la te night truths (bc I follow another country's time zone)
tbh Ive only been keeping to myself now (i know it doesn't seem like it but old me was worse) I've only been keeping to myself bc I guess im afraid that if I put myself out there I'd only find out no one rly cares. Like by putting myself out there I mean the simplest of things like sharing where I live and friend actually surprise u at home, sharing some personal deets and ppl actually caring enough to go out of their way and make it painfully obvious u r loved idk what I'm saying bye. I guess my way of coping is closing any opportunity to accept the goodness from most people (save for the ones I can tolerate at the moment) bc it's easier knowing that im not getting that much affection BC I chose not to. Bc Ive closed off any chances for anyone to even try and that I'll have to make do with whatever love I can afford for myself at the moment. Easier than leaving it open and letting it flow only to find that there isn't anything. You open your doors expecting an ocean to rush thru only to peek and find that the most there is for u is a puddle of water wahahahha random did that make sense if it didn't then it is what it is I'm supposed to be sleeping. As a result I still find it hard to accept love and I still find it hard to believe that people actually think nicely of me etc etc
I'm tired not sure if I wanna crie wanna die wanna get hit by a bus maybe I'll take more than my usual dose of melatonin maybe I'll finish the whole bottle
WHO CARES JK to the ppl. Who do I'm joking I won't do that hehe I'm tired tis all bye
Or is it farewell I feel like talking to myself right now I'm tired I need to let it all out give me this
I've been noticing I'm being loud again idk how to hold back I wish I could. I'm being too loud w jhoanna she's someone from work. Like I'm showing so much of my personality again
Broken brain
R u ok??? NO IM NOT there's nothing anyone can do I just need to make sense of things and of life and of myself and of how to go about shit
R U SAD? I cant even decide if I am maybe I am but do I have the luxury to sit down and process??? NO I ONLY HAVE RIGHT NOW CANT CRY ALONE CAN ONLY PANIC AT WORK WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELING SO MANIC AND WEIRD AND GAHHHHHB BRAIN PLs
Ma ybe I wanna finish the whole bottle who knows right Im so fucking tired I just wanna pass out
Hope ur ok
What's it like to plan a future with someone you want to spend the rest of ur life with? I know I've said some stuff here and there with exes, but I don't think I really meant them. A huge part of why I didn't mean them was bc I rly wasn't looking forward to the future. The idea sounds foreign. Like I don't rly expect to live. I could do without it.
But a friend shared how she's been making plans with her significant other and I'm genuinely curious what's it like to actually make concrete plans and mean them and start doing things to make it happen.
I'm not saying I need a partner so I can plan my future haha I'm just curious. I'm also feeling calmer now btw
I still have nothing for the future jsyk wahahaha no plans nothing concrete just going by the motions, have some goals here and there but no pressure to see them through. Whatever goes, don't mind if I still die any day now hahaha that's how I feel abt it
I wnt kill myself but eh hahahah idc
The thought alone of striving to make things happen already sounds tiring to me wahaha
And draining and exhausting
Idk
Im turning 25.
There's a difference between dropping bits and pieces of info like where it's easier to get married or responding "lol what am i gonna do with this info"
&
actually doing the dirty work. Saying stuff putting words out there and doing something about it
At my age I think I should be doing more of the latter
If it were me ha. If I were to find myself emotionally mentally financially capable enough to be in a relationship, at this age, I think I should do less of the former.
I think it's gross bc what are we doing, playhouse lol or idk bye just saying random stuff bye
Naol brave mag assume where they'll be in the future. I don't want the disappointment anymore.