end of the stick. I guess, iniipon ko na lang hanggang sa mapuno na lang ako. Like? Yung bisitahin man lang ako hindi magawa when she lives across me?

Though, benefit of the doubt nga na baka may pinagdadaanan, pero ako rin naman? 

Tapos biglang may ganito and for what? Anywayyyyy. Di ko naman siya pinaplastik, hinahayaan ko ngang mag-unfold ang mga bagay-bagay over time and then decide by then. 

I don't feel like we're on the same page nor are our values aligned? Ayun. Buti na lang, mahal ko sarili ko so hindi ko hahayaang ma-exhaust ako. 

Anyway, namedropping time, yung suspetsa ko nung nakaraan ay si Miss Rina girl. LOL pero pwede namang hindi. Anyway. Kebs na lang talaga kung sino ka. Salamat sa pagsubaybay sa talambuhay ko teh hahaha :) 

If I can be honest, I don't feel the need to tell her how I feel these days anymore. I don't feel like I can still trust her anymore. I sorta looked up breadcrumbing in friendships and it adds up. See:

Man. So many plans that we didn't push thru with, tapos naisip ko lang, ako pa yung parang nasa mali kasi ang atat ko sobra na nagseset ako ng dates or para akong nagseset ng deadline or nagmamadali kahit hindi naman dapat? That's how it is when you want to see people, isn't it?

Ewan. 

 Napagsabihan ako ng isa kong friend na kalmahan ko lang daw and wag daw ako laging g na g kung wala namang deadline, pero parang... Kalma lang ako sa lagay na to. Tapos sabi rin ng boyfriend niya (si Adi to), ako raw yung tipo ng person na nagmamadali daw lagi kahit wala namang dapat pagmadalian. 

Hindi ko rin alam. Pero sa totoo lang kalma lang ako sa lagay na ito, hindi pa ito yung nagmamadali ako kasi kung nagmamadali ako, hindi na nila ako mahahagilap bilang ang langayan nila haha ayun nga rin may moments din naman akong ganun pero so far this year parang mas madaming times na ako ang nasa short end of the stick HAHAHAHA

ampanget hahaha pero ehh 

Good song!

Parang yung naririnig mo sa UV. Lol. Which is parang ganun na nga! Alam mo may speculation ako kung sino ka LOL na hindi si Ryan or kung sinumang ni-namedrop ko na dito. Di ko na inenamedrop. Pero kung ikaw man yon nahihiya ako LMAOOOOOOOOO TEH ANONG NAKIKITA MO DITO. Pero salamat ha. Di ko in-eksfeck. Para akong may guardian angel akakakak

Kung hindi pa rin ikaw yon, e di ehhehehe maganda na rin. I don't think gusto ko nga malaman kung sino ka talaga HAHA

I've been selling my stuff, baka gusto mong bumili lol

May binebenta akong kutson, motorcycle helmet, mesa, atsaka rack. 

Please. Gusto ko nang magdeact ulit kasi.

In other news, I had a weird dream earlier. There was this guy who I was lying in bed with and he was talking to me about his job, and he even told me na pinag-isa na raw talaga officially and Region 4-A at 4-B and it has something to do with NCR. Para raw mas clear yung distinction na southern talaga ang Region 4 IDK how that makes sense, legit panaginip ko lang to. Tapos PG-13 stuff, nothing gross. Then I thankfully woke up 

I hope my dog is doing okay right now. 

 And this, my friend, is probably why yesterday is tagged as April Fool's Day because sike! I still think if someone else comes along and I can never be with Ryan like that, then it can never be anyone else either. I'd rather die an old maid lol

"I'll start taking things at face value, that's what I mean by moving on. I deserve better than whatever this is I've subjected myself to."

I say this because I do deserve better, but at the same time, I'm also aware this is a choice I made on my own.

But do I love you any less? Not really.

Minsan, binabalikan ko 'tong ginawa kong 'to, at natatawa pa rin ako. I have to admire my own guts. Lol.

I'm back to wondering who you are.

I'll be moving today, and nakakatamad.

 I'll start taking things at face value, that's what I mean by moving on. I deserve better than whatever this is I've subjected myself to.

Im fucking beat but cannot sleep gnit