I forgot to add, and idk why, but when they prayed bago kumain, Matt squeezed my hand. That felt like a special moment to me.

Let me try to capture exactly how I feel everytime I get in this kind of mood. I feel glued to my bed. I know I have commitments today, but honestly, I feel so scared to go out. I'm hiding from my landlord right now because I'm scared of being confronted, he messaged me to look for another housing for my pet. 

I'm hoping for what they call a deux ex machina. 

In other news, I've met with my boyfriend's parents and I hope it truly went well. I don't want to assume or be fully at ease.

Photos from that day:

I look pretty here.

We cute or whatever.

Ini-story nya na ako. Wieee! 

Cute ng card nila! Very Birch Tree ad vibes, I tell you.

I also want to flex this note Matt gave me on our anniv.

Feedback daw

And my favorite—his reaction to my gift. I'm glad he recorded it. I'm so happy he looked so happy here kahit na na-annoy siya sa dami ng tape hahaha

When I start to feel not okay and then it begins to rub off on the other aspects of my life, it's all these that reminds me of what he means when he asks me kung kailan ba magiging sapat na kami pa. Mas naiintindihan ko na sya. 

Also met up with Airene and nag exchange gift kami sa clinic habang kumukuha ako ng medical certificate. 

Nag-lotto! 

Habang eto naman si Bebu na well-behaved.

I feel sad. I just don't hang around too much so that I don't spiral down. But I really do. 

 I feel sad. I'm trying my hardest not to stumble and break down. A lot of things seem pointless. I wish I could make a lot of things happen with a flicker of a wand or a blink of an eye. 

 I'm tired and sad, and I'm just lucky I have the rest of the year to distract me and help me cope until it ends. 

 I didn't expect this from Jenna 🥲 To be acknowledged means a lot? It feels nice, but I'm also embarrassed because I don't feel or think I am? I'm okay with being decent or competent, but to be the best would be a stretch. I'm thankful she sees me and doesn't think I'm a nuisance. I'm happy that I'm helping the team instead of pulling them down, because I see myself as a nuisance most of the time. Madalas talaga pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. I'll relish in this feeling while it lasts. 

Binati ako ng mama ni Matt over the phone, IM SO SHY

👉👈

I went over my messages with Cecille our general manager again today and had a good cry about it. 

Gnite 

A little over a year ago, I was looking for cheap burial options. Right now, I'm wide awake binge watching The Haunting of Hill House and feeling so lucky, thank the heavens, for my boyfriend. This love makes me maybe want to start believing in a god again because there's nothing else I can think of to be grateful towards.

My heart hurt deeply and I wept over Luke's episode. It gave me a grasp on understanding what my mom and relatives did when I stepped in their home. I'm not yet fully sure what to make of that, but I think it will be helpful in easing the resentment out of my system and my life. 

I want to read and write again. I'm not sure if I've ever said that out loud over the past years, because all I've known is the shame in not being good enough. Admitting this now feels good. Wanting things feels good, even with the possibility of never getting it at all. 

A small part of me is worried about the crash after this high is done, but as with all ebbs and flows, I'll ride out this wave until the next. 

Good morning.

Here are my current favorites. 

Ang hirap labanan ng lason. Nakakasira ng bait. I've been cheated on before. Ang hirap kalaban ang sarili. 

 Di naman nya ako namimiss. Okay na to kasi lugi lang din naman ako. 

I always long for my guy but I feel like we're just sexually incompatible. That's sad. Sa simula lang magaling. Baka nga bothered pa rin ako sa nakita ko. 

 

I was feeling lighthearted and a bit uplifted and now I'm sad and frustrated because why do things have to be so hard why can't we have just one good day why can't things work out for everyone why do things have to push us against each other if everyone means well for everyone else. If I'm really the bad person I think of nothing but maybe the need to be gone. I don't necessarily mean off-ing myself, but just somewhat gone. Maybe disintegrate. 

I have things to be grateful for, and I am. I haven't decided yet if they outweigh all these. Should they?

The end of a clock's ticking doesn't stop time. 

 It's interesting how everyone thinks they're the main characters of their own stories and think we're all just doing the right and best thing we can given our circumstances. Naisip ko lang. 

Ang lesson natin today is to shut up. Never again. I do not want drama. Huhuhu, gosh. Eto na huli. Lol. Ayoko na tanginang yan. 

Sisterhood is amazing. 

If you've been completely brainwashed, then you should know by now that male-female romantic relationships are doomed to fail—

Men aren't wired to be soft and emotional, and women have always been taught that romance is the norm in all good relationships.

The entire journey is a matter of going against what has been ingrained in our heads. 

Okay ang dapat kong igoogle is paano maging jowa ng unromantic na jowa. 

I hate my bday. Hahaha. Wala akong maisip na magawang masaya nun, wala ding maisip si Matt. Magmumukmok na lang guro ako. Pinag-iisipan ko pa rin yung kay Gianna. It would be nice to be made to feel special on days like that, or even at all. I don't feel special to my boyfriend. Hahahaha. I'm just tired of not receiving the same energy. 

I'm all for being great friends with your significant other, but it's a bit too early for us to be acting like a long-term couple right now when we haven't been together for a year. He never bothers to try thinking. What sets me apart from his friends? He comes here? Yeah, and when he doesn't? Anong difference namin sa friends with benefits with this? 

Para ba akong walang interest kaya ganun ako kahirap bigyan? Kasi nakikinig ako sa'yo tas dun ako kumukuha ng ideas. Baka nga hollow akong tao. Tangina, nagsabi nga ako last year na kahit unan lang eh. Hahaha la pa rin. 

Kung kinaya nya para sa iba, di na nya kaya para sa akin? It's not like I want it all the time. Di na nya ako tinutweet, di na siya nagsasabing he wants to fuck me. 

Matt said he misses me. Hindi ko alam bakit, pero parang nainis lang ako. Hindi ako naniniwala. Hahaha. Okay naman kami, pero parang nairita lang ako dun.

Anyway, ang weird ng dream ko. Nanaginip akong parang nasa kulto ako tapos may ginagawa kami para yung existing na pera sa laro ma-convert namin into real money, di ko sure if nagnanakaw ba kami ng identity, but it's illegal stuff. Tapos nagpool party daw kami nung mga kasama ko kaso abusado daw sila kasi iniwan nila akong mag-isang nagliligpit.

I miss you ka pa nga hahaha o tamo active now naman pero wala hahaha oh well akoy matutulog na lang

Priority nya pala pamilya nya. Magda-dalawang taon na siya sa work nya and never nya pang nalilibre silang kumain sa labas. You know what? I can't fault him for that. I get it. Money really is a big issue huh. 

Matthew wag magbasa ng diary challenge

Eme I don't think he does it's just that I'm not sure why but he just gets it hahaah see? This is why I love him this is so much he shouldn't even be doing this but I'm thankful for it. It does help. 

I'm not sure if I believe in God yet, but there's only that to thank, and I'm thankful for Matt.

Anyway nanaginip ako kagabing nagsimba daw ako pero late na ako dumating, as in pag upo ko nagsipalakpakan na mga tao tapos nakita daw ako mama ni Matthew tapos thank goodness nagising akong kabado haha tas nagmanhid ulit tas nag-improve mood ko ngayon. 

He doesn't have to do this, I swear. I love him regardless. Hindi ko naman ihahanay sarili ko sa pamilya nya or even make it a choice between me and them, I'm all for him pampering his family first. I wish I have that nga rin eh, but I can only remain at a distance from mine so 🥲

I feel abandoned and left out, I guess. I feel patronized when my boss apologized for not being around so much recently. She shouldn't have apologized, imo. I know she means well, that's why I'm not taking it against her. It just felt like rubbing salt on the wound. I always know naman na she's busy so it's not even that big of a deal. Siguro gumatong lang siya sa upsetting feeling ko. Tapos nag-usap kami about how we always do stuff for everyone in the team when there's an occasion, which I like! Pero may mali. They never did that for me. Kaya I feel like a middle child.

I tried to talk with Kuya Jasper about something I was sad about back then, pero I don't think he really understood when I tried opening up kaya I didn't proceed further na lang. Felt like I was shrugged off lang din.

Oo, ang petty talaga nito.

No one really does things like that for me. I just have myself. Natatawa akong isipin ngayon kasi nagcall kami ni Matt, tapos nung sinabi kong I'll just be self-sufficient, sabi niya di niya gusto yun. I'm not fully sure if he's only referring dun sa pinakakinaiinisan nyang nangyayari or in general ba, pero natawa lang akong umangal siya dun sa sinabi ko about being independent, when everytime, I'm just forced to be this way. I've been neglected a lot, so I've had to make do with it.

I'll do my best to never cry in front of him or let him hear it. After that bad fight, sorry pero dala-dala ko pa rin yun. I still feel like I'll only be mocked. 

I've been feeling so so sad lately. I don't know how to turn it around. 

Nabastusan din ako dun sa nangyari last time and the lack of acknowledgement, kaya yeah. Ayoko munang mag-elaborate. Ayokong pumasok, honestly. 

I feel sad. I feel like a middle child. No one does things for me just because. No "hey this reminded me of you" stuff. I'd love to elaborate further, pero ayoko na. I'm not solely talking about my romantic relationship. 

Elo. Ako'y tinotoyo lang pala. Masayang maligo at kumain. 

I think I'm just the safe choice. 

He doesn't desire me like that. I don't care for porn consumption, because I do too. But when it sucks desire out of you that's supposedly for your partner? Yeah, that sucks.

Sawa na siya sa akin. He's only here because he's honoring our commitment, which I appreciate, but I don't feel like he truly, truly loves me still. 

He's scared of me. I don't believe he still desires me. I'm just a routine.

Ang daya. I feel immensely sad. 

Gets ko na hahahaha I love Matt and we're ok but like katulad ngayon, iniisip nyang manood sa sinehan mag-isa and I'm all for that too but I wish maisip nya ding manood "kami". Ganun. I want to do those things too. Pero eh. Napapaisip lang ako kasi may nag-aaya sa aking mag-Mt. Pulag. Originally, mga bandang Komiket dapat sya kaso for some reason, yung sched ng akyat, malapit na sa birthday ko. I want to spend that with Matt din, kaso mukhang wala naman kaming balak. Busy din naman siya sa work ata nun. Hindi ko rin siya maaya sa Komiket kasi ewan. Ayokong nang ayain si Matt hahaha. Siguro yung mga ganyang ganap pang birthday nya lang. I mean gumagastos na lang din naman kami kasi. Ni ayaw nya akong samahan sa SM magpagawa ng salamin para makalabas man lang. Ayaw niya maglakad sa labas onti para mangukay. Like there are things to do, there can be places to explore. We don't have to spend so much, wherever is always quality time naman with him, don't get me wrong. Masaya din naman ako pag nasa loob kami. Pero la lang. Like ano yun, di naman nya ata ako kinakahiya. Alam ko namang hindi. Pero yung ganitong kilos kasi, pang ganung galawan kasi yun. 

Siguro kasi buong buhay ko nagkukulong ako kaya gusto ko sanang lumabas with someone I want to. Hindi ako galit or upset at all. Napapaisip lang. Siguro, sana hindi na lang sana siya ever nagsabi nung mga "gagawin namin 'to, gagawin naman 'yan" kasi nag-expect at na-excite tuloy akong game siya. Nag-aya pa siya dating mag-Baywalk. May pag-build up pa siyang mahilig siyang maglakad. O tuturuan nya akong magbike. 

I'm sure I can do it alone, pero andyan kasi siya eh? I've been doing things alone for a long time now, it would be nice to have the company of someone I love during? Those things aren't even new experiences, but they're new because of him. There'll be new jokes to share, new flops to laugh at, ganun.

We're gonna sleep, we'll have sex, we're going to enjoy, we're going to eat, watch a movie, talk about the movie, maybe make jokes about the movie, we're gonna lie down for a bit and listen to nice songs, it's going to be comfortable, he's gonna go. I might send him off. And that's it till the next one.

I can't say I'm bored because I'm not but I really just want to do something different. I don't want to be bored. 

I mean, he can say bakit di ako magsabi if may plano ako. Lagi naman nyang ayaw. We've never had drinks together. Ang dami pa naming di nagagawa together. Eh. Idk. I can't say it's incompatibility kasi I love Matt I love his mind. I love his person. I love his body. I love his skin. I love his nose. I love his voice. I love his honesty. I love his patience. 

It's really him or no one else. It's more of like I'm just his stuffed toy. 

I mean like fuck, I miss nung PG-13 stuff nya ako in public? I mean it's not solely or mostly the main reason but ugh this isn't weird right

Sana may ma-submit akong poem by Monday. 

Hindi ko gets yung computation ni Matthew dito haha huhu info overload ako. I'm just in love. 

 Kinilig at natawa naman ako dito 

Do you really exist or am I just insane?

He's probably mad. Idek why. I was thinking of him. Ang unfair nitong "he fell first, she fell harder" shit. 

I'm thinking all sort of thoughts like leaving my phone behind when I head to work. Will I survive? 

Idk if he's mad. 

I still feel sick. Man.

Where's the affection. Funny how he says he's a romantic, but can't be like that for his girlfriend. 

Gets ko namang may ebb and flow ang relationships, I'm just tired of wondering if I'm really loved or just tolerated. He can't even say outright if he still wants to be with me or not. When I asked last time, I still had to fill in the blanks myself. He kept pushing the burden of answering to me.

I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself on somebody. I never had to, kaya nga I even left the people I'm related to by blood. Why am I being made to feel this way again... 

I get that I'm insecure and very much so, but I always feel like I'll never live up to the other people he used to love. I'll never be whatever adjective enough, and he's just too casual and doesn't care so much. He can just lose me and not bat an eye. 

I feel like we're just here because I'm the convenient choice. I'll see in a few days if this goes on.

Tomorrow, as in once the clock strikes twelve, would be a year from the day he first asked me out, I just realized. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking too, because I have the time now. 

Okay, you're fast.

I don't care anymore whether you get to read the whole thing or not. 

Here's a song.

And another one. 

Do you really exist or am I just insane? 

I smell like a sick person. 

But you know, I keep thinking about when he said he doesn't like the feeling pag di niya raw nagagawa yung gusto ko. Is that his way of saying he loves me? I don't like the idea na he feels awful, that's driving me nuts din. Ewan ko kung may magandang dulot pa ba ako sa buhay nya. I was lusting after him the entire half of my day yesterday. 

I'll just give him space. I feel like I'm just being a burden. That's what he wants anyway. It's always easy for him to drop me until I can't take it and then spiral, instead of just telling me whether it's because of me or not, even without the specifics. 

Pakiramdam ko, nag-iipon na naman siya ng hinanakit at resentment imbes na pera. 

I'm even worried baka nagbabasa siya dito. I mean, I thought this is where I can dump my unprocessed thoughts? Weren't we supposed to be okay? 

I still see him as worth it. I'm not sure he still feels the same way about me. Maybe this will pass. Maybe this isn't something to take personally. I'll just take it until I can't. Eye-opening din naman yung sinabi niya about letting things go. He needs to lessen that, while I need to learn more of it. 

Okay, so hindi daw ako. 

 Okay last one. It's me. Pinoproject ko kawalan ko ng hobby sa kanya. I mean, yeah, I won't complain if he does anything special. But right now we're okay. Honestly, I should really be okay with this kasi this is what relationships really are on the regular. Hindi laging may mangyayaring special. We talked and he even picked me over the friends he was gonna play with, that means A LOT. I really just wanted his company din. So yeah. I wish makuha ko yung nabanggit ko sa kanya. Ang bilis mo ulit magbasa? 

I still feel sick I keep throwing up.

I'll just keep writing here. Imagine if I told him this immediately? It would've started another fight again that I could've gotten over with on my own

Okay na sinusumpong nga lang ako. Naghahanap na lang ako kasama sa komiket. Or baka secret other plan if keri. Bat ang bilis mo magbasa Im forced to start a new post tuloy emi 

I wonder from time to time tho if my boyfriend would do anything special for me. I should get this off my head kasi I shouldn't expect. He's okay naman eh. But idk. 

Can't hang out and go out and do fun things with anyone. I feel sad. So I waste it all away on food. And whatever. I want to see other people, not the people I see on the daily. I love them too, but ?????

I can't seem to find people to do new and fun things with. What a lonely life. Boyfriend even suggests plans to others that he otherwise wouldn't do with me. I was thinking it felt like I'm just a stuffed toy he hugs when he's in bed or chilling at home, not an entire person to exist with. Okay naman na sana, we had already agreed na there's nothing wrong with staying in. I guess it just sucks na that's all we ever do, and he used to say all the things we could do and try, and we never do it anyway. I get naman though na nakakapagod yung commute palang papunta dito, so di ko alam ano fix. Ako rin naman galing work lol.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten used to things outside of solitude. 

Baka sinusumpong lang din ako. Sana lumipas na 'to. 

I'm also sick. I feel worse. I've had cough syrup but I still don't feel sleepy. I just wish to doze off until it's another day again. I wish for the year to end already. It's tempting to down the whole bottle, honestly. I just don't want to be this wide awake right now.

I'm close to reaching 666 posts.

I'm thinking of deleting all my social media accounts. I don't feel like it would matter anyway. 

 Na-appreciate ko yung pagna-nag ni Andeng sa akin na magpayong ako kasi baka mabinat ako at pati yung pag-offer ni Loys ng wet wipes kasi pawis na pawis daw ako.

Pagod na ako, hays. Pwede pa ba akong mag-rant dito? 

I feel weird. 

 Unconditional love, huh. 

It's been one heartbreaking thing after another. I think I have to let go of Bebu for good this time.

Parang nagsisisi akong di ko masusunod si Aj muna. Sana nakinig muna ako sa kanya bago ako nangratrat at naghanap. May kukuha na kasi kay Bebu sa Sabado. Nahihiya akong umatras na. Tsaka totoo naman, hanggang kailan pa ganito? Lagi silang magbabanta? Baka ako ang mawalan ng matitirhan nito. 

Ayoko lang talagang mangayayat ng sobra si Bebu. Sana yung kukupkop, habaan din pasensya nya. I love this dog so much and wouldn't give her up if housing isn't an issue.

It's heartwarming how she shared she had to say I'm her daughter. It feels nice. 

Nakita ko ring di ko pala pwede iwanan si Bebu sa tatay ko kasi, 2nd heartbreaking thing, eto na itsura ng bahay sa Batangas—

Bahay nga, inabandona, aso pa kaya. Hindi ako kumpyansa. Pero in a way, mainam na ring I was led to look for my father's info because, 3rd heartbreaking thing, he doesn't look that well. Here's a pic from a few days ago based on a mini-investigation.

Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko.

All my life, I was reminded again and again of how relationships are fleeting, even the ones you'd expect to stick. I feel like an anomaly, like may kulang o mali sa akin. I'm about to lose my dog, the only other living being that's my constant.

My mom still hasn't spoken to me, and has probably decided to disown me too, and idk what to do about my dad. I don't know which is better, losing your peace or carrying the guilt of abandoning someone very important. There doesn't seem to be a way to win at all. 

I just want a place where I can rest easy and grow my roots, but I can't seem to have that in this life. Reyn said this is the life where all I have to do is just heal. I think of my dad and I'm back to disliking myself. 

I just want a home, you know? I just want someplace that I know will always be there for me no matter what. I feel like I always have to carry my own weight in this life, like I always need to be ready to leave anytime because there's no place I can stay. I can't reminisce on my childhood, because there's not much to look back on. My memories are fuzzy, and any physical reminder of it wasn't handled with care by the people who I thought would.

I could die and be gone in this world, and leave no significant trace that I ever existed. 

I don't want different. I just want a quiet, boring life, with boring, stereotypical drama. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I can't be walking on eggshells my entire life. 

Sucks not to have a family. 

I hate my landlord. 

And sana hindi maging hesitant si Matt mag-vent sa akin. Di naman ako nahatak ng problema nya. I'm all for hearing thoughts other than my own. Keeps me from spiralling din. 

I wish I didn't have to give Bebu up. Matt's even open to getting used to her already. 

My current faves:

One

Two

Three

Four

 I feel so lonely.

And so is everyone else. I just want to be okay again please. 

Dahil ang bilis mong magbasa dear viewer gagawin kong bagong post na lang kasi papansin ako. Na-realize kong ang deserve ko pala eh yung simp para sa akin. Hindi naman bobo na walang utak bc ew, but just someone who adores me and makes it felt and known. I like corny. I like cheesy. Why can't we act dumb with and for our significant others, right... pero yung may respeto pa rin sa boundaries ok my gosh

Ayun lang naman. 

Eto ang current favorite ko hehe I'm sorry I know it's been a while. Thanks for still dropping by. 

Nakakamiss na may nilalandi. Nakakalandi mood kasi yang kantang yan for me. Gusto ko lang mag slow dancing kahit na di ako marunong sumayaw or may kadikit lang basically tapos ramdam ko lang siya sa tabi ko. Wala akong finafantasize na tao na may maganitong moment, jowa ko lang minsan kaso di ko malandi jowa ko for some reason, not because I don't want to. Parang naging komportable na lang kami sa isa't isa. I know may maganda at pangit sa ganyan. Okay lang naman siya for me right now. Bago lang din naman yung feeling na ganito, kasi it's not like I've had long relationships. I've always been quick to drop out of relationships at the slightest hint of a lull, so this is foreign. Believe me. I'm seeing how it's not a bad thing, okay?

I just wish for those moments pa rin every once in a while. Pero di naman like yearning ko talaga siya. Okay naman ako right now. Di naman mabigat puso ko dahil diyan or malungkot ba, promise. Kalma lang ako. 

Tama rin nga si Matt sa lagi nyang sinasabing wag problemahin yung mga hindi pa problema. Kailangan ko rin 'tong itatak sa kokote ko. Galing galing ng utak ko mag-isip eh.

Sana mag-work out lahat for the best. Gusto ko lang gumaan pakiramdam ko kahit konti please. Ang hirap magdusa. Ang hirap maging mahirap, grabe. 

What a day

Nagstart na talaga yung araw na weird. Ang lamog ng utak ko for some reason. Jhoanna and I had a misunderstanding, but we both realized later on na she's not at her best today and so was I. Tapos today na rin inannounce kung sinong napiling maging manager sa kanilang dalawa ni Andrea and ang hirap kasi you can't be fully happy for a friend without rubbing it in the other one's face.

Hindi ko alam kung may dadatnan ba akong message na galit or pikpn si Matt paggising ko. Either way, bahala na. Ganun talaga eh. 

Pagod na ako sa buhay ko. I want to do something to feel alive. 

Hindi na ako magiging pabigat

I want to say and share a lot of things, but I suppose the lesson to be learned now is to do less of that. I've muttered "Hindi na ako magiging pabigat" to myself while we talked in the morning, everytime I saw his picture, while I folded my laundry, took a bath, until I fell asleep. Hindi na ako magiging pabigat. 

Nahihiya na akong mahalin si Matt. Nahihiya na akong mag-take up ng space sa buhay nya. Pakiramdam ko, wala nang makakapagtama ng mga nagawa ko. Parang di na ako kapata-patawad. Lagi kong naalalang nasaktan ko siya tapos nalulungkot akong nagawa ko yun. Nahihiya na akong iparamdam sa kanya yung existence ko kasi pakiramdam ko, constant reminder lang ako na nasaktan ko siya. Ako lang naman yung pilit ng pilit sa kanya. Hindi ko mapatawad yung sarili ko. 

Ayoko nang i-burden siya with my life and with my presence. Gusto ko lang namang bumalik kami dun sa panahong okay kami tapos walang nagkikimkin, pero ngayon, pakiramdam ko, pabigat na lang ako sa kanya.

Lagi naman nyang gustong makipaghiwalay na. Baka tyina-tiyaga na lang ako. Ayoko talagang maging pabigat. Kaya nga ako mag-isa eh. Ako lang naman yung pilit nang pilit. Ang hirap magmatigas, pero kailangan ko nang sanayin sarili ko para di ako malunod sa lungkot sa dulo. Pakiramdam ko hindi niya na ako mapapatawad, hindi ko sinasabing entitled ako dun, hindi ko siya sinisisi. Lagi kong iniisip na galit siya sa akin. 

Siguro, pagod na akong maging pabigat.

Promise, hindi na nya malalaman pag umiyak ako. 

Pag ako bawal magsumbat ng mga dating kasalanan, pero pag siya ge lang. Gets kong paulit-ulit, pero akala ko may agreement kaming magsasabi siya pag nakikita nyang

Wala pa pala ko kain buong araw kebs diet 

Ang unfair nga rin. Bakit ako yung mukhang may kasalanan lang? Bakit ako yung may expectation na magcommunicate lagi? Bakit pag sya na di nagcocommunicate agad, kailangan ako yung makaramdam? Bakit siya lang pwede maging dense? Hindi naman ako nangunguwenta ayokong manguwenta kaya di ko sasabihin na lang tsaka wala naman ambag sa relationship.

Pero pa-vent na lang. 

Tsaka bakit ba, sabihin na nating umiyak ako kasi nag worry akong nawala siya for a while. Ginamit nya pa against sa akin na nagshare akong umiyak ako, PERO. MALI. BA. AKO? Hindi! Hindi ko guni-guning something really was wrong. Sa tagal kong sinasabi yun, ngayon nya lang sinabing may problema pala sya dun? Parang nagiging nitpicky na lang din siya eh.

Anong aayos kaya dito maliban sa ayusin pa sarili ko. 

Bakit ako lang yung matigas ang ulo? Siya rin naman. Ayokong magalit eh, I wanna take the high road and be the bigger person pero ang lala din ng sumpong nya. Lahat pinag-aawayan. Ang iritable nya rin. May ganun din ako, pero hindi ko alam kung aware ba siya na ang iritable nya rin. Umaamin ako pag na-realize ko mali ko eh. Paano din mapag-uuspan nang maayos eh ang init ng ulo nya. Tama nga siya. Siya nga mainitin ang ulo. Tangina, kahit sa akin no? Kasi parang feeling nya siya yung tama at ako yung mali at siya lang yung nagpapasensya. 

Sa ngayon, sabi nya, sapat na yung nasa relationship kami para maging kampante sya. Panghahawakan ko 'to ah. Sige. I'll give him his space. 

Binabasa ko 'to atm. 

i was having a breakdown i wish matt was here im sorry i feel sad listening to this song bc ive annoyed him and made him doubt if hes enough i have to remember to avoid self fulfilling prophecies bc i seem to have forgotten. madaming tinotolerate si matt sa akin para hindi ko to itolerate din. hes always trying hes still here. he still says he loves me. thats enough. ang lala ng pagka insecure ko i should fix this. 

ive been singing the entire morning na lang

 Dumaan akong SM kanina kasi naglalakad ako pauwi from office. Naalala ko nung bigla na lang akong kiniss ni Matt hahaha kasi ang nice nung tinambayan namin. Kailan kaya ulit hays

Also, I was going over the photos on my phone and hehe nag away kami ni Matt nung nakaraan kasi sabi ko ang tagal na naming di nagkikita, I was under the impression we last saw each other nung July 2. Kaya I've been asking how we could have let that go on for that long. Man.

We saw each other last July 29. Barely even month since. I'm so sorry Matt. Can we just laugh it off I was dumb it was dumb.

I do miss him tho. 

 I miss Matt. 

I think I deserve to be alone. Wala pa rin akong ganang kumain. PC won't turn on. Matt is mad and we're not on good terms.

 

Fav song atm

 What a life. 

In all the times na may hindi kami pagkakaintidihan ni Matt, I have nothing negative to tell him. Swerte ko talaga sa kanya. 

I wonder if he still wants me. 

I need a new hobby to enrich my mind and keep off these thoughts from my head. 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

All can I think of are ways to kill myself. And that I really, really, really want to die already. I don't see a future for myself. I don't see things ending any other way. I'm super mean. I'm an asshole. I'm brash.  I'm impulsive. I don't know half the things I say, and yet I still say them. I'm a waste of space. 

I say I'll clean up after my clothes, and my clothes are still where they are months after months. Next thing you know, it's almost been two months already. My clothes are on the floor or in the laundry bag more often than they are in my drawers. 

I see myself in these garments that are strewn everywhere, just searching for their sweet spot in this shoebox of a space I've created for myself. I am also this shoebox, its walls splattered with a dark shade of grey I cannot maintain, but insisted on against my landlord's wishes for the sake of identity, as well as to replace their careless choice of green. 

This is currently my favorite song.

I like these poems. 

Bibigay na ako, parang nauupos na ako. 

Fuck, just give me a good job or please may my employment status be solid/stable. I will look into finishing my degree. I need to graduate to qualify for stuff. Like, experience-wise, I can qualify for many things. It's that I haven't graduated that disqualifies me. Ok. Before this year ends please. 

I guess it's a little sad I can't get that moral support from someone I hoped I would. 

I got lost and forgot there's a life I'm a passive, or an unwilling participant of.

I appreciate the good stuff in my life, but boy, do I feel awful. I can pick myself up this weekend, but I feel like it'll come back and I'll regress in the near future. 

Man, I Love Radiohead

I wish I still had dreams. 

I can't believe I once wanted to write. I wish I still did. And I know I've said this countless times, but I'm too big of a person to not have any desires. 

Adaptation's Meryl Streep encapsulates how I feel. 

I always mean well, and it's not always going to translate, but I always only mean well. I have no personal ambition to nurture and turn me selfish, and I believe I only take what I'm due, although I won't complain if I receive additional. 

I just want to feel alive. 

For today, I'm relieved to at least be partly out of this funk. 

I am watching The Bear as of this writing, and if this isn't the perfect song to end this entry, then I don't know what is. 

My bad, it's been a while since the last

I love Radiohead, man. 

I've skipped work for two days now. I don't know why I'm back in this place again. I'm not in a good headspace. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in limbo. 

I'm supposed to be a happy person. 

I remain awake, while you effortlessly drift into and out of slumber. I do my best to stay quiet, and then I listen. There is so much to learn from the silence. There is only so much I can learn from the silence.

I wish for us to breathe at the same time. 

 Matt and I played Pinoy Henyo Letterboxd edition. 

I had fun. I hope he did too. 

Nakita ko ulit yung how we started vs how we're doing ba yun, and thank you to the good universe for leading Matt to my direction. Man. 

It's always so fun when we hang out. I like his company. I like his smell. I always yearn to feel his skin.

He randomly kissed me at a parking lot yesterday, and it makes me feel giddy just thinking about it.

Lately, nalululong kami ni Matt sa Restaurant City. Natatawa akong isipin.