Why are we all not some rich heiress or someone who can afford to be jobless for at least a year and go ~soul-searching~ or whatever the fuck that is

To be fair, I brought this upon myself but ALL OTHER OPTIONS were just as crappy? I've had a hard time staying in one job before this one, and I thought that wouldn't happen again when I finally stayed for a year (even 2 yrs) in this company. Why can't humans hibernate for a long period of time  like some animals. Heck why am I even human huhu why wasn't I a cockroach (so I could be killed off easily) or something. if jig saw were to kidnap me and make me fight for my life I wouldn't even do anything I think I'll just lay there and wait for everything to end the world is crap there isn't anything to live for a aaaaaa. most days I'm fine (recently), like I don't think too much about what i should be doing or the things I could've been doing or what I want to actually do. Coasting thru life somehow helped but now gahhhhh it's tiring to have to drag yourself to function like any other human being. The pressure is prolly coming from my job. What even is this job. 

I don't even feel like crying I'm just... Sooooooooo tiredddddddddddddddddddddd.......

Like if someone would offer me to work for a week and get paid twice the amount I'd normally earn in that span of time VS. sleeping for a week, maybe take a leave from work, even if the latter's just unpaid time off, I'll take sleeping any day. But alas, this bitch is poor, with no fallback if she were to lose her job.

Mirisi lagi kapuya oi kapoy kapoy kapoy di na ko di na ko di na ko di na koooooo

U know how there are so many people I could point a finger at for this shitfest of a life but what for anyway. As much as I know that I deserve a better life, whatever anyone's done to me is all in the past, and that better life I want is something I'll have to work for alone. I could view this with a different lens and think that I have total control over my life and my decisions, but goddamnit it is tiring and it is lonely and the days are slow and it is lonely.  fuck the adults and fuck their horrible decisions and fuck them for not living up to whatever they started. wag kasing mag aanak kung tatanga tanga. 

Yucks I sound like a teenage kid in her rebellious phase I hate it

I wish I lived a normal life. I really wish I lived a normal life. I don't care much anymore about becoming brilliant or contributing something significant to the world. I just want to live in my tiny bubble and mind my own business.

I don't ask for wealth. I just need something stable.

And ok. Fine.

It would be nice to actually have a home.

I mean, if I'm still not gonna die in 20 years then why not make me happy or something. Ang walang puso ng mundo.

Wala na kayong binigay sa akin, lahat kinuha niyo. Lahat pinagkait niyo. Ano ba ako, just another story of resilience for people to marvel at? I don't need their approving looks and them praising me for my ~guts~ and drive (that's barely there) and tenacity. Because fuck you, hindi nakakabusog ang tenacity. Tenacity is just you trying to live another day gutom ka man o hindi.

I don't need another "You're so strong, Athena, for having survived all that."

I hate it. I hate the word potential. I hate being told I have potential.

I don't care about not being remembered. I'm completely fine with becoming just another girl in your yearbook photos. I just want to have a home in that street you always forget the name of. Give me the most boring life there is—I'll take that over this rollercoaster—And I'll be thanking you many times over. I will be thanking you to the grave if need be.

Most people on dating apps say they'd rather be weird and all that cool shit, but weird means different, and different means unpredictability, and fuck, I've had enough of that. Pero may klase pa ako. Mantakin mo 'yon, kahit pag-ngawa mo, kailangang i-schedule. Hahaha ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ such is life.

Oh, and in case those planning to sue me are still around here, I still mean my apology, and I hope you're all happy. Truly, I do. Your lives are none of my concern now. I care about my misery more than yours and your joys.

In other news, I miss kantot.