Fucking hate cowards who can't speak their minds even when asked directly already. Eh di go ahead FO kung FO. 

Whatever I'm feeling now, I need to manage on my own. If anything happens to me, idk kung saan ko pwede iwanan aso ko. 

I have people I can ask, pero saka na lang pag desidido na ako. I wish I didn't reveal so much about myself to you sometimes, so that I wouldn't worry about you trying to stop me in case. But here we are... 

It's just that I don't feel like I'm still living a life anymore. 

I know everyone is busy living their own lives, but wow, I feel so alone. It's true. Even if I survived another attempt, therapy can't help me. I can already see how things will go if I went back. 

Alam mo, nakaka-sad konti na yung mga taong gusto mo sanang magkaroon ng pakialam sa'yo eh wala talagang pake. I'm sure they'd even be happy if I die. I took this attachment theory exam and there was a question about whether I agree that I worry if people don't care for me as much as I care for them and I disagreed because I don't need to worry about something I've already confirmed as the truth. I'm more hurt than worried. 

It does get better. I can vouch for that even with everything I feel right now, but the pain doesn't hurt any less. Some parts of your life do get better, growth DOES occur, but it hurts just the same.

I can name a list of the good things in my life.

Bebu's skin has improved.

The color of the walls in my room aren't as horrible as it used to be. 

I'm glad I have been able to feel as deeply as I do for Ryan.

I'm glad for the people in my life.

But I still want to die. 

When it strikes, it hurts just the same.

I guess I got sidetracked from the truth that my whole life is nothing but a time to accept my end. 

I wish to know about the cheapest options available for coffins, funerals, that way I don't burden anyone once I do die. Tbh, if pwede lang mag-Magnifico na lang and build mysf a coffin of plywood, I'd have no issue. Nothing matters anymore about a dead body. Heck, I've thought about what if a necrophiliac does something to me and it wouldn't matter anymore at this point. Wala nang halaga ang dangal para sa patay (this is just me).

Is Magnifico-ing a viable option? 

Okay, I've done some research. It's best I die in Calaca where my father can file for burial assistance sa munisipyo. Hopefully, my employer also reports my death so I can claim my funeral benefits from SSS. That's 40k max din, hopefully more. 

Coffins can be for 5k lang. Tbh, willing akong masali na lang sa mass burial. 

I just realized tho, when I do die, none of the people in my life now would be able to visit. Lol. Just goes to show how much people I really have in life. If I were to have a funeral, it would be with people whom I don't know very well. It's a lonely thought, but it is what it is. 

I guess I need to be super frugal. 

You know what's funny? I was starting to read again yesterday.