Sigh, it seems lik eI'm back to square one. I don't even know again what to do. I just feel overwhelmingly lonely. I don't remember when I last cried, but do I ever remember? I'm sure I've cried last month. Maybe not last week, but sometime last month for sure. I've wasted 3 hrs at work now, feeling like a floating sandwich lost in space (yet again). It's still manageable. But goddamn, being alone is lonely as fuck. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Being alone doesn't have to be lonely! It shouldn't have to be, I'm not lonely like this even when I'm alone most of the time. 

It's probably the birthday blues. 

I may have beaten the Monday blues from yesterday, but goddamn the birthday blues and the holiday blues and fuck. I hate occasions. I hate that I'm alone. I hate that my space is so small that I can't even keep a pet. Or if I did... Maybe I can get a kitten. At least, it won't bark like doggos so it won't interfere as much with my work. 

That's an idea. Yeah. 

I also need pillows. And cabinets for food. And books. 

The high from cementing my independence even further was so quick to dissipate. 

Picture this: I am seated in the middle of the room I'm renting, a tiny box I can call my very own safe space, feeling accomplished, but as I look around, I'm faced with nothing but walls. I have nothing to live for. 

It's easy to say I can live for myself, but I can't. I'm headed nowhere. I'm just floating and going where the tides take me. The waves haven't been kind, and so, I've admitted defeat. 

I still think about my pending lawsuit. It does not keep me up at night, but it's always at the back of my mind. I'm just waiting. 

I think I want to die again, but I'm not as suicidal. 

I just want to cease to exist. 

I really hate the holidays. I fucking hate the holidays. It amplifies this feeling of loneliness, because my holidays have always been like these: a. I'm alone in a sea of strangers, could be going out for the sights (but it only gets me sad, honestly) b. I'm staying over a friend's house (because I have an awful family <3) c. I'm with my mother's side of the family, and I'm the only one without a mom or dad with her, and there's an invisible line between me and them, or; d. I'm drinking alone in my room with the lights out. 

I'm a fucking loser. I'm gonna die one. I hate the holidays, I remember how last year I was fucking alone, and my ex was fucking someone else. Fuck it. I'm crying. Channel Orange in the background isn't helping. Lol. 

It's true what they say about how jokes are half-meant. At least in my case, they are. And I joke about asking to be adopted often. I'm fucking sad. 

One of the good things I remember was my former landlady giving me some carbonara last year. That was awfully sweet. I remember my best friend from high school taking me in and taking care of my drunk ass everytime I sleep over, her family saying I'm always welcome to crash at their place. I remember one high school classmate who offered to exchange gifts with me, we ditched the class christmas exchange gift and but we exchanged presents. He also hung out in the cemetery with me, and told me he enjoyed the peace and solemnity of the place. 

I want to be held, g-sauce lord. 

I'm turning 23, and what kind of person am I? A fucking joke. 

Guess what, I fucking created another profile on that Dating thing on Facebook, but I can't even bring myself to swipe. I just wanted to find a place where I can lie down and have someone snuggle me, jesus lord. I feel so sad. I'm deleting that profile at lunch. 

Gusto kong magkaroon ng malubhang sakit tapos matagpuan na lang bangkay ko dito sa kwarto ko, pwede ba yun? 

Hoy, sa kung sino ka mang nagbabasa (if you do exist), DO NOT for the love of Millic's bone structure, misunderstand me. I am not dying to be in a relationship. I know I'm not cut out for it, or maybe not yet, maybe not ever, that's the least of my worries right now. I'd worry more about money more than getting a guy. Ni wala nga akong makitang bahid ng libog sa sistema ko, or if it does come, it's nothing more than a fleeting feeling and is very easy to satiate. (Another reason why it's hard to look for guys because most of them, if not all, love sex so much). Maybe there really is something wrong with me for not being into sex as much as the others. I don't know. 

What I think I need is companionship. 'Tis all. 

Fuck. I'm turning 23. 

Here's me trying to use an eyeliner and this glittery eyeshadow pencil I got from Miniso. It cute, but I'm not cute. I wish I were pretty, but even makeup cannot salvage my blah and boring face. 

I wanna paint the walls of my room now. </3

~***~

I mostly drink to make myself feel. Imagine a kind of sadness where you can't even bring yourself to consume alcohol. I have no energy to watch even the fluff rom-coms I've been following these days or binge on the short films from Pista. I'm wishing I could be a flea and instantly die.