May napagdesisyunan ako: I will go back on the dating scene pag nag 49kg timbang ko HAHAHHAHA hahahaa

I think I might be positive for COVID haha buti na lang the symptoms aren't so bad. Hindi ako tinatrangkaso pero nung mga nakaraang araw parang lagnatin ako nun. Anyway, I'm trying to get tested. 

I also walked Bebu this morning. 

Sana mag WFH na me pls

Song

Another song

 Song!

It doesn't make sense that I'm this sleepy right now.

There's someone unwelcome here viewing my entries here lol tapos mumurahin ako bigla like why the fuck haha 

ayoko na lang replyan kasi what for 

anyway i wish they get off this space, it's not for them. 

anyway im so sleepy

idk why i dont feel like talking to my friends about my recent thoughts. i dont like talking to them about it anymore. anyway i feel so tired and drained i miss my dog bye

 Adventure! Nawala ko kasi susi ko, eh buti na lang may duplicate ako ng sa pintuan ng unit ko pero sa gate wala kaya inakyat ko gate namin. Hahaha tangina

Ive been eating ice cream a lot lately

Pakain ng client:

I feel so tired like my body's beat up

Song

You know, I still want to die. I really will do my best to die as soon as possible. Mag-iipon ako para ready na ako pag namatay ako and so I don't burden people, pero I'll just keep this between you and me. Ayoko nang ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko. Nakakapagod na rin. Ayoko na ring magdrama sa social media at ang futile. 

I don't even feel sad anymore at the thought. And at least di ba, hindi siya impulsive na decision. Paghahandaan ko na siya. Sa totoo lang, ang gaan sa pakiramdam isiping mamamatay rin ako. Magpapa-cremate na lang ako. Magsstart na akong mag-inquire for real once na pumatak ng 20k yung ipon ko. 

Life is shit, but the sunrise is always a great way to start your day.

 Also, peep my Doraemon shirt 

I have a new fav shirt now. Lol

I feel meh. Hope life is treating you well, stranger.

I am well-fed

Rainbow from this morning

Here's Bebu. Took her out for a quick walk this morning and bathed her. 

There is also this creep.

Your song.

Also your song. 

 

bakit ang dali lang para sa ibang magka love life? like parang makadama lang sila ng saglit na moment of weakness, di na nila kailangang maghanap? bakit sa akin wala at all lol i mean oks lang naman tbh, i think i'll just fuck it up if magkaroon man kaya ok lang na wala pero minsan gusto ko rin hahaha 

pinanood ko funny girl ni barbara steisand ba ang ganda ang gaganda ng mga movies niya actually. second streisand movie ko na to. pinanood ko na rin ang kakabakaba ka ba outdated na siya for me ahah korni na pero ampogi ni jay ilagan at grabe ang ganda ni sandy andolong at charo santos mas crush ko si sandy kasi ang girl next door niya si charo kasi parang crush ng bayan pa eh si christopher mukhang chickboy pero ang funny lang na in real life si christopher hubby niya haha

Am i destined for a life of solitude and sadness

Song  

 I've been so out of it lately. Sorry no song for you I've only been listening to SZA's ctrl deluxe ver.

So many thoughts again, but I'll just keep them to myself right now. 

Thanks for being here

Fucking hate cowards who can't speak their minds even when asked directly already. Eh di go ahead FO kung FO. 

Whatever I'm feeling now, I need to manage on my own. If anything happens to me, idk kung saan ko pwede iwanan aso ko. 

I have people I can ask, pero saka na lang pag desidido na ako. I wish I didn't reveal so much about myself to you sometimes, so that I wouldn't worry about you trying to stop me in case. But here we are... 

It's just that I don't feel like I'm still living a life anymore. 

I know everyone is busy living their own lives, but wow, I feel so alone. It's true. Even if I survived another attempt, therapy can't help me. I can already see how things will go if I went back. 

Alam mo, nakaka-sad konti na yung mga taong gusto mo sanang magkaroon ng pakialam sa'yo eh wala talagang pake. I'm sure they'd even be happy if I die. I took this attachment theory exam and there was a question about whether I agree that I worry if people don't care for me as much as I care for them and I disagreed because I don't need to worry about something I've already confirmed as the truth. I'm more hurt than worried. 

It does get better. I can vouch for that even with everything I feel right now, but the pain doesn't hurt any less. Some parts of your life do get better, growth DOES occur, but it hurts just the same.

I can name a list of the good things in my life.

Bebu's skin has improved.

The color of the walls in my room aren't as horrible as it used to be. 

I'm glad I have been able to feel as deeply as I do for Ryan.

I'm glad for the people in my life.

But I still want to die. 

When it strikes, it hurts just the same.

I guess I got sidetracked from the truth that my whole life is nothing but a time to accept my end. 

I wish to know about the cheapest options available for coffins, funerals, that way I don't burden anyone once I do die. Tbh, if pwede lang mag-Magnifico na lang and build mysf a coffin of plywood, I'd have no issue. Nothing matters anymore about a dead body. Heck, I've thought about what if a necrophiliac does something to me and it wouldn't matter anymore at this point. Wala nang halaga ang dangal para sa patay (this is just me).

Is Magnifico-ing a viable option? 

Okay, I've done some research. It's best I die in Calaca where my father can file for burial assistance sa munisipyo. Hopefully, my employer also reports my death so I can claim my funeral benefits from SSS. That's 40k max din, hopefully more. 

Coffins can be for 5k lang. Tbh, willing akong masali na lang sa mass burial. 

I just realized tho, when I do die, none of the people in my life now would be able to visit. Lol. Just goes to show how much people I really have in life. If I were to have a funeral, it would be with people whom I don't know very well. It's a lonely thought, but it is what it is. 

I guess I need to be super frugal. 

You know what's funny? I was starting to read again yesterday. 

 I was thinking kaninang umaga ba about how I only get 5 hours in a day for myself? Kasi in the 24 hours that a day has, 11 hours of it go to work—this would already include the commute and preparing beforehand. This leaves me with 13 hours, and 8 hours already go to sleeping (supposedly). I am left with just 5 hours, and what can you do with 5 hours? And if I did extra chores, then what I am left with?

Sometimes, I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day but deep down, I know my human body can only handle so much. And time is really all I can freely give. Other times, I wish time didn't exist, or that the day had less hours. 

Sabi nga, humans are walking contradictions. 

 I thought you were never coming back

char clingy yarn

Look at this fucking list

I wanna write, I wanna read again. I opened my epubs. I'm thinking of reading again, maybe before I watch Secret Sunshine. 

Do I see myself making a career out of it? Not so much. Do I still wanna make time for it? I wanna try to find the time for it at least.

A friend said I'm not any less deserving of love because of my past mistakes. I hope she's right. 

hehe

 natatawa ako kasi may twt acct ako na di ko na ginagamit tas hehe ang name ko dun, tas ganito email notifs ko kakacheck ko lang haha

*hehe

burnout is not a myth. i wish it were. :< sabi ni reyn iwasan ko raw yung ugali kong mag-self isolate, pero ang hirap. 

why do i hold the reins to my life? i wish my life was already written and all i need to do is live it nahihilo ako at the moment, i cant function

 The room is spinning.

What a delicate song. 

Cute song.  Lol

funny meme

I don't remember the last time I truly enjoyed a meal

 Song

 Your song. Love u

I miss you pala lol this doesn't end in death

I feel lost right now, but like someone said, feeling lost makes room for further growth. This is a time to redirect and steer myself to where or who I should be. 

I'm not at my best right now, but life is okay. 

 I saw a TikTok about blindness and now here I am practicing what's it like to be blind. 

song

 My dog wanted to lick me and I was singing her a song.

Our tongues ended up touching 🥲 PAIN

She's so adorable we've been sleeping together a lot lately. Here she is yesterday:

Here she is this morning:

As I was about to leave the house for work, it started to pour and so I went back to get a jacket, and I hurriedly grabbed yours. You know which one—the windbreak jacket I haven't returned? 

And so today was about you.

Also got a reading. 

Another reading:

Is it alright to long for love despite knowing you're not ready for a commitment? The confidence I had from earlier this year is gone.

Your song.

Also your song.

Will timing ever go my way? 

At ano nga ba ang konsepto ng personal space?

I was planning to get my booster shot today. I've been postponing it since the weekend, actually, but I feel like shit (like physical health-wise). I'm thinking it's because I binge-watcyed two kdrama series yesterday and slept at 3pm + this sleeping aid I've been taking.