May share ako. Hindi pa naman ako super desidido. Iniisip ko sigurong makipag-usap this weekend.

Ngayong nag-iisip ako, like wala namang point in keeping this up. Nung una, okay lang sa akin kasi di kami mayaman so fine. Ngayong nakaluwag kami, ang dami pa ring dahilan. Yung iba nga, nakakalabas naman kahit walang pera.

Nauumay ako sa routine namin.

And hindi din naman 'to para sabihing mali siya. Ganun lang talaga siya as a person, and ganito lang din talaga ako.

Nagkikita kami, pero ano ba yung tumunganga lang kami sa may seaside ba. Feeling ko kasi pag nagkikita kami, hindi nga kami ma-cellphone pero laging media consumption? Where are the conversations? Hindi ko nararamdamang lumalawak pag-iisip ko. Parang wala na siyang nacocontribute sa akin as a person, not that anyone needs to. Pero parang this life isn't serving me, alam mo yun?

I know you can never know someone completely pero I don't feel like we're getting to know each other anymore.

Siguro may problema din ako kasi di pa ako solid as a person, siguro kasi nagbago din naman ako. Pero I want to feel seen and I don't feel like he does.

And medyo TMI to, pero nagka dry spell kasi kami and we broke that streak recently, but I felt numb throughout and obviously didn't enjoy it. Para lang akong uminom ng tubig, mas enjoyable pa nga atang uminom ng tubig.

Willing naman sana ako to let this pass, if phase nga lang talaga 'to, pero I don't see us getting out of this. It'll come and go, then come up again. 

Napapaisip ako kasi napapagiliran ako ng yappers (Ron, kawork onshore, at ng jowa ko) 

Parang nawawala na yung pagkatao ko, parang nagshishrink na talaga ako lalo na kay Matt. Parang laging gusto niya nagdidikta sa buhay ko. 

• ‌can't get a dog
• can't watch movies I like‌ kasi laging gusto nya
• can't go out kasi ayaw niya
• low maintenance na jowa

kaya minsan talaga di na ako motivated ibigay mga gusto nya. naeexcite ako dati pero ngayon di na. I'm not excited to do it even for the selfish reason of getting something in return. yes, i know i should be discussing this with him which i already did yung iba and didn't really get anywhere and nag aaway lang kami and ako yung nagmumukhang kontrabida for wanting kasi he's gonna be him, and im gonna be me. 

Naasar ako dun sa sinabi niyang iniisip nya daw isurprise ako kaso di daw sya sure kung magugustuhan ko LOL sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa na okay lang naman sa akin pero I think sinasabi nya lang yun para palusot na he thought about it pero he's treading carefully. And sapat na yung naisip nya yun kasi it's the thought that counts. Lagi siyang magsasabing mag unwind kami, and gets kong di naman para lagi kaming lumabas diba pero taena patay na utak at kaluluwa ko sa trabaho ko and I really want new experiences with him pero di mangyari.

Mahal ko naman yung tao pero pakiramdam ko talaga, mas lalong namamatay ako as a person.

Anong interest ko? Anong hobbies ko? Do people still perceive me as a person? Kasi I don't anymore.

It was so much better when I was sad. And I say this kasi dati may ginagawa pa ako. I don't dismiss the possibility that I'm romanticizing those times din.

Whatever this is is just as awful. Every phase of my life is too much of the same thing, I guess, that's why it's unbearable.

I have to live my life and not lose sight of who I am. Matt's gonna live his life, while I'm not living mine.

True Story

The dream wasn't even anything special, it was just about me coming in late for work.

Two of my managers are already seated on one side of the conference table. 

While I take my place on the opposite side, I catch Paolo do a double take, hurriedly stealing glances of me and then his watch, as if to make sure his eyes aren't lying, that I really have just gotten in. 

Jhoanna is none the wiser. Yet. All her attention is on her computer screen and she types away.

I don't catch the whole thing, but I hear Paolo say something along the lines of, "Late ba talaga yan during this very critical period?" Naturally, this steals away Jhoanna from whatever she's doing and she finally looks at me.

"Oo, kasi di ko naman talaga deserve 'yung mga ganun," I respond in her stead.

She scoffs and says something I can't recall anymore.

Paolo asks something I've heard one too many times, in many shapes and forms: "Is there no other excuse?"

It is my turn to focus on my screen. I frantically check for timestamps of my recent chats or if I sent any emails while I was talking about work with the other folks before logging in. "Give me a sec, I'm going over Teams to look for timestamps."

I follow up with, apparently, a silly question. "Can't I use my timestamps from 5pm?"

"Does she know that's [some made-up term in my dream that really means I disobeyed the rules again]?" Paolo says as he turns to Jhoanna with an incredulous look on his face.

I think they said some more stuff but I can't really remember what they are right now. I was trying to write everything properly before I got to this point in my dream. The day already feels jarring. I'm being made to face my self-destructive tendencies. Lol.

Their gazes from earlier still burn through my skin, as if I had been cut open and they are peering through my insides and yet I'm finding that not being looked at burns even more so.

My very real and very loud alarm clock rings. I stop for maybe less than a second to decide whether I should leave or stay. Time is not real in my dream.

But it is 6:58 pm, and work isn't until 9.

 I feel resentment towards my boss. I'm very sad these days.

Eto na lang nagpasaya sa akin.

May iniisip ako for March next year.