Napapaisip ako kasi napapagiliran ako ng yappers (Ron, kawork onshore, at ng jowa ko) 

Parang nawawala na yung pagkatao ko, parang nagshishrink na talaga ako lalo na kay Matt. Parang laging gusto niya nagdidikta sa buhay ko. 

• ‌can't get a dog
• can't watch movies I like‌ kasi laging gusto nya
• can't go out kasi ayaw niya
• low maintenance na jowa

kaya minsan talaga di na ako motivated ibigay mga gusto nya. naeexcite ako dati pero ngayon di na. I'm not excited to do it even for the selfish reason of getting something in return. yes, i know i should be discussing this with him which i already did yung iba and didn't really get anywhere and nag aaway lang kami and ako yung nagmumukhang kontrabida for wanting kasi he's gonna be him, and im gonna be me. 

Naasar ako dun sa sinabi niyang iniisip nya daw isurprise ako kaso di daw sya sure kung magugustuhan ko LOL sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa na okay lang naman sa akin pero I think sinasabi nya lang yun para palusot na he thought about it pero he's treading carefully. And sapat na yung naisip nya yun kasi it's the thought that counts. Lagi siyang magsasabing mag unwind kami, and gets kong di naman para lagi kaming lumabas diba pero taena patay na utak at kaluluwa ko sa trabaho ko and I really want new experiences with him pero di mangyari.

Mahal ko naman yung tao pero pakiramdam ko talaga, mas lalong namamatay ako as a person.

Anong interest ko? Anong hobbies ko? Do people still perceive me as a person? Kasi I don't anymore.

It was so much better when I was sad. And I say this kasi dati may ginagawa pa ako. I don't dismiss the possibility that I'm romanticizing those times din.

Whatever this is is just as awful. Every phase of my life is too much of the same thing, I guess, that's why it's unbearable.

I have to live my life and not lose sight of who I am. Matt's gonna live his life, while I'm not living mine.

True Story

The dream wasn't even anything special, it was just about me coming in late for work.

Two of my managers are already seated on one side of the conference table. 

While I take my place on the opposite side, I catch Paolo do a double take, hurriedly stealing glances of me and then his watch, as if to make sure his eyes aren't lying, that I really have just gotten in. 

Jhoanna is none the wiser. Yet. All her attention is on her computer screen and she types away.

I don't catch the whole thing, but I hear Paolo say something along the lines of, "Late ba talaga yan during this very critical period?" Naturally, this steals away Jhoanna from whatever she's doing and she finally looks at me.

"Oo, kasi di ko naman talaga deserve 'yung mga ganun," I respond in her stead.

She scoffs and says something I can't recall anymore.

Paolo asks something I've heard one too many times, in many shapes and forms: "Is there no other excuse?"

It is my turn to focus on my screen. I frantically check for timestamps of my recent chats or if I sent any emails while I was talking about work with the other folks before logging in. "Give me a sec, I'm going over Teams to look for timestamps."

I follow up with, apparently, a silly question. "Can't I use my timestamps from 5pm?"

"Does she know that's [some made-up term in my dream that really means I disobeyed the rules again]?" Paolo says as he turns to Jhoanna with an incredulous look on his face.

I think they said some more stuff but I can't really remember what they are right now. I was trying to write everything properly before I got to this point in my dream. The day already feels jarring. I'm being made to face my self-destructive tendencies. Lol.

Their gazes from earlier still burn through my skin, as if I had been cut open and they are peering through my insides and yet I'm finding that not being looked at burns even more so.

My very real and very loud alarm clock rings. I stop for maybe less than a second to decide whether I should leave or stay. Time is not real in my dream.

But it is 6:58 pm, and work isn't until 9.

 I feel resentment towards my boss. I'm very sad these days.

Eto na lang nagpasaya sa akin.

May iniisip ako for March next year.

• Nakabili ng relo
• Nakabili ng kwintas
• Nagpa-adjust ng salamin
• Nag enjoy sa quesadilla
• Nanood movie
• Nakabili batteries ng camera
• Napagana camera!!

Grabe so productive