I know I've already said it before, but honestly, I think I'm pretty pragmatic, pero I couldn't help but think that if soulmates were true, it felt like he was mine.

I remember him telling me to avoid listening through my earphones while my phone is charging. Lol. Maybe I could have him remind me again, even though I never really forgot. Pero joke. Like I said, I'm pretty sensible naman. Di ako kumakapit sa wishful thinking.

I didn't even ask for much. But maybe my normal was too much for the world. I'm sorry. 

Also, dark joke I guess and totally unrelated to the text above but I can't even kill myself because my room is a mess haha things need to be a little neat when I do that but I don't have the energy to clean up yet lol

I feel like a hollow shell right now.

I've been telling my peers to not be too hard on themselves, to take it easy because the pandemic has caused a huge pause in our lives. But my life has been on hold for so long already. I don't know what to make of myself anymore.

I still don't think I'm headed anywhere. I don't want to see that happen. And I'm tired of making sure it doesn't. Have I taken the steps to do just that? No. Can I even carry the emotional weight of getting through the year? I'm not sure. The most I can bear is one day at a time. 

I hate being told there isn't anything to talk about with me. I hate that I've turned out this way. I hate how I can only react. Lol. Tired of typing good night see u sorry for dumping God bless if you believe in one

Edit: hi I feel better now. Tomorrow ulit yes? Lol

 Earlier in the jeepney, while I was on my home, I thought of just giving in to singlehood. Like, okay, I'll take one for the team. That's where it seems I'm being pushed to anyway. In all aspects, I don't really have go-to people--be it with mere friendships. I only have shallow relationships. I can live alone. That's what I've been doing, isn't it. But it seems like circumstances are pushing me to living in isolation. Lol. Well, so be it. I'm tired. I've been thinking that it seems I'm nothing but just another hole to shove some guy's meat in and that I'm really not good for anything but shallow things and that I'm nothing worth more than a stopover before the actual good thing. 

Alright then. You win. I hope you're happy. You better be. 

I no longer see whatever silver lining I thought there was in my current job, and the only thing keeping me from leaving is that I don't want to go to yet another call center once after this. I've been wanting to look up the job that Ryan suggested, but I don't even remember what it's called exactly, and I don't think I can open our chatbox and scroll through our messages. I can't. How I feel about our chatbox is the same as how I feel about Tinder. Or birthdays and holidays. It gives me nothing but dread. I can't afford to backtrack on it. Not yet, at least. The mere thought of it hurts, okay? Lol. 

But right now, I feel numb. And tired. Mostly, numb. 

I'm in the office right now, and this new trainee is doing a rollcall of everyone's order for Jollibee. I don't even feel like eating. 

I don't feel like working, but I'm not even sleepy. Tonight feels like a fever dream. All my years don't seem real. 

I hope I hear from you, but I'm sure I won't. How are you anyway? What are your thoughts on Care Bears and chicken wings? I love chicken wings. Do you?

The moon looks bigger without my glasses.

 I think I need a clear visual or an infographic, if you will, about Ingmar Bergman's lovelife. Like nakakalito. Hahaha 

 Someone from the office asked me to hang out with them but I refused them. This other friend kept asking me about Ryan because she had nothing else to talk to me about. I don't blame her. Ganun na nga ata ako kawalang personality. I bailed on them and changed my mind at the last minute. She said it herself—there isn't anything we can talk about. Why would I make myself go through such an ordeal lol. It'll be cool to get free eyelash extensions haha (they said they're paying for me) but free stuff like that makes me feel like a charity case, and that there'll be a catch somewhere. It's so random it feels uncomfortable lol. Plus it wasn't really intended for me to begin with. I was just like a second choice lol I don't like that

I feel like refusing everyone and avoid everyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want them to leave me alone tbh. Or more like I wish I could be alone. 

 I can't believe I'm still talking about you; I'm the last of your old things.

Misquoted for my benefit. Lol. It sucks being alone.

I think my mental state right now is a mess. My room is always its best depiction and right now, it's messy. Lol. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't know what to do. There isn't anywhere to go. There isn't anything to do. Do I still have friends? Maybe. I don't think I can reach out to any of them. 

Why am I this alone.

I don't feel okay. I feel like shit. What is the end game? I wish I had something to live for.

When people say they want to die, I wonder if they need to be consoled or if they really want to?

I imagined myself walking in the middle of a super highway, waiting for a truck to hit me, with a note in my pocket asking whoever finds my body to just dump it somewhere and to not hold the driver liable. 

Maybe I should read. 

It'll be my birthday in a week or two, and it'll be a reminder of how no one really remembers me and how alone I am. Lol. This is why I constantly deactivated because I can pretend people just don't have any way to reach me instead of accepting that no one remembers. No one talks to me. I talk to them. I go to them. No one really wants me. I feel so alone. I reach out to them. Damn. Maybe I should just read. I wish I could be like when I was kid and just hide behind books, but I don't feel like reading anymore.

I'm sorry. Para akong nangkukwenta. I can't expand on my thoughts any further. It'll just show how bad I really am and be taken against me lol

I'll just watch Corpse Bride

 Called it. Barely got any sleep the day of my previous post. 

Had a convo with a workmate, below:

This got me thinking na I only know how to move forward by the day, but I don't really have a big picture to look at, alam mo yun? Like, I know enough to get through the day, but all my days lead to nowhere. I don't know if this makes sense. 

I'm positive I won't be jobless (if I'm not dead yet), but I don't know where to go. I've been thinking about Ryan's recommendation that I look into I-forgot-what-it's-called job, but that would have me nagging at people, and putting things into order, and can I really do that? I'm really a mess and messy. Seriously! This isn't me being a pessimist or something. Lol. 

Now that I think of it, I shouldn't think if a job would or wouldn't suit me because I don't want my person to be defined by what I do to pay the bills. My job is not my identity. So if I'll get paid to organize things, then I guess I'm up for the job. Or at least I should be. I remember what a co-worker said just yesterday about workload being an upskill and not a talent, which means it can be learned. And people say that saying someone is talented discredits the hardwork people put into what they do. 

On the other hand, this line of thinking means everything can be in our hands and in our control, and the way things are going for me, I don't think this is the case. 

Ang party-pooper ko talaga, ano? Lol. Hey, thanks for sticking. 

It's been my thing lately to hang around the front of our office alone. Here's me fresh from the claws of capitalism:

 Ang unfair. Bakit ganito lang ako kadaling iwan. Lol. I've come to terms with the idea that life might not get any better than this, and this might probably sound defeatist, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much again.

I was speaking to a workmate outside the office, we hung out. It was actually supposed to be my me time, but I asked her to come with me since we were just right across the mall and right in the midst of traffic anyway. It would've been awkward to just leave her alone in the jeep. 

While we were eating, she said, "Ano pa kayang pwedeng pag-usapan?" And I realized I'm a hollow shell. Other than that, I don't see anything else I can talk about with anyone at work. I miss Jea. I miss Ryan. There's no one else I can talk to about other stuff but them.

That workmate and I ended up ranting about work from the mall till I got off the jeepney on our way home–it was the only thing we could talk about.

I miss Ryan. He was my favorite person. He was the best. Now, there is no best. That spot's just left blank until he comes back and takes his space again. If he ever does. If he even does. It feels like he's not in my life anymore. 

I'm rationalizing how I feel about things, because it's easier to cope that way. If I don't, it'll all just flow. And now I can't even say I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I know I have strong tendencies to talk too much and talk over people. And I'm trying to overcome that, really. And I'm trying not to be the friend people need to adjust to. Because I can also adjust. But I miss him. 

I hope he comes back. But there's always the possibility he never will. And that's totally fine. And I normally am a pessimist about things. But I'm hopeful on this.

What's sad about people who aren't in your life anymore is when you still have so much to give to them that it overflows, but they're not around to take it from you anymore, so now you're stuck with things you can't even claim anymore as yours because it has their name on it. In blaring red. And it's easy to say I can just give it to myself–self-care as kids say these days–but this isn't for myself. I don't need this. I have enough. It's easy to think that I can give it elsewhere, to someone else, maybe... But would it feel nice giving away secondhand goods to someone who wouldn't really be able to make good use of it? It's not a sincere gift.

 What puzzles me though is if I have this much to give, then why do I feel like an empty shell?

 For someone talkative, I can't find people I can be real with. 

I don't think I'm getting any sleep today.

 I don't know where to get a headstart at work. I feel like I'm headed nowhere again. I'm really trying to be happy for them, really I am. :c I'm so tired. When will this be over. I feel like I'm slaving my life away, and for what? I don't even know what I'm breaking down for. 

 Grabe, 5 days na pala mula nung huli akong nagpost dito. Lol. Gusto kong iboto si Ka Leody. Ikaw ba? Haha. 

 Sa totoo lang, galit na galit ako. Natulog akong galit, pumasok akong galit, iniisip ko na namang mag-SL. Gusto kong magmukmok, magkulong. Ayoko munang makipagsalamuha sa mga tao. Parang ayoko ulit maging okay. Gusto kong maging malungkot. Bakit? Hahaha. Ewan. Pero galit talaga ako. 

Birthday ng mama ko nung 9 haha. Tapos napanaginipan ko papa ko. Grabe ayoko na nung ganung feeling, yung ipagpilitan sa akin yung mga bagay na ayaw kong gawin. Kahit sa panaginip ko naglayas pa rin talaga ako haha tapos paggising ko tinapon ko na yung susi ko sa bahay sa Batangas. Eto na talaga yon. Wala na akong mauuwiang talaga. Siguro for legal purposes, permanent address ko na lang siya ganon

 If we all ultimately want love anyway, then why is everyone fucking around. The drought is real, motherfucker, and although I have re-installed Tinder, I'm really not too keen on the idea of hooking up like that again. Gusto ko ng karat with feelings, please lang. Besides, hookup culture takes a toll on my self-worth and it makes me wonder if I'm only just a hole to stick some guy's meat in. Ayoko na ng ganun talaga.  guy's meat in. 

 Sometimes, iniisip kong ayawan yung mga gusto ko naman talaga para ma-jinx yung pagka-ayaw ko sa kanila, pero di naman talaga yun nangyayari tsaka di ko rin naman maloloko sarili ko. Wala, share ko lang. Napaisip lang ako habang naglalakad. Ang ingay ko nga talaga. Masaya ba talaga ako? 

 I need to lose 10 kilograms before the year ends. I hope you're rooting for me. Lol. Don't leave me here.

I was able to retrieve my Spotify account, but I lost my student discount. Sige na lang. I hope I finish my project:

Please keep on rooting for me. I'm rooting for you too, okay?

 Missed u. Okay rin yung saglit na ganun, pero di ko naman mauuto yung sarili ko. Ayoko na.

Akam mo bang mahal kita. Yikes. Disgusting. But I do. I'm never going to tell hanggang kamatayan anyway. Gusto ko na lang mawala. Maybe when I muster enough courage for it 

 Alam mo bang mahal kita ha. ☹️ Yucks even I find thus corny but it is what it is. Alam na ng buong mundo siguro pero sa'yo ko lang di sasabihin lol 

Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero nanghihina na ako tsaka ayoko nang makadagdag. 

Okay lang naman. Wala namang kwenta lahat. Oo.

Sa totoo lang I kind of want to take it back, pero when I do call back, what is there to say? I don't want to waste anyone's time. Wala naman akong makabuluhang masasabi. Mas mainam pa ngang magmukmok na lang ako.

Ayoko na talaga. Di ba sinabi ko naman, I don't see things ending any other way? This still holds true. Wala namang mangyayari. And it's okay. Some stories end this way. Wala namang tama o mali dito.

Sinusubukan ko pa rin naman, pero di pa rin naman ako nakakalimot.

Basta one day, ganun.

Basta sakaling bumigay nga ako, sana maalala mo ako paminsan-minsan. Na sinubukan ko naman

Sa ngayon di ko pa naman kaya. I mean, I wish I could, pero hindi.

I look shittier.

Is this what growth and aging looks like?

I think I only get uglier by the day.

And I'm scared no guy's ever going to think I'm pretty. And I know I shouldn't want anyone else's validation, but right now, it would be nice to feel wanted.

While I don't miss my ex, it would be nice to have someone I can be intimate with–and I don't [solely] mean sex. I miss being in a relationship. I know I'm not in tiptop shape (yet), but this is how I feel right now.

I know what's right, okay? Pero parang okay ring magkamali paminsan-minsan. Baka kaya pala nagtitiyaga yung iba sa kakapiranggot na atensyong nakukuha nila, kasi minsan mas mainam na yung ganun kesa wala. Kahit mali. Kasi kahit ayos lang naman madalas, minsan kailangan din ng pantawid gutom.

Nakakalungkot ding mag-isa.

I've been told many times over and by many people to not show everyone my vulnerability, that not everyone deserves it, but it's about to spill and I don't have anyone. Just you. Lol. Sorry. 

I need a real person, an actual friend. But it's okay. I won't always have people right by.

I want to shut down. I feel like shit. Sana nga pagpapaka-edgy lang yung ganitong lungkot, pero alam mo ba yung lungkot na parang gusto mong hugutin yung puso mo sa sobrang sakit, yung parang ganun lang yung makakapagpatahan sa akin. 

These days, tuwing sinasabi kong okay lang mabuhay mag-isa kapag tinatanong nila ako kung kumusta yung ganito, it's not really okay. Ang lungkot. 

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa.

Bakit ba hindi na lang ako nagkaroon ng buhay na gaya dun sa mga nababasa o napapanood ko? Parang ang hirap namang sumugal sa posibilidad lang, kasi in reality, I can die a miserable fuck.

I can't even sleep. I can't sleep these thoughts away.

 hello im on my second day today sa period ko and i feel so sad bampira ba ako because i crave humans char i crave human interaction outside the office. i feel like im just dragging my body to the office and i dont want to work at all tapos di pa ako crush ng crush ko pero ayon ang sad sad sad supre sad i dont want to work at all coffee is not doing anything so is food so is the internet so is binge watching random shows am i supposed to sleep it all away but what about during my waking hours :c i feel so sad so so so sad i miss my friends i miss going out with them why am i supposed to be alone :c why :c why have i always been alone i feel so sad :c

I don't get it anymore. I don't see it happening for me anymore.

I think mas lumiit mundo ko.

I don't know how dating works anymore. 

I lose more people day by day. This makes me feel so sad. 

 Ang bigat ng araw na 'to. Gusto kong magtirik ng kandila.

Naisip ko lang, magkano kaya ako? Pag ba sinaktan yung kalahati ng katawan ko magkakahalagang limang daan na ba yon? Tapos pag may inabutan ng limang daan para patayin ako, sapat na ba yon? Ganon lang ba halaga ko? Ang hirap magbasa tungkol sa martial law :c

 I'm having a hard time breathing and I can't take a nap din bc of caffeine I feel so restless I don't feel ok. im really trying to feel okay, I'm scared na maulit yung parang lumulutang ako at humihiwalay yung consciousness ko sa katawan ko na nakatitig lang ako sa screen ko for hours tapos I felt frozen I think it's close. Sana di matuloy. I really am trying to be okay. I feel fucking sad. 

I hate looking back at the risks I've taken where I looked stupid because I know I was really trying then. I hate looking stupid when I actually try. Wala naalala ko lang. 

I wanna cry. I dyed my hair again, mixed Paprika Power and Chestnut brown cellowax, but it only made my hair even more orange 

 I didn't really think I'd last this long, and I don't know who you are exactly, but I could not have made it without you. I hope you're doing okay. Honestly, I'm not doing that well recently, but I will cope. As I have the past few months this year, and I hope I get by okay. And I hope the same for you. 

Hi.

I kind of wanna talk, but I also kind of don't want to. I'm back to feeling drowsy in the mornings. I don't know how I'm still going, given my history, but here I am.  I don't think I can reach out to any of my friends. It's tiring to talk. And I think we all need space. I tried going on dating apps again, just to ease the boredom, but I'm not on it much. So much to say, but silence will have to suffice for now.

Try listening to Moses Sumney's "Don't Bother Calling", such a nice song. Maybe it's not your kind of music, though. 

Come back soon. I think I want to hear back from you. 

I know it's just 8AM where I am, but I follow a different time zone. It's really none of your business, but I regret how I lived this day. I regret how I spoke to the people around me. I don't think I still want to exist.

There's nothing else I wanna do more than delete myself. 

Today's playlist:

I Know I Know I Know - Homeshake

So Tired - Crumb

A Dream With a Baseball Player - Faye Webster

If You're Going to Break Yourself - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

Can't Stop Staring At The Sun - Patrick Watson

Better Distractions - Faye Webster

 September has come, and sadness along with it. 

Sigh. 

 i hope ryan is ok seriously :( 

 hi :( 

i ended up uninstalling all the dating apps and deleting my accounts there. i suppose ive grown out of it. and i really dont need that kind of company any longer. 

i hope my friends will be ok as well :( i just want everyone to be ok :( sigh :( 

 Hi

I just found out abt this song a few mins ago and now I have it on repeat hehe skl 

https://youtu.be/Va_tfmIgZTw

I look great, don't I? I never really thought I could pull off orange hair. I just did it because I'm crazy, but I can naman pala. Can't believe it's already a Monday. I feel sad. Is this the holiday blues? Idk. Maybe not. It feels weird. I feel calm lying down on the floor and being alone, but at the same time, I'm yearning for things.

I really like that new Homeshake song. I also reinstalled dating apps, but I'm put off by how everyone just wants to have sex. I'll probably delete it before the day ends. 

I feel like this person I like is probably avoiding me. I'll leave them be. I'm really giving up on this. Mali talaga eh. And yeah, I feel crappy. There's no need to drag other people into this. Ikaw lang nakakaalam nito. Ayoko na rin. Ayoko nang ipagpilitan sarili ko. I'm proud of myself for not being delusional :) I want to be okay. I want things to be okay. I hope to get some sleep today. I really feel sad.

Seeing my older friends on Facebook reminds me that everyone's dealing with crap. Hays. Gusto ko nang maging okay. 

 

Man I still feel like crap

 Saw this on my Facebook memories. Horrible times.

What's with old notes and past loves today? I was talking about writing with my favorite person at the moment and then I found this:

This worsened the negative feeling. And now I'm back to wondering about the same things from when we broke up.

This is horrible. 

Nakakalungkot pala makita old notes ko kasi it's a reminder of my inadequacy and how I let an almost-good thing slip by me had I been good enough. Oo ang sad girl. Ibigay mo na 'to sa akin, blog ko naman 'to. I really feel sad na I kinda want to delete myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone 

Well, save for a friend I really trust.

Sorry sa kalat. Sana okay ka lang. I'll get over it like I always do 

 Even I can't reread my posts. Re-reading them makes me wanna vomit yucks. 

Walang naniniwala na pwede. Kung ikaw nga mismo, hindi eh di mas lalong dapat ko nga yun paniwalaan na hindi talaga. Mahirap kasing pagkatiwalaan yung sarili ko kasi di na rin ako sure kung totoo pa ba 'to o niloloko ko lang sarili ko.

 I just got back in the office yesterday from my week-long vacation and, I have to say, it didn't really give me the purpose I felt was lacking from when I took a break. Right now, I also feel so fucking sad. So fucking down. I did so badly at work yesterday as well. 

Today I broke my last mirror. It came as a pair, which I got for P500 at a mall nearby. 

I had placed it at the top of my wooden cabinet to be some sort of assistance while I attempted to bleach my roots and dye my hair evenly. It ended up looking like patchwork, a horrible mess, really. I should've stayed blonde.

I dislike having mirrors all over the place. I personally don't find it a necessity to have to see my reflection every second or minute of the day. As a matter of fact, I abhor seeing myself to a point where I'd wish to just be a floating entity, one lacking physical form.

My biggest mistake was leaving the mirror on top of the cabinet, along with my leftover dye mixture, even after this botched hair dye job. As a result, and deservedly so if I may add, earlier today, just as I was on my way out to forage for food—particularly, sisig—I clumsily knocked both the cup of dye mix and mirror off my drawer, resulting to a sticky and glittery mess, courtesy of both the mirror and my hair dye.

A few moments after, when I got up to clean up after the mess, I thought that maybe there could still be something salvageable out of the fragments. While I am not the most creative, I am an adult. I am twenty-three years old. I know enough to get by. But it's true what they say, that while broken mirrors still do something to show one's reflection, it really would not be the same.

I've wiped the dye mixture off some of the glass and taken a long, hard look at my form on this shattered looking glass, but even then my face doesn't make sense. You'd think I could at least make something fitting for my personal aesthetic out of this mess, but no.

I still hate myself.

And this is all that my five-hundred-peso bill has come down to.

The elders have always spoken against shattered glasses and broken mirrors, about how one must be careful in treading around them, about how they aren't good for anything more. 

I could wipe clean each of the pieces, try to make them almost good as new, but a broken mirror is a broken mirror. Even a small crack is still damage. 

Maybe the elders were right. Maybe there isn't anything more to make of a broken mirror and all other broken things.

 Lol I came across this:

Also, I feel pretty. I update my blog entry throughout the day, by the way. Just so you know. Lol.

Ayan. Si Airene na nagsabing wag ako mag-expect. Dapat ko na talaga 'tong tantanan. Tama. Ayoko na! Ayoko na talaga!! Hindi na!!! 

Ayoko na talaga!!! Tama na 'to!!!! Hindi na talaga!!! Ayoko na. Seryoso na. 

Ayoko na nga. Ayoko na. Tama na. It's staring me in the face. Ayoko na. Tama na talaga

I'M DRUNK. INIWAN AKO NI RYAN IM SO SAD PERO OK LANG!!! I HAVE OTHER FRIENDS PERO OK MA RIN TO!! WAKE UP CALL KO NA SIGURO YUNG NARIRINIG KO NA SA ULO KO YUNG DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI HANASH NG INTROVOYS TAMA YUN. DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI DI NAMAN PAASA SI GUY EH HINDI PA RIN AKO MAGNENAME DROP HANGGANG KAMATAYAN BAKA IKAW PALA YUN EH TAKOT KO LANG

PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAA

nagpacheckup ako sa EO GRABE SOBRANG LAYO MAGING TAYO

Ang sakit lang konti kasi isipin mo yun, willing siya na ma-add siya ng mga tao na same interest niya pero ako na hello??? I think we're really good friends right now pero hindi pa rin pala. Sakit. Ayoko na nga. Masaya na lang ako para sa'yo. Pero ayoko na. Tama nga yun. Magmu-move on na ako. Living my life living for myself realness ganun

I wanna delete myself lol

I'm not the prettiest I'm not hot but fuck am I that awful bakit walang nagnamahal sa akin

Sad sad sad super sad I wanna delete myself I wanna truly truly delete myself

I tried dating apps right this very moment but I no longer can't I want you I want just you do I love you who knows can I just say that so casually but this isn't casual—I do love you it hurts. I love you it hurts  

I love you I love you. I do. But I'll hold it in for our sake. Maybe that's what this is supposed to teach me. So I'll hold it in. But I do love you. Very much so.

 

 Alam mo, if you really think about it, this is a story. No, seriously, this can be. Tapos naiinlove ka na pala sa akin kasi syempre kailangang gawing palatable sa audience tapos hindi ko na alam anong element pa pwede natin idagdag para maging unique siya. O kaya wag ka na lang ma-in love sa akin para unique talaga siya, pero yun yung magda-drive sa story—is he or is he not in love? (Or she, irdk who you are). Tapos ang ending di ka naman talaga maiinlove. We'll never have the conversation about you reading all these. I'll never find out who you are. We'll go our separate ways and live our lives the way they were meant to be lived. We'll grow out of each other's lives. Assuming you're this person I want you to be, parang ang lungkot. Gusto ko na lang matira sa fairytale, yung magkakagusto sa akin yung gusto ko. Ayoko talaga siyang mawala sa buhay ko. Lol. I mean, don't be offended from what I'm about to say kasi I'm really not sure who you are anyway, pero okay lang mawala ka wag lang 'tong taong 'to.

And who has the energy to write these days? Not me. Lol. 

Di ba hindi na ako makalat (in public) gaya nung dati or feeling ko lang yon.

Okay magbabasa na ako ulit skl hindi ko pa rin nililigpit labada ko mag two months na ba or one month irdk

 Magtitinder na ako konti na lang putanginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Update: nag-install ako pero uninstall din. Kaya ko pa. Kaya ko pa. Lintek na yan. Tanginaaaa. The fucking restraint. Pero tignan mo to daddy-long-legs, ANG GANDA KO SINONG PUPURI SA AKIN SINONG HAHALIK SA PAA KO HA!! char lang huhu hayst 

Oo hindi kita kilala wala na rin akong pake pero ang ganda ko putek na yan thank u filter wooo tanginang yannnnnnnnnnnn crush mo na ako no crush mo na yan dali na charot la ko pake huhu ok idlip muna ako tas basa na ako for real

Joke who am I kidding. I actually look like shit right now. Ang lala ng pimple breakout ko 

Gusto ko nang ayusin buhok ko na tinatamad ako. Pinoproblema ko pa rin yung likod. Okay iidlip na muna ako gnite.

Nagbabasa ako ng listahan ng mga dating kdramas na naiere sa ABS CBN tas isa sa upcoming nila is Judy Abbott. Tapos naalala kita. Daddy Long Legs, ikaw ba yan??? Penge namang pangtustos diyan. Chos. Lol

Anyway nasa tamang pag-iisip naman ako ngayon kahit na unang araw ng buwanang dalaw ko. Mali talaga 'tong nararamdaman ko lololol isa lang 'tong malaking taeng kailangan kong iire. Tama. Huhu hindi ako productive puro lang ako tulog huhu ansaket ng puson ko gusto ko ng matinong pagkain kaso di ko alam ano kakainin ko huhu

Tignan mo pagkain ko hahaha kulang na lang Dutch Mill.

Ayan yung motchi na minamata ng aso ko. Lol. Hindi ko alam anong gusto kong kainin.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=z3lP16mFtro&feature=share

This song always makes me feel sad. Sigh. I don't think I can still write anymore.

I fucking feel so sad and I wanna drink anddd... Ugh.

 I want to feel free again. This pandemic setup is so suffocating.

Also, this song has been playing non-stop in my head: https://youtu.be/JeGhUESd_1o

Parang ang sarap ma-in love nang ganito ah??? Penge namang isang Christian Yu diyan. Lol. If I can't have a love like that, then I don't want it. Do you see how they're comfortable with each other?? 🥺 Anyway, I'm on a week-long leave from work. Hopefully, I'll be productive. Lol lonely twerking

I got vaccinated last Saturday and I had fever for just a day!!!! My co-workers were sick for more days than that. Grabe this guardian angel of mine, really... Baka demonyo talaga nagbabantay sa akin lol. In which part of this little life of mine did I trade my soul for a long life on Earth? Lol.

I want to share something to you pero para na akong sirang plaka, nabanggit ko na rin naman siya sa past entries ko, tsaka nahihiya akong i-acknowledge siya kasi baka mapa-invest ako nang wala sa oras so I'll just pretend I said it in this part. Sana ibigay na ng cosmos sa akin. Lol. Pero baka hindi rin. Pero okay na lang din.

This is the safe route. 

I wish the night was longer.

Maalat siya pero stoko yung texture ng itlog hahahahahha matigas ulo ko nasobrahan yung Knorr cubes na ginamit ko lol

Also, share ko lang na for a time, I was this bad at work: 

Wala lang, I've come a bit far I guess. Lol.

Medyo nagligpit ako today pero tinatamad talaga ako magligpit ng damit ko huhuhu

 Sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa ring gawin yung magdadala ako ng pagkain sa bag ko tapos ipamimigay ko sila lahat sa sinumang madaanan kong may kailangan. Kanina namigay ako ensaymada tsaka lollipop dun sa batang natutulog sa may overpass-ish sa Festival. Minsan, napapaisip ako kung totoo ba yung haka-haka na the beggars are planted on the streets by the syndicate and that it's actually a long-running business, pero kahit na di ba? Sino ba talagang makakapagsabi? At kung ganun man, why would they do that job kung maalwan talaga buhay nila kasi ibig sabihin dapat nun, may iba silang option para makapag-hanapbuhay. Resulta lang din naman sila ng palyado nating sistema.

Anyway, dinagdagan ko ng lollipop yung binigay ko kasi naalala ko nung bata ako, gusto ko rin yung lollipop ng Goldilocks tapos na-enjoy ko naman yun. Sana siya rin. O baka may kapatid siya.

Anyway, nabakunahan na ako and sa totoo lang, ngayong pauwi na ako, it dawned on me na malungkot ako. Naiyak nga ako bigla sa jeep. Hindi ko rin alam bakit. Buti na lang may face mask, kaso agaw-pansin yung buhok ko ngayon. I also bleached my hair and I'm liking it.

Eto talaga gusto kong i-share: ang saya sa feeling yung may ibang tao akong naimpluwensyahan/napaisip. Kasi yung ka-work ko nakarinig siya na may nagrereklamo daw na bakit mas nauna daw mga indigent sa mga A4 na tayo naman daw nagbabayad ng buwis at mas may ambag kumpara sa mga indigent tapos parang banas na banas pa yung tao. Tapos kumatwiran ako na eh yun na nga, sila yung walang access kung tutuusin sa bakuna so bakit sila yung mas pagkakaitan. Kapag tayo nagkasakit, oo, mababaon tayo sa utang pero para sa kanila, baka nga hayaan na lang mamatay yung tao dahil nga sa kakulangan sa pera o access sa loans, etc. Mas wala na ba silang karapatang mabuhay kesa sa atin? Tapos sabi nung kausap ko, oo nga rin, di niya raw naisip yun. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko masyadong sigurado kung may sense ba yung sinabi ko pero ayun. Pero feeling ko may point naman di ba? Mas vulnerable naman kasi talaga sila sa atin? Tsaka di porket tayo yung araw-araw pumapasok sa office eh less exposed na sila. Pwede rin naman kasing may raket sila na kakakailanganing lumabas din sila. Ang paghahanapbuhay naman kasi eh hindi lang yung nairereport mo sa BIR.

So ayun. Masaya ako kasi nabakunahan na ako. Sorry kasi gumamit ako ng kapit. Malungkot din talaga ako. Mas nakakalungkot ding hindi ako pwede uminom. 

Sa totoo lang gusto ko ring dumayo kina Ryan ngayon. Pero siguro mainam na ring wag na lang muna. Sana sa Biyernes. 

Lintik na traffic 'to, naiiyak na talaga ako :( Side effect din ba 'to ng bakuna? 

**

Hello, nakauwi na ako. Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong tanungin, gusto ko lang siyang kausap pero di ako pwedeng masyadong mangulit. Tsaka need talaga ng mga tao ng boundaries. Otherwise, they'll feel smothered. 

 Hindi ako masyadong lulong sa pag-ibig ngayon pero di naman talaga laging ganun di ba? Minsan sapat na yung palagay yung loob mo dun sa tao. Eh kaso hindi eh. Hahaha. Kasi nga lahat kaibigan lang daw sa akin at kaibigan lang din ako eh ano na rin. Pero ok lang talaga. Gusto ko nang matulog pero di ako makatulog. Sana pwede ilipat lahat ng gagawin bukas na lang. 

 

Tanggap ko na, Jane at Wanda. Inaamin kong isa akong abusador na sinusulit jacket ng kaibigan ko at hindi ko pa rin kinukuha yung damit ko sa laundromat mga 3 weeks na lol I think haha

Lamog na lamog na utak ko please lang

 Pagod na ako ano kaya gagawin ko next week

Tinatamad din akong gupitin bangs ko haha huhu grrrrrrrrrr

Update: kinuha ko na labada ko but lol if this ain't me

 Nakakatamad mag exist stoko na lang magkulong

 The yearning has died down. I'm good. Just tired.

 Maybe I just love you, but I'm not in love with you. I hope so. 

Are soulmates true?

Because if they are, you just might be mine.

I don't think I'll ever tell you this, but you're the best person in my life. By far. You've been around from when I still had dreams and till now that I don't have any.

Maybe you're just supposed to show me I can be treated right. Maybe you're just supposed to show me the kind of love I want, but you can't be the one I'd love like that because it's your hand I'll be holding when he doesn't come home at night. It's your shoulder I'll be crying on in case we'll have fights. It's you I'll be calling first thing once we've made up. You'll be the constant in my life, I hope, just as I will be yours.

Just as I will be yours.

Maybe I can't have you the way I want to now because we're supposed to have something stronger.

I'll have to think of it like this to help me sleep at night.

This is not poetry or prose, just another letter maybe that won't see the light of day. Or maybe except for a stranger on this cramped space on the internet.

There's so much of the world we have yet to see, and we are both still young, and they say things might even turn around for me over time, but I can't really delude myself like that. I'm old enough to discern that we can't count on possibilities because they're nothing more than that until they happen, and this one's not within my control. You've already said no once, and I don't think you're one to change your mind over things like this, though I still wish you would.

Of course, you won't.

A lot can change in the years to come, but I hope we'll still have each other. It may not be like right now anymore, and that's alright. You said it yourself—when the time comes that we grow apart, I want us to be able to smile at the thought of each other.

I hope you know you have my back, that I'll mourn with you and cry for you and laugh with you, laugh at you, and all that.

I don't understand how you've come to mean this much to me, but you do now anyway. I want the world for you. I cannot pick out the best words to let you know how much I want the greatest things in life for you. So I won't say a thing. And I'll hold back on all these. No biggie. I need to develop restraint, anyway.

But you'll have my time. And you'll have me. It might not amount to much, but I hope it counts for something.

You told me some time last year to pour my feelings out and write to you. I'm grateful for this chance. Here's your letter. I'm sorry it's long overdue. I don't think this will be the last. 

 Can't I have both? :( Please naman, cosmos :( or maybe it's the kdrama. But the yearning is a little too strong today.

 Ang masasabi ko lang ay wala ka talagang mapagkakatiwalaan at gusto ko nang lumaklak ng Neozep kasi letseng sipon 'to, hindi na nawala, and if taking many of those does something else, I won't complain either. This week has been crappy so far for me, and god, I just want the year to be done and over with. Heck, my life can end and I'll be a happy man. 

Umiyak na naman ako sa work today. Ang masasabi ko lang ay pagod na ako ayoko na talaga. Lol. 

Sana ang true love para na lang din sweldo para kahit paano, kahit pakiramdam mo ang tagal-tagal bago dumating, sigurado kang dadating din. Hayst.

Wow, this is really turning out to be such a terrible week. I want to go home and get some fucking sleep. Mukhang magiging daily occurrence ata ang pag-iyak sa office. I'm just so fucking tired. 

Time check, 6:21 AM

Nagsabi pa bago kong manager na if we weren't picky daw sa vaccine pwede niya raw kami ilista. Like who's she calling picky? Medyo nakakairita. Or if grammar lapse yon, ayusin niya. Like good for her, may connection siya at nakapagpabakuna siya. Good for her. 

Sa totoo lang napupuno na ako. Abangan na lang kung ano mangyari. Nawa'y matuluyan na rin kung topakin bigla kasi di na ako natutuwa. Napupuno na talaga ako. Di ko na alam anong gagawin lol

 It's not going to happen, not in this lifetime. And that's totally okay. The person I like will find someone else he likes whom he's going to do all sorts of crazy stuff for. And while it stings bc it won't be me, it's okay. I really need to get a move on. Lol. Idk how. I'm sure this will all die down one of these days. I fucking hope so. 

Naisip ko kanina na parang nakakababae na 'to ah, pero medyo nasa tamang pag-iisip pa naman ako so I can deduce that that is illogical. Ganun talaga, may kanya-kanyang desisyon ang mga tao pero grabe na twoah rold!!!!! Ang tamlay pa ng tteokbokki sa Mr. Park. Ang lungkot!! stoko lang ng true love my god

parang stoko na rin pamigay aso ko pagod na ako

I need to get lotsa stuff out of my system. I know it's not so hard to just hook up, but I don't want to go that route anymore. That doesn't do me any good, and it also only leaves me wondering if I'm good for nothing but hook ups. Lol. Sana balang araw may magmahal na rin sa akin charez ang corny gago 

Ayoko na magwork shuta

Nasabihan ako ng isang kaibigan ko na dapat ko nga raw 'tong tantanan kasi kahit siya raw di niya raw nakikitang mamahalin ko raw yung crushie ko as boyfriend, parang hanggang friends lang daw talaga dapat kami. Siguro nga. Bahala na. Di ko naman pinagpipilitan sarili ko. Ibibigay ko na lang 'to sa sarili ko hanggang mawala 'to. Hanggang ngayong taon na lang. 

TIME CHECK, 4:30 AM. PUTANGINA AMPANGIT NG ARAW NA 'TO TALAGA NAGSWIMMING SA INIDORO YUNG SALAMIN KO YAWA  nakakasad na talaga.

Hi, naglalakad na ako pauwi. 5:48 AM. Nasira tsinelas ko. Hindi ko rin na-hit target sa trabaho. Baduy talaga ng araw na 'to. Naisip ko rin, bakit ko hahayaang invalidate ng iba yung nararamdaman ko eh ako naman nakakaramdam nito? Madami namang nagsasabing para lang daw tropa turing ko sa mga gusto ko. Eh anong gagawin ko???

Tas naalala ko nasabihan rin ako dati na yung bf ko raw parang kaibigan lang din turing ko. Eh shuta??? Anong gagawin ko???

Rold ayoko na pong maging bespren ng bayan pero di naman ako mahilig lumandi. I can only give them my time.

I'm fucking tired na ha.

Nah, I'll get over these thoughts. I'm normally okay. I'm just tired today 

 I had a weird dream. I dreamt this person I like kissed me. God ang mali. Maybe I should stop this break. I think I need to start looking for someone else. I really cannot like him. It's weird because this person doesn't like me back and this is futile. I really should just stop this. Natatakot na ako na baka lumalim pa 'to. Kawawa ako.

One thing I learned is it's the person that matters, and if this goes on, I might lose him. I wish I could share the full details to you, but I can't. Lol you'd laugh at me if you knew. Even I find it ironic and funny that's why when I woke up, I made a mini-facepalm. This is so wrong. I'm just getting more invested here. Speaking of invested, I finished a comic about Spongebob and Patrick fighting and becoming monsters and I also learned about the secret ingredient of krabby patty.

I wish I dreamt of that instead.

 hello sinusubaybayan mo na naman ako ahahah do you feel like youre babysitting me ahaha sorry sa abala but thanks for being there im ok so far. kanfeermd nang hindi ako gagraduate pa pero it ok i really dont want to yet. i hope ure ok too. im rooting for u!!!

 Alam mo narealize I really cannot like that person I like. I really really really really really really cannot like him:(((( Souper sad and also drunk

Hindi pa naman talaga ako ga-graduate this year for sure gawa ng back subject ko na PE. Alam ko namang nagmumukmok lang ako sa sulok madalas and nakikipag-socialize with a select few sa klase ahaha and this will be corny af but allow me this just quick, na-realize ko gawa ng mga kaklase ko na the burden an individual carries can be beaten by a community that cares.

I still want to drink, and I still question my purpose and self-worth, but I don't feel as crappy as I did the last few days. This is so corny but all I want to say is I have more things to feel grateful for than to be sad about at the moment. Life isn't the best, but I'll get by right now.

Honestly, when I woke up earlier, I just wanted to curl up on my bed until it's Monday and I then go to work. I was even just going to open Netflix and binge whatever, but my classmates' messages started flooding in the moment I turned on my mobile data. I changed my mind and got up instead, left for the office right after cleaning up after my puppy. 

My laptop is currently broken that's why I'm using my office computer. I caught up a bit on the activities I missed out on. There's still this translation task that's past due, but I spoke to our head and promised to make up for it on the next episode. 

Hindi ko pala kailangan ng jowa. Ang kailangan ko lang ay tawagin akong bebi ng mga kaibigan ko hmp

 I'm really sad and I want to self-harm. I suppose it's a good think I don't really like physically hurting myself. I don't want to talk to people. I'm waiting for my officemate to leave finish up at work right now, but that's about it. I want to go home and curl up on my bed and I don't think I'd care so much if the world was ending. There was a strong earthquake earlier where I was. I just feel like utter shit, honestly. 

 I have decided to hindi ako magboboyfriend hangga't hindi naaayos ang aking mga ngipin haha baka maaga ako magpustiso sa lagay na 'to. Magkaka-love life pa ba ako nito

 Para akong naiiyak pero walang lumalabas, and so we wait. Anyway, sinasabi ko nga sa'yo ampretty ko kanina hahaha medyo kailangan ko ng validation pero parang hindi na rin

Anyway, bahala na bahala na bahala na

Parang gusto kong uminom

Have I ever recommended a song to u? Check mo to https://youtu.be/U58RIlbGfq4

I like their other song called, "VLS" idk what it stands for but I like it and think of this person I like when I hear it anw gnite slep na me good morning or gnite sau

Edit: I'm back. I've been thinking abt how this unrequited thing is actually good bc it's teaching me not to jump at any possible opportunity to be in a relationship and take my sweet time enjoying myself instead. It gets lonely for sure, pero I'm learning to not flirt back sa mga taong hindi ko naman talaga gusto pero nagpakita ng konting motibo. Haha. If someone liked me for real, they'll do enough to make it known, and if they aren't doing that, then alam ko na. Hahaha. I feel proud na I haven't been going out with guys so much. Tipid din. Hahahaha.

Need ko ng PhilHealth ID para sa GCash ko.

I won't be brilliant, but I just want to live the rest of this little life I have in peace.

Gusto kong uminom at magsoundtrip with a friend I can talk about anything. Tapos may mga masasabi din siyang wala sa script, yung di ko inaasahan. 

I forgot I uploaded this earlier this year. This will be lengthy. I'm so fat but who else will see this, right?

https://youtu.be/6O825H-9388

ang tamlay tamlay today parang gusto ko ng jowa at cuddle hayst pero im ok masaya ako today kasi naka jebs ako after 2 days of being constipated 

pero yung emotionally constipated eme still remains unresolved. 

im taking a break right now from all my supposed commitments

i was drinking sometime last yr and i chanced upon an old exchange between me and a friend and i mentioned na wedding vow na namin ba yun and i cringed because ATHENA HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING OUT THERE 

Nakakahiya :( why do i wear my heart on my sleeve

Tangina nakakahiya talaga kadiri ahahah athena bakit ka ganyan!!!!!!! nakakahiya kaya dapat hindi ako ganun nakakahiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa gusto kong umuwi na 

nasa-sad ako sa totoo lang like souper sad minsan parang gusto kong umiyak pero parang constipation, hindi ko siya mailabas-labas sa di malamang dahilan ahaha :( 

also, naayos na mej ang aking sleeping sched when i started taking melatonin. by the way sana okay ka lang today. ang hirap maging adult, ano? 

okay ka lang ba? parang im worried about you kasi ako i have you pero ikaw who do you have? sana meron ka ring ikaw the same way i have you and my other friends

maulan pa naman sometimes it worsens people's moods. hmmmmmmmmmm

hope it's nicer on your side of the planet, maybe you've been vaccinated already and you can go out with people whose company you enjoy haha if youre not filipino then ure lucky. if ure indian, i mourn with you ahah. if ure western, yay! if ure korean, marry me hahahaha joke lang i dont like the language barrier and i dont like the idea of having to speak english 24/7 gusto ko lang mahiga pag uwi at bumuntong-hininga at magmura nang malutong 

ive downed about 4 cups of coffee na and it isnt really pushing me enough to work ahahah but thats okay, i can forgive myself. i hope u can too on days when ure not at your best, or years. kasi there will be other years to make up for it. ahaha., if youve come across this little blog of mine, that means masamang damo ka rin and that means u still have a lot of years to go (now whether this is a good thing or not, idk lol)

 Remember my post yesterday? Came across this now :))

 I noticed that I don't take photos of my face as much as other people and it would've been okay if the reason for it is because I don't care, but the truth is, I do care. The only thing keeping me from taking selfies is my immense dislike for my face.

I felt like I wanted to show my face on Facebook because "face" book? But when I went through my photos on my Google Drive, there's isn't anything recent that is decent. Lol.

So I tried taking selfies to, you know, push my brain into accepting that this is the face I have whether I like it or not. But idk. I didn't really like it. My skin's glowy tho, but may breakout ako sa noo. Hay.

Sent the photos to a girl friend I was comfortable sharing them to and I find it funny how the first few photos had me trying pa to look decent (not photoshoot level ha, but decent pang-story, ganun) tapos sa dulo, I just gave up and did whatever.

The camera does not love me. Hahahahaha. Okay. I'll try to sleep now. Bumili na rin ako melatonin, sana um-okay na sleep sched ko.

I'll admit something din. The only thing keeping me together is keeping the important things off my mind. Oo, escapist talaga ako. Hahaha. Sinasabi ko lang na tanggap ko na ang mga bagay-bagay, pero hindi ko lang talaga sila pinagtutuunan ng pansin for now, pero medyo napapagod na ako. Also, January pa pala ako nag-uninstall ng dating app (although last labas ko was Feb)–yay!!!!!! It's already July!! 

May kwento pala ako. So meron yung time last week ata na ayokong mag-isa so I looked for someone on my friends list to go out with but there was no one else available but this guy I was in LFS with so we went out. It was honestly a waste of time and money, pero tapos na. Now I know better not to go out with him anymore. Tapos sabi niya split daw kami sa bill at babayaran niya na lang ako sa Gcash pero hindi naman siya nagbabayad. Ayoko na ring singilin kasi ako nga naman yung nagyaya. Pero okay lang, may positive eme naman. Una, napatunayan ko na sa sarili kong may restraint na ako kahit may alak kasi hindi ko talaga siya pinatos hindi ako nagpakita ng kahit anong motibo. And yucks the conversation really annoyed me. I enjoyed talking to his friend more than him. Lol. Ikalawa, I found someone to unfriend. The audacity of this guy to assume na I liked him daw. He thought I have crush on him... Like... We don't even talk much, I don't even give him my time. Okay lang ba siya? Nakakainis. Pero ayun nga, now I know better. And the whole time we were together, I was actually just thinking of my dear, dear crush. Sigh.

Also, speaking of LFS, nalaman ko habang nasa trabaho ako na pinatay ng pulis yung isa sa mga nag-recruit sa akin dun (hello redtagger I already quit btw) :( nanlambot ako sa balita. Ganun lang pala talaga kadali mawala ang mga tao sa buhay natin.

Iniisip ko paano kaya pag namatay magulang ko.

Alam mo, now that I have more time to think about it, I think I'm sad. I hope it's not the Big Sad™ kasi I'm not sure how to go about it anymore.

Siguro ito lang yung sinasabi nilang emotional constipation kaya parang okay pa ako.

Sabi ni Google, when dealing with emotional constipation, you have to acknowledge your feelings and feel them, but I can't because it's going to overflow and it will be too much and no one will be able to handle it, myself included... Especially.

Also, I've been eating rice a lot more lately. While I'm still overweight, I actually lost a bit of weight when I got sick. But I'm gaining them back now anyway. Hahaha.

Wow. There's an update. That's the update. Meron pa. Pero di pa ako ready.

Do you know how stupid I feel when my heart feels like crying but my brain wouldn't budge? Like, "wow, I'm actually dealing with crap right now" but my face is all V(^__^)V I don't like it. Hahaha. I don't even feel like turning to alcohol to help me release.

Sana may Dulcolax for feelings so that I can flush them away. Cheesy, pero pagbigyan mo na ako.

Gusto ko lang malaman mong the sweeter the song, the sadder it makes me feel kasi I'll never have that. All I'm saying is "All I Wanna Do" by The Beach Boys makes me feel so sad lalo na dun sa 1:17 mark??? :((( yieee iiyak na yan pati rin "All My Stars Aligned" :c Feeling ko sleep deprived ako today ulit. Ilang buwan nang apat na oras lang tulog ko. Pangit talaga tulog ko pag prime shift ako. :(

Alam mo, parang gusto kong magsulat. Pero takot na ako sobra. I think suko na talaga ako... I wish I had the time.

If you're wondering if I don't have friends I can reach out to, I do have friends, but everyone's busy living their own lives right now so I get it. Besides, if there's anyone I want to hang out with, it's just with a few specific people. Dalawa lang actually. Lol.

 

 I've been thinking about dying lately. I hope when it happens you cry for me oo kulang ako sa aruga

Joke. While the aruga bit is true, the first part is no longer true.i don't want u to cry for me anymore I don't care.

 Thank u sa'yo :))))))))

Nalulungkot ako ayokong mag-isa ngayon pero wala akong mapuntahan

 Nanaginip ako nagcuddle kami ni crush pero may white lady na ginigilitan ng leeg sa tabi namin and we're like "ano ba yan nood nga tayo ibang movie yung hindi horror" pero lahat daw ng available movies ay heavy drama o horror ano na din pakaweird

 About the previous post, no I have no lingering feelings I just hope they're ok and I'm also this vulnerable bc I'm tired and feeling like crap I dropped by Watsons and found a cologne I like hehehehe so excited to use it and I'll be trying miscellar water since I can't find my usual toner and I got me dog multivitamins hopefully it gets her drowsy haha I forgot to buy my own meds ahahah I'm too lazy to go out na pls huhu I'm tired I've been so tired I barely have the energy to binge watch 

Half a year has passed and idk what's up anymore. My other friends are demotivated as well and aren't sure abt graduating anymore. Me, maybe I'll do it next yr instead. I'm fucking tired. I want to feel drunk without getting drunk or not. Idk. Wow is this adulting—losing my love for getting drunk? Hahaha I just wanna feel okay and calm and motivated I weigh 13 kgs more than I should but I'm too lazy to exercise

I wanna go to the vet or walk my dog but I'm too lazy and this hyperacidity thing is uncomfortable

I also wanna buy nipple tape so that I don't need to wear a bra anymore bras are so uncomfortable

I hate feeling unwell bc I get so soft and sad and I feel like crying and I want a mom who'll make me soup or smth and I wanna cuddle what a fucking baby yucks anyway

I was going to use the pabili service on Grab but I realized gamot pala bibilhin ko lol

 I'm feeling so crappy bc of too much coffee that my ex came to mind for some goddamn reason anyway I was wondering am I still hung up, scared I won't ever be in a relationship again, or am I just traumtized idk 

Feel so sick I've been throwing up lots lately gnite I'm not preggo I just feel sick

 im so scared of the days that have gone by because i think just one small trigger and ill be back at it and im really really trying to stay okay and im thankful for my dog and i miss her and i just wanna be with her and i dont wanna work :( i think i need to file for a vacation leave but im not sure what to do and im broke my savings are almost all gone im so sad i wish i was in a better place funny how getting my phone stolen was all it took huhu maybe i shouldve waited till november to buy a new phone idk no this is worth it and even my frens say i dont need to pressure myself because i got me two new cabinets and theyre also investments and i got me a bed so like?? but idk idk idk :(( im so poor :(( 

how did i get to feeling this sad again :c

 "sometimes i think finding a decent person you can really love is just up to luck but lately ive been wondering if im that kind of person in the first place"

cant believe i picked this up from a manhwa

 Hi pls congratulate me I'm ok with this unrequited feelings thingy majiggy. I came across this post abt this girl who shared how she was in a situationship with someone who kept on pushing back kesyo he's not ready to have a gf but the girl eventually met someone else who was down for her . Like my situation is different pa rin naman kasi I put myself in this situation and there's no one else haha (I think?) pero totoo why settle for someone who doesn't like you the way you like them!! Tama!! If kaibigan ko tong ganito kakaltukan ko sarili ko kasi it's called self inflicted pain and we don't want that lol anyway I still stand by what I said abt not wanting to lose any people anymore tsaka bahala na hahaha anyway nung una torn ako sa true love waits pero ewan I think I'm old enough na for this. Haha. Also wala sakto lang. Takot pa rin akong baka nga hindi ako kamahal-mahal pero ayaw ko rin naman baguhin yung nakaka-turn off sa akin which means comfortable ako dun so magsettle na lang ako sa sarili ko since ako lang naman yung okay sa sarili ko haha sana naiintindihan mo pa ako also hindi mo na ako masugid na sinusubaybayan nagtatampo ako char hindi to required wala ako pasweldo sayo pero wait ko na lang bumalik ka. Akalain mo yung medyo nagwowork pala 'tong kausapin ko sarili ko lololol

I'm good I'm good work is shit work is still shit!! 

But life isn't so bad.

Also an ate girl stared at my boobs otw home like I know teh it's the bra dey be looking good

**

This episode of Hospital Playlist made me realize wala talagang mahirap na small things for the people you value in your life

 i hate my brain i think everyone hates me right now tbh and im annoyed at everyone and i think i just wanna go home and play with my dog. we played some sort of fetch earlier this morning and i was a little productive at home i did a bit of the laundry and also picked up my clothes from the laundryshop ahah i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad and dizzy and shitty 

on one hand i lich rally googled "why feel shitty after criticism" and i thought it's because im ultimately a self absorbed bitch (which i can be, admittedly) but not to self diagnose pero this kinda made me feel valid but hindi ako magmamarunong 

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/criticism-depression-and-anxiety

maybe i am depressed? who knows right god i hate seeing the people here i want them off my sight

anyway, this is not to say that i cannot take criticism. i can! and the people i trust are honest! just as i am honest with them! hays. i fucking hate work. i cannot function right now. i woke up at 7:07 PM it's a fucking miracle i am not late for work (thank u angkas) i hate my boss i hate work i fucking hate work i wanna cry i wanna cry i fucking hate how worthless it makes me feel i feel so fucking worthless i kinda wanna die 

wow damn everyone's in a bad mood :c this feels awful :c and heavy :c it's making my head hurt and i think i really wanna cry yeah im just holding back my tears cause im in the office god.

yeah i couldnt stop them from falling anyway i really hate myself right now 

wow feels like im dissociating again ahaha

 i am kalm. no more yearning. ok meron pa rin onti but not as bad as the last time. i am kalm and accepting!!!!!!!!!!! and kalm!

also my phone got stolen methinks ahha

 hi ang OA siguro nito pero ive been reading about fibromyalgia and allodynia and it does not apply to me but i wanna be sushi rolled right now it's my first time taking advil bc i really cannot bear the headache anymore my head was in pain the moment i woke up and it still hurts till now ugh i wanna go home and sleep my body feels so tender all over ackkk 

 do all men really cheat :c sabi dito sa binabasa ko, "Infidelity happens in bad marriages and in good marriages, so the idea that having a “perfect” marriage will prevent infidelity is a fallacy."

ano na rin i mean ako rin naman ive done it hayst 

hayst

hayst

ayoko na ang hopeless ata ng relationships

gusto ko nang magbirthday

 i feel like crap but i can still go to work and im sad bc of a super irrational thing but it's ok im a little wary of you kasi baka ikaw pala yon hahaha akala ko si Lucena ka ih pero i cut him off na yay felt nice tbh

Pero sige sabihin ko na haha also sino ka kaya salamat sa pagsubaybay hahaha joke don't tell me

Hays ayoko pa rin pala sabihin hahaha kaya ko namang magkimkim CHOUR that's on character development 

Hintayin ko na lang mawala we dont wanna fuck things up do we hays

I'm better than I was before but ofc i still wanna be loved hahaha except i want it from someone particular pero eniwayz hays im good im good who knows it might get the creative juicez flowing

O di ba wala rin sinabi ko na rin hahahha sorry i am just a hole sir hahaha

Pero alam mo. Idk. Iba yung nararamdaman ko. Like. I can't even think of indecent thoughts around this person. When I catch myself doing so or joking abt such, I shush myself kasi i think he doesn't deserve to be thought of as such? Like. I think he deserves the most tender of things. Basically, it's more than a sexual urge. I'm over that phase anyway. Oh, to be stupid. I just wanna sleep beside him. (literally) 

I'm taking a break from men and dating and hooking up hoping it counts for something. I know this is completely stupid, but who knows, right? It's not like isusumbat ko kung kanino (sa kanya o sa kung sinumang higher being) na, "I'm saving myself for you and working on becoming my best self so I can share that with you" r u really doing stuff to be your best self lol pero ayon nga malay natin may konting stash of luck pa pala akong nakatago sa cosmos. Idk if it makes sense haha it makes sense to me that's all that matters. If I told anyone else about this I'm quite sure they'll think I'm nuts BECAUSE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE LOL but it does to me ok?? It's like making a deal with the devil except it's a deal between me and an unknown entity slash higher being slash the universe. Seriously. Idk. The pull of gravity? Nature? Idk. Hahaha. 

 I know this is a thankless task, one that only I've agreed to. Wala namang nakakaalam bakit ko 'to ginagawa. Wala namang may nagsabing kailangan ko 'tong gawin para may patunayan ako. It's like one of those running jokes na "boyfriend ko siya pero ako lang may alam" but instead it goes like, "I'm on a sabbatical to prove something pointless" pero oks lang it's not entirely pointless and thankless i also need this for myself, it's been awfully nice to take a breather from dating. 

This is good for myself. And I'll be waiting for when these stupid thoughts are gone. It's ok. I'm not good enough for him anyway. It's ok. 

Sigh. Idk how to elaborate my thoughts but ang lawak pa ng mga parts sa mundong hindi namin nacocover bakit ko ipagdidildilan sarili ko tama tama tama I'm just 23 I'm still so young. I'll get over this fuck period my body's been fucking sore for weeks stoko magpamasahe

Someone from work told me na wala daw bearing 'tong feelings ko kasi wala naman daw sex pero ewan ko ako lang naman makakapagsabi alin ang mas matimbang eh kasi mas kilala ko sarili ko?? Hindi ko na rin pinaliwanag yung full context kasi bakit pa. Hahaha. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng advice eh. I know I'm being irrational and I know what I need to do. Granted, it's sad nga, but no means no.

Bakit ba kasi hindi na lang ako Koreanang may naka-in love-ang kapitbahay tapos 10 yrs kaming nagpipigil para slow burn hahahahahhahaha

I also had a weird dream haha I dreamt i was back in my old elementary school tapos may masarap na strawberry drink and nakapila ako along with other beauty queens kasi may napanalunan daw akong pageant (WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DI BA IF U KNOW ME PERSONALLY, YOU'D KNOW THIS IS DOWNRIGHT ODD) tas may tinatago palang feelings sa akin si Janine Tugonon tas we kissed in public like sa pila tas nag step down kami parehas and gave up our titles hahahaha fucking weird. don't judge me hahahaha i was even like, "no dont kiss me i havent brushed my teeth yet and i just ate something" and her lips tasted like one of those fruity lipsticks someone gave me in high school lmaoooooo if u think this is my awakening, not really. Idk. I mean i could not be straight but eh i haven't really liked a girl

i am malat and colds galore and i just wanna be loved and i hate this bloody period and i am a litol sad but it's manageable i dont want to have a body anymore gusto ko na lang maging floating entity na walang concrete form

 I'm surprisingly ok!!! 

 Ayoko nang grumaduate siguro hindi ko na masikmura nangyayari 

 ew ew ew ew ew i wish i could undo whatever happened last time ew ew ew ew ayoko ng corny stuff i dont even like him back can i ghost him char no we are supportive but are we even friends? i never thought this person and i were friends for starters ang weird i feel so uncomfortable and i dont like it.