I look shittier.

Is this what growth and aging looks like?

I think I only get uglier by the day.

And I'm scared no guy's ever going to think I'm pretty. And I know I shouldn't want anyone else's validation, but right now, it would be nice to feel wanted.

While I don't miss my ex, it would be nice to have someone I can be intimate with–and I don't [solely] mean sex. I miss being in a relationship. I know I'm not in tiptop shape (yet), but this is how I feel right now.

I know what's right, okay? Pero parang okay ring magkamali paminsan-minsan. Baka kaya pala nagtitiyaga yung iba sa kakapiranggot na atensyong nakukuha nila, kasi minsan mas mainam na yung ganun kesa wala. Kahit mali. Kasi kahit ayos lang naman madalas, minsan kailangan din ng pantawid gutom.

Nakakalungkot ding mag-isa.

I've been told many times over and by many people to not show everyone my vulnerability, that not everyone deserves it, but it's about to spill and I don't have anyone. Just you. Lol. Sorry. 

I need a real person, an actual friend. But it's okay. I won't always have people right by.

I want to shut down. I feel like shit. Sana nga pagpapaka-edgy lang yung ganitong lungkot, pero alam mo ba yung lungkot na parang gusto mong hugutin yung puso mo sa sobrang sakit, yung parang ganun lang yung makakapagpatahan sa akin. 

These days, tuwing sinasabi kong okay lang mabuhay mag-isa kapag tinatanong nila ako kung kumusta yung ganito, it's not really okay. Ang lungkot. 

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa.

Bakit ba hindi na lang ako nagkaroon ng buhay na gaya dun sa mga nababasa o napapanood ko? Parang ang hirap namang sumugal sa posibilidad lang, kasi in reality, I can die a miserable fuck.

I can't even sleep. I can't sleep these thoughts away.