Hello,

I want to be the type of person who would just lay everything bare. I was a firm believer of accepting and letting my emotions flow. I'm still like that on most of days, but today I realized that I've changed. Now if this is good or bad, I don't know yet. Is this maturity—putting your emotions on hold because of, say, work? I still can't really say I'm doing well with managing myself because I'm currently ignoring my thesis groupmates. I don't want to do this anymore. I realized I've wasted 4 years of my life. I think the program is fun, but for someone who genuinely wants to learn, this is not the correct avenue to do so. There are limited opportunities to learn here. I want to study again.

This Big Sad™ session also made me realize I'm okay with living alone, but I'm also scared because what if moving in with someone is something I need and I'm just pushing the idea aside because it's something I haven't tried yet?

I honestly don't know. 

I've been talking to ng to a friend and I also realized (sidenote: hehe, I'm learning about myself ano?) Anyway, I realized that I've always been committed in my past relationships. They just never worked out because that's just life. All the times I was in a relationship–after high school, that is—I was serious with all of them enough to envision a future with them. I also realized that although it may be too young for me to assume this, maybe romantic love isn't for me, which is a little sad because I know want to love and be loved despite everything.

But I wonder if I'm not worthy of love. I know I am, but why does no one like me. Lol. 

People used to say I'd probably be a singer when I was younger. People say I could be a writer and that I'd do well. People say I could be in broadcasting, that it suits me well. What the fuck happened? What the fuck have I become? Why am I this talentless person now? I feel like a waste of space. 

I'm drinking right now. I have no qualms with doing overtime work, to be honest. It's just that I feel like shit. Ang ambag ni Jules sa buhay ko ay ang stock ko ng alak. Salamat. 

My work is asking for a medical certificate and a diagnosis for this mental health thing. I know I've always wanted to inquire about being diagnosed so that I could give this shitshow I constantly deal with a name, because I feel like there really is something wrong. But I don't know how to ask for it. It feels too early, too. I don't want to look like I'm asking to be diagnosed, that I'm begging for something to be wrong with me. Although I feel like there is. But I'm not the expert. Lol.

My clothes are a mess again, and I don't feel like existing. My weekends are always like this. I feel like shit. 

Why do I still beg for love and affection like a stray puppy? It's grossing me out, but it is what it is.

I don't care if I end up bartending or living in a rundown apartment of some sort, I never aimed to be rich. I just want to be at peace with myself and find my place in this world.

Maybe what makes me unworthy of love is that alagain ako. Like right now. I don't want to hookup anymore, but it's the closest to love I'll ever get (aside from platonic love, which I have an abundance of). So why is that not enough? Why nga ba. Lol.

Even P**** is having a baby. Sigh. 

I don't know where I'm headed in therapy. Maybe I'm really okay. Idk. Am I already okay or still fucked up and just used to the fuckery? 

 Hello, magaling na ako from my sipon. Rhinitis nga lang siguro 'yon. Naisip ko madalas, gusto kong magpa-diagnose kasi I guess it would be nice to have something concrete to hold on to, to have a name for when I feel like shit, pero nahihiya pa akong magtanong sa therapist ko paano magpa-diagnose.

He told me to keep journalling and that I should practice organizing my rants in such a way na I'd be able to identify the trigger, immediate reaction, etc. Tinatamad pa akong simulan. Lol.

Siguro, counted itong today. I saw this tweet about Eurydice and Orpheus, and it started this nice conversation between me and a very good friend.

Link to tweet here

I want to ask you din, reader, how would you have dealt with the situation had you been in Orpheus' shoes? But of course, you're not going to answer. I hope you will though, I'm genuinely curious. 

So, I guess lumalabas din character ko. I'm not sure if maganda ba yung decision ko. If we know each other irl, sana friends pa rin tayo kahit na medyo bobo ako. Hahaha. I don't know if anything I said on the screencaps made sense. 

It's nice to talk about things like this. When I talk with friends it's always about how work has been, how we're feeling, etc. 

Friends are nice.

While I'm not giddy about life, it's not so bad right now. I haven't cleaned up my room yet, and I also haven't settled on a decision yet if I should move in with a friend or not. I hope I make up my mind soon. 

Nawalan ako panlasa kanina, pero may nalasahan din ako after a little while. I know I should already report this to my supervisor pero parang nakakatakot maging unpaid for 14 days :)) Ang sama rin ng pakiramdam ko. Feeling ko naman hindi ito COVID, parang gawa 'to ng sipon ko kasi na-expose ako sa init nung sinamahan ko yung ka-work ko na maghanap ng malilipatan, tapos nag-aircon kami sa kanila afterwards.

Ang lala ng sipon ko, nakakainis. Hindi pa ako nilalagnat, masama lang pakiramdam ko gawa nga nung sipon. 

 Iyak ako sa All My Stars Aligned ni St. Vincent ih.

Hirap namang magfunction. I also can't decide if I want to move in with a workmate. 

Help? Hahaha. Di pa rin ako nagliligpit ng damit ko. Tsaka pinoproblema ko loft bed ko. Paano ko yun papabaklas. Nakaka-stress yung process ng paglipat, pero mas malapit yung tinignan naming places kasi malapit sa office tsaka mas maganda color ng walls. And it's more spacious!

Pero may kasama ako omg haha :))) tapos dun din yung jowa niya for a month habang nag-o-ojt. Okay lang naman siguro yun. Idk.

I'm looking forward to my appointment sa Monday. Idk what I want to do with my life. 

 Eto talaga yung pag masama pakiramdam ko, i want to be taken care of. Pakiramdam ko tatrangkasuhin ako. What if ito na yung COVID? Sana malakas resistensya ko. Feeling ko malakas naman. 

Natatakot ako kasi eto na naman yung feeling ko na magiging okay ako for a bit then I'd feel like shit. Like right now, I'm at work and I feel like crying. Or this could be the almost-trangkaso talking. Idk. I just feel like shit. Mentally and physically. 

I keep remembering it was my dad's birthday last Friday. Haha. Ewan. 

 Kaya ako single. Kasi ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko.

Naisip ko, "weh, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better" pero na-realize kong hindi ganyan at totoo talaga yung una kong sinabi. Pag marami kasing tao sa buhay ko, nare-redirect yung energy ko na para sa sarili ko sana.

Gusto ko lang naman ng constant karat and cuddle shuta. Kaya pala uso ang fuck buddy. Hahahaha. 

Pero sige. I'm out of the rut I was in the past few days. I'll just play it by ear.

I have a plan. Should I set a timetable for my daily routine?

I'm just 23.

I'm just 23.

Gusto ko nang grumaduate para matapos na 'tong hassle na ito sa buhay ko. 

 I realize that the reason why I can't write is because I'm so insecure kasi yung mga kasabayan ko ang successful. Ang failure ko.

God i feel like shit

I wish I could be good. And that I could write. But I'm so scared of trying again. I haven't written in years. This blog shit is the most I've done. I wish I were naturally thin like these people in this movie I'm watching. 

 I'm never chasing a guy again. If they liked me, I would've known and I shouldn't have to feel confused. And they'd make sure I know they do. Yes.

And meatloaf is gross. 

 Why can't I have a love like in Us and Them huh???? Goddammit.

I'm scared that the big sad is starting to rear its ugly head.

They say I just have to be content with moments, because they're the most I'll ever get in life, because that's what life is made up of anyway, but I don't want moments. I want to die with someone. Man ang lala ng yearning ko right now. God i hate being alone. But I sort of regret asking my friend out if I could come over again. Might come off as clingy.

Sigh. 

I've beem watching stupid movies since 3AM. Gusto kong magkaraoke. I need a life.

Maybe it's time for me to alone. Lol. I just dont have another choice. Like, sure, babe. If that's what makes you sleep at night. God.

I feel so fucking sad. And ugly. I just want to be tucked in bed. And cuddle. Cuddle.

I reinstalled Tinder and uninstalled it again in less than an hour. It doesn't do me good anyway. I just want company. Hirap naman nitong quality time ang primary love language. Hays.

I want to literally just sleep with someone. Have a drink, maybe. Idk. I really haven't been in thr mood to drink tbh. I just want the company.

So I read something about transference a while back and it got me thinking about my feelings for people before. Anyway.

I'm not in love with my therapist tho ok? Hahaha. I'm not in love with anybody. And that's okay but I'm fucking bored.

I hope this therapy thing works out.

Man it would be nice if I could be loved and desired despite myself. 

 So hi, and TMI: I did a very human thing to do—I watched porn and did all that shit. Anyway, I'm a little envious of those women because they can just let loose and orgasm like that. I find it very difficult to let go. It's hard to have someone see me like that, seems like I'd be very exposed. Eh. I wish I were a guy. It's so easy for guys to orgasm. Also, I think I'll stop hooking up with guys now. 

I also need to lose weight. 

Anyway, idk what movie to watch. 

 Gusto kong maging anak si Alan Kim hello

 I know I want to cry, but I can't bring myself to do so. Is this emotional constipation.

It's so weird, reading this message, because I don't feel like I care for people enough. I don't think I know how to take care of people. I think I'm a selfish person. They've known me for a long time, but this person they speak of doesn't sound like me anymore.

My therapist yesterday said I should stop blaming myself for everything that's happened, that it isn't all on me. And I think that's when I started feeling off. It's difficult to unlearn and just shake off something that I thought was the truth my entire life.

It feels weird that he seems to be rooting for me, kasi parang nasanay akong ako lagi yung mali. That I always make the wrong choices. Na patapon ako kasi naglayas ako and shit, but did I really do the right thing for myself? It's so weird to have him rooting for me kasi, parang ano ibig sabihin nun, shitty talaga family ko? Man, at thr end of it all, no matter how it's obvious life was fucked up, I still defend my family in my head. Idk why. My worst enemy truly is myself. 

He also talked about neuroplasticity. 

I want to be good. I want to be good enough and to amount to something. I can't release this sadness I'm feeling, but I know it's there.

I have a friend who's getting married. I'm happy for her. Sana ako rin. Man, I just want to be loved.

Someone from work said indirectly said mukhang pambahay suot ko. I personally like my long and flowy skirt. I kind of want to put a bit of effort in my attire later, but I'm also too lazy. Why do I have to prove myself. I also don't think I can still look good. Sigh. 

I'm tired. And sad. 

PS. I look fucking hot here. Happy International Women's Day or belated? Whatever. 

hello dear audience,,

so after some yrs of friendship, naipakilala na ako ng isang private friend sa kanyang familé!!! buti ang chill nila and ang cute ng mga bata ahaha di ako naiirita sa bata (surprise, surprise) natuwa lang ako kasi ang hilig palang magmura ng ating kaibigan. it's nice seeing them look more human kasi alam ko namang ang private niya talaga as a person pero ayon i guess he trusts me more (plus makulit ako) to let me see that side of him. also, sinabihan niya ako na kung naging kami daw, nakikita niyang hindi magwowork. siguro nga ok na rin yun. sayang friendship eh in case hindi magwork. di ko naman sinasabing hindi siya magwowork kasi u know me (charot, u dont. sino ka ba? also dont answer), risk-taker-ish naman ako dun, pero i dont want to cross that bridge anymore if it means losing a very, very good friend. or siguro im not dat confident pa about myself din, bakit ko io-offer yung sarili ko nang ganito. i think said friend deserves better. malaki yung mundo, we're just starting to branch out. it is nice to have a friend. man i love my friends. also naging cheese siya nung nakaraan pero di ko na share screencap ng sinabi niya ahaha awit kilig naman aq platonically ahaha 

anyway,, i heard na yung isang naka-hookup ko last yr ay may possibility na naka-contract ng COVID yikes,, hope he's ok,, i heard pa namang he lost a relative who was a frontliner to covid din last year

in other news, ang saya kasi nag-tasting kami ng kape ng ate ni aforementioned private friend pero bilib din ako sa tolerance ko sa kape kasi inantok pa rin ako after nun at ngayon inaantok na rin ako kahit na nagkape na ako hindi kaya wala na epekto kape sa akin?? good lord,,, 

first time ata na natulog ako sa bahay ng lalaki na wala nangyari AHAHAHAHAHA narealize ko lang. the power of friendship (sparkles emoji)

time check 11:44 PM na po ng linggo today at nag uululan na naman kami dito sa office ng boss ko also late ako 6 minutes ahaha ayoko na layo ko pa sa goal

feel ko wala nang epekto sa akin ang kape,,, huhu partida kapeng barako na yon bakit ganooooooooooooooooooooon huhu ayoko na mag red bull stoko pa mabuhay charot

may apponitment ako with therapist later babay one kya <3 ok back to work folks! stoko malasing i think idk im ok, and im surprised that i am. 

bili na ba ako bahay ahaha

hi time check 2:03 AM may victim mentality ako yucks

 I'm feeling a little sad but I'll forget about it. I took what bike guy said as rejection and it stung a lot. Felt like I wasn't womanly enough. What will happen to me. I just want to be loved. Why can't I have that cute story where I grow up with a guy and we just fall in love but we keep it from each other until we're like 25 or something hayst

I love walking at nights like this, where I could stare at the moon and not be deemed as weird, where I could sing in the middle of the street right by my workplace and then the wind blows with just the right force, a little bit strongly but just as if greeting a friend and hugging them fiercely. The moon looks on, and I'm privileged to have her share this secret with me. 

 

If i didnt know my ex, I'd think this was from him. I might send an update about how my session with the therapist goes. Hope it turns out okay.

I'm honestly a little nervous and I wish I requested for someone female.