Do we really just decide to be okay? How many more times am I supposed to feel shitty? Wala akong patutunguhan after I graduate. I hate myself so much. I hate my face, and that I'm not conventionally pretty. Scratch that, I'm fucking ugly. I hate my voice, and how much I've deluded myself that I could sing. I hate my body, I'm not small or fat enough. I hate that I'm dumb.

Am I really okay the way I am? Like, I know there's always room for improvement, but am I really insecure about nothing? I feel like utter shit, and I have friends, but I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling because I don't think they really like my person. So I'm telling you.

Sabi ni Marj sa akin, I shouldn't let this shitty feeling win over me, pero why can't stories just end at happily ever after? I don't want anything to come after that. I'm fucking tired of fighting and trying to exist and reminding myself that I shouldn't kill myself over and over. 

There's something I want to say, but I don't want to burden you with it.

I'm not good for anything or anyone. I don't deserve anything. I sound like a broken record, but it really do be like that. 

Bakit nga ba ako umiiyak pag dinuduro-duro ako at tinatawag na demonyo ng magulang ko kung totoo naman yun?

(Here's me crying in our office restroom. Yipee!)

I'm waiting for the jeepney to arrive on my stop, and you know what, thoughts have been thunk—I do want to take care of my father. I worry about how he's doing. I worry because he's alone, and his life choices are all questionable (oo, kasali dito yung hindi nila pagputok sa akin sa kama). I worry about what he eats. A co-worker told me that I spend enough for a family when I go grocery shopping, and he could've been that family I buy things for.

Shet, pamilya lang pala talaga gusto ko, I realize. Why did it take me so long to say this straight to the point, god.

But I also worry for myself because life has been shitty with him. He hurts me, we have shouting matches, he is unreasonable most of the time if not all the time, he doesn't want to try being better. He uses sympathy like a crutch. I am basically his younger version. Hahaha

I realized that my mom and dad are polar opposites. And I am the result of that union. Lol. Ah. I'll just cram my assignments.