Naninibago ako kasi I'm trying to talk to bike guy daily kaso wala naman akong masabi kundi the most mundane things like how my day is. I don't know how to flirt for shit. I don't know if I'm doing things right. 

Naalala ko lang din yung ginawa ko last December and I know I'm the one in the wrong so I shouldn't be feeling like I'm the one victimized because I clearly wasn't. I feel like I was such a slut. They've both blocked me, and that's sad, because we're supposed to be good friends. I had the choice to avoid it from happening, but I willingly put myself in that situation. 

I think if in case this shit with bike guy progresses into something good, I might fuck it up lang. I'm scared din na he'll look down on me when he finds out about the shitty things I've done. Sabi ng iba kong friends, yung mej ka close ko sa work, I don't need to tell guys everything. I don't want to open up sa kanya about the shit I've done before kasi we're taking it slow, and sure, I'd like to give that a try since showing everything abt me has never worked, based on my dating history.

Man I'm scared. While I hope this shit works out, I'm scared of it at the same time.

And I'm aware ang advance kong mag-isip, but idk. It's so scary. I keep wondering why the guy is still around. Yeah.

I want shit to work. I should stop the self-sabotage, ano?

I want to be good, too, you know? I want to stop thinking I'm a shitty person and start accepting instead that shitty things happen. And that when I do shitty stuff, I have the choice to let go of what's happened and just learn from it.

I want that. 

I want to know what I want to do and what career I want to have, and where I want to retire, and what my dream house would look like, and be good and stable enough to have kids, and give enough love.

I just want to amount to something and be good enough for something, be good. Find my place in this world. YUCKS.