Ang weird kiligin over someone from way, way back lol anyway i just want february to come and go already so that I dont need to juggle stuff :) and i noticed there have been more views on my older entries i wonder who they are. life is good right now. life is well. :) I'm surprisingly at peace now. :) 

edit: hey hindi sa nagmamaganda ha pero ang weird meron daw may crush sa akin agad sa new work like r they high ok lang kayo? lol the disappointment when yall get to know me may sarili akong batas na kinagagalawan alam nyo ba yon lol and meron pa irereto sa akin na hinahanap ako kasi nga di ako umattend ng party ng bf ng fren q luh i mean hehe tenks sa validation altho i dont rly need it but like ??? r u ok dont be like that u dont know me it's weird im weird i think nobody's liked me ever like that esp when they get to know me for real pero nagka ex ako so maybe im not half bad hehe anyway kebs good fucking luck basta im never gonna fucking settle again. never. i love myself enough not to settle for less na

 https://youtu.be/ugbi5xK_LiY

No words eto na lang HAHAHAHHA

 

This is the best hoodie I've ever worn. I'm not sure if the quality of the fabric was that great, but I prefer to inject an inkling of romance and think that it's mostly because at some point, there were remnants of you that kissed my skin. 

Hey you, you inspire me. I love you. 

I'm thinking if I should start going all in since I don't have anything to lose anyway as far as you're concerned, but I tend to burn my wick a lot faster when I do so. I'll keep thinking about it for now. 

 Are you just a figment of my imagination? 

 For the first time masaya ako sa lasa ng niluto ko. 

The previous ones were just attempts to keep from starving kasi but this one I'm happy about hehe

I found a job but it's just 3k higher than my currently salary

Natouch ako sa mga sinabi ng kawork ko:

I can't decide.

**

I still sleep on the floor, you know. And I still miss my dog. And I still miss you. And I wanted to say I love you, but of course, why would I? What's so wrong with nostalgia, anyway? I still sleep on the floor, and I still wish my dog was here, and that some people were still around, but this only means I have it in me to keep a space somewhere in me for you, and to wish you well, and to think of you on some days.

Live a good life, you. 

**

Babe for the first time, nagresign akong masaya  :)

Naisip ko lang ba, mas tumagal pa itong silent relationship natin more than any of those of my former flames lmaoooooo anywaze 

As always work is stressful lol but wala akong maramdamang sense of urgency maghanap ng iba tbh. Siguro kasi hinihintay ko lang silang alisin ako + may target amount ako sa ipon before resigning.

You should be proud of me, you wouldn't want to be my boss kasi I was fucking rude. Exhibit A: 

Kung kaya mo tiyagain yan. 5 pages yan in total, it was just me complaining. Char. Naglagay din ako good points nila para balanced.

Then they sent me a notice for my sick leaves gawa nga ng pagka-COVID+ ko. Their point would have been valid had my manager not explicitly say that a medical certificate is no longer needed, since my test result should suffice... BUT SHE SAID SO NA NO NEED NA. AND I HAVE SCREENSHOTS TO PROVE IT.

EWAN KO LORD. I kinda regret sending my follow up email tho. Wish I stopped from my first email

Ang passive aggressive kasi nung sa last pic na part. But kebs if I'm jobless e di so be it. Maybe that's the nudge I need to finally be done with this.

Anyway someone sent me this a while back and I'm so lazy to sustain a Convo with them but I can't lie really so dito ko na lang sabihin kasi sa'yo na lang ako comfy magshare lmao

Tbh I am ok :) but mostly bc I'm pushing away the serious stuff off my head until the situation calls for me to really think of them. So idk if that either means I'm really okay and that the problem was how I perceived stuff or that I'm just okay bc I'm escaping from things... Hahaha but I'll savor this good feeling while it lasts

There's one more thing I could share but I'm not in the mood for it. If I ever will be, idk. Maybe I'll keep it to myself forever so that I can finally move on from it.

Hope ure ok take care.

Also umorder ako today, nagluto ako ulit adobo pero di ako masaya sa lasa. Wala talaga ako talent dito 🙂

 Working from home is turning out to be fun so far!! I ordered earlier this morning as in Monday morning but I did not eat the rice that came with my order so I went and made fried rice with it hahaha

And then I made pork adobo again lol

Sorry puro experiment ko na ang andito hahaha

I wanna resign lol hirap lang talaga maghanap ng malilipatan na maganda

Anw ayan nga ya girl wasn't kidding when she said she can't handle serious stuff 

Like meh I can't deal with life-changing situations or choices muna ok??? Give me a break hahaha

 So I tried sleeping without any alarm set and I slept from 1pm to 12am lol anw I prepped this hehe

Don't judge I just made do with what I had hahaha

It's always so fun watching director's reels.

I made paksiw the other day:

I also didn't get in dun sa NICE na company. Maybe I'll try dun sa Canva.

Can I just add these? They're nice words.

I miss having a life outside of this routine, but there is a calmness in the now, tbh. I'm okay where I am at the moment. Like I can't really complain. It could be better, for sure, but it's really not that bad. 

I was speaking to a friend who was complaining about being bored with her life, and when she asked me about how I was, I didn't feel the need to share anymore. What for di ba? Wala namang mababago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm also sleepy.

I haven't shaved my armpits for so long. Lol.

Maybe this work from home thingy isn't so bad. Hehehehe self-care
 

 So... I called it btw. Hahaha. I'm COVID+. Plus I cooked something! (I stocked up on food hehe)

 Naiirita ako sa mga hindi mo makausap nang maayos. Don't they know the concept of respecting someone else's time? Ako yung kakausapin pero hindi mo makausap nang maayos. Anong gagawin ko? Naiinis ako gusto kong manakal

 My fever went down Sunday but before then it just kept rising to 39.4°C I almost thought that was my doom, but it wasn't apparently. I still ditched work last night just because. And honestly, right now, I can barely function. When I try to clear my stuff and clean up, I can't stand up properly. I've been trembling and uncontrollably. I haven't even paid my landlord yet because I don't have cash I'm fuming mad tbh I wish I could bank transfer. I bought myself a new prepaid modem but it's frustrating how people are saying stupid stuff. Like I don't need this crap right now please lang. Don't test my patience. I have a feeling I have COVID lol  I'm supposed to meet with a doctor online at 2pm but I can't even finish my chores lol

Sa totoo lang, hindi na ako natutuwa sa nangyari and I want to cry but it's going to worsen my coldw and I can't have that. I feel dizzy as fuck and I can't stand up well and I can't work and I need to take a swab test a fucking hassle I want to be gone nothing's going my way

Woke up with fever eh di nice 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Minsan ba, pag tinitignan mo sarili mo, naisip mo ba na hindi pala bagay sa'yo may jowa? Kasi tinitignan ko pics ko tas di ako makapaniwalang I was ever someone else's ex. Like di bagay? It's not that I think too highly of myself. Its just that di lang talaga mukhang maganda like hindi bagay parang I'm too young for a jowa or yung mukha hindi mukha ng dapat magjowa. I'm still processing the fact that my peers are trying to get pregnant some are married some are already with child like.... Huh.

I realized just now that I've been single for two years omg I'm so happy I can do it naman pala e

Anyway gnite baby luv u. Ikaw na lang ang jowa ko. This is official. 

Been incessantly throwing up today I'd think I'm pregnant if I didn't know any better haha I feel like shit it's prolly the hyperacidity,, 

I wish i didn't tear apart my childhood journals when i found out that my grandma read them without my consent lol wouldve been nice to read my stupid thoughts from before just to see how much ive changed (if i did) this is all I have now. That old purple journal from high school only contained dates of series and movie premieres on Disney, HBO, and Star Movies haha 

naisip ko lang bakit ko ginawang TV guide ang diary ko nung highschool ampota hahaha

Also, it's still too early for a happy dance but I've lost 5kgs haha 10 more to go

Long overdue na rin, pero I'll just put this here kasi I think you should see this of all people. You've been my constant and you've literally suffered thru all my stupid thoughts so yeah haha 

 Baby!!! Today is a good day!! Yung tinutukan kong kdrama ay may magandang nangyari today. I was so close to dropping it na kasi. Whatever grammar. Then I pooped 4x today within the first half of my shift. And then I wasn't sleep deprived. Hehehe. I love you!!

Im a bit scared tho. I have a feeling I might test positive if I get checked for COVID. A lot of the symptoms are matching up (nothing severe tho) my heartbeat has been going from the regular to crazy fast a lot lately (arrhythmia) and I had chills last week too. Well, lagi naman ako may sipon pero di singlala nung may rhinitis me. And nothing wrong w my throat so far. Haha. Im scared. I hope I'm just overthinking.

 It feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest, and it only keeps getting bigger and bigger, as I fiddle around the thought of working back from home again. The memory of my constant breakdowns from 2020, the urge to turn off all the lights and lie on the floor so I can cry some more, the muffling of my sobs over a phone call with a customer--I don't want to go back this route again. The office is a great distraction from the present times. I don't think I can be alone with myself like that again. 

 what can u do when u want to pray for people but u don't really do that

 Just got home. Today's wins are 

I made it through the day without coffee 

I got my scented candles na

Madilim na sa kwarto ko.

Yun lang.

 While I squirm at the idea of having a fragment of myself immortalized on paper, in someone else's art, I am grateful that I am. Memories are not enough, and sometimes, they lie. 

Quick sharing, I actually want to cry alone right now, but I can't because it'll make the mood of the rest of today and I have to be productive. Such is life, babe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I can't bring myself to read the whole thing. The moment my eyes caught that line about one of the characters not graduating because of a back subject, and PE, of all possible subjects, I just couldn't. 

I now feel at peace with being on my own and even prefer it on most days. I hope the same for you if it isn't the case for you yet. 

May bago dito sa crying spot ko. They switched on the lights dun sa Sunlife signage so ayun. Pretty flowers under its blue light that I'll never be able to capture on my phone, but you're free to imagine. 

Sa totoo lang, nilalamok talaga ako dito, but this is the best I have right now. Hidden from everyone's view and I don't have to muffle my sobbing. 

Alam mo, ang sakto lang ng song for the night: https://youtu.be/cSgFrAH7I_U

First line says something about being blue, tapos the lighting here is blue. Probably cliche, pero ayun. Imagine mo na lang. Tapos sana maganda ako sa imagination mo. 

Umaambon pa konti. 

I feel like I'm floating to nowhere again. I can't even cry my heart out to release it. I guess this is how the rest of the day will be.

I think I miss someone.

Sana ma-kidnap na lang ako.

This collage is for you. Sa'yo na lang ako mag-share.

Sometimes I feel like the things that work in my favor are all illusions, like I'm in my own Truman Show. I know that seems so stuck-up and narcissist of me. I'm well aware that the world doesn't revolve around me and that I'm nothing but a single grain of sand on a shore.

Work shouldn't have to suck my person out of me. I should only work enough to be a contributing member of society. 

I wish there were no calendars, so that holidays are no more than a mundane day, that I get to decide when my new year starts, or when my god's birthday is. If I had one. I don't know. 

Actually, I do know. They're currently having fun playing games in the office. I'm alone in the restroom.