I don't feel like I exist. I feel like I am too big for the life I have and I don't like who I am or the life I live.

 The entire way to work feels like a walk or shame, but I power through taking every next step. Today is another one of those when I don't feel that I exist or shouldn't, at least.

I feel like whoever I was supposed to be is bigger than this life I'm contained in. I just don't like who I am. I hate myself so much. I really hate myself. I fucking hate myself. 

Is it a backhanded compliment when someone tells you to try something new because there are others who made it with far less qualifications?

I may be wrong but it reminds me of when my aunt called me an underachiever and I took it to mean that I was being called some type of achiever until I understood the word, which just proved her point. 

Right now, it feels to me like I'm being told to try, not in an encouraging way, but without any concern at all because it doesn't matter what I do and because, "people who are less qualified do and win anyway."

 Proof of life yehey