Ang unfair. Bakit ganito lang ako kadaling iwan. Lol. I've come to terms with the idea that life might not get any better than this, and this might probably sound defeatist, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much again.

I was speaking to a workmate outside the office, we hung out. It was actually supposed to be my me time, but I asked her to come with me since we were just right across the mall and right in the midst of traffic anyway. It would've been awkward to just leave her alone in the jeep. 

While we were eating, she said, "Ano pa kayang pwedeng pag-usapan?" And I realized I'm a hollow shell. Other than that, I don't see anything else I can talk about with anyone at work. I miss Jea. I miss Ryan. There's no one else I can talk to about other stuff but them.

That workmate and I ended up ranting about work from the mall till I got off the jeepney on our way home–it was the only thing we could talk about.

I miss Ryan. He was my favorite person. He was the best. Now, there is no best. That spot's just left blank until he comes back and takes his space again. If he ever does. If he even does. It feels like he's not in my life anymore. 

I'm rationalizing how I feel about things, because it's easier to cope that way. If I don't, it'll all just flow. And now I can't even say I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I know I have strong tendencies to talk too much and talk over people. And I'm trying to overcome that, really. And I'm trying not to be the friend people need to adjust to. Because I can also adjust. But I miss him. 

I hope he comes back. But there's always the possibility he never will. And that's totally fine. And I normally am a pessimist about things. But I'm hopeful on this.

What's sad about people who aren't in your life anymore is when you still have so much to give to them that it overflows, but they're not around to take it from you anymore, so now you're stuck with things you can't even claim anymore as yours because it has their name on it. In blaring red. And it's easy to say I can just give it to myself–self-care as kids say these days–but this isn't for myself. I don't need this. I have enough. It's easy to think that I can give it elsewhere, to someone else, maybe... But would it feel nice giving away secondhand goods to someone who wouldn't really be able to make good use of it? It's not a sincere gift.

 What puzzles me though is if I have this much to give, then why do I feel like an empty shell?

 For someone talkative, I can't find people I can be real with. 

I don't think I'm getting any sleep today.