**

Share ko lang convo ko with a friend nung nakaraan 
 

Ang hopeless hahaha gusto ko lang ng matiwasay na buhay jusko bakit ba kasi ang gahaman ng mga lider natin putangina nila

In other news, sa Angkas driver na lang ako kikiligin labas ng kdrama kasi pinilit talaga ni Kuya na siya magsuot ng helmet kahit na kinukuha ko na awit sige salamat buo na February ko haha eme

Also the only validation I need on my humor trulie

You know what? I kinda love myself now hahahhaha I feel okay I feel well sumahod na pala ako hehe

You know I have my fears of course, but they're more about my life. I wish I was a little bit more afraid in my everydays

Gusto kong mag-EK

 

 Well, today I've made up my mind lol. I'm truly not living with Adi. Ayokong mag-adjust sa lifestyle o routine niya lol lakas mag-Tagalog habang nagtatawag ako tas lakas ng patugtog habang tulog ako in the same area. Gets ko naman di ako pwede umalma at ako ang dayo pero ayun nga, meh. I like my own space. I'm not mad, no hard feelings either. Pero ayun, yeah. Tapos I don't really plan to make a lot of changes in my lifestyle din just because I earn more. I wouldn't be able to save that way lol 

Here's my current fav song.

Anyway, more about decisions, I've made up my mind as far as my career is concerned BUT MOTHER FUCKER, ang bigat sa loob umalis kasi ang bait ng lintik na TL ko parang hindi niya deserve na resign-an pero kasi bakit hindi ko susunggabin offer sa akin ng Teamspan? 30k din yon teh. 🥲 They're willing to take me back despite my track record and despite resigning immediately.

Nagmamanifest sa physical pain yung pagka-konsensya ko 🥲 like my tummy is literally hurting at the moment 🥲 good fucking gracious anong gagawin ko. Hinihintay ko lang talaga ang sahod e 🥲

Bakit ba kasi ako cinoaching lintek 🥲 pero kasi naman alangang ipagpalit ko ang 30k na sahod dahil lang mabait TL ko huhu lalo na kilala ko rin naman magiging boss ko sa lilipatan ko

Sorry TL sorry u're nice I swear it's not you

My dream was funny tonight. I was studying daw sa Harvard. Bale meron daw sa BGC. Tapos I was plotting against this guard sa entrance who's a bully to give him a taste of his own medicine tapos in my dream mahaba raw yung toilet seat lmaooo 

Meron daw parang di ko sure kung org ba siya o company o start-up pero nag-ask ako sa friend ko from there and I was curious tapos my friend (whom I don't recognize from real life) told me it's for grad school and suggested that mag-med school daw ako lol so I did

And in my dream, I was a med student lmao

Tapos I attended a graduation of my friend and her boyfriend and they did a song number. I don't even remember what song it was anymore but it was something uplifting.

Tapos I felt like I was watching a movie and she was cutting her hair short, shorter than any length she's tried and it looked cute on her. And I was encouraged to cut my own hair too. (But I won't, okay? Lol)

I can't wait for the weekend anymore.

Birthday pala ng isa kong pinsan today. EDSA din pala pati no?

How's it going? 

May kwento ako sa'yo. Ang eventful ng Wednesday ko. So nag-karaoke kami ni Adi and nung pauwi kami, we were wondering bakit walang galawan sa SM Southmall so we decided na maglakad na lang pauwi since kaya naman. Tapos nung nasa Colours na kami, kaya pala malala ang traffic eh kasi meron palang lalaking inakyat yung poste sa tapat ng Colours tapos may mga LGU people sa paligid niya. Half the road was closed. May parang yellow sa ilalim nung poste para saluhin yung lalaki in case he jumps tapos may crane para nga akyatin na yung lalaki. Pictures below:

Anyway, all's well that ends well. Guy was rescued and brought down

I found it off that some people were saying na babatukan daw nila yung lalaki if it were them or how they were invalidating the guy kesyo may problema daw sila pero di naman daw sila nag-cause ng eksena. Like, stop 👏 making 👏 it 👏 about 👏 you 👏 Sharon👏 Good lord 🙄

Here are pics of me and Adi from yesterday hehe

Here's Poydi, Adi's dog:

Hehehehe

Today's song for you! :)

You know, now that I've come to terms with accepting my feelings to be one-sided, the stars or algorithm are being weird and telling me to communicate even when I truly, truly don't feel the need to anymore? So confusing.

I have another kwento, pero it can wait until everything is on paper and LEGIT! Just being careful not to jinx it. Lol 

Love u hehe

Oks I'm joking. I'm back to square 1 lol I haven't firmly decided on anything hahaha 

 I might have come to a decision already? Here's my song for you today, Ry. Lol. Eto pa! 

I just need to get used and adjust my mindset, I guess. 

On to other news... So I looked at my body in the mirror earlier before I took a bath, and I don't hate it so much but I still weigh 55 kg lmaooo I need to lose 10 kg haha and my skin looks uglie ugh I need to start using lotion again. I stopped kasi I don't go out as much na but my complexion looks so bad now I'll use lotion na nga ulit hmp nagtitipid din kasi ako kasi 2 cutoffs na ako la sweldo aba naman

I'm thinking of growing my bangs na talaga seryoso na hahaha wish me luck haha I'll also take a break from dyeing my hair omg normal girl era hello

Let me just flex 

Also I'm currently on a call listening session atm and I got great feedback from management and our onshore client hehe

Ive been feeling lazy after graduating from our product training tho sigh

I look like a good girl here hehe

Today I've come to accept that it just won't happen for me, and it's okay. I don't see the need to tell you about how I feel. You already said no once. I let my feelings take over common sense. I repressed them for a while, and so now they're back. I'll let myself feel them until I'm okay. I needed this anyway. Look at me—2 years na akong single! Ang galing. Wouldn't have done it without you and without my ex traumatizing me lol. But I know I'm healing from the latter :)

Anyway, I came across these (trigger warning).

 

I'm so proud of myself. I've come a long way. This text exchange doesn't even make me feel heavy or sad. I just see how far I've come now. And I'm happy for myself that I'm now here.

Do I still think you're the best, Ry? Yeah, I do. But I don't feel the need to tell you about how I feel anymore. My feelings for you are solely my responsibility. They are mine to feel and only for me to know. Telling you will not change anything. Adi said I could tell you for my peace of mind, for closure. Pero what closure do I need? You already gave me your answer. You've always reminded me I'm a friend and nothing else. Maybe a good friend, but nothing more. That's okay. That's all I need. That's more than enough for closure. The problem with me was that I assumed the spaces were blanks that needed to be filled out when they weren't anything but plain spaces, just some boundaries.

One thing I couldn't accept then was that if someone liked me, they would've let me know about it. And that didn't happen so there's no need for me to make a fool of myself to you again. I placed more weight than I should've on the friendship you were offering. But I've already had my fair share of such. You would've if you wanted to. And you didn't, so ganun talaga. I was just delusional.

You were kind enough to remind me how I'm a friend. You never failed to draw the line and put me in my place, pero ako lang talaga yung matigas ang ulo. Sorry. I've accepted my place and I admit my mistake na, completely and sincerely. 

Thanks for the friendship. You're one of the best. :) I wouldn't have felt for you like this if you weren't.

Ang ominous ng date ngayon, 2/22/22. I hope it brings you some sort of magic or smth. Me feeling at peace with rejection is all the magic I need I suppose

I watched Oasis by Lee Chang-dong

 I didn't get to fetch Bebu over the weekend bc my friend flaked out on me. Well, I have already let it go. I wish my internet wouldn't act up so much so I can go back to working here at my place. 

I've been wanting to go to karaoke even by myself for the longest time, but I also don't want to leave the house. Kakaiba rin kasi antok ko lately. 

My dream last night was so bad na nagising akong naninigas sa position ko, as in firm yung legs ko na nakataas pero tulog ako. Like on a usual day, di ako makakatulog ng ganun pero ganun kasi siguro di ako gumagalaw kasi I was in danger in my dream. I vaguely remember details na, but I know it had something to do with my house in Batangas and being framed for several murders. I think it was with my dad. I think he also tied me to the gate in my dream. 

I don't think I've watched anything nice since we stopped talking. You would've enjoyed this

I've been wondering if I'm making the right choice. 

I badly need advice, but what can you do? Alam kong malaki na ako, pero di naman ako Diyos at omniscient. I still have my failings, alam mo yun? 

I don't know who to turn to so I can settle this. 

Mas maganda pay, tapos familiar ako sa work, pero won't I just be limiting myself? 

Narealize ko lang din, I don't think I receive the same energy from the people I value a lot. Siguro ganun talaga no? Even with friends as far back as high school and elementary, you just grow apart at some point. I kind of forgot. Life was so good, it momentarily left my mind.

I'm not sad, don't misunderstand. These are just random musings.

I'm supposed to fetch Bebu tomorrow, and Jea said nangayayat daw siya. Of course I'm disappointed, pero I appreciate that she watched over my dog when I asked her to.

I hope I can be with Bebu for a long time. 

As always, I wish I can reach out to you, but I need to get used to this distance between us now or I never will.

I wish a sign would just fall from the sky. I can't make a decision. 

I know I'm a loud person but I don't like being shouted at. Alcohol truly is a downer and it brings out the worst in people no?

I passed training hehe. Exceeded the required metric hehe

I also already interviewed for my old company and I'm scheduled for a client interview on Tuesday

I'm super drowsy prolly bc I had a glass of Alfonso pero one glass lang e ambot gnite maw mwa

 Alam mo tinignan ko composite chart natin at kahit dun, parang hanggang kaibigan lang talaga dapat tayo. True, di naman ako expert, at di ko pa rin naman talaga siya na-analyze nang maigi, pero parang sapat na yung mabara ako ng very same thing na nagpapaulol sa akin, aside sa cool ka naman talaga din.

I hope my plans come to fruition. 

 

Today is a sakto day. Di ko pa rin naaasikaso payroll account ko. I fucking feel lazy. Lol. Still hate my job lol but my teammates make it bearable. 

It's most likely going to rain in a bit. I'm supposed to pick up Bebu from Batangas this weekend. I need to clean up my place tomorrow. Maybe when I get enough sleep. I'll also prolly just setup my account tomorrow. From what I know, banks inside malls are open on the weekends anyway. I think I have an idea why I'm starting to have less energy to do stuff. It's probably because I started working at the house of my friend nearby since my data started fucking up in my room. Lol. It's so tiring. And she makes me do things I don't usually do, throws me off my routine. Nothing bad about her but gets ba haha it just doesn't follow my personal routine. Like I started taking diet pills and it's helped me initially but she asks to buy food in the middle of the night when I don't eat anything supposedly at that time save for light snacks lol it's a little annoying actually. I also kinda agreed to live with her once I've fully adjusted at work? But I might take this back because I kinda like my space. And now that I remember that our respective routines aren't in sync, it wouldn't make sense to be under the same roof as this person.

Baka pag-awayan pa namin. 

Siguro I'll tell her once di na ako in-between jobs (quite literally)

This was me and my friend from yesterday (the one who gave me a sermon, not the one who asked me to live with her)

No decent pic bc wtf is that right lol 

In other news, I've asked around my circles about whether they've visited my blog outside the times I sent them a link to an entry and all of them said no. I mean, they could be lying or telling the truth. I care less now about who you are and whether you're Ryan or not. Or maybe I'm just saying this because I'm still sleepy.

Chika #2, someone at work whom I have a personal joke with Adi about fulfilling my Rico Blanco-Maris Racal fantasies asked me to create an account on Skype and I'm like "??" They prolly said this bc it's not safe to chat on Teams and neither of us wants to talk on our personal socmed accts I guess. Last I used Skype was during high school for my mom when she worked abroad. Lol

Nothing special and not a big deal out of this person. I just think they're cool and they're good at work! But meh. See poem above (second pic iirc). Plus, he's a Leo 🤮. I'm great at research like that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm so drained but nothing worrisome. Just sleepy and tired. I'll also be transitioning to a later shift starting Monday. Will be on a 3am shift. More sleep at night i guess.

I might be drowsy bc I actually just had Neozep.

Ive been trying to look for Tin's email about caring but I couldn't find it. I found other interesting ones tho. 

Gahhh. Good night 

 I hung out with a friend earlier today, and she gave me an earful about you, Ryan. Lol.

She was sort of rooting for me initially, saying baka di lang talaga ready. But she was also still grounded enough to call me out and tell me to stop being delusional. What hit me most was when she said, "Hanapin mo yung ikaw rin yung hinahanap."

Ops. Disclaimer: di ako naghahanap. Wala akong pake. Context was that I said I've already tried the other fishes in the sea and no one's has come close to you. She retorted with that.

Totoo naman. I'm hopeful that I will eventually get the hang of this, Ry. In the near future sana. 

I'm listening to a friend who's crying after her therapy session and alam mo, it's nice to be there for the people who were there for me too, not because I want to repay them but because I love them and I want to be there for them just as much and I'm glad I can do that now.

I'm glad we have this mutual trust. I want the best for everyone I love, really. I'm so happy with myself kasi I can now be this person that they can turn to. Alam mo, sinabihan ako ni Tin dati na she wishes for me to receive the same amount of care I give others and I was shookt because I've always believed I was selfish, pero now, I believe that I do care. And it's nice to be able to and recognize that you can. Will add more to this let me just get some sleep

 

Nakita ko lang sa Twitter:

My insecurities are hitting me a little too hard right now, but I want you so much that I pray to the universe for you. 

Ang pangit dito sa current work ko. Para akong bumalik sa wala akong experience tapos queueing. Outbound daw e para naman kaming robot lang na sinalang sa inbound queue. Anyway, I have a plan. Ganun na lang. Saka ko na kwento pag may nasimulan na ako or baka pwedeng maging kasosyo na lang sa kainan niyo shuta hahaha

Para akong robot. Mas ok pa trabaho dun sa inalisan ko, kaso di ko na masikmura sistema ng support team lol

Kumusta ka?

Edit:

Pota teh I didnt expect this hahaha eto pala ang sinasabi ng mga astrology shit na blessing because:

28k teh.

Kaso kasi eto na nga, ilalatag ko na ang balak ko. Balak ko kasi maghome credit para sa magandang laptop tapos magstay lang ako dito sa Firstsource long enough para may malagay lang ako sa proof of employment.

Maganda nang may personal laptop ako para makapag practice na rin ako ng Adobe stuff. Wala akong balak mag call center habambuhay. Gusto ko rin magpursue ng career sa creative industry alam mo yun? Kahit ano, basta dun. O kaya i-hire mo na ako rekta. Hehe. Yieee.

Balak ko ring mag enroll ulit sa susunod na school year. Basta anytime this year, tatapusin ko na back subjects ko. Para pwede na ako magtingin tingin ng trabaho sa media. May classmates akong nag-a-apply na e. Wala akong solid plan, kasi I wanna leave enough wiggle room for allowances, in case shit doesn't work my way.

I don't know what to do. Pag kasi bumalik ako sa Teamspan, syempre di ako makakaalis agad kasi di ko sila pwedeng gaguhin like dis. Kaso kasi... Small steps, okay? Maging stable lang talaga ako sa career, sisimulan ko yan. 

***

Going back to you dahil ikaw naman talaga ang main topic dito, mannnnn. How can a girl not go delusional if the universe sends out messages like this huh?

🥺 Alam mo, ganito lang ako, pero mahaba pasensya ko at kaya kong magtimpi para sa mga gusto ko, eh gusto kita.

***

Balik sa akin, alam mo, kahit na this isn't far from the life I've dreamt for myself, I'm glad I don't feel as hopeless. Ayun. I haven't turned 180°, don't get me wrong. Lol. I just don't find anything wrong with living one day at a time. It's less overwhelming pa nga. I'm okay with where I am today. 

Nakausap ko mama mo kanina lang. Buti pa mama mo, nakakausap ko. Hinanap din ako ng mama mo, aba. Ikaw hindi. Sakit nun onti ah.

Alam mo, hindi ako bobits and sumagi na rin naman sa isip ko countless times that you'll eventually find a person you'd want to do things for (romantically). It's not like I want to keep you on a leash, tie you with ball and chain. Of course, I want you, pero accepting naman ako methinks. 

Or maybe because kalmado na ako ulit ngayon.

Pero miss pa rin naman kita. But I can go on with my days. Pero this isn't indifference, in case you think it is. I hope the previous entries have shown enough that it's far from that. I'm just levelheaded, I guess. Just not level headed enough to get over you LOL 

3rd year ka na pala, e no? Maaabutan mo na ako. I'd like to work with you on something one day, truly. Preferably, yung legally bound tayo para kahit magkaroon tayo ng disagreement, at the end of the day, tayo pa rin ang magkasama lol. I wonder how that'll turn out. I'm mostly indifferent about where my life is headed, but I'm hopeful about that potential. Lol. Your mom said you're still sleeping at this hour. Naol.

I should be going to BPI para asikasuhin bank account details ko, pero syempre tinatamad ako. Dumagdag pa 'tong offer ni Ainge. Nasira ko nga pala monitor ko kagabi lmao

Alam mo, I'm not much, but I'm willing to compromise with you as much as I can. I hope I get a chance one of these days with you.

I saw this too:

Maybe I should prepare my email to you. Alam mo, I actually already did but idk. Idk how to sun everything up, enough so you'd see it all, enough for me to be certain I'm not leaving out anything. I don't know if words will ever be enough for you to think of my feelings as sincere enough.

Alam mo, baka ang hopeful or slightly delusional pakinggan nito, pero my dude na hindi ko talaga dude, ika nga ng Bread o ni Ben & Ben, whichever you prefer, I want to make it with you. Lol. Like, I'm perfectly aware it's not going to be sunshine and rainbows for the future, but if love is just a matter of "picking your poison", you're it. Di ka naman poison, per se ha. Pero gets mo naman di ba? Ayun. I want to overcome things with you. I want to fall down and get up with you.

Alam mo, kung totoo ang manifesting at matupad 'tong hiling kong mag-meet din tayo halfway, iiyak ako sa tuwa, I think my heart will jump for joy.

I always wonder about you, Ryan. 

I've noticed about myself that whenever I don't feel okay, or when my hormones are going haywire (wc is kinda normal bc of my period?) I turn to astrology. I think it's mostly because the stars tell me what I want to hear, although unfounded. Lol.

But here, I'm told you feel something for me too, and man, I kinda want to live in that delusion. I don't know the time of your birth or where exactly were you born, but you did say you've lived in Muntinlupa when you were younger... idk. If my memory serves me right, your big 3 should be Sagittarius sun, Aries moon, Pisces rising. Lol. 

I'm sorry that I couldn't immediately read the script you were so proud of. It was so hard for me to look at anything from you. I wanted to think of you and reminisce about you under my own terms. I couldn't deal with reality, with your actual self kasi it hurt. My way of coping has always been "out of sight, out of mind" nga kasi di ba? 

So there.

I've been thinking about you a whole fucking lot. I didn't realize there was another playlist.

I still miss you, but I think I've poured my heart out so much na. I'm also not gonna do anything now kasi parang sinasabayan ko lang yung novelty ng Valentine's. And my feelings for you is more than that one day in a year na hindi nga holiday, e. Lugi na ako sobra. Di naman to contest, pero you know how to go after what you want kasi, e. I'm just not it kaya ganito. Gets naman. Oks lang. Oks na lang.

Nakita ko lang 'to. And I'm listening to that playlist.

Ry ang unfair. We wanted to be in each other's lives for as long as possible, di ba? This wasn't even long. I don't consider this long. This doesn't mean my criteria of long at all. I miss you so much. Ang daya nito. Mali ba na hanapin ka? Feeling ko hindi naman e. 

Oo gusto ko lol pero shunga bakit mo tatanungin kung ayaw mo rin namang marinig yung sagot, e nung unang beses akong umamin ayaw mo e. Wag kang magtanong ok? Looking back now, parang ang saya pa lalong umasa lmao

Funny lang na ganito dati tas ganito na ngayon 

Eto yung uminom ako sa inyo lol e kesa sabihin ko sa'yo di ba

Nakita ko pa yung nakwento kong nagsabi ka na kung maging tayo baka hindi magwork, labag sa loob akong umagree nun. 

Nabanggit mo na nga palang may ex ka dati. So I guess, if you really wanted to, you would've. Totoo naman. Alam ko naman to. Alam ko. Hahahahaha :) 24 yrs old na ako pero bakit ganito hahahaha

I want to wait, and I happily would if you need me to. We still have so much to do and accomplish pa naman din kasi for ourselves, but I wish there was something to hold on to, no matter how small.

I don't want that script to be the last of me in your life. If possible, I don't want for me to have a last with you. That may have not made sense but what I'm trying to say I want us to be in each other's lives until whenever, death siguro. Alam mo, kahit pa ako yung maiwan. Or ikaw kung anong gusto mo. Pero willing akong i-overcome yung pagkaayaw kong maiwanan just for us to be together for longer.

I want you for the long-term, you know. Willing nga ako mag compromise kung hanggang friendship lang e. Okay na yun. Ikaw mismo naman yung gusto ko e, pero kung ganito, e di ano na? Can't I overstay my welcome?

Anyway, as you already know, yeah, I love you. I want to say it as nonchalantly as possible kahit na obvious sa mga previous entries kong it's the opposite haha but this is me trying to keep a straight face I guess look at me surround it with a lot of other words to hide it hahahaha defensive e haha

Alam mong makulit ako. And determined. Baka naman pwedeng madala ka ulit sa ganyan ko lol.

Anw I plan to book a room na may bathtub for myself sa una kong sahod wc will be on the 28th pa hays hehe sama ka eme

I couldn't tell you then that when you sent that Truly, Madly, Deeply song, I was crying in the middle of the street. I clearly remember that night. I was crying kasi I badly wished you'd feel for me like in the song, because it's true. You've seen everything. 

Siguro fav song ko atm yung I Couldn't Be More In Love. Alam kong hinype mo sa akin 'to dati and I snubbed it kasi pa-cool ako at insistent sa pagiging hater ko ng The 1975, but yeah, I was wrong.

Happy valentine's. Nagpipigil ako sobrang wag pang sabihin. Buti na lang takot akong i-block mo ako. That's enough to stop me from emailing you.

Please come back. I'll be good to you. I'll do my best to be always be better. You've said many times you don't want to add to my list of worries, but my feelings are manifesting into a physical headache for some reason, and if you think there's something in you that thinks maybe you like me too, I was hoping we could give it a shot. At some point in time. I hope that timing eventually goes my way. 

Everyone's telling me to let this go. Will I ever move on from you tho? I keep finding you again and again one way or another. Let me be good to you. 

I want to keep sending you songs. 

Love this bit from this song:

"I want you

I hold one card

That I can't use

But I want you"

I guess I'll just have to keep missing you for now.