What kind of a fighter are you?

Naisip ko lang that when I do fight, I'd like to think I fight with conviction. Nakakapagod din palang maging ako. 

 Ang pangit ng tulog ko lately madalas na rin akong nagigising na umiiyak hayst skl

 Uunahan ko na universe ha, ayoko na ng December 2020 part two, yung ang lala ng yearning ko ng October tapos biglang nagkanda-leche leche na yung sumunod na buwan. Pls lang. Nakakalungkot minsan pero nananahimik na pepe ko. 

 I gave my puppy a bath hehe she smells so good na hehe i just need to clean her ears and brush her teeth

 Hi. Share ko lang sa'yo ang aking random tot.

Sunod-sunod akong nakakita ng buntis ngayon habang naglalakad pauw tapos naisip ko sana buntis na lang ako kasi sometimes it's a badge na you're wanted and I'm not getting any thinner or prettier or younger tsaka siguro para may false sense of purpose in life na ako hahaha char tapos papalaglag para valid pa rin for maternity leave CHOUR ONLY ahaha Medyo gusto ko nang sukuan 'tong tuta ko. Hindi naman dahil nakakatamad maglinis, it's become part of routine na pero wala lang. Hays. Ang kulit. Gusto ko na ring sukuang ga-graduate ako this year.

Also realized I'm never gonna find love outside of dating apps. Sad. Tangina am i really just a hole to stick a piece of meat in

 I hope you're gay. Or maybe that I'm gay. God. Anyway. Ackkkk. Ang cute ng crush ko punyeta. Gets ko namang unrequited talaga. Okay lang talaga. Pero ackkkkk. Parang nahihiya akong mag-exist kasi he deserves so much? Parang hindi ko deserve na maging nasa mundo niya lolol does that make sense ang cute niya gagu nakakainis nakakainis nakakainis

Nakakahiya ngang malaman niya pang crush ko siya lol he deserves so much. Anyway, di na naman ako makakatulog kasi may nagpupukpok na naman.

Okay tatantanan ko na 'tong crush ko. Kakalma lang ako. It's not going to happen anyway. I'll just focus on myself. Bakit ang awkward pag sinabing mahal pero magaan lang pag yung word na love yung gamit?

I still hope it happens. But in case it really won't, okay lang din. 

 Hi.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't think I'm really okay, but I'm happy for my friends and I think I shouldn't burden them with this na. They've been there so much for me, I want to be there for naman. Pero kahit ikaw na lang. I don't feel happy. I don't want to function. I don't want to graduate anymore. I'm so tired.

I'm not going to tell any of my friends na lang. It's okay. 

Thanks for giving me the time of day. :)

***

People are going to see you. And I'm sorry that I can't keep my eyes off of you, but such is love. 

—that's a note from last month lmao

 Possible pala talagang magmahal ng tao tapos di mo na dama yung need na ipagpilitan yung sarili mo sa kanya tapos masaya ka na lang para sa kanya tapos gusto mo lang na andun siya kaya kung ibig sabihin nun, ganun na lang. Safe na rin naman 'to. Kung oo, e di oo. Kung hindi, e di hindi.

Syempre, ramdam ko namang di ko rin naman aayawan kung sakaling masuklian 'to—he's what comes to mind even on my darnedest, drunken nights, pero he doesn't have to know anymore. I'll just be around him, and he'll just be around me, and that's okay.

Or epekto lang ba 'to ng Boyhood ni Linklater? Lol. I didn't really think I'd take the time to listen to Beatles songs back to back, but now I appreciate the song.

Siguro ito yung kapalit nung pag-iyak ko sa highway last weekend habang nakikinig din sa mga kanta. Siguro kahit naman masakit nung time na yon, alam ko namang deep down na hindi talaga. Okay lang. Biruin mo, nalasing ako, pero never ko siya dinrunk chat. May restraint na yiee. Haha. Magsasabbatical na rin talaga ako sa mga lalaki. 

 I don't care if the glass is half empty or half full, but there's water at least and I can take sips of it till I find more (water)

HAYS HAYS HAYS

 ayoko na magwork gusto ko nang umalis dito ayoko na magtrabaho gusto ko na lang maging palamon at matulog forever.. i dont want to stay here pero tinatamad akong kumilos para makaalis dito. i'm so tired.

 Ang pangit, kanina pa pala ako umiiyak sa tulog ko. I'm trying to calm myself down now and stop crying. Ang daming mga bagay na, ngayon ko narealize, isinantabi ko lang pala. But that's how it gets easier to take on each day. It hurts to remember how unwanted I've been. Sana nga di na lang ako pinanganak. Wala namang mawawala.

Ang pangit ng panaginip ko. Ayoko nang ishare sa'yo pero ayaw ko ring makalimutan. Ayoko nang magshare sa'yo. Hindi naman kita kilala. At di ko rin gustong malaman kung sino ka. Mas nararamadaman ko lang na ang pabigat ko.

In my dream, my uncle asked bakit di raw ako umalis. Apparently, dun ako nakatira sa kanila (na naman lol) and I asked him kung seryoso ba siyang kinukumpara niya ako sa iba. Eh wala naman akong mauuwian, sabi ko. Sabi ko pa, "Gets ko na pag the more intimate relationships are, the messier they get." But do they really have to be messy? Are relationships really messy or am I just saying that because it's all I've known?

Magmo-mothers day pala ano? Lala ng mommy issues ko wtf. Mas mabigat pa sa daddy issues ko. Hahahahahahahaha burat.