He's probably mad. Idek why. I was thinking of him. Ang unfair nitong "he fell first, she fell harder" shit.
I'm thinking all sort of thoughts like leaving my phone behind when I head to work. Will I survive?
Idk if he's mad.
I still feel sick. Man.
Where's the affection. Funny how he says he's a romantic, but can't be like that for his girlfriend.
Gets ko namang may ebb and flow ang relationships, I'm just tired of wondering if I'm really loved or just tolerated. He can't even say outright if he still wants to be with me or not. When I asked last time, I still had to fill in the blanks myself. He kept pushing the burden of answering to me.
I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself on somebody. I never had to, kaya nga I even left the people I'm related to by blood. Why am I being made to feel this way again...
I get that I'm insecure and very much so, but I always feel like I'll never live up to the other people he used to love. I'll never be whatever adjective enough, and he's just too casual and doesn't care so much. He can just lose me and not bat an eye.
I feel like we're just here because I'm the convenient choice. I'll see in a few days if this goes on.
Tomorrow, as in once the clock strikes twelve, would be a year from the day he first asked me out, I just realized.
Maybe I'm just overthinking too, because I have the time now.
Okay, you're fast.
I don't care anymore whether you get to read the whole thing or not.
Do you really exist or am I just insane?
I smell like a sick person.
But you know, I keep thinking about when he said he doesn't like the feeling pag di niya raw nagagawa yung gusto ko. Is that his way of saying he loves me? I don't like the idea na he feels awful, that's driving me nuts din. Ewan ko kung may magandang dulot pa ba ako sa buhay nya. I was lusting after him the entire half of my day yesterday.
I'll just give him space. I feel like I'm just being a burden. That's what he wants anyway. It's always easy for him to drop me until I can't take it and then spiral, instead of just telling me whether it's because of me or not, even without the specifics.
Pakiramdam ko, nag-iipon na naman siya ng hinanakit at resentment imbes na pera.
I'm even worried baka nagbabasa siya dito. I mean, I thought this is where I can dump my unprocessed thoughts? Weren't we supposed to be okay?
I still see him as worth it. I'm not sure he still feels the same way about me. Maybe this will pass. Maybe this isn't something to take personally. I'll just take it until I can't. Eye-opening din naman yung sinabi niya about letting things go. He needs to lessen that, while I need to learn more of it.
Okay, so hindi daw ako.