Why are we all not some rich heiress or someone who can afford to be jobless for at least a year and go ~soul-searching~ or whatever the fuck that is

To be fair, I brought this upon myself but ALL OTHER OPTIONS were just as crappy? I've had a hard time staying in one job before this one, and I thought that wouldn't happen again when I finally stayed for a year (even 2 yrs) in this company. Why can't humans hibernate for a long period of time  like some animals. Heck why am I even human huhu why wasn't I a cockroach (so I could be killed off easily) or something. if jig saw were to kidnap me and make me fight for my life I wouldn't even do anything I think I'll just lay there and wait for everything to end the world is crap there isn't anything to live for a aaaaaa. most days I'm fine (recently), like I don't think too much about what i should be doing or the things I could've been doing or what I want to actually do. Coasting thru life somehow helped but now gahhhhh it's tiring to have to drag yourself to function like any other human being. The pressure is prolly coming from my job. What even is this job. 

I don't even feel like crying I'm just... Sooooooooo tiredddddddddddddddddddddd.......

Like if someone would offer me to work for a week and get paid twice the amount I'd normally earn in that span of time VS. sleeping for a week, maybe take a leave from work, even if the latter's just unpaid time off, I'll take sleeping any day. But alas, this bitch is poor, with no fallback if she were to lose her job.

Mirisi lagi kapuya oi kapoy kapoy kapoy di na ko di na ko di na ko di na koooooo

U know how there are so many people I could point a finger at for this shitfest of a life but what for anyway. As much as I know that I deserve a better life, whatever anyone's done to me is all in the past, and that better life I want is something I'll have to work for alone. I could view this with a different lens and think that I have total control over my life and my decisions, but goddamnit it is tiring and it is lonely and the days are slow and it is lonely.  fuck the adults and fuck their horrible decisions and fuck them for not living up to whatever they started. wag kasing mag aanak kung tatanga tanga. 

Yucks I sound like a teenage kid in her rebellious phase I hate it

I wish I lived a normal life. I really wish I lived a normal life. I don't care much anymore about becoming brilliant or contributing something significant to the world. I just want to live in my tiny bubble and mind my own business.

I don't ask for wealth. I just need something stable.

And ok. Fine.

It would be nice to actually have a home.

I mean, if I'm still not gonna die in 20 years then why not make me happy or something. Ang walang puso ng mundo.

Wala na kayong binigay sa akin, lahat kinuha niyo. Lahat pinagkait niyo. Ano ba ako, just another story of resilience for people to marvel at? I don't need their approving looks and them praising me for my ~guts~ and drive (that's barely there) and tenacity. Because fuck you, hindi nakakabusog ang tenacity. Tenacity is just you trying to live another day gutom ka man o hindi.

I don't need another "You're so strong, Athena, for having survived all that."

I hate it. I hate the word potential. I hate being told I have potential.

I don't care about not being remembered. I'm completely fine with becoming just another girl in your yearbook photos. I just want to have a home in that street you always forget the name of. Give me the most boring life there is—I'll take that over this rollercoaster—And I'll be thanking you many times over. I will be thanking you to the grave if need be.

Most people on dating apps say they'd rather be weird and all that cool shit, but weird means different, and different means unpredictability, and fuck, I've had enough of that. Pero may klase pa ako. Mantakin mo 'yon, kahit pag-ngawa mo, kailangang i-schedule. Hahaha ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ such is life.

Oh, and in case those planning to sue me are still around here, I still mean my apology, and I hope you're all happy. Truly, I do. Your lives are none of my concern now. I care about my misery more than yours and your joys.

In other news, I miss kantot.

 i wish i could go back to when the days were simpler, but even that seems impossible because ive always carried this sadness with me for as long as i remember. 

why do i have to keep telling myself im happy? im happy im happy im happy am i really happy or am i just convincing myself? is this it?

 taena ang lungkot gusto ko bumili ng cake kaso wala naman ako mapaglalagyan o kahati anyway gusto ko nang lumabas para kumain ng matamis dapat pala lumabas na ako kanina pero ayoko rin lumabas at the same time

habadu to me

 Okay, I took a bath today. Here's hoping it improves my mood. I'm also wearing my favorite t-shirt. :) So far it's working a bit. 

I think there's a problem with my bathroom though, there's always a puddle of water by the toilet. :(( I'll have to ask my landlord about that. 

Sigh, it seems lik eI'm back to square one. I don't even know again what to do. I just feel overwhelmingly lonely. I don't remember when I last cried, but do I ever remember? I'm sure I've cried last month. Maybe not last week, but sometime last month for sure. I've wasted 3 hrs at work now, feeling like a floating sandwich lost in space (yet again). It's still manageable. But goddamn, being alone is lonely as fuck. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Being alone doesn't have to be lonely! It shouldn't have to be, I'm not lonely like this even when I'm alone most of the time. 

It's probably the birthday blues. 

I may have beaten the Monday blues from yesterday, but goddamn the birthday blues and the holiday blues and fuck. I hate occasions. I hate that I'm alone. I hate that my space is so small that I can't even keep a pet. Or if I did... Maybe I can get a kitten. At least, it won't bark like doggos so it won't interfere as much with my work. 

That's an idea. Yeah. 

I also need pillows. And cabinets for food. And books. 

The high from cementing my independence even further was so quick to dissipate. 

Picture this: I am seated in the middle of the room I'm renting, a tiny box I can call my very own safe space, feeling accomplished, but as I look around, I'm faced with nothing but walls. I have nothing to live for. 

It's easy to say I can live for myself, but I can't. I'm headed nowhere. I'm just floating and going where the tides take me. The waves haven't been kind, and so, I've admitted defeat. 

I still think about my pending lawsuit. It does not keep me up at night, but it's always at the back of my mind. I'm just waiting. 

I think I want to die again, but I'm not as suicidal. 

I just want to cease to exist. 

I really hate the holidays. I fucking hate the holidays. It amplifies this feeling of loneliness, because my holidays have always been like these: a. I'm alone in a sea of strangers, could be going out for the sights (but it only gets me sad, honestly) b. I'm staying over a friend's house (because I have an awful family <3) c. I'm with my mother's side of the family, and I'm the only one without a mom or dad with her, and there's an invisible line between me and them, or; d. I'm drinking alone in my room with the lights out. 

I'm a fucking loser. I'm gonna die one. I hate the holidays, I remember how last year I was fucking alone, and my ex was fucking someone else. Fuck it. I'm crying. Channel Orange in the background isn't helping. Lol. 

It's true what they say about how jokes are half-meant. At least in my case, they are. And I joke about asking to be adopted often. I'm fucking sad. 

One of the good things I remember was my former landlady giving me some carbonara last year. That was awfully sweet. I remember my best friend from high school taking me in and taking care of my drunk ass everytime I sleep over, her family saying I'm always welcome to crash at their place. I remember one high school classmate who offered to exchange gifts with me, we ditched the class christmas exchange gift and but we exchanged presents. He also hung out in the cemetery with me, and told me he enjoyed the peace and solemnity of the place. 

I want to be held, g-sauce lord. 

I'm turning 23, and what kind of person am I? A fucking joke. 

Guess what, I fucking created another profile on that Dating thing on Facebook, but I can't even bring myself to swipe. I just wanted to find a place where I can lie down and have someone snuggle me, jesus lord. I feel so sad. I'm deleting that profile at lunch. 

Gusto kong magkaroon ng malubhang sakit tapos matagpuan na lang bangkay ko dito sa kwarto ko, pwede ba yun? 

Hoy, sa kung sino ka mang nagbabasa (if you do exist), DO NOT for the love of Millic's bone structure, misunderstand me. I am not dying to be in a relationship. I know I'm not cut out for it, or maybe not yet, maybe not ever, that's the least of my worries right now. I'd worry more about money more than getting a guy. Ni wala nga akong makitang bahid ng libog sa sistema ko, or if it does come, it's nothing more than a fleeting feeling and is very easy to satiate. (Another reason why it's hard to look for guys because most of them, if not all, love sex so much). Maybe there really is something wrong with me for not being into sex as much as the others. I don't know. 

What I think I need is companionship. 'Tis all. 

Fuck. I'm turning 23. 

Here's me trying to use an eyeliner and this glittery eyeshadow pencil I got from Miniso. It cute, but I'm not cute. I wish I were pretty, but even makeup cannot salvage my blah and boring face. 

I wanna paint the walls of my room now. </3

~***~

I mostly drink to make myself feel. Imagine a kind of sadness where you can't even bring yourself to consume alcohol. I have no energy to watch even the fluff rom-coms I've been following these days or binge on the short films from Pista. I'm wishing I could be a flea and instantly die. 

 Nag sink in sa akin na mag-isa lang ako sa coming holidays, even on my birthday. Ni hindi pwedeng gumala.

Iniimagine ko nang nakakulong lang ako sa kwarto ko tas iiyak mag-isa. Ni wala akong ganang manood nung short films dun sa film festival ngayon.

:'>

Iniisip ko na lang ngayong I'm more than these emotions. Kinakaya pa naman. 

Kung sino ka man, sana okay ka lang.