Iba sana gusto kong i-share sa'yo ngayon pero mas nananaig 'tong nararamdaman ko atm eh.

I feel ugly, like baka I'll never really be my SO's type. Alam ko namang di nakasalalay sa kanya self-esteem ko. I'll elaborate another day. I'm just so sleepy.

Song

 This old friend I share a birthday with told me to listen to this, and ngayon ko pa lang siya ever papakinggan, the true snob that I am.

Hindi ko alam bakit ganito kasakit at kabigat yung nararamdaman ko pero wala naman akong ka-close ng sobra para pagluksaan nang ganito. Iniisip ko lahat ng malalapit sa akin, paano pag namatay sila. Hindi ko alam. Iniisip ko yung mga di ko ka-close, paano kaya sila pag nalulungkot, anong ginagawa nila pag sila yung nakakaramdam ng ganitong kirot sa dibdib nia.

Di ko alam bakit may ganitong kirot sa dibdib ko. 

 Alam mo, something clicked when I said out loud that knowing and understanding doesn't automatically equate to feeling better about things.

Totoo palang hindi all the time na it would be better if you understand the why's and how's of things.

Naisip ko lang.

Ang annoying din na sa office natitrigger lang sipon ko. Sana rin palitan na nila upuan ko ng ganun din. Nagtatanggalan na piyesa eh. Kahapon washer natanggal, ngayon turnilyo ulit.

Tagal ko na pala sa Teamspan. If I didn't resign nung January last year, magli-limang taon na rin ako sa May.

Ano kayang mangyayari sa buhay ko? Sana makapag-loan na ako sa SSS. 

1

2

3

4

Natatawa akong natatawa sya dito. I'm thinking of surprising jowa with tix to smth we planned to do nung first date pa lang na naudlot. Wait ko lang sahod. 

Tenderness is all I've got.

It's always the negative emotions that tend to stick too well, yeah? Started feeling crappy when I felt like I messed up ordering food for the SO, then I started to just feel weird.

I know the things I know, but it doesn't shake off what I feel.

Maybe this is MY issue—I don't like being an inconvenience to people, I'm not comfortable with taking from people, I'm not comfortable with having people go out of their way for my sake, because my entire life, I've been made to feel like a failure.

They weren't even passive aggressive about it. I was called an underachiever by the aunt I respected so much, all while I thought I was doing well.

I was called and renamed Brenda (for brain damage) because I just suck at everything.

It was easier to feign ignorance because no one would expect anything from someone stupid. 

The first few times I'd ask to clarify because I didn't hear or didn't fully understand (but wanted to), I was mocked "huh?" "Ano po?" wc would've been harmless kasi it happens at work to this day bc bingi nga rin, but it was established that I was plain incompetent along with the mockery. It wasn't harmless teasing. 

My grandpa would throw stones at the restroom when I'd sing while I took a bath.

My uncle would monitor me more than a security guard would ever watch the CCTV monitors just to see what I was doing on my laptop. So I'd resort to writing in the dark. And then rewrite during the day to organize my drafts from the night before.

What a life.

That explains why I overthink everything. And why when I get started, I can't afford to fail. Or, I won't even get started at all.

Ingay ni kuya. Kung si Shopee yan, kill me.

I just want to pass out and get my motivation back. 

I wanted to share this pa naman bc this is my boss's boss:

Pero mas nangingibabaw na negative feeling ko eh.

 

In other news, I stumbled upon this—

I suppose love is in a glass of water,

in the folds of chicken breading, 

on "Lot for Lease" tarpaulins,

in the warmth of a hand, 

in boring bus rides,

in daily thank-you messages,

in random food deliveries, 

somewhere between the lines "thank goodness you're/you've..." and so on, 

quietly seated across you and the friend you're deep in conversation with, 

today alone in a room that could've been a cab ride away, suffering from poor internet connection. 

I'll be better. 

I want to pay no mind to it, but I really feel dead :( and parang magkakasakit ata ako.

Sana nagkaroon ng significant salary increase si jowa para problem solved na siya (-ish). Hello Brent, baka naman 😩

Miss ko na si Ana. Sana makapagstart na kami ni Jhoanna na mag Biking 101 😩

I feel so poor. Gusto ko nang sunabod. Gusto kong malunod sa unan. I need to catch up on the chores I've been delaying since the weekend. Sana magka-laptop na rin ako 😩

Lord ka pa nga. I'm so hungry. Sarap ng lumpiang shanghai na sinawsaw sa mayo. Pati tocino + mayo

Dapat makapagpamasahe na ako. 

ang busog q

Disclaimer lang na sabi ni jowa, jowa pa rin kami despite my kababuyan.

Second/first day ng period ko nung Sabado:

"Get used to it" — parang vibe is papaluin niya ako ng sinturon at itatali sa kama gamit necktie.

Tapos babasahan ng bible verse.

Charot lang, baby. Keme kala mo mababasa.

 

Kaninang umaga:

Oo, kilig pepe ko, korek. 

Kanta mo, oo!

Konting share pa:

At onting kwento pa:

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin if sinampulan ako ng jowa ko ng toyo niya. 🥹

Natouch ako dun sa "wag ka na maparanoid"

Pati sa pagsaway niya sa kawalan ko ng presence of mind during bus commutes, haha. Cute eh. 

And this? Luh siya. Hiya aq onti. Hihi. 

Natatawa ako sa mga pinagtatawanan namin. Natawa ako paggising ko nung weekend sa sinabi niya tungkol softdrinks. At dun sa Lots for Less. At dun kay Romeo J. Or Juliet R. ba yon HAHAHAHHAHA

Hay nako. Miss ko na ulit jowa ko. ☹️

I wish I could always hang out with my person. It's always so fun

 I've been meaning to update you on everything that's happened over the last few days.

Here's love:

Got a significant raise on my salary. Initially felt bad about it, but my work friend turns out to be just as qualified so 💖

Kyle and my boss apparently are both in the clear. Alright then, you two. Have fun, lovebirds.

Caught up with Airene for a BIT. Hopefully she and Matt can meet too one of these days.

Ana the friend from work FINALLY STOOD UP FOR HERSELF and will start working from home next week :)

Swung by my boyfriend's place. I wanted to just have a bit of chicken skin kaso puro big parts kasi and then this adorable idiot gave me chicken skin from his portion 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 again, if that's not love, then idk what is.

Traffic light en route to Matt :)

My first time taking this route in all my years of going on motor taxis:

I messed with my internet connection last Monday. Jowa was so worried and concerned on how to go about it. Man I feel so cared for. Also offered one of his phone #s as secondary contact since i don't get reception where I live. I have more thoughts on this and why kinilig ako but I think that's for myself na lang.

Naalala ko first date namin habang papunta ako sa kanila today and kinilig ako HAHAHAHA looking forward to more dates 

Natatakot ako minsang baka maging Russell part 2 'to, pero

1. No to self-fulfilling prophecies (thanks for the reminder Gianna)

2. Ibang-iba si Matt dun. He never talked shit about his former flames. There were women who did him dirty, and he shared those. Of course, you'd be frustrated. Pero never siyang nagmalinis and nakakabuntis ang sense of accountability niya (I'll just call him out if approaching doormatness na) 

And so despite my brain being my worst enemy, despite having gotten used to overthinking, and this unhealthy defense mechanism to think the worst of everything as if it softens the blow when shit hits the fan, it's easier to believe. Kasi what my mind is trying to convince me to believe and what Matt is actually doing are two different things.

I know I still have a lot of figuring out to do, but I'm sure I love this person. I want to grow with him and become a better person overall and be deserving of him.

Here's a slightly recent pic of Bebu

Song 1

Song 2

My mom would've loved Bebu, I thought. Which led to another thought—

That my mom would love animals more than me. Granted, animals are pure and innocent. But if she was made to grant life and death one each between me and any animal, it's uncontested how my being there wouldn't make things any challenging should she have to choose.

My SO has led me to confront a lot of things I've put on the back burner. He has encouraged me to message my mother so I can get my answer.

No answer is the answer.

It has been a painful process so far, but I've gotten used to this heavy feeling where you'd wish you could claw your heart out of your chest to make it stop. Only this time, I've found resolutions.

I'll take this as part of the process of putting my mind and heart at ease about everything I've carried my whole life. I'll cry until all I have left is a slight twinge in my heart, its sting no more than an ant bite.

I'll be the humble student whoever this teacher is.

I was watching a K-drama that's been lighthearted so far, until I got to the episode about mothers. Guess that was the trigger. 

My train of thought started with questioning if my fuck-up was that grave and horrible, and while some better choices truly could've been made, there was a cause and effect for my decisions. And I'm trying my best with the life I've led. 

I was always deemed weird by the people around me at school. I had friends, people cared for me. And then there were some that both cared and laughed at me (or my father, maybe). 

And even with the friends I had then, I didn't really feel like I completely belong. I knew they were genuine when they were. But they can only do so much. The childlike care they'd give sadly couldn't substitute for what I should be but weren't getting from my parents.

Apparently, I was decent with English and grammar. Plus, I was young. And I loved reading.. Naturally, and eventually, I grew an interest in writing. Wattpad was becoming this huge thing among high schoolers like myself. The only difference was that it was virtual, but it was just the same as the Precious Hearts Romance or Harlequin pocketbooks that middle-aged market vendors would swap and pass around on a lazy day at the store.

And I was welcomed into a community. 

And so I was sucked into a black hole, because it helped fill the void. Then my grades deteriorated. Then I deteriorated as a person. 

I guess for my mother, my array of failures started a montage of everything she had to go through ever since she was born and all the things she couldn't have or be due to circumstances, because of family, because of things she couldn't control and, finally, because of me — what then has she lived her life for?

This made me an easy target and punching bag for all her frustrations.

I have an inkling that maybe she loved me in the beginning. It's not so much of a shot in the dark, the idea. She cared for me as if I were fine china, and that I would break if she ever failed in something as minuscule as remembering to lock one bedroom door when all the windows and entry doors already are.  

I guess my mom thought she'd be coming home to her idealized version of me, that I was the same fine china she slaved her days away trying to keep its shine. Unfortunately, I was just a trigger. Going home, turns out, equaled to being pushed forward and held hostage at the front seat of a theater playing a tormenting montage she didn't buy tickets for. 

Maybe one of these days, it'll be easier for my heart. I'll have to make do with knowing love only through a handful of moments that I've hidden to the back of my mind along with the sad ones.

I trust the memories will come back to me slowly. The pain doesn't hurt any less with not clearly remembering everything because my heart knows the truth deep down. So if this was the case, then I might as well mourn for the lonely moments and warmly hold on to the happy ones instead of being sad for some unconscious reason and failing to be happy because of my rusty memory. 

I can't do anything about what I was deprived of back then, but I can take care of myself the way I see fit. I'm old enough to build a life for myself and I've understood a little bit more that I can hold out my hand if I need to be pulled in for comfort. Or to reward my heart a gentle embrace. Treat myself kindly. Pamper myself as needed. To let other willing people pamper me for as much as they want and take in the overflowing love from the people who care. 

May my remaining tomorrows be just as kind as this morning has been to me. I'm hopeful I'll get to that day when all these will be no more than wistful, bittersweet wishes I'll whisper to the afternoon breeze in secret. My heart will then feel as light as if I've become a cloud just like I've always wanted, and I'll have accepted that the sweetness will be worth all the bitterness. 

I'll be one with the wind and join in its calm and delight. 

Keme. 

bakit may 5 views yung last (warning: medyo PG)

I wish we had more parks around here. If I still lived in Alabang, maybe I'd have hung out pa sa Westgate or right by Filinvest Tent.

I'm not scared of this being jinxed. Today was magical and really just amazing.

As always, I'm just as in love with the jowa. Had to keep from staring at his sleeping face the entire morning kasi it do be a little creepy na, pero I really just adore him.

I don't necessarily miss him—we've been together for more than 24 hrs—pero I'm still not tired of sniffing him and kissing his cheeks and sniffing him some more.

And the fucking sex.

I've never enjoyed it this much with anyone else. I know I once said a friend I hooked up with some years back was the best I've had, because it was good and there was aftercare, and I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around his family the morning after, but our next encounter was horrible.

With SO, the bar never drops.

First time kong makaramdam na para akong nagva-vibrate, but it's not because of orgasms that's why I say the sex is amazing. 

I've never wanted to do it this much with anyone else too, and even with my previous SO partners, I never really cared about pleasing them. I always relied on the knowledge that I don't have to try so hard or at all even because they can just get it done and over with after a few humping.

I don't feel obligated to please him. I don't feel obligated to do it with him. I don't feel used afterwards. I'd love it even if he'd use me (ey, kinky) and would truly, truly do everything he wants with me. And I mean everything. I just want to please him. I want him to enjoy. The only thing that would stop me and has been stopping me is the frailty of the human body 🥹🥲🙃

(Nagpa-pic ako sa idle ko, pero busy talaga lagi pag artista kaya candid candid na lang)

(Pinilit pa talagang mag-pose kahit antok at pagod sa sobrang hectic ng sked, kaya di ako magsasawang suportahan itong idol ko eh!)

I mean, I've always known naman na, pero mas na-reinforce yung sinabi niyang we don't really have to go out to make memories. The mundane is fun with him. Playing useless games was fun, and brought out my competitiveness (-ish...). It was FUCKING fun making stupid puns out of Muntinlupa (and I'm proud of the one I made 😤) and mimicking memes and making our feet touch. And walking at night, making fun of how perfect it would've been for Valentine's weekend to window shop inside this adult toy store. Or make fun of how a hotel took over an old Sogo building, rebranded and all, BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON, retained the freaking familiar yellow and red exterior Sogo is infamous for.

How he never forgot to keep me on the safe side of the road. How he'd make faces and mock me for calling out this habit of his that I'm not sure if I can drop here for his privacy. And I like tracing every inch of his skin, even outside the context of sex. 

I really just adore this person.

And this is nothing new, but it's always fun to talk about anything with him. I'm never shy to admit when I really don't know shit about something. I don't feel like there's a mold I have to fill and conform to. Unlike the other people I've been with or could've been with, I never felt pressured like it's expected from people my age to understand certain things. I can just nonchalantly say idk, and I no longer feel less of a person like I used to.

And... I'm glad I had the chance to introduce him to a good friend I've known for years. The encounter made me just feel so alive. I love my work friends! But it's nice to have conversations outside of complaining about work. Bale complain about how the world works naman, lol! 

SO said he saw another side of me daw, and I really don't know if that was a good thing. Idk if he still thinks he'd mesh well with this other version of me he said he saw. This was very surprising to hear, really. I was surprised he said na hyper ko raw. Hahaha. Sabi ko na lang, I hope it counts for something na I let him witness that. Sabi niya oo naman daw.

Sabi ko na lang he can always say so in case overwhelming ako noon. I'm willing to make the type of adjustments naman where I won't lose myself. I just don't want to overwhelm him. I know I can be more than what people can usually handle.

If love is a lottery and a matter of picking your poison, then this is mine. Anything I may have ranted about in the past, may part to play din ako (and most probably even a larger part than I credit myself for - and I'm not gaslighting myself LMFAO) kaya nagkaroon ng ganung disconnect. I'd move hell and heaven if I could. Basically, I'm willing to put in the work needed. 

I feel like a person again.

And I don't mind that the day had to end. I respect that I have to go home and that my SO and I have to part ways. Gusto kong siya na hanggang dulo—as in, yes, that dulo (👰)—but I also respect na bago pa naman kung tutuusin relationship namin pero seryoso talaga ako rito. Invested ako, pero mindful ako at iingatan ko sarili ko enough not to drown then lose and harm myself which, in turn, also affects him. I want to be so good for him. May tiwala naman ako sa sarili ko.

Gianna (friend I met up with) also said this:

I love these compliments. 

I got this song from him. Hope you've had it good the last few days too, you. 

Thank you, God if You really do exist. Thank you. I'll take it from here, but you're free to push me if I should lose my way somewhere down the road. 

Naiiyak pa ring isiping I'm not as burdensome like I think I am. Kala ko hindi applicable sa akin yun dati. Pero ang lala pala.

I have 2 main goals. 

Natitiis niya na ako. He still hasn't replied. I know I'm being needy. I hate it. Someone in the right headspace would know he's at work, it's been very busy since December last year. He's already given me a heads-up just this morning that it'll be busy today too. He said he'll respond later.

But I'm feeling anxious and it won't take any of those. 

I hope he's just taking the time off he needs and we can get through this TOGETHER, and I place emphasis on the last word, yes. 

He's setting his boundaries, and that's good! I just hope it's not so much of a boundary that we'll have to end the relationship. 

I don't want to use this crap as a crutch. I just wish I were more mentally stable (if at all). The people who matter shouldn't have to be collateral damage for while I figure things out. It would be too much to ask for more patience from someone who barely has any left (and understandably so). It does get exhausting after a certain point, and I understand this. I just don't want to lose this person. I'm always willing to be better. I know I can be better. I will ask for it though if I have to, because I know I can make it worth his while. 

It just sunk in how I still haven't fully learned how to accept love from other people. I still don't like owing anyone anything. This makes my SO feel worthless, as if he's not doing enough, when I'm the one who won't let him. Apart from refusing his attempts, I wasn't clear about what I wanted. Mukha tuloy siyang walang ginagawa. Man. I really did him dirty. I just hope he still finds something redeemable about me. Idk. I don't want to beg, I think he also hates that, I'm feeling so anxious I threw up na kanina but I'll try to overcome that and give him the space he needs. I think I've said enough. I don't need to repeat myself. It'll only be annoying. This is scary. 

I thought I was learning tho, I was finally able to accept libre from friends, I didn't feel as horrible as the old(er) version of me would've, when Gina went all the way here to help me move out. I can admit to Airene and also Matt when I'm at a low and I need validation/compliments (they both delivered, the lucky girl that I am, fuck). So yay progress, right? I thought I knew better, but here I am in this situation, and I am taught that I still have a long way to go. 

To my credit tho, while the thought crossed my mind, I didn't mention breaking up, just that I wanted to know how to go about it.

I'll stop posting on Twitter and just reply to tweets at most. I also have to lessen doom scrolling as it does more harm than good for me and fuels my overthinking. The sad thoughts will also have to stop or be regulated at least.

I understand it's inevitable to change plans, what I did wrong was that I didn't assert if I want us to reschedule another day or what. For someone aggressive and assertive like me, it's so unproductive and ugly how I can't apply that to my personal life. I mean I did, but in the wrong manner (as in inasar jowa while trying to have a conversation). I should channel that energy properly.

I feel like throwing up again. Is this really it? We said we'd try long distance if it has to come to that, pero taob pala sa toyo ko. Not making it seem cute. I feel horrible, really. Hindi ako nagpi-pity party. But realizing I've hurt someone this much because of my unresolved personal issues sucks. I hate that I did that. I know I need therapy. It do be expensive tho. I'm also not as motivated to go after my last experience, but I'm open to the idea. 

Figuring out my life, healing from trauma, outgrowing my bad coping mechanisms, and everything along the same lines is/are a very tedious and long process.

If anything tho, I wish to be more like him as a person. He's so secure, hindi seloso. And some people may seem bothered, pero for someone as scatterbrained like I am, I appreciate when he can just lay things out. Tangina, ang labo ko talaga. Siya ang transparent niya na eh. Ako 'tong malabo. I swear, if he gives me another chance, I'll commit to this.

I don't want for this relationship to just be another lesson. No no no. I'm sure I want this in the long-term. Willing akong idaan sa usapan lahat. I guess I have to take into account din na his life hasn't been easy, he's dealt with enough horrible things din, and yet ganyan siya.

I know I can't fuck it up just because he's mature and stable anyway. I have to carry my own weight. I know Matt will accommodate if only I'd speak up. 

I wish to be the same for him so he can lean on me too. Kaya ko naman, I just royally fucked up today. 

I see a lot of potential bone apple tea posts and I can't even send it over :(

I'm not so much of a lost cause please. I have plans. I'll get to it. 

Kuntento naman daw siya sa amin. Ako rin naman. He's never not enough, it's that I can't get enough of him that I long for more. I don't think I'll run out of things to like about him. I could fall for the same thing over and over, but now I think maybe that's the good thing about why I'll never reach my limit. The world will try to take everything, but I will never run out. Which I lamented about around a week ago or so. 

I just didn't realize what exactly my problem was until today. I think this is the root cause of it all. 

I asked pa naman kasi I was planning what I was going to wear na sana, but I just didn't want to be excited tapos siya pala may ganung feelings. 

I brought this upon myself, kasi I insisted din na he tell me how he feels. Which I'm glad he did. He could've just sucker punched me. He has every right to reevaluate too. But it's only Thursday today. 

I can already see how horrible tomorrow will be. Friday will be a very long day. I will have no one but myself. I will be alone with these thoughts. 

I sort of miss Adi. I think she and Matt would get along. 

I don't know how things are gonna go from here, but okay, I'll make a list of the things I want to try so we can figure it out. If we are to move forward with the relationship.

My short, fat fingers are crossed. 

[Naghahanap ako ng gagawin, naglalagay na lang ako ng lyrics sa Genius ☹️]

I fucked up. Hehe. God kaw na bahala hehe 🙃 this hyper independence isn't an excuse hehe I can only hope for the best 🙃 I fucked up. Matt sorry pls 🙃 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 I'll do better 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 but of course ayokong mamilit kasi it only builds resentment 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 eto na last 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 willing dumayo kung sinusumpong ka lang kasi di magkasama 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 I'm 99.9% positive na sinumpong lang din ako for the very same reason 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 please 

Sana lumamig na ulo niya 🥹 pls sana usual away lang to im gonna throw up

I fucked up for real tho. I dont want to break promises, so I won't make one, pero if you just give me this, I'll make a conscious effort to do better. I'll really try. I want to be with this person. Pls. Ayoko na sa iba. Pero hindi ako mamimilit. 

I feel so antsy, but I deserve it tho. 

Not for you, but here's a song.

May I please throw up

In other news, I think I really like Radiohead's music. 

I feel so uncomfortable na ang sikip ng dibdib ko, parang may laman yung lalamunan ko pero imbes na umaakyat yung pagkain sa lalamunan ko, para akong nalulunod tapos nagbabara yung lalamunan ko. It was awful that I had to see stuff on top of how I've been feeling already. 

I'm sure Yani knows about the past. I have immense respect for her for being one of the nicest people around despite that. 

 I feel like shit. Lol. I don't think the SO is still as attracted to me like when we started. Maybe I was too tolerant; I just wanted to be understanding. I wish he'd be more intentional, but maybe this is it. I've kept saying yes I understand, but I think resentment is slowly building in my heart. Until when am I supposed to take it? I don't want to be the doormat. 

Hmm

I wish I could disintegrate and completely vanish as if I never existed at all. Maybe some people only want the yearning. 

I can't properly breathe. Sikip ng dibdib ko. 

 ako ay cute at tamad at tamad

I'm so attracted to SO sigh ugh

Thoughts have been thunk. But I want to keep it between me and the SO. Para cute.

In other news...

If you're going to be selfish in the name of self-care, then I implore that you might as well do it right and well. 

I've been thinking about going over my conversations with my last partner and reflect. 

[Update as of 4:38PM]

I'm so ashamed to put this on Twitter, especially after Karl, but being cheated on is traumatizing, 'no? 

Walang ni-respond si SO sa any of my brain fart kagabi. Or congratulations sa salary raise. I wonder if he really has plans to be more intentional about this relationship. Buti na rin I spoke with Andrea. 

I swear, after Matt, ayoko na. Whether I'll go off-grid ba, whatever, idk. Sana eto na. 

SO said he's stopping by this Saturday, but I feel so shitty I'm not sure if I have the energy to deal with another human being over the weekend. SO is different, of course. I love him without a doubt. Idk if his presence would do me any good while I'm feeling like this or have I gotten so used to being on my own that the idea of having someone on your side feels so foreign? Is it the same thing as bawling when he said he's also gonna call off work when I went on leave a day after my bday? Hmm. 

In other news, yes Ryan I'm proud of you. Im happy that good things are happening to my friends.

 I'm tired.

Naisip ko kanina it would be nice if SO could pay me a compliment that would actually count for something, but then, it's that he doesn't do it too often that gives weight to the times when he finally does. And don't start with me on how external validation is unnecessary when you have a solid sense of self, because nothing is making sense right now.

Or from anyone, really. And I don't want to hear anything about being strong, because it's not like there's anything exceptional about my strength you all oh so rave about. It's no different from everyone else trying to get through the day. Or about being smart or being pretty, with the mandatory add-on "just not by conventional standards" because I know what I'm not and that's the thing, I know too much about what I'm not. I'm not lazy when I compliment and try my hardest to personalize so it comes across to the receiver that it was solely intended for them. I deserve just as much. 

But idk. I'm just in need of some sort of upper, and of the healthy kind. 

I've been toying with a certain idea right now, but idk. [Update: Nope, I'm sure about this]

Here's the song I've been obsessed with recently. 

Have two more for good measure. 

And I'm back at it hahahaha