What if magpa disconnect na lang ng internet.

 I feel so rotten inside.

 Ayokong magkaanak pero may breeding kink ata ako lmfao or baka alam ko na pero ayoko lang aminin. 

Matt is not my lifeline and I'm still my own person, but the days have been hard. I'm so glad for his existence. I don't necessarily believe in God, but if I did, I'd thank the Lord for Matt.

Now onto ranting:

Sad about work bc I'm not deep enough it seems. Not elaborating.

I feel ugly. Matt tried reassuring me, the sweetheart that he is. Tis a me problem though and completely out of his hands.

Sad about the usual. I don't feel motivated at work. Tis all.

I just want to keep this here. I love Matt so much.

I'm so sad. So, so sad. Nagbabasagan pa ng pinggan kapitbahay, di ko alam kung magiging concerned citizen ba ako or hayaan at normal lang ba yan.

I'm so, so, so sad. 

Sorry I haven't posted for like a month. I've been so out of it the entire time. I hope you're still around.

Idk. I just want to repeat this: I don't necessarily believe in God, but if I did, I'd thank the Lord for Matt. I truly feel this. 

I feel unbearably sad.

 I feel like utter shit physically, mentally, and all last week.

I have to say, kahit na masama pakiramdam ko talaga, I always feel anxious going to a doctor. Could it have any connection to when I was laughed at the first time I OD-ed? Maybe. But I always feel like no one ever believes me. 

Do I still have a job later? I hope so. 

I wish my brain would stop.

My current favorites.

Several insecurities and anxious thoughts have been eating me up lately and taking up more space in my head more than they should. 

I just question my place in the world. Plus, I'm tired and so fed up. I'm afraid I'm about to hit my limit.

My valentine got me these. Kakuntsaba nya pa mama nya. I can't. 🥺

 

I've been gone for a long while.

I'm back now. I'm also almost on my period.

I realized I'm living the kinder tomorrows I've pleaded for my whole life.

I've been going to the market a lot lately. Pineapple has been a huge part of my "diet" 😌 lol

I still feel like I won't live up to anything. 

I actually feel insecure with myself. I keep comparing myself with my other co-workers a lot lately.

I still don't see anything about my future.

I realized if I had to have a dream, I would want to become a journalist. I like the atmosphere and the stress, and the need to always be on the move. Life has been nothing but unstable, after all.

I also know it's too late for me now. 

I can't find the courage to finish my studies.

I've come to terms with a lot of things I've carried for years.

I'm not sure if I'm turning out well. I'm not sure exactly if I'm proud of this person I'm becoming, and I'm not sure who she is. I've had people say I'm okay, but I still find it hard to believe most days.

But I can't complain.

Sad song

My boyfriend and I are okay, but this song had me thinking if it reminds him of a past love, and he confirmed it did. I'm happy we can talk about it casually, like it's another chore he had to finish the other day. I think we're stronger and over this. 

On a bad day, I would've been spiraling by now. 

One good thing about today is I didn't fully realize how embedding Spotify tracks worked, in all my posting here for a few good years, until today. 

Andrea just touched down in New York, and I saw her in a video call with all our other bosses in the onshore office. 

I feel so lightheaded and sad. Mostly, sad. I'm sure it's because of my period. 

 Current fav

Tangina, kailan ba ako magkakaroon. Peke ba yung nagkaroon ako? Jusko.

Happy new year

I am happy. I cooked fishcake today. Hehe

From this

To this

I also like how it tastes. Funny din kasi may tumawag sa akin in public to ask saan ko nabili ecobag ko. Outfit check below #PalengkeFashionIcon #Korique

I got a new phone last Saturday too. Namaalam na phone ko for real nung kasal ni Andrea: 

Speaking of kasal ni Andrea:

BEST PRANK EVER NI ANDREA NA ILAGAY NA ONE HR EARLIER THAN THE ACTUAL EVENT YUNG SA INVITATION HAHAHAHAHA. Sabi nya pa, "Kilala ko kayo."

TRULY SHE DOES, HAHAHAHA! The day was so much fun 💖

Eto new phone ko na medyo nagsisisi ako. Ang pangit kasi ng camera.

Ang laki ng spacing ng apps and everything! Or baka naninibago lang ako. I miss my old phone.

First pic with the bebi 

First pic of the Bebu

Delayed period ko. Sana datnan na ako. I love fishcake so much, good night!

Iniisip ko, tama bang panghinayangan yung ang ending eh nagcheat naman sa akin? Hindi sa mahal ko pa ex ko at all, pero napapaisip lang ako minsan kung karma ko ba 'to kasi di ko pinahalagahan nung sobrang mahal nya pa ako kaya ngayong may talagang mahal na ako, ako naman yung parang lukewarm lang na mahal. 

Anyway, that was posted at 10:20 PM, which was about an hour ago already as of writing.

I had this insightful conversation with Matt:

And he did humor me, but I'll keep it to myself na lang :)

I guess, I need to find my way back to feeling safe and trusting him and in his love. This is on me naman. Matt's been a sweetheart. I'll manage.

Nag-release si Matt Martian ng bagong album. I'm not vibing with it, not sure if not yet or maybe not ever.

My January favs.

Today is a sad day. I feel like I'm losing Matt by the day. I'm tired. My absence doesn't seem like a big deal. Maybe I need to ready myself for the inevitable. 

My current favorites:

Sugar Island - Jesse Gold

Flow State - Casper Sage

Steps - Isaac Zale, Mick Jenkins