Twitter hates me 🥹 it won't let me backread our conversations. Di ko rin matantya kasi minsan nakakalayo ako sa chat pero iba-iba kung saang part ako biglang ibabalik sa most recent message. Gusto ko lang namang mag-review para siguraduhing walang info na nakalagpas sa akin.

If I were to share these to somebody else, I'm dead certain they'd say I'm in deep, and I'm not, totoo! Like, okay. Tinatantya ko na yung travel time niya, di ko rin alam bakit eh magkausap naman kami the whole time during. Siguro para maging mas familiar ako in the same way I know he should be awake at 3am. I already know what you think and I don't agree. 

I'm considering na mag-reactivate ng Facebook or Messenger tho, ayan. Whether that's a good or bad sign, you tell me. TANGINA KASI ANG HIRAP MAGBACKREAD NAKAKAINIS. 

Wala lang. Skl. I'm weirded out too don't worry. Or maybe I'm trying to figure these out kasi I'm trying to integrate the person in my routine ok that's weird haha baka in denial ako pero u know what, no.

Ok sure na ako I'm not ~in deep~ (or at least not right now, maybe just not yet) kasi okay pa ako, accepting pa ako. Wala pang sakit factor unless siguro duru-duruin niya pagkatao ko yun na lang. Otherwise, it's all okay so far. 

Alam mo, if this doesn't work out for me, then either it's not really for me or I'm still in a slump I need to get out of. The reasoning for the former is that I have nothing else to share but the mundanity in my life, and if that's not enough, then nothing will ever be. If this pace doesn't work, and this is actually how I like it, then maybe I want the impossible, and that's okay. I'll just let pass all those moments of weakness that are to come.

My current favorite, I'm not heartbroken though, okay?

This too.

And this might be what falling in love sounds like. Ang whimsical lang.

Right now, I'm not overthinking as bad as yesterday, so that's progress.

We're meeting tomorrow. Bahala na. 

Ang calming ng Night Shift ni Lucy Dacus. Phoebe Bridges caught my attention first, but I think si Lucy Dacus ang makakasungkit ng puso ko. 

I know I rant a lot, but I think I'm actually happy, after all? I'm not saying this just because of this recent development in one aspect of my life. Siguro, if anything, it reminded me that life is okay, so that's nice. :)

Work just got me in a slump, but I'm slowly bouncing back. I can only hope for everyone's patience with me. 

 Nyellow.

Small stuff I find amusing:

- I'd usually just check horoscopes for cardinal & fixed signs (for myself cap & sco dominant only) pero pati mutable tinitignan ko na rin wahhahaha nge

- pakiramdam ko pa rin nasa hayskul ako minsan

- mas maaga na akong bumabangon

- mas functional na ako sa work

In all my overthinking, alam mo bang mas nagwater down na ako sa lagay na yan? Kasi if it were the old me, I'd be wondering why or if the other person is bored with me or not. Either I don't care na or he doesn't make me feel like he's bored of me.

Alam mo, dati parang gusto kong itanong lahat agad-agad. Di ko rin alam bakit ganyan, it's not like mare-retain ko rin lahat ng info. Pero ngayon mas chill pa ako wahahhahah like even if it doesn't seem like it, that's the truth hahaha

Baka mamayang umaga mag-overthink ulit ako. Nahahalata ko na pattern ko lol, but I'll get over it eventually. 

It seems like time is always a day late. 

 But the positive outweighs all these. If at some point I feel that I'm not really ready, I'll speak up. I should I owe it to them. And maybe that's whats needed para ma gauge ko na talaga if I'm a better person. 

 Song

Thoughts have been thunk. Alam mo natatakot lang ako kasi I don't have the best track record, aware naman ako. Ready na ba talaga akong sumabak sa ganito? Ayokong makasakit, walang may deserve nun. I've made a lot of mistakes seryoso.

This person seems decent and I've been in a better mood recently, I don't even feel so crappy about work earlier nga eh. It's nice how it doesn't feel like kailangan kong maghabol ng oras for a person, like in sync lang oras namin. Okay na rin. Hindi ako kating-kati kausapin yung tao. I mean, do I want to say more than what my fingers would allow me to type? Of course! Pero I feel like it can wait until we see each other this weekend. For context, I'm meeting that same person from a prev entry who asked me out. 

Obviously I've been overthinking. I'm not scared for myself kasi immune na ako but I don't wanna ruin anyone's life lang talaga. 

Alam mo, it may be my first time being asked out by someone I've never flirted with. I mean, oo, I've tried dating apps, but obviously andun naman talaga yung intent to date. I've had exes, sure, pero I gave them hints naman that I was into them. Pero this is a first na random lang. And I find the person interesting din! Di ko lang talaga naisip or akalaing may ganitong keme pala. THE WORST PART IS THE PERSON KNOWS MY TWITTER BEFORE HE ASKED ME SO ????????? WALA KA NANG KAWALA TE WALA KA NANG MAILILIHIM WAHAHA WAHUHU idk how to feel about that. Can't say I'm complaining though. The positive outweighs that.

Tsaka maybe it's better for someone to know about everything para no more walls, baka sakaling di ako ganon ka-distant or cold. Hopefully. Idk.

Di ko rin sure, like, kaya ko na ba talaga? Alam ko namang di ko kailangang maging fully made na tao before I can engage sa ganito, pero talaga ba? Wala akong personality, tina-try ko pa ring mag-ayos. Heck, di pa nga ako graduate eh lmaoooooo kailan kaya ako sisipagin mag-enrol. 

Pag tinanong ako kung anong hobbies ko, anong sasabihin ko? Doom scrolling? Interesting ba yon. I don't read hahahaha i get distracted easily when I watch a movie. I can't sit thru a series. I haven't watched any kdrama even. Hindi hobby ang pagiging miserable at kawalan ng direksyon sa buhay lol

Gulat lang ako din sa taong 'to kasi parang ang colorful ng buhay niya, parang ang well-rounded niya as a person ako bilugan lang physically lol ok fine I know I sound insecure. I'm not denying that I am. Sa ilang taon mong pagbasa dito, I'm sure you've gathered as much.

Feeling ko lang ang bland ko as a person. Siguro, I'm anxious (?) kasi the person wants to get to know me, expecting to find all these colors, maybe just as many as those I see in them, only to find I'm just a dull shade of whatever color I am. Idk idk idk haaaha

Nahihiya ako. Did I build myself up too much? 

Baka nasobrahan ako sa ere. I've been overcompensating lang kasi ang lala ng pagiging insecure ko dati, seryoso. Like siguro lahat ng di maganda sa buhay ko, mahahanapan ko ng dahilan para isisi sa sarili ko kahit na di ko naman kontrolado why it went wrong.

Alam mo yung affirmation? Ganon lang ginagawa ko. Baka naloko ko sila? Idkk.

Ang weird ~kiligin~ ulit. Labag sa loob kong aminin yan but there. Ang weird lang, parang hayskul. Aware akong this stuff is for everyone, hindi PG, hindi PG-13, SPG whatever pero ang foreign. Also the guy is a Gemini WAHAHAHAHHAHA pero hey Ive only been into astrology for kicks. And sometimes for validation bc it makes me feel understood. And I feel validated on all the rough stuff I've gone thru.

I know there's no way of knowing if I'm a better person in this regard other than taking the plunge, pero nakakatakot lang talaga. Di naman guinea pig yung tao na parang pag-e-experiment-an ko lang to see if I'm better. Alam kong even if I were a better person, I won't get it right 100% of the time, pero some mistakes are tolerable and some aren't. I don't want to make any mistakes that would scar a person. I really wanna be good and do good, pero tama ba 'to? He just asked if I was attached to anyone or anything, and as far as I'm aware, even right up till now, I'm not. I'm too detached na ni di ko kayang mag-hold onto hope, make plans, and work towards them. Did that make sense. It sounded better in my head.

The real question is, am I ready?

Alam ko kahit sa parenting you're never really ready, pero even so, you wouldn't want to raise a child knowing you have anger management problems di ba? In the same vein... Di ko alam paano iword. Ready na ba ako? I don't trust myself enough........... 

Grabe pag naglalatag ako ng solution para sa sarili ko my mind runs a mile and then some, coming up with more things to worry about wahahahhaha

A friend told me to tell this person about my worries kasi baka naman daw the person  wants to date and stuff AND THATS POSSIBLE?? BUT WHY would I share all these? AND THIS EARLY??? It's only been 3 days. WHAT IF WE AGREE PALA SA SATURDAY NA WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS EH DI THATS ENERGY WASTED FOR HIM PA AND INEXPOSE KO PA SARILI KO UNNECESSARILY WAHAHAHAHAHA alam kong I need to calm down and I'm ok sometimes. Ngayon hindi ulit.

Pero naisip ko tama yung boss ko narelate ko yung sinabi niya abt work dito sa buhay ko wahahha sabi niya I can't assume someone's decisions for them, I shd leave the decision to the people who call the shots. In this case, the the guy haha I was taking it so seriously kasi kasi sabi niya if we go out on Saturday it'll be his first date (ever!!!???? Di ba!!!! Ayan pa nakadagdag sa worry ko tho di naman siya mukhang lame at kulang sa social interaction or exposure sa babae wala namang incel vibe tbh if anything I vibe with the person kaya nga I follow him on twt even when he never rly followed me back immediately dati KAYA NGA NAGUGULAT AKONG HE KNOWS ME LIKE HUHHHHHHHHHH????????????)

KAlat na utak ko as always

Commercial break: si Bebu nag iinarte na naman not sure if she just threw up tocino from yesterday or if it was blood SHUTANG ASO TO :( IDK WHAT SHE WANTS I DO BUT ANG GASTOS BILHAN SIYA TABLE FOOD LAGI HA mas mura dog food pero ang arte grrrrr

I was supposed to visit AJ today pero parang nilamog utak ko pagkatapos ng shift ko.

Ok back to u overthinking Athena

Nagwoworry din ako onti like oks lang ba na I babble a lot about work eh the person can't relate naman talaga hahahaha I RLY DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY 🥹 DI BA PWEDENG MAGKAPITBAHAY NA LANG KAMI AND CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TAPOS SLOW BURN ROMANCE N LANG TE WALA AKONG HOBBIES SORRY NA LANG TALAGA

Tatapusin ko sana Cure ni Kurosawa kahapon kaso nagloko yung subs also di ko pwede sabihing hobby ko manood ng movie or baka pwede pero do I have the brains para mag analyze ng movie? Intindihin ang symbolisms? Wahahahhahaha willing ako makinig at mag absorb at maamaze pero yun na yun naantok na ako gnite sana makatulog ako bye

Addendum idk if uncomfortable or galit yung frenny ko who was staying over dito sa bahay kwarto whatever I'm tired sana hindi 

 Bitch someone asked me out 

 Ugly dream. Dreamt I lived in a house and with a family. It didn't feel like it was either of my parent's families/relatives. We were accused of being part of the NPA. A family friend was visiting, the mom caught wind of the news that the military was going to our house and wanted to leave, but her son, my friend, insisted on staying. And as we walked back home, just as we got past the door, with our backs turned against the street, my friend got shot. He walked a few steps more until he couldn't and we realized what had just occurred. I then woke up.

This was very different from yesterday's dream where Jhoanna and I flew to our client's office and worked in person with the onshore team and I saw the person whom i admire from there hahaha 

I have my place to myself for this weekend. Not so bad. 

sana when i die i get a chance to hear what the people who love me would say about me then. i don't care abt the ones who don't like me, i know im an acquired taste, but i know my crowd is out there somewhere. 

 TIL i can take the harshest words to ever exist but I rly dont like raised voices during arguments or when speaker is upset lost it at work I cried felt like crap while I played in this game at the office

R u ready

 la te night truths (bc I follow another country's time zone)

tbh Ive only been keeping to myself now (i know it doesn't seem like it but old me was worse) I've only been keeping to myself bc I guess im afraid that if I put myself out there I'd only find out no one rly cares. Like by putting myself out there I mean the simplest of things like sharing where I live and friend actually surprise u at home, sharing some personal deets and ppl actually caring enough to go out of their way and make it painfully obvious u r loved idk what I'm saying bye. I guess my way of coping is closing any opportunity to accept the goodness from most people (save for the ones I can tolerate at the moment) bc it's easier knowing that im not getting that much affection BC I chose not to. Bc Ive closed off any chances for anyone to even try and that I'll have to make do with whatever love I can afford for myself at the moment. Easier than leaving it open and letting it flow only to find that there isn't anything. You open your doors expecting an ocean to rush thru only to peek and find that the most there is for u is a puddle of water wahahahha random did that make sense if it didn't then it is what it is I'm supposed to be sleeping. As a result I still find it hard to accept love and I still find it hard to believe that people actually think nicely of me etc etc

I'm tired not sure if I wanna crie wanna die wanna get hit by a bus maybe I'll take more than my usual dose of melatonin maybe I'll finish the whole bottle

WHO CARES JK to the ppl. Who do I'm joking I won't do that hehe I'm tired tis all bye

Or is it farewell I feel like talking to myself right now I'm tired I need to let it all out give me this

I've been noticing I'm being loud again idk how to hold back I wish I could. I'm being too loud w jhoanna she's someone from work. Like I'm showing so much of my personality again

Broken brain

R u ok??? NO IM NOT there's nothing anyone can do I just need to make sense of things and of life and of myself and of how to go about shit

R U SAD? I cant even decide if I am maybe I am but do I have the luxury to sit down and process??? NO I ONLY HAVE RIGHT NOW CANT CRY ALONE CAN ONLY PANIC AT WORK WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELING SO MANIC AND WEIRD AND GAHHHHHB BRAIN PLs

Ma ybe I wanna finish the whole bottle who knows right Im so fucking tired I just wanna pass out 

Song

Hope ur ok

What's it like to plan a future with someone you want to spend the rest of ur life with? I know I've said some stuff here and there with exes, but I don't think I really meant them. A huge part of why I didn't mean them was bc I rly wasn't looking forward to the future. The idea sounds foreign. Like I don't rly expect to live. I could do without it.

But a friend shared how she's been making plans with her significant other and I'm genuinely curious what's it like to actually make concrete plans and mean them and start doing things to make it happen.

I'm not saying I need a partner so I can plan my future haha I'm just curious. I'm also feeling calmer now btw

I still have nothing for the future jsyk wahahaha no plans nothing concrete just going by the motions, have some goals here and there but no pressure to see them through. Whatever goes, don't mind if I still die any day now hahaha that's how I feel abt it

I wnt kill myself but eh hahahah idc 

The thought alone of striving to make things happen already sounds tiring to me wahaha

And draining and exhausting 

Idk

Im turning 25. 

There's a difference between dropping bits and pieces of info like where it's easier to get married or responding "lol what am i gonna do with this info"

& 

actually doing the dirty work. Saying stuff putting words out there and doing something about it

At my age I think I should be doing more of the latter

If it were me ha. If I were to find myself emotionally mentally financially capable enough to be in a relationship, at this age, I think I should do less of the former.

I think it's gross bc what are we doing, playhouse lol or idk bye just saying random stuff bye 

Naol brave mag assume where they'll be in the future. I don't want the disappointment anymore. 

 Today I learned (courtesy of my dog) that there are only two genders in the world—the humper and the humpee.

Mainstream but song!

And don't get it wrong lol just bc I'm here less doesn't mean it's any better. If anything I feel worse lolol but the weekend was ok I bought myself a lot of food. My package from Watsons also arrived. Today Bebu started eating her food again fucking finally di ba!

I still feel useless at work I don't see the point in what I do. Joke I SEE THE POINT I SEE THE VALUE I KNOW THE IMPORTANCE LIKE A GRADES SCHOOLER but do I feel any sense of accomplishment? No lol I feel like the weakest link and I'm always on the lookout if I'd still have a job the week after bc I don't feel like I'm being productive hahahahha I love the people I really appreciate my boss but I think I'm failing her. And it's not like I'm not giving my best everyday. I am. But it doesn't feel enough. I don't think I'm doing enough. 

I miss the times when I was productive and I knew it and I was so sure that I was and nobody could question it. I could defend myself to anyone and I knew what I was doing bc I was sure of the value and the quality of work I put out. Now I feel like crap wahahhahahaha I also didn't enrol or go to school like I was supposed to on Monday. I messaged the person I was going w on Sunday and never heard back. Decided to sleep at 9am Monday since the appt was supposed to be for 11am and I know I could've just gone alone but I couldn't bring myself to do it so I didn't mind the company. Anyway they messaged me at 10am lol so yeah I dont like that lol

 Anw next time I set an appointment I'm goin with or without this person

Call me a sad girl for all I care but I have nothing to live for anw today was productive I dropped off my laundry changed my sheets gave my dog a bath gnite 

 I'm still fine w the idea of getting run over by a truck but I'd prefer a painless death please thanks

Why is finding true love so hard haha I'm not looking for it but like why doesn't it happen for me I'm kidding I know why I don't deserve it I mean the person I am right now  would most likely just fuck up even the best person for me so yeah it's ok I don't think I can handle anything else aside from my dog so that's ok

Love means letting someone in my life and making them part of my routine I don't rly want that esp since I'm lazy HAHAHAH i mean what routine am I even talking abt for starters lmao and my I'm rly insecure abt my family background and I'm also still insecure abt myself wahahahha and no external reassurance can fix this so if u know me in real life don't bother. In case u care. I already appreciate the thought. But save ur breath. I hope I feel better. I hope I feel better about myself too.

La lang hirap lang kalaban sarili wahaha

I love my bed and browsing my phone so much I wonder if I'd ever find a reason again to do something aside from sleeping the entire weekend away bahaha. Can't believe I used to have a social life

How did my social battery go this low

Sometimes I wonder if it's right to isolate myself this much but to be fair even if I didn't do this i don't rly have a lot of available frjends so it's better to do nothing than anticipate brain rot brain fart brain fart I'm just saying randlm stuff not sure if any of theseare still making sense my eyes are swollen 

U know sometimes I think I might have ADHD wahahaha but ofc we don't self diagnose in this house I'm so thirsty

For someone who fucks up so often on a lot of things I REALIZED I MAY HAVE PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES LOL THATS WHY ID RATHER NOT TRY AND THEN FAIL THAN GIVE IT MY ALL AND STILL FAIL WAHAHAHA

 

Lies. I don't want to hang out with anyone right now tbh lol anyway... Cute ko lately

Song

I just want to give up.

I want to change my sheets give my dog a bath drop off my clothes at the laundry shop but I don't even want to exist anymore. Work was awful today. 

Song?
 

Song. 

 I feel dead :)