I may have just had a Eureka moment after watching a movie analysis on Whiplash lol so maybe my tendency to get drawn towards intimidating people and to find their soft spot is not me looking for a challenge but me wanting the approval of a familiar figure, since a lot of my relationships (family) have been like that—founded on abuse hahahahha I turn to a person im rly scared of/intimidated by, sort of place them on a pedestal and try to gain their approval HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK

Not sure if that made sense. Hope it did. Funny lang. Hahahahahahah I can't believe it hahahahahha

How do I get over this hahahahahhaha

Anw don't get me wrong I can still discern between the right and wrong amount of pressure and stress so there ahha but

OOTDs for the past few days bc u're special to me so u get exclusive updates, i got u b.

Details? I don't have a lot. Ah, had a friend crash in my place for the meantime. She's been staying with me for close to a week now. It's all cool so far.

I'm tired. Been doing terribly at work. I'd have a song for u if only I weren't tired and drained as fuck sori

Started playing Wordscapes again.

Take care :)

 Ok I have songs for u

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Shouldn't I be dreaming your dreams with you by now? I thought the world of you.

Time heals all wounds, just not as quick as I hoped it would. 

 I hate wearing bras but with nipple tapes it's always a will-it-fall-off-or-stay-on game. Tired.

I reactivated my Facebook but man I felt even more let down after scrolling for a few mins. I rly hate the platform. 

 I lost 8 kgs!!!!!!!!!!! YEHEY normal na BMI ko pero goal ko mag 45 kg talaga skl haaaha thank u diet pills lmao

I sort of made something over the weekend but idk how to go about it or what story I want to tell exactly so I'll just dump it here until further notice lol

Song

 

Ganda talaga ng putang inang kanta 'to. 

 I feel like shit. Didn't realize until after na 3 hrs na pala ako nakatunganga. I don't feel real. Sorry no songi

I feel numb floaty kinda thinking of killing myself too but I'm doing my best to be reasonable. Wala pa akong panglibing di pa pwede. Boy do I wanna die tho.

I don't hate anything or anyone, maybe just myself. I'm just tired and so fed up of everything :)

I hope your side of the planet is treating you well at least despite the shitfest that the world has been lately. 

It feels pointless to tell friends about how I feel. I feel so disconnected already. I take a look at the list of friends I have, and I can't find anyone I'd want to reach out to. Idk why. It's not that I don't trust them, it's that... idk.

I know that I am loved. I know my friends love me. But I can't find it in me to tell them this kind of things anymore. I don't want to waste their time. I feel like a burden. 

Can the world be a little bit gentler? Can the days be a little bit kinder? Can my brain be a little nicer??

I've always hoped for the kinder tomorrows that a friend once said would come my way eventually, and here they are now, but is this really the kindest they'll ever be?

Why does it still hurt so much? 

One reading I got last time called out how I ave this unproductive tendency to isolate from people, and it was just recently that I've stopped being in denial that I have been, indeed, putting myself in this self-imposed isolation. 

I want to break out of it, you know? It's just that it feels like there is no world to welcome me back. 

And this frustrates me which only makes me want to isolate even more and disconnect from the already few people that I still have left on my side idk haha 

So eto 9 na, 4 hrs kulang-kulang na ako nagmumunimuni :) wan ko

I wish I could afford therapy right now. 

Trying my hardest to keep from bleaching and dyeing my hair 

I still ended up finding a song for you anyway lol ilang oras ka ba naman tumunganga 

Here. 

 I was supposed to start my vocal lessons this weekend but I ditched it bc honestly? I don't feel ready. Also, Bebu and I have been snuggling the whole weekend. I've only been sleeping na nagka-shoulder cramps ako for a good amount of time today 🤣 

I got up at 8pm today to buy food instead of ordering sa Grab. Tipid times needed, tapos bumili ako ng kaldereta sa closest karinderya na bukas pa at this hour PERO PUTANGINA KALDERETA DAW PERO LASANG AFRITADA??? ANG LUNGKOT NAMAN NUN????

I'm supposed to reapply for my UMID tomorrow pero as always tinatamad ako lol

Hindi na ako alien btw haha

Grabe hangover ko sa Mulholland Drive hindi ako makapanood ng anything else kahit kdrama haha

May Twitter mutual ako na kabute tapos biglang bumalik kahapon at nag-announce na kaya pala siya ganon ay dahil, *drumroll*, buntis pala siya all along. And that's after niya mag-Yuzpe method which is also all I did after my last sexual intercourse. Natakot ako bigla para sa sarili ko, pero nagpapasalamat na rin ako dahil ang swerte ko. Pero hindi nga ako laging suswertehin. Kaya never again na. Safe sex na lang talaga.

Dami ko planong gawin today. Sana makiayon ang panahon at sana nga ay hindi na ako tamarin lol

 Song