Today I've come to accept that it just won't happen for me, and it's okay. I don't see the need to tell you about how I feel. You already said no once. I let my feelings take over common sense. I repressed them for a while, and so now they're back. I'll let myself feel them until I'm okay. I needed this anyway. Look at me—2 years na akong single! Ang galing. Wouldn't have done it without you and without my ex traumatizing me lol. But I know I'm healing from the latter :)

Anyway, I came across these (trigger warning).

 

I'm so proud of myself. I've come a long way. This text exchange doesn't even make me feel heavy or sad. I just see how far I've come now. And I'm happy for myself that I'm now here.

Do I still think you're the best, Ry? Yeah, I do. But I don't feel the need to tell you about how I feel anymore. My feelings for you are solely my responsibility. They are mine to feel and only for me to know. Telling you will not change anything. Adi said I could tell you for my peace of mind, for closure. Pero what closure do I need? You already gave me your answer. You've always reminded me I'm a friend and nothing else. Maybe a good friend, but nothing more. That's okay. That's all I need. That's more than enough for closure. The problem with me was that I assumed the spaces were blanks that needed to be filled out when they weren't anything but plain spaces, just some boundaries.

One thing I couldn't accept then was that if someone liked me, they would've let me know about it. And that didn't happen so there's no need for me to make a fool of myself to you again. I placed more weight than I should've on the friendship you were offering. But I've already had my fair share of such. You would've if you wanted to. And you didn't, so ganun talaga. I was just delusional.

You were kind enough to remind me how I'm a friend. You never failed to draw the line and put me in my place, pero ako lang talaga yung matigas ang ulo. Sorry. I've accepted my place and I admit my mistake na, completely and sincerely. 

Thanks for the friendship. You're one of the best. :) I wouldn't have felt for you like this if you weren't.

Ang ominous ng date ngayon, 2/22/22. I hope it brings you some sort of magic or smth. Me feeling at peace with rejection is all the magic I need I suppose

I watched Oasis by Lee Chang-dong