It just clicked – my Saturn return is kicking off.
Tuesday, October 13, 2026
Stumbled upon this on Threads which made me realize it'll take a while before I open up again the way I did with Matt 🤣 Highly doubtful I'll be dating around next year
I wish I could sell myself like that. I just don't find myself attractive. Am very happy for them. I've had my time, had a good four-year run. Oks na siguro yun. For now. As for when I feel the need to be totnak-ed, it shall pass. 🤷 It's not like it was ever frequent when I was committed, so I'm sure I'll live.
Napapaisip ako how I survived the last time I was single.
Seeing older women thrive brings me so much hope and makes me believe I have a chance at a better life.
Friday, October 9, 2026
Yesterday marks the first day I haven't begged you for anything. I was also too busy at work, anyway.
Song on repeat today: 4 Seasons of Loneliness - Boyz II Men
Dami ko readers nung nakaraan, ha. I wonder who you all are. Well, thanks for wasting your time on this tiny, irrelevant space on the internet.
There's someone in the office whom I've dreamt of twice na. Ok fine, si crush yun.
First dream, I was seated on the floor in front of the lockers habang siya galit na nagro-roll call. Don't ask me why he's pissed, idk either. Mukha naman siyang nonchalant/chill in real life. (Yup, ya girl has a thing for emotionally unavailable-looking men it's already a kink at this point).
Second dream, which was last night, I dreamt kung anong ginagawa niya sa suite nila when he's not in my line of sight. Like, kung paano siya mag-work, ganun. In my dream, parang quality analyst siya and taga-point out ng discrepancies. Bagay kami CHARIZ.
I've been seeing him more frequently in real life, too, and I'm not sure if it's the universe humoring me for the moment out of sympathy or if it's because I've finally allowed myself to take notice.
I'm not sure what to make of this, I've decided and am trying to de-center men from my life pa naman. I'm pushing myself to think na ang daming babaeng mas kapansin-pansin before me kaya I shouldn't even be delusional about it. Kay Alex pa lang, stop the car na LOL.
I'll admit, medyo nagpapapansin ako nung simula pero as of last night, ayoko na. Cringe ko eh. Being loud is not cute, Athena, okay? 🤮 I haven't told anyone about this and I also don't think I'm going to. Nakakahiyang magkagusto sa kanya kasi he's out of my league.
Also naalala ko ha, he almost gave me a heart attack nung una ko siyang nakita EVER kasi PUTANGINA AKALA KO SIYA YUNG DATI KONG NAKA-HOOKUP NA NAG-END IN BAD TERMS. MY GOD.
In other news, birthday ng mama ko today. Natatawa talaga ko dito kasi it's giving Jak Roberto unsint a message. Iniisip ko kung babatiin ko ba.
Also funny exchange haha
Feeling validated by my boss's laugh reaction haha
Anyway, just to make things clear, hindi ako namomroblema. I'm just writing out my thoughts.
Tangina, naalala ko lang. Handwriting nya pala naka-tattoo sa akin. Medyo blard na PERO IT'S THE FACT THAT I KNOW IT'S HIS. ANTANGA KO SO MUCH.
Nung bago
Present time
SIGE ATE KO
Alam mo grabe no, kung isipin mo, the fact na eto lang tattoo ko na pumangit nang malala... If I'm being superstitious, parang sign na sinusuka ng katawan ko 🤣 Pero ang daya lang kasi I got that tattoo during a very peaceful time in my life plus I was in love but didn't want to be tacky and tattoo his name or anything super obvious kaya handwriting na lang HAHA
Thursday, October 8, 2026
Matt, I fucking miss you. Also realized na I'm so alone na wala na akong emergency contact.
Ang intrusive thought ko for today is i-gargle ang toilet water – don't ask where they're coming from bc idk either. I didn't do it obviously but nasisiraan na ata ko ng bait.
I don't want to be alone but I am isolated.
Sabi ni Matt, I have people from work – wala talaga. It all ends after 5am.
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