Natitiis niya na ako. He still hasn't replied. I know I'm being needy. I hate it. Someone in the right headspace would know he's at work, it's been very busy since December last year. He's already given me a heads-up just this morning that it'll be busy today too. He said he'll respond later.

But I'm feeling anxious and it won't take any of those. 

I hope he's just taking the time off he needs and we can get through this TOGETHER, and I place emphasis on the last word, yes. 

He's setting his boundaries, and that's good! I just hope it's not so much of a boundary that we'll have to end the relationship. 

I don't want to use this crap as a crutch. I just wish I were more mentally stable (if at all). The people who matter shouldn't have to be collateral damage for while I figure things out. It would be too much to ask for more patience from someone who barely has any left (and understandably so). It does get exhausting after a certain point, and I understand this. I just don't want to lose this person. I'm always willing to be better. I know I can be better. I will ask for it though if I have to, because I know I can make it worth his while. 

It just sunk in how I still haven't fully learned how to accept love from other people. I still don't like owing anyone anything. This makes my SO feel worthless, as if he's not doing enough, when I'm the one who won't let him. Apart from refusing his attempts, I wasn't clear about what I wanted. Mukha tuloy siyang walang ginagawa. Man. I really did him dirty. I just hope he still finds something redeemable about me. Idk. I don't want to beg, I think he also hates that, I'm feeling so anxious I threw up na kanina but I'll try to overcome that and give him the space he needs. I think I've said enough. I don't need to repeat myself. It'll only be annoying. This is scary. 

I thought I was learning tho, I was finally able to accept libre from friends, I didn't feel as horrible as the old(er) version of me would've, when Gina went all the way here to help me move out. I can admit to Airene and also Matt when I'm at a low and I need validation/compliments (they both delivered, the lucky girl that I am, fuck). So yay progress, right? I thought I knew better, but here I am in this situation, and I am taught that I still have a long way to go. 

To my credit tho, while the thought crossed my mind, I didn't mention breaking up, just that I wanted to know how to go about it.

I'll stop posting on Twitter and just reply to tweets at most. I also have to lessen doom scrolling as it does more harm than good for me and fuels my overthinking. The sad thoughts will also have to stop or be regulated at least.

I understand it's inevitable to change plans, what I did wrong was that I didn't assert if I want us to reschedule another day or what. For someone aggressive and assertive like me, it's so unproductive and ugly how I can't apply that to my personal life. I mean I did, but in the wrong manner (as in inasar jowa while trying to have a conversation). I should channel that energy properly.

I feel like throwing up again. Is this really it? We said we'd try long distance if it has to come to that, pero taob pala sa toyo ko. Not making it seem cute. I feel horrible, really. Hindi ako nagpi-pity party. But realizing I've hurt someone this much because of my unresolved personal issues sucks. I hate that I did that. I know I need therapy. It do be expensive tho. I'm also not as motivated to go after my last experience, but I'm open to the idea. 

Figuring out my life, healing from trauma, outgrowing my bad coping mechanisms, and everything along the same lines is/are a very tedious and long process.

If anything tho, I wish to be more like him as a person. He's so secure, hindi seloso. And some people may seem bothered, pero for someone as scatterbrained like I am, I appreciate when he can just lay things out. Tangina, ang labo ko talaga. Siya ang transparent niya na eh. Ako 'tong malabo. I swear, if he gives me another chance, I'll commit to this.

I don't want for this relationship to just be another lesson. No no no. I'm sure I want this in the long-term. Willing akong idaan sa usapan lahat. I guess I have to take into account din na his life hasn't been easy, he's dealt with enough horrible things din, and yet ganyan siya.

I know I can't fuck it up just because he's mature and stable anyway. I have to carry my own weight. I know Matt will accommodate if only I'd speak up. 

I wish to be the same for him so he can lean on me too. Kaya ko naman, I just royally fucked up today. 

I see a lot of potential bone apple tea posts and I can't even send it over :(

I'm not so much of a lost cause please. I have plans. I'll get to it. 

Kuntento naman daw siya sa amin. Ako rin naman. He's never not enough, it's that I can't get enough of him that I long for more. I don't think I'll run out of things to like about him. I could fall for the same thing over and over, but now I think maybe that's the good thing about why I'll never reach my limit. The world will try to take everything, but I will never run out. Which I lamented about around a week ago or so. 

I just didn't realize what exactly my problem was until today. I think this is the root cause of it all. 

I asked pa naman kasi I was planning what I was going to wear na sana, but I just didn't want to be excited tapos siya pala may ganung feelings. 

I brought this upon myself, kasi I insisted din na he tell me how he feels. Which I'm glad he did. He could've just sucker punched me. He has every right to reevaluate too. But it's only Thursday today. 

I can already see how horrible tomorrow will be. Friday will be a very long day. I will have no one but myself. I will be alone with these thoughts. 

I sort of miss Adi. I think she and Matt would get along. 

I don't know how things are gonna go from here, but okay, I'll make a list of the things I want to try so we can figure it out. If we are to move forward with the relationship.

My short, fat fingers are crossed. 

[Naghahanap ako ng gagawin, naglalagay na lang ako ng lyrics sa Genius ☹️]