It's always the negative emotions that tend to stick too well, yeah? Started feeling crappy when I felt like I messed up ordering food for the SO, then I started to just feel weird.

I know the things I know, but it doesn't shake off what I feel.

Maybe this is MY issue—I don't like being an inconvenience to people, I'm not comfortable with taking from people, I'm not comfortable with having people go out of their way for my sake, because my entire life, I've been made to feel like a failure.

They weren't even passive aggressive about it. I was called an underachiever by the aunt I respected so much, all while I thought I was doing well.

I was called and renamed Brenda (for brain damage) because I just suck at everything.

It was easier to feign ignorance because no one would expect anything from someone stupid. 

The first few times I'd ask to clarify because I didn't hear or didn't fully understand (but wanted to), I was mocked "huh?" "Ano po?" wc would've been harmless kasi it happens at work to this day bc bingi nga rin, but it was established that I was plain incompetent along with the mockery. It wasn't harmless teasing. 

My grandpa would throw stones at the restroom when I'd sing while I took a bath.

My uncle would monitor me more than a security guard would ever watch the CCTV monitors just to see what I was doing on my laptop. So I'd resort to writing in the dark. And then rewrite during the day to organize my drafts from the night before.

What a life.

That explains why I overthink everything. And why when I get started, I can't afford to fail. Or, I won't even get started at all.

Ingay ni kuya. Kung si Shopee yan, kill me.

I just want to pass out and get my motivation back. 

I wanted to share this pa naman bc this is my boss's boss:

Pero mas nangingibabaw na negative feeling ko eh.

 

In other news, I stumbled upon this—

I suppose love is in a glass of water,

in the folds of chicken breading, 

on "Lot for Lease" tarpaulins,

in the warmth of a hand, 

in boring bus rides,

in daily thank-you messages,

in random food deliveries, 

somewhere between the lines "thank goodness you're/you've..." and so on, 

quietly seated across you and the friend you're deep in conversation with, 

today alone in a room that could've been a cab ride away, suffering from poor internet connection. 

I'll be better.