Hello,

I want to be the type of person who would just lay everything bare. I was a firm believer of accepting and letting my emotions flow. I'm still like that on most of days, but today I realized that I've changed. Now if this is good or bad, I don't know yet. Is this maturity—putting your emotions on hold because of, say, work? I still can't really say I'm doing well with managing myself because I'm currently ignoring my thesis groupmates. I don't want to do this anymore. I realized I've wasted 4 years of my life. I think the program is fun, but for someone who genuinely wants to learn, this is not the correct avenue to do so. There are limited opportunities to learn here. I want to study again.

This Big Sad™ session also made me realize I'm okay with living alone, but I'm also scared because what if moving in with someone is something I need and I'm just pushing the idea aside because it's something I haven't tried yet?

I honestly don't know. 

I've been talking to ng to a friend and I also realized (sidenote: hehe, I'm learning about myself ano?) Anyway, I realized that I've always been committed in my past relationships. They just never worked out because that's just life. All the times I was in a relationship–after high school, that is—I was serious with all of them enough to envision a future with them. I also realized that although it may be too young for me to assume this, maybe romantic love isn't for me, which is a little sad because I know want to love and be loved despite everything.

But I wonder if I'm not worthy of love. I know I am, but why does no one like me. Lol. 

People used to say I'd probably be a singer when I was younger. People say I could be a writer and that I'd do well. People say I could be in broadcasting, that it suits me well. What the fuck happened? What the fuck have I become? Why am I this talentless person now? I feel like a waste of space. 

I'm drinking right now. I have no qualms with doing overtime work, to be honest. It's just that I feel like shit. Ang ambag ni Jules sa buhay ko ay ang stock ko ng alak. Salamat. 

My work is asking for a medical certificate and a diagnosis for this mental health thing. I know I've always wanted to inquire about being diagnosed so that I could give this shitshow I constantly deal with a name, because I feel like there really is something wrong. But I don't know how to ask for it. It feels too early, too. I don't want to look like I'm asking to be diagnosed, that I'm begging for something to be wrong with me. Although I feel like there is. But I'm not the expert. Lol.

My clothes are a mess again, and I don't feel like existing. My weekends are always like this. I feel like shit. 

Why do I still beg for love and affection like a stray puppy? It's grossing me out, but it is what it is.

I don't care if I end up bartending or living in a rundown apartment of some sort, I never aimed to be rich. I just want to be at peace with myself and find my place in this world.

Maybe what makes me unworthy of love is that alagain ako. Like right now. I don't want to hookup anymore, but it's the closest to love I'll ever get (aside from platonic love, which I have an abundance of). So why is that not enough? Why nga ba. Lol.

Even P**** is having a baby. Sigh. 

I don't know where I'm headed in therapy. Maybe I'm really okay. Idk. Am I already okay or still fucked up and just used to the fuckery?