i hate my brain i think everyone hates me right now tbh and im annoyed at everyone and i think i just wanna go home and play with my dog. we played some sort of fetch earlier this morning and i was a little productive at home i did a bit of the laundry and also picked up my clothes from the laundryshop ahah i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad and dizzy and shitty 

on one hand i lich rally googled "why feel shitty after criticism" and i thought it's because im ultimately a self absorbed bitch (which i can be, admittedly) but not to self diagnose pero this kinda made me feel valid but hindi ako magmamarunong 

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/criticism-depression-and-anxiety

maybe i am depressed? who knows right god i hate seeing the people here i want them off my sight

anyway, this is not to say that i cannot take criticism. i can! and the people i trust are honest! just as i am honest with them! hays. i fucking hate work. i cannot function right now. i woke up at 7:07 PM it's a fucking miracle i am not late for work (thank u angkas) i hate my boss i hate work i fucking hate work i wanna cry i wanna cry i fucking hate how worthless it makes me feel i feel so fucking worthless i kinda wanna die 

wow damn everyone's in a bad mood :c this feels awful :c and heavy :c it's making my head hurt and i think i really wanna cry yeah im just holding back my tears cause im in the office god.

yeah i couldnt stop them from falling anyway i really hate myself right now 

wow feels like im dissociating again ahaha

 i am kalm. no more yearning. ok meron pa rin onti but not as bad as the last time. i am kalm and accepting!!!!!!!!!!! and kalm!

also my phone got stolen methinks ahha

 hi ang OA siguro nito pero ive been reading about fibromyalgia and allodynia and it does not apply to me but i wanna be sushi rolled right now it's my first time taking advil bc i really cannot bear the headache anymore my head was in pain the moment i woke up and it still hurts till now ugh i wanna go home and sleep my body feels so tender all over ackkk 

 do all men really cheat :c sabi dito sa binabasa ko, "Infidelity happens in bad marriages and in good marriages, so the idea that having a “perfect” marriage will prevent infidelity is a fallacy."

ano na rin i mean ako rin naman ive done it hayst 

hayst

hayst

ayoko na ang hopeless ata ng relationships

gusto ko nang magbirthday

 i feel like crap but i can still go to work and im sad bc of a super irrational thing but it's ok im a little wary of you kasi baka ikaw pala yon hahaha akala ko si Lucena ka ih pero i cut him off na yay felt nice tbh

Pero sige sabihin ko na haha also sino ka kaya salamat sa pagsubaybay hahaha joke don't tell me

Hays ayoko pa rin pala sabihin hahaha kaya ko namang magkimkim CHOUR that's on character development 

Hintayin ko na lang mawala we dont wanna fuck things up do we hays

I'm better than I was before but ofc i still wanna be loved hahaha except i want it from someone particular pero eniwayz hays im good im good who knows it might get the creative juicez flowing

O di ba wala rin sinabi ko na rin hahahha sorry i am just a hole sir hahaha

Pero alam mo. Idk. Iba yung nararamdaman ko. Like. I can't even think of indecent thoughts around this person. When I catch myself doing so or joking abt such, I shush myself kasi i think he doesn't deserve to be thought of as such? Like. I think he deserves the most tender of things. Basically, it's more than a sexual urge. I'm over that phase anyway. Oh, to be stupid. I just wanna sleep beside him. (literally) 

I'm taking a break from men and dating and hooking up hoping it counts for something. I know this is completely stupid, but who knows, right? It's not like isusumbat ko kung kanino (sa kanya o sa kung sinumang higher being) na, "I'm saving myself for you and working on becoming my best self so I can share that with you" r u really doing stuff to be your best self lol pero ayon nga malay natin may konting stash of luck pa pala akong nakatago sa cosmos. Idk if it makes sense haha it makes sense to me that's all that matters. If I told anyone else about this I'm quite sure they'll think I'm nuts BECAUSE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE LOL but it does to me ok?? It's like making a deal with the devil except it's a deal between me and an unknown entity slash higher being slash the universe. Seriously. Idk. The pull of gravity? Nature? Idk. Hahaha. 

 I know this is a thankless task, one that only I've agreed to. Wala namang nakakaalam bakit ko 'to ginagawa. Wala namang may nagsabing kailangan ko 'tong gawin para may patunayan ako. It's like one of those running jokes na "boyfriend ko siya pero ako lang may alam" but instead it goes like, "I'm on a sabbatical to prove something pointless" pero oks lang it's not entirely pointless and thankless i also need this for myself, it's been awfully nice to take a breather from dating. 

This is good for myself. And I'll be waiting for when these stupid thoughts are gone. It's ok. I'm not good enough for him anyway. It's ok. 

Sigh. Idk how to elaborate my thoughts but ang lawak pa ng mga parts sa mundong hindi namin nacocover bakit ko ipagdidildilan sarili ko tama tama tama I'm just 23 I'm still so young. I'll get over this fuck period my body's been fucking sore for weeks stoko magpamasahe

Someone from work told me na wala daw bearing 'tong feelings ko kasi wala naman daw sex pero ewan ko ako lang naman makakapagsabi alin ang mas matimbang eh kasi mas kilala ko sarili ko?? Hindi ko na rin pinaliwanag yung full context kasi bakit pa. Hahaha. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng advice eh. I know I'm being irrational and I know what I need to do. Granted, it's sad nga, but no means no.

Bakit ba kasi hindi na lang ako Koreanang may naka-in love-ang kapitbahay tapos 10 yrs kaming nagpipigil para slow burn hahahahahhahaha

I also had a weird dream haha I dreamt i was back in my old elementary school tapos may masarap na strawberry drink and nakapila ako along with other beauty queens kasi may napanalunan daw akong pageant (WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DI BA IF U KNOW ME PERSONALLY, YOU'D KNOW THIS IS DOWNRIGHT ODD) tas may tinatago palang feelings sa akin si Janine Tugonon tas we kissed in public like sa pila tas nag step down kami parehas and gave up our titles hahahaha fucking weird. don't judge me hahahaha i was even like, "no dont kiss me i havent brushed my teeth yet and i just ate something" and her lips tasted like one of those fruity lipsticks someone gave me in high school lmaoooooo if u think this is my awakening, not really. Idk. I mean i could not be straight but eh i haven't really liked a girl

i am malat and colds galore and i just wanna be loved and i hate this bloody period and i am a litol sad but it's manageable i dont want to have a body anymore gusto ko na lang maging floating entity na walang concrete form

 I'm surprisingly ok!!! 

 Ayoko nang grumaduate siguro hindi ko na masikmura nangyayari 

 ew ew ew ew ew i wish i could undo whatever happened last time ew ew ew ew ayoko ng corny stuff i dont even like him back can i ghost him char no we are supportive but are we even friends? i never thought this person and i were friends for starters ang weird i feel so uncomfortable and i dont like it. 

 What kind of a fighter are you?

Naisip ko lang that when I do fight, I'd like to think I fight with conviction. Nakakapagod din palang maging ako. 

 Ang pangit ng tulog ko lately madalas na rin akong nagigising na umiiyak hayst skl

 Uunahan ko na universe ha, ayoko na ng December 2020 part two, yung ang lala ng yearning ko ng October tapos biglang nagkanda-leche leche na yung sumunod na buwan. Pls lang. Nakakalungkot minsan pero nananahimik na pepe ko. 

 I gave my puppy a bath hehe she smells so good na hehe i just need to clean her ears and brush her teeth

 Hi. Share ko lang sa'yo ang aking random tot.

Sunod-sunod akong nakakita ng buntis ngayon habang naglalakad pauw tapos naisip ko sana buntis na lang ako kasi sometimes it's a badge na you're wanted and I'm not getting any thinner or prettier or younger tsaka siguro para may false sense of purpose in life na ako hahaha char tapos papalaglag para valid pa rin for maternity leave CHOUR ONLY ahaha Medyo gusto ko nang sukuan 'tong tuta ko. Hindi naman dahil nakakatamad maglinis, it's become part of routine na pero wala lang. Hays. Ang kulit. Gusto ko na ring sukuang ga-graduate ako this year.

Also realized I'm never gonna find love outside of dating apps. Sad. Tangina am i really just a hole to stick a piece of meat in

 I hope you're gay. Or maybe that I'm gay. God. Anyway. Ackkkk. Ang cute ng crush ko punyeta. Gets ko namang unrequited talaga. Okay lang talaga. Pero ackkkkk. Parang nahihiya akong mag-exist kasi he deserves so much? Parang hindi ko deserve na maging nasa mundo niya lolol does that make sense ang cute niya gagu nakakainis nakakainis nakakainis

Nakakahiya ngang malaman niya pang crush ko siya lol he deserves so much. Anyway, di na naman ako makakatulog kasi may nagpupukpok na naman.

Okay tatantanan ko na 'tong crush ko. Kakalma lang ako. It's not going to happen anyway. I'll just focus on myself. Bakit ang awkward pag sinabing mahal pero magaan lang pag yung word na love yung gamit?

I still hope it happens. But in case it really won't, okay lang din. 

 Hi.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't think I'm really okay, but I'm happy for my friends and I think I shouldn't burden them with this na. They've been there so much for me, I want to be there for naman. Pero kahit ikaw na lang. I don't feel happy. I don't want to function. I don't want to graduate anymore. I'm so tired.

I'm not going to tell any of my friends na lang. It's okay. 

Thanks for giving me the time of day. :)

***

People are going to see you. And I'm sorry that I can't keep my eyes off of you, but such is love. 

—that's a note from last month lmao

 Possible pala talagang magmahal ng tao tapos di mo na dama yung need na ipagpilitan yung sarili mo sa kanya tapos masaya ka na lang para sa kanya tapos gusto mo lang na andun siya kaya kung ibig sabihin nun, ganun na lang. Safe na rin naman 'to. Kung oo, e di oo. Kung hindi, e di hindi.

Syempre, ramdam ko namang di ko rin naman aayawan kung sakaling masuklian 'to—he's what comes to mind even on my darnedest, drunken nights, pero he doesn't have to know anymore. I'll just be around him, and he'll just be around me, and that's okay.

Or epekto lang ba 'to ng Boyhood ni Linklater? Lol. I didn't really think I'd take the time to listen to Beatles songs back to back, but now I appreciate the song.

Siguro ito yung kapalit nung pag-iyak ko sa highway last weekend habang nakikinig din sa mga kanta. Siguro kahit naman masakit nung time na yon, alam ko namang deep down na hindi talaga. Okay lang. Biruin mo, nalasing ako, pero never ko siya dinrunk chat. May restraint na yiee. Haha. Magsasabbatical na rin talaga ako sa mga lalaki. 

 I don't care if the glass is half empty or half full, but there's water at least and I can take sips of it till I find more (water)

HAYS HAYS HAYS

 ayoko na magwork gusto ko nang umalis dito ayoko na magtrabaho gusto ko na lang maging palamon at matulog forever.. i dont want to stay here pero tinatamad akong kumilos para makaalis dito. i'm so tired.

 Ang pangit, kanina pa pala ako umiiyak sa tulog ko. I'm trying to calm myself down now and stop crying. Ang daming mga bagay na, ngayon ko narealize, isinantabi ko lang pala. But that's how it gets easier to take on each day. It hurts to remember how unwanted I've been. Sana nga di na lang ako pinanganak. Wala namang mawawala.

Ang pangit ng panaginip ko. Ayoko nang ishare sa'yo pero ayaw ko ring makalimutan. Ayoko nang magshare sa'yo. Hindi naman kita kilala. At di ko rin gustong malaman kung sino ka. Mas nararamadaman ko lang na ang pabigat ko.

In my dream, my uncle asked bakit di raw ako umalis. Apparently, dun ako nakatira sa kanila (na naman lol) and I asked him kung seryoso ba siyang kinukumpara niya ako sa iba. Eh wala naman akong mauuwian, sabi ko. Sabi ko pa, "Gets ko na pag the more intimate relationships are, the messier they get." But do they really have to be messy? Are relationships really messy or am I just saying that because it's all I've known?

Magmo-mothers day pala ano? Lala ng mommy issues ko wtf. Mas mabigat pa sa daddy issues ko. Hahahahahahahaha burat. 

 Maybe this is it. 

 I think it's better to look into burial stuff for when I die instead of housing. I'm so fucking tired.

Time check 3:03 i should be asleep instead im fucking high 

 Amazed ako kasi 4 days pala akong hindi sumisilip sa main messenger ko (sumisilip ako in case may hanash re: scule & werq)

I don't know if this is a motherforking reach, but if it weren't for this incompetent gov't, maybe my mental health would be in a better state because clinics wouldn't be forced to close for business.

May mga tao talagang mukhang pang-Wong Kar Wai film, ano? Ako mukha akong pang-Philippine comedy, e. Tapos yung tacky kind. Not even Eugene Domingo levels. Or Pokwang. Siguro Vice Ganda quality minus the glitz. Wong Kar Wai film people are beautiful people, I tell you. Ang sarap nilang titigan the whole day. 

Burat.

Life is so shitty. I hate being told na may choice, kasi kung nadadala sa choice lahat, my life won't be as shit. People try, but they can only do so to a certain extent. When the cards you're given are always against you, nakakapagod ding labanan ya know?

I'm so sad. I really don't mind dying.

Nararamdaman kong if mag-work from home setup ako, baka back to where I was na naman ako na super unmotivated. Right now, kumakapit lang ako ma-hit yung daily target at work, hindi ko na kaya magpabibo.

I feel like crap. 

Hope the past few days were better for you.

Thanks for still being around, you. I know this is so self-centered of me to say, but I appreciate you reading my nonsense and repetitive rants.

It doesn't feel like I'm talking to a wall. 

I hope I'm not draining for you. I understand I can be like that.

I feel bad kasi may trainee na nagtry dagdagan productivity niya, kaso mali yung ginawa niya tapos sinabihan ko. Tapos di niya napakinabangan. Tapos ako yung nakinabang, pero pulido naman yung ginawa ko. Pero I still feel bad.

Sana mamatay na lang ako. 

 Hi i ate two of my ✨magic brownies✨ and im fucking pissed kasi pota hindi naman eto sativa (?) POTA inaantok ako pero nilalabanan ko kasi gusto kong manood ng mobie pero pota tulog lang ako ng tulog antukin na nga ako without it susko balak ko pa namang kainin to sa work buti na lang hindi ko ginawa also kakaburat kakaubos ko lang apat na lata ng reno tapos hinaluan ko konting mayonnaise ang baboy pero ang sarap

Ok sana makapanood na ako mobie

Still feelimg like shit,, i domt feel like meeting up with friends,, my head also fuck ng hurts i domt wanma be human

 I feel like shit I can't sleep this shitty feeling is so heavy kinda wanna self harm kinda scared to do it too kinda wanna die kinda holding back

:)) happy payday

Deactivating my facebook is how i pretend ive deleted myself from the world 

Super wanna die pala not kinda haha can't sleep

 I dont wanna wake up from my sleep i feel like i should be hurt parang deserve ko masaktan parang pag sasaktan ako physically, things will be better, clean slate ulit

Feeling ko deserve ko masaktan gusto ko saktan ako ewan ko i feel like shit

I want to delete myself i want to push everyone away i feel like im so bad and im super useless and no good for anyone i wanna die

I have no future i have nothing going for me

I want to die

Im useless im a waste of space i want to die

I wish i could slit my wrists or something but im too scared to do that the only way i know is to overdose but it's never worked and im scared of thr hospital expsnse if it fails again

I know i can just ingest muriatic acid to get it done and over with but im scared too? 

 Sana si Ryan na lang etong consistent kong reader dito. O kaya si Airene o si Joe. Kahit si Lucas pa. Pero wag lang si Romeo. Hahaha. Kahit ex ko pa. O si Samantha. Hayst.

Pagod na pagod ako. Gahhhhhh

How am I this cute and with no one to date, huh???? I wanna get drunk and lie down on the grass or something. I hope the brownies I got make me feel better, even just a little bit. :c 

On a lighter note, I guess there's been progress with how I've been managing myself and my emotions. 

My manager also said this:

Thank god when we talked I was the only one left in the office. Otherwise, it would've been embarrassing because I couldn't hold back my tears then, yucks. Lol. 

I want to be okay. I also have not had a wink of sleep today. I hope I get through the day okay. 

I also realized that the reason why it hasn't stung when this particular someone rejected me is because he doesn't have anyone atm afaik but the thought that it won't and can't be me kind of hurt. Parang kinurot dibdib ko kanina nung na-realize ko 'to. Maybe I can use that and channel it into something productive. Sigh. 

I just want to be good. 

Hi anonymous reader, ikaw na lang date ko? I was talking earlier to someone I knew from ask/fm and I told them I'm content with the intimacy I share with my friends and that there's a quick fix if it's anything sex-related. While the latter part is true—yes, surprise, surprise—it still gets lonely. Like right now. But what can I do, right? I want to stop fucking things up. I want things to please, please, please work out. I know I'm too lazy to work out, but can I have this work out for me? I know I don't need to be with anyone to say I've won in life, but I do not want to be alone, please lang. No. 

Kaya ko naman. Pero it would be really fucking nice to have someone I can run to and just lie down with. 

Yucks talaga, these thoughts, I know. 

Maybe it's the hormones talking. Maybe not. 

Imagine, my standards were never unattainable ever since but shit still doesn't go my way. Sure, I have my share of the blame, but like????????? Please lang. 

I want to be okay. I want to be good. 

Sure na ba akong mag-aaral ako ulit kung matapos ko man 'to? Talaga na ba? Pakshet talaga. 

Hindi na ba ako kamahal-mahal kasi tuwang-tuwa akong sabihin yung word na 'burat'? 

Alam kong di ako lingunin level na type ng babae pero ganun ba talaga sila kadehado? 

Oh my god the fucking yearning. I'll get over this another day and then realize I'm not okay pa for anyone, can't be with anyone yet. Even if the cosmos gives me the best man there is for me, chances are, I'll still fuck it up kasi that's how ill-prepared I am for it. I tend to sabotage them. 

Why can't I just fall in love with a childhood friend or something—that's because I have none? Lol. I moved back and forth often that I couldn't have lasting friendships. Hahahha. Shunga.

Gusto kong ugatin naman sa isang lugar, please lang. 

I also have two more plants now hehe 

Life is shit, I just get quick breaks every now and then to forget that, even for just a little while. 

I feel so fucking sad. Not even Monster drink can make me feel better. 

 Would my younger self like me right now? I don't feel okay. 

My period is delayed, my breasts are sore but they do be looking good doe lol and i feel like crap someone i hooked up w last yr wants to hang out and i dont want to. can we just stay twitter mutuals pls

My breasts do be feeling so sensitive (as in tender not sensitive as in sex thing) huhuhuhu 😢 why why why my period so delayed huhu 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

I want to eat kimchi with everything 

I woke up crying today. Too bad I can't remember my dream. I'm sure the setting was a little influenced by The Shimmer from Annihilation, and about my grandma? And someone might have died.

I remember I was in this hotel room and I couldn't find my room. Tapos may Kpop din sa panaginip ko. Pero ayon nagising akong umiiyak. Hahaha. 

Bahala na. 

 Hello,

I want to be the type of person who would just lay everything bare. I was a firm believer of accepting and letting my emotions flow. I'm still like that on most of days, but today I realized that I've changed. Now if this is good or bad, I don't know yet. Is this maturity—putting your emotions on hold because of, say, work? I still can't really say I'm doing well with managing myself because I'm currently ignoring my thesis groupmates. I don't want to do this anymore. I realized I've wasted 4 years of my life. I think the program is fun, but for someone who genuinely wants to learn, this is not the correct avenue to do so. There are limited opportunities to learn here. I want to study again.

This Big Sad™ session also made me realize I'm okay with living alone, but I'm also scared because what if moving in with someone is something I need and I'm just pushing the idea aside because it's something I haven't tried yet?

I honestly don't know. 

I've been talking to ng to a friend and I also realized (sidenote: hehe, I'm learning about myself ano?) Anyway, I realized that I've always been committed in my past relationships. They just never worked out because that's just life. All the times I was in a relationship–after high school, that is—I was serious with all of them enough to envision a future with them. I also realized that although it may be too young for me to assume this, maybe romantic love isn't for me, which is a little sad because I know want to love and be loved despite everything.

But I wonder if I'm not worthy of love. I know I am, but why does no one like me. Lol. 

People used to say I'd probably be a singer when I was younger. People say I could be a writer and that I'd do well. People say I could be in broadcasting, that it suits me well. What the fuck happened? What the fuck have I become? Why am I this talentless person now? I feel like a waste of space. 

I'm drinking right now. I have no qualms with doing overtime work, to be honest. It's just that I feel like shit. Ang ambag ni Jules sa buhay ko ay ang stock ko ng alak. Salamat. 

My work is asking for a medical certificate and a diagnosis for this mental health thing. I know I've always wanted to inquire about being diagnosed so that I could give this shitshow I constantly deal with a name, because I feel like there really is something wrong. But I don't know how to ask for it. It feels too early, too. I don't want to look like I'm asking to be diagnosed, that I'm begging for something to be wrong with me. Although I feel like there is. But I'm not the expert. Lol.

My clothes are a mess again, and I don't feel like existing. My weekends are always like this. I feel like shit. 

Why do I still beg for love and affection like a stray puppy? It's grossing me out, but it is what it is.

I don't care if I end up bartending or living in a rundown apartment of some sort, I never aimed to be rich. I just want to be at peace with myself and find my place in this world.

Maybe what makes me unworthy of love is that alagain ako. Like right now. I don't want to hookup anymore, but it's the closest to love I'll ever get (aside from platonic love, which I have an abundance of). So why is that not enough? Why nga ba. Lol.

Even P**** is having a baby. Sigh. 

I don't know where I'm headed in therapy. Maybe I'm really okay. Idk. Am I already okay or still fucked up and just used to the fuckery? 

 Hello, magaling na ako from my sipon. Rhinitis nga lang siguro 'yon. Naisip ko madalas, gusto kong magpa-diagnose kasi I guess it would be nice to have something concrete to hold on to, to have a name for when I feel like shit, pero nahihiya pa akong magtanong sa therapist ko paano magpa-diagnose.

He told me to keep journalling and that I should practice organizing my rants in such a way na I'd be able to identify the trigger, immediate reaction, etc. Tinatamad pa akong simulan. Lol.

Siguro, counted itong today. I saw this tweet about Eurydice and Orpheus, and it started this nice conversation between me and a very good friend.

Link to tweet here

I want to ask you din, reader, how would you have dealt with the situation had you been in Orpheus' shoes? But of course, you're not going to answer. I hope you will though, I'm genuinely curious. 

So, I guess lumalabas din character ko. I'm not sure if maganda ba yung decision ko. If we know each other irl, sana friends pa rin tayo kahit na medyo bobo ako. Hahaha. I don't know if anything I said on the screencaps made sense. 

It's nice to talk about things like this. When I talk with friends it's always about how work has been, how we're feeling, etc. 

Friends are nice.

While I'm not giddy about life, it's not so bad right now. I haven't cleaned up my room yet, and I also haven't settled on a decision yet if I should move in with a friend or not. I hope I make up my mind soon. 

Nawalan ako panlasa kanina, pero may nalasahan din ako after a little while. I know I should already report this to my supervisor pero parang nakakatakot maging unpaid for 14 days :)) Ang sama rin ng pakiramdam ko. Feeling ko naman hindi ito COVID, parang gawa 'to ng sipon ko kasi na-expose ako sa init nung sinamahan ko yung ka-work ko na maghanap ng malilipatan, tapos nag-aircon kami sa kanila afterwards.

Ang lala ng sipon ko, nakakainis. Hindi pa ako nilalagnat, masama lang pakiramdam ko gawa nga nung sipon. 

 Iyak ako sa All My Stars Aligned ni St. Vincent ih.

Hirap namang magfunction. I also can't decide if I want to move in with a workmate. 

Help? Hahaha. Di pa rin ako nagliligpit ng damit ko. Tsaka pinoproblema ko loft bed ko. Paano ko yun papabaklas. Nakaka-stress yung process ng paglipat, pero mas malapit yung tinignan naming places kasi malapit sa office tsaka mas maganda color ng walls. And it's more spacious!

Pero may kasama ako omg haha :))) tapos dun din yung jowa niya for a month habang nag-o-ojt. Okay lang naman siguro yun. Idk.

I'm looking forward to my appointment sa Monday. Idk what I want to do with my life. 

 Eto talaga yung pag masama pakiramdam ko, i want to be taken care of. Pakiramdam ko tatrangkasuhin ako. What if ito na yung COVID? Sana malakas resistensya ko. Feeling ko malakas naman. 

Natatakot ako kasi eto na naman yung feeling ko na magiging okay ako for a bit then I'd feel like shit. Like right now, I'm at work and I feel like crying. Or this could be the almost-trangkaso talking. Idk. I just feel like shit. Mentally and physically. 

I keep remembering it was my dad's birthday last Friday. Haha. Ewan. 

 Kaya ako single. Kasi ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko.

Naisip ko, "weh, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better" pero na-realize kong hindi ganyan at totoo talaga yung una kong sinabi. Pag marami kasing tao sa buhay ko, nare-redirect yung energy ko na para sa sarili ko sana.

Gusto ko lang naman ng constant karat and cuddle shuta. Kaya pala uso ang fuck buddy. Hahahaha. 

Pero sige. I'm out of the rut I was in the past few days. I'll just play it by ear.

I have a plan. Should I set a timetable for my daily routine?

I'm just 23.

I'm just 23.

Gusto ko nang grumaduate para matapos na 'tong hassle na ito sa buhay ko. 

 I realize that the reason why I can't write is because I'm so insecure kasi yung mga kasabayan ko ang successful. Ang failure ko.

God i feel like shit

I wish I could be good. And that I could write. But I'm so scared of trying again. I haven't written in years. This blog shit is the most I've done. I wish I were naturally thin like these people in this movie I'm watching. 

 I'm never chasing a guy again. If they liked me, I would've known and I shouldn't have to feel confused. And they'd make sure I know they do. Yes.

And meatloaf is gross. 

 Why can't I have a love like in Us and Them huh???? Goddammit.

I'm scared that the big sad is starting to rear its ugly head.

They say I just have to be content with moments, because they're the most I'll ever get in life, because that's what life is made up of anyway, but I don't want moments. I want to die with someone. Man ang lala ng yearning ko right now. God i hate being alone. But I sort of regret asking my friend out if I could come over again. Might come off as clingy.

Sigh. 

I've beem watching stupid movies since 3AM. Gusto kong magkaraoke. I need a life.

Maybe it's time for me to alone. Lol. I just dont have another choice. Like, sure, babe. If that's what makes you sleep at night. God.

I feel so fucking sad. And ugly. I just want to be tucked in bed. And cuddle. Cuddle.

I reinstalled Tinder and uninstalled it again in less than an hour. It doesn't do me good anyway. I just want company. Hirap naman nitong quality time ang primary love language. Hays.

I want to literally just sleep with someone. Have a drink, maybe. Idk. I really haven't been in thr mood to drink tbh. I just want the company.

So I read something about transference a while back and it got me thinking about my feelings for people before. Anyway.

I'm not in love with my therapist tho ok? Hahaha. I'm not in love with anybody. And that's okay but I'm fucking bored.

I hope this therapy thing works out.

Man it would be nice if I could be loved and desired despite myself. 

 So hi, and TMI: I did a very human thing to do—I watched porn and did all that shit. Anyway, I'm a little envious of those women because they can just let loose and orgasm like that. I find it very difficult to let go. It's hard to have someone see me like that, seems like I'd be very exposed. Eh. I wish I were a guy. It's so easy for guys to orgasm. Also, I think I'll stop hooking up with guys now. 

I also need to lose weight. 

Anyway, idk what movie to watch. 

 Gusto kong maging anak si Alan Kim hello

 I know I want to cry, but I can't bring myself to do so. Is this emotional constipation.

It's so weird, reading this message, because I don't feel like I care for people enough. I don't think I know how to take care of people. I think I'm a selfish person. They've known me for a long time, but this person they speak of doesn't sound like me anymore.

My therapist yesterday said I should stop blaming myself for everything that's happened, that it isn't all on me. And I think that's when I started feeling off. It's difficult to unlearn and just shake off something that I thought was the truth my entire life.

It feels weird that he seems to be rooting for me, kasi parang nasanay akong ako lagi yung mali. That I always make the wrong choices. Na patapon ako kasi naglayas ako and shit, but did I really do the right thing for myself? It's so weird to have him rooting for me kasi, parang ano ibig sabihin nun, shitty talaga family ko? Man, at thr end of it all, no matter how it's obvious life was fucked up, I still defend my family in my head. Idk why. My worst enemy truly is myself. 

He also talked about neuroplasticity. 

I want to be good. I want to be good enough and to amount to something. I can't release this sadness I'm feeling, but I know it's there.

I have a friend who's getting married. I'm happy for her. Sana ako rin. Man, I just want to be loved.

Someone from work said indirectly said mukhang pambahay suot ko. I personally like my long and flowy skirt. I kind of want to put a bit of effort in my attire later, but I'm also too lazy. Why do I have to prove myself. I also don't think I can still look good. Sigh. 

I'm tired. And sad. 

PS. I look fucking hot here. Happy International Women's Day or belated? Whatever. 

hello dear audience,,

so after some yrs of friendship, naipakilala na ako ng isang private friend sa kanyang familé!!! buti ang chill nila and ang cute ng mga bata ahaha di ako naiirita sa bata (surprise, surprise) natuwa lang ako kasi ang hilig palang magmura ng ating kaibigan. it's nice seeing them look more human kasi alam ko namang ang private niya talaga as a person pero ayon i guess he trusts me more (plus makulit ako) to let me see that side of him. also, sinabihan niya ako na kung naging kami daw, nakikita niyang hindi magwowork. siguro nga ok na rin yun. sayang friendship eh in case hindi magwork. di ko naman sinasabing hindi siya magwowork kasi u know me (charot, u dont. sino ka ba? also dont answer), risk-taker-ish naman ako dun, pero i dont want to cross that bridge anymore if it means losing a very, very good friend. or siguro im not dat confident pa about myself din, bakit ko io-offer yung sarili ko nang ganito. i think said friend deserves better. malaki yung mundo, we're just starting to branch out. it is nice to have a friend. man i love my friends. also naging cheese siya nung nakaraan pero di ko na share screencap ng sinabi niya ahaha awit kilig naman aq platonically ahaha 

anyway,, i heard na yung isang naka-hookup ko last yr ay may possibility na naka-contract ng COVID yikes,, hope he's ok,, i heard pa namang he lost a relative who was a frontliner to covid din last year

in other news, ang saya kasi nag-tasting kami ng kape ng ate ni aforementioned private friend pero bilib din ako sa tolerance ko sa kape kasi inantok pa rin ako after nun at ngayon inaantok na rin ako kahit na nagkape na ako hindi kaya wala na epekto kape sa akin?? good lord,,, 

first time ata na natulog ako sa bahay ng lalaki na wala nangyari AHAHAHAHAHA narealize ko lang. the power of friendship (sparkles emoji)

time check 11:44 PM na po ng linggo today at nag uululan na naman kami dito sa office ng boss ko also late ako 6 minutes ahaha ayoko na layo ko pa sa goal

feel ko wala nang epekto sa akin ang kape,,, huhu partida kapeng barako na yon bakit ganooooooooooooooooooooon huhu ayoko na mag red bull stoko pa mabuhay charot

may apponitment ako with therapist later babay one kya <3 ok back to work folks! stoko malasing i think idk im ok, and im surprised that i am. 

bili na ba ako bahay ahaha

hi time check 2:03 AM may victim mentality ako yucks

 I'm feeling a little sad but I'll forget about it. I took what bike guy said as rejection and it stung a lot. Felt like I wasn't womanly enough. What will happen to me. I just want to be loved. Why can't I have that cute story where I grow up with a guy and we just fall in love but we keep it from each other until we're like 25 or something hayst

I love walking at nights like this, where I could stare at the moon and not be deemed as weird, where I could sing in the middle of the street right by my workplace and then the wind blows with just the right force, a little bit strongly but just as if greeting a friend and hugging them fiercely. The moon looks on, and I'm privileged to have her share this secret with me. 

 

If i didnt know my ex, I'd think this was from him. I might send an update about how my session with the therapist goes. Hope it turns out okay.

I'm honestly a little nervous and I wish I requested for someone female. 

 Y'all relentlessly teased me about my middle name way back ang galing naman how u just casually drop it on a Facebook post as if it was just nothing and now u cant take a hint.

I'm going even more broke this month ugh

Since I can't live for myself, maybe I can try being better for the people and friends who still believe in me despite everything. 

Pero stoko lang naman talaga ng kakantutan tapos tatanungin ko kung Rebisco ba siya kasi ang sarap ng filling niya 😩😩

 I could use a friend right now, but I'm trying to keep this shit to myself. Friends aren't therapists. Of course, they'll say they'll always be there and of course, they'll try, but they have their own lives. I have to learn to stop sharing things. I need to learn to be private. Stop oversharing. No one gives a fuck. Besides, this is just very petty, just a blow to my ego. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone and that it's so hard for people to love me, or even like me, because I'm a fucking shitty person. I don't have anything going for me, I'm bland. I'm shallow. I want to die, honestly. I really don't see any point in still existing.

I was doing better, but god.

Why am I not pretty, for fuck's sake. Or just something about me that's likeable and not annoying. I feel like shit and I'm not even drunk. I'm not even the mood to drink. The internet connection is shitty, too.

I don't feel like crying, and even if I do, I'll try my best not to.

I feel like deleting myself from the world right now even kahit digital lang. Twitter doesn't feel like a safe space anymore. Parang itong blog eme na lang.

I mean sure, do I actually have the energy for a romantic entanglement right now? Not really, but I'm willing if I like the person enough, but that's not guaranteed. Pero ang sakit ma-reject ha. Grabe. I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW I'M N PRETTY BUT AM I THAT Appalling? Repulsive???? I USE LOTION AND BATH SALT NAMAN, NAGSISIPILYO AKO, GRABE NAMAN??

Bakit ba laging resort ang dying when shit doesn't work out. Where do I go. How do I come a better person.

Am I not womanly enough? I really just want to be good enough. I'm trying. 

 man i feel like shit i wanna close myself off from the world

 hi

so for the nth time, ive been friendzoned which wouldve been fine by me if only it wasnt for more than the 5th time and i know the friendzone is something that is 80% non-existent pero good lord, bakit ako bestfriend ng bayan? lmao eto na nga yung sinasabi kong hindi talaga ako tao eh pero god i just hate that it appeared i was starting to open up only to be crushed like that, natapakan lang pride ko ng very light nakakainis. okay fine. i did think there was a bit of potential in this one, all it needed was patience. 

anyway im at work right now (obvi) and i can't breathe well i dont think my dress or bra is too tight. it could be caffeine kasi i had coffee before leaving the house for work and i also downed another mug when i arrived at work but idk this isnt how it usually goes and hays

u lose some people talaga eh ano hays

more time for myself i guess and besides i have my good friends i know i do

wala lang

idk i just wanna be good

also i have a plant na (yay) mukha silang matamlay ahahaha pero i hope mabuhay sila and magmukhang malusog in a few days

 Hi pls make shit work 

 Ok I'm really sad

While I'm perfectly aware that my self worth is based on me, times like these make me feel like I'm worth nothing but a hookup. I just wanna be loved haha fuck Ill be better I'm tired. I still wouldn't mind getting run over by a ten wheeler I'm too lazy to cook I feel like shit. Is it the alcohol? Probably

I have my friends my friends are awesome but I'm still so sad I wanna be gone I can't do anything. I'm dumb and stupid and not good enough for anything so fucking sad and while I'm aware whatever mistakes I've made are in the past and that I should forgive myself it's so hard I hate hate hate hate

It's so weird why I feel like this. I called out my ex bc he can't be alone, and now I'm feeling like this I hate it,, come be with me,,

I wish I could hurt or kill myself 

:))) hehe hays I wanna be good :)) 

 

Naninibago ako kasi I'm trying to talk to bike guy daily kaso wala naman akong masabi kundi the most mundane things like how my day is. I don't know how to flirt for shit. I don't know if I'm doing things right. 

Naalala ko lang din yung ginawa ko last December and I know I'm the one in the wrong so I shouldn't be feeling like I'm the one victimized because I clearly wasn't. I feel like I was such a slut. They've both blocked me, and that's sad, because we're supposed to be good friends. I had the choice to avoid it from happening, but I willingly put myself in that situation. 

I think if in case this shit with bike guy progresses into something good, I might fuck it up lang. I'm scared din na he'll look down on me when he finds out about the shitty things I've done. Sabi ng iba kong friends, yung mej ka close ko sa work, I don't need to tell guys everything. I don't want to open up sa kanya about the shit I've done before kasi we're taking it slow, and sure, I'd like to give that a try since showing everything abt me has never worked, based on my dating history.

Man I'm scared. While I hope this shit works out, I'm scared of it at the same time.

And I'm aware ang advance kong mag-isip, but idk. It's so scary. I keep wondering why the guy is still around. Yeah.

I want shit to work. I should stop the self-sabotage, ano?

I want to be good, too, you know? I want to stop thinking I'm a shitty person and start accepting instead that shitty things happen. And that when I do shitty stuff, I have the choice to let go of what's happened and just learn from it.

I want that. 

I want to know what I want to do and what career I want to have, and where I want to retire, and what my dream house would look like, and be good and stable enough to have kids, and give enough love.

I just want to amount to something and be good enough for something, be good. Find my place in this world. YUCKS.

Hi

Lord tabang I'm scared I'm scared I hope shit works for me

 Do we really just decide to be okay? How many more times am I supposed to feel shitty? Wala akong patutunguhan after I graduate. I hate myself so much. I hate my face, and that I'm not conventionally pretty. Scratch that, I'm fucking ugly. I hate my voice, and how much I've deluded myself that I could sing. I hate my body, I'm not small or fat enough. I hate that I'm dumb.

Am I really okay the way I am? Like, I know there's always room for improvement, but am I really insecure about nothing? I feel like utter shit, and I have friends, but I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling because I don't think they really like my person. So I'm telling you.

Sabi ni Marj sa akin, I shouldn't let this shitty feeling win over me, pero why can't stories just end at happily ever after? I don't want anything to come after that. I'm fucking tired of fighting and trying to exist and reminding myself that I shouldn't kill myself over and over. 

There's something I want to say, but I don't want to burden you with it.

I'm not good for anything or anyone. I don't deserve anything. I sound like a broken record, but it really do be like that. 

Bakit nga ba ako umiiyak pag dinuduro-duro ako at tinatawag na demonyo ng magulang ko kung totoo naman yun?

(Here's me crying in our office restroom. Yipee!)

I'm waiting for the jeepney to arrive on my stop, and you know what, thoughts have been thunk—I do want to take care of my father. I worry about how he's doing. I worry because he's alone, and his life choices are all questionable (oo, kasali dito yung hindi nila pagputok sa akin sa kama). I worry about what he eats. A co-worker told me that I spend enough for a family when I go grocery shopping, and he could've been that family I buy things for.

Shet, pamilya lang pala talaga gusto ko, I realize. Why did it take me so long to say this straight to the point, god.

But I also worry for myself because life has been shitty with him. He hurts me, we have shouting matches, he is unreasonable most of the time if not all the time, he doesn't want to try being better. He uses sympathy like a crutch. I am basically his younger version. Hahaha

I realized that my mom and dad are polar opposites. And I am the result of that union. Lol. Ah. I'll just cram my assignments. 

 

I had such a restful sleep today! I love sleeping at night! Time to go do my thesis but idk where to start. Hahaha

I'll try to be okay. 

I just want to be in the creative industry. That's for sure. But I don't know what I want to do exactly or aim for. 
 

 so a friend sent me this:

wow what a tedious process...

naisip ko na naman yung ngisi nung kahero sa 7-eleven nung bumili ako ng condom tsaka robust like ser,,,, (nagpabili kawork ko)

para akong tatrangkasuhin am i gonna die :c gusto ko nang umuwi so i can have a crying sesh feelimg sick makes me feel so weird and vulnerable i hate it. una ko naisip nung naisip kong pwedeng covid to was oh ok lang naman if madeadz na me. tapos nag e-echo lang sa ulo ko na lost cause ako kaninang break ko. meant to be??? char ahaha stoko na umuwi talaga. 

im deleting my dating app profiles na. suko na ako. 

sabi ng direct supervisor ko, mag-ingat daw ako if magpa-participate daw ako sa mga rally. maybe the world isnt as hopeless after all charot

 am sad. di na ulit gumagana red bull as pampagising/pampagana sa akin. naka-2 bote ako kahapon. nag-grocery ako kahapon. hirap ng walang jowa, walang magbubuhat ng pinamili ko. sabi ni jea, pang-isang pamilya raw ako mag-grocery, pamilya na lang kulang. (sinamahan ako ng kawork ko mag-grocery kanina ehehe yay company!) gusto ko lang ng pagmamahal. us2 q lang ng kaunting aruga. gusto ko lang na may mauuwian. ahaha. sad girl hours na ito yes. sorry sa nag-iisa kong reader. super sad ako ngayon. wala akong ganang magtrabaho eheh

gusto ko lang na may kayakap matulog ahaha gusto kong matuloggg na may katabing tao na buhay. gusto kong mahalin ako ni freddie highmore. gusto ko ng jowaaaaaaaaaaaaa. yoko na ng karat karat lang </3 us2 q ng pagmamahal at arugaaa. ugh the yearning is so strong. us2 qng matulog fuckitty fuck. lamig lamig sa opis eh sarap tuloy matulog lang gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

pag ibig aruga pagmamahal yakapppppppppppppppppppp tulogggggggggggggg peraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

gusto ko lang na may inaamoy-amoy akong leeg :c yieee gusto mo rin ba yon? gusto mo rin yon di ba? :c joke hays di ko nga alam kung naiintindihan mo to eh bahala ka diyan hays. actually i have someone in mind pero secret na lang kung sino baka ikaw pala yang nagbabasa eh malay ko ba. hays ako ayyyyyy ughhhhhhhh. gusto ko mang-amoy ng leeg ayon lang . feel ko naman mabango siya ahahah. 

gusto kong amuyin leeg moooooooo tapos matulog lang. tulog together greater than symbol sex alammobayon ha

pero di na ako sobrang averse sa sex i actually want sex like any other person pero di ganong intimacy mas prefer ko god i just want jowa god god god god god god

gusto ko yung tuturuan akong magbike tapos mag-go-grocery kami together maglilinis ng bahay together maglalaba together mag exercise together pero separate ligo. bathtime is sacred. pero gusto ko magpakuskos ng likod ko nung bath salt na binili ko kasi di ko abot HAHAHA :c 

HOY READER, tell me you love me ~cue James Ingram's "I Don't Have the Heart to Love You"

NOT THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO ang sad ang sad bakit hindi ako crush ng mga crush/naging crush ko bakit ba ako pangit ahahah :c char ang self pity naman niyan. sad lang. sinabihan ako ng isa kong friend na papangit ng mga ex ko ahaha grabe. wala eh. minahal ko naman yung mga yon. sana magka jowa na ako ng crush ko. pogi mga crush ko eh ahaha

may crush ako na perfect na sana ahaha kaso di niya nga ako crush sad lang gusto ko amuyin leeg niya tas matulog lang kasama siya. AS IN. TULOG LANG. pero if gusto niya something else pwede naman hehehehhheehehehheheehehhe. pero parang mas soft at intimate matulog lang. 

di ko na alam bakit ito nasa isip ko god athena ayusin mo buhay mo

im exhausted CRUSH KO MAHALIN MO NA AKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ganda ni lady gaga

yung isa ko namang smol crush hindi pa binabayaran utang niya hmp

ang dami kong crush pero maganda na yun para di ako masyadong masaktan ahaha pero may legit at real crush talaga ako tas god hahaha alam mo yung parang may nag-tug sa heartstrings ko nung may ginawa siyang small thing last time we interacted :c like. ang warm lang sa heart. tapos masaya na ako pag nagpaparamdam siya :c :c ang babaw ko ang high school ko huhuhu

sana ako na lang siya para di ko na lang din siya ma-crush man ill get over this why is the yearning so strong right now. may date dapat ako after shift and the guy is cute pero meh. ultimate crush pa rin

ganda ng boobs ko ngayon... maaaring senyales to na malapit na ang buwanang dalaw ko haha huhu

GUSTO KONG MATULOG KASAMA CRUSH KO FUCK INAANTOK AKO BAKIT LALO AKONG INANTOK PAGKAINOM KO NG RED BULL

so it's around 8AM now and im re-reading this and yucks kadiri ko, like hey ofc i still want to be with someone pero yucks kadiri naman nitong pinagsasabi ko 

 I keep thinking kung ito na ba talaga ang kinahinatnan ng buhay ko, na am I supposed to surrender to the monotony of life? And maybe me drinking to feel is my way of breaking out of it. It's easier to be sad because it is what I've known for most of my life.

Ang hirap maging masaya.

Do I just give in na lang at maging robot?

Maybe it is true what they say, that it is cowardice to revel in the sadness and pain, and that it is much braver to choose to be happy.

Anyway there's this person who's always going to be special to me, and I wish for you the best things in life. :) you may not love me as much as I love you, but that's ok. 

 

hehe kung may dahilan para magresign ako sa trabaho, ikaw talaga yun :)))))))))))))))))))))) nahehelo na naman ako kasi nababadtrip ako :))))))))))))) pero hapitots hapitots

tbh ikaw naman talaga dahilan kaya ako nawalan ng gana sa trabaho eh, the rest ofc is my fault pero hays ugh gah hays and fine, mas malaking factor pa rin freewill pero nauumay na ako na people look up to u kasi nga productive ka kuno and shit pero thats bc apakadaya mo and bespren kayo ng manager natin so :)))))))))))) man i hate work. 

hanggat maaari malinis ako magtrabaho, kung may mali honest mistake yun pero ang dali lang sa inyong mangdaya at mang argabyado at the expense of other people ngayon mambibitch ka. kasi mababa standing natin? tignan mo nga sarili mo bakit ang taas ng numbers mo :(( eh irarationalize ko rin to fleeting feeling lang to

 I'm not ok. It's very bad. I'm shutting down. Like really really badly. Idk, help? Idk. Bad bad kind of sad. 

 I have stuff to say, I miss Ryan (walang malisya). I miss going to the office, truth be told, tapos mangungulit ako kung anong ulam niya tapos siya naman ang giving naman din sa ulam at magagalit pa pag sinabi kong nagjojoke lang ako pag nanghihingi ng ulam (kahit joke lang naman talaga unless yung spicy eme yung baon niya or yung kare-kare). 

Man, I love my friends. 

I felt like shit last night, to tell you the truth. Pero I truly want to be better, kasi paulit-ulit lang naman 'to, eh. 

 i have shit to say but not the energy to say them

For someone who supposedly knows how to read the room, I sure have been horrible at it with these people. 

 

Am I okay? I'm not sure. Nakakapanibago lang na it doesn't feel as heavy right now like it used to. It doesn't feel right, honestly. 

To that one consistent view on all my blogs, thank you. I hope 2021 gets better for you, if 2020 wasn't. Thanks for sticking around. I hope we become friends. Or not. I don't know. 

If you've ever read my blogs from top to bottom, then yeah. I owe you big. It's nice to know that whatever shit I have to say, there's always going to be that constant stranger reading, somewhere in this world. Thank you for wasting your time on this waste of space on the internet. It may not have meant anything for you, but it means a lot to me. I'm not sure if I know you, but I say this with my whole heart: I love you. :)

I have more thoughts, but I'll continue them later. I need to get back to work. Lol. 

[11:27 PM, 12/31/2020]

I thought I was okay. I even put on makeup. Why am I crying. Again. 

[11:55 PM, 12/31/2020]

actually di pala ako ok pero pagod na ako sabihing hindi ako ok?

Man I want to fuck. Guess I'm not as averse to sex like I thought I was. 

FUCK. GUSTO KO NG KARAT

 I am not pregante, but I keep dozing off instead of finishing all the tasks I planned to do. And I feel so weak. And cramps.

And I don't wanna take meds for this. I just want to hole up in my room.

I miss birthday boy slightly.

I don't know what I need. A hug, maybe. Ya girl's getting touchy a little more than usual these days. Also, that ube cake from red ribbon is shit. 

Baka physical touch yata talaga love language ko, aside sa quality time lolol

 ok about my last blog entry, syempre may utak naman ako kahit maliit aware naman akong di ko pwede sisihin yung cosmos in case it happens (which i doubt din) kasi it was my choice anyway 

i feel like shit <3 <3 *throws glitters or whatever* 

i can feel some people cutting me off and idk idk kakabother din. papalapit na christmas. so im gonna meet up with someone this coming weekend? i have a strong feeling tho na iiyak lang ako imbes na ma-horny at makipagsex haha :))))))) alam kong gusto kong umiyak at hindi ako okay pero bakit ayaw lumabas ahahahhaa <3 <3 <3 

i think gusto ko uminom right after this shift. sinabi ko nang di muna ako iinom para iwas kalat pero di ko na kinakaya tong wala akong maramdaman ahahaha parang mali na hahahahaha or... di lang ba ako sanay na di ako souper sad, and this is me trying to get myself to feel something again (sadness particularly), bc it's what i know?

kadiri ko :)))))))))))))))))))))

nararamdaman ko nang babalik ako sa time na parang pakiramdam ko lumulutang ako tas walang nagmemake sense sa mga nangyayari at paligid ko hinihintay ko na lang :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

pero kadiri nga ako i hate myself yucks the dumb things i do i'd take it all back if i could :))))))))))))

it's easy to say i wouldnt (take everything back) kasi haha it's nice knowing uve something to give pa rin pero girl at this point the clownery is pathetic na :)))))))))))))))))))))

hmm nareregulate ko na ba nararamdaman ko? idk 

i want to burrow 

parang wala akong brain cells lalo lately i dont think i actually want to go out and meet people right now. but ive already set some dates on saturday and sunday :))))))) i suppose i should be ok with having friday and monday all to myself... lamia sa long weekend unta oi

and why are there three views on my last blog entry, thats a little creepy. ex, if that is you, happy holidays. nice of u to check up on me. same old pa rin naman ganap ko sa buhay. im trying to live better, and idk if this place where im at now is better than where i once was. i... dont care anymore about you. i wouldnt wish you harm but i dont care anymore if ure doing better. i could say i wish u well, but... i dont feel anything towards you. lol idk if thats making sense. u meant a lot to me at one point, after all. 

it's nice din naman na mag-isa. this guy im gonna have a thing with, i like that we dont talk a lot. siguro balik ako sa dati na wala na ulit pake. ang bilis ko namang makausad hahaha kala mo di ko pinagpalitan sarili ko sa lalaki ano? then again, whats new. kadiri pa rin ako. 

skl i did something stupid i didnt know u were supposed to apply the bleaching cream on your skin habang dry siya lmaooooooo stupid, stupid girl. anyway...

im never gonna get an answer but in case u, my dear reader, will respond, ano magandang earphones na mura? bumibili na ako weekly eh haha (ah ayan, ex. that hasnt changed--serial killer pa rin ako ng earphones lol) i still keep that purse-something u gave me to keep my earphones in but it's just on my table haha i dont use it. 

wow u know typing all these is making me realize i have fucking moved on from my ex. wow. thats a good thing. a win! yay. kalat ng utak ko. im just unloading everything. 

tama ba ginagawa ko? dami kong pwedeng problemahin ngayon sa totoo lang pero im looking away from all of them ahahaha idk if thats me avoiding them or me thinking that maybe those things arent really worth stressing myself out. u tell me. (but of course you wont because u, anonymous reader, wont ever talk to me... unless????????? jk dont im not sure if i'd actually like that. confiding to strangers feels better. ill talk more about this)

i dont feel as shitty as i did a few mins ago pero ang unproductive ko sa work. as u can see, im typing here instead of doing my job :))))) 

Okay, proper capitalization coming right up... 

So you know how I said there are some people whom I feel have already cut me off/are cutting me off rn. Maybe I should've trusted my gut a little more. Or was it really my gut feeling o masyado lang akong takot mag-open up? 

Then again, as much as they DO seem nice, it just didn't feel like a safe space to share stuff to. Idk. I'm sure I've come across as the TMI-type of person ESPECIALLY in the beginning, when we were all just starting to get to know each other, but I only did that to try to keep the conversation going. I mean, it's not like I can geek out about, what, Star Wars? (I'm not a fan idk shit) I can only share about my personal experiences because those are the only things that I'm sure of (though honestly some of my memories are really fuzzy, but that's another story)

[You know what, screw whatever I said earlier--I do feel shitty, restless, uneasy, etc whatever. It's only caffeine that's keeping me up right now, methinks.]

I'm not sure anymore if I should place the period before or after the parenthesis, so please don't go all grammar police on me here. Thank you. 

I don't feel welcome. And it did feel a little bothersome (eventually) to have been friends with them because we feel this dislike towards some harmless people. It made me feel a little guilty, lalo na since one person we used to talk shit about turned out to be a sweetheart. :( I have read somewhere that friendships that start with distaste towards some people isn't really great. 

Wow, girl. Why are you taking that seriously? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe this is just me trying to justify or rationalizing why I'm losing those people. 

I wish I were a better friend. I hate that I said some things that were off when the subject about that person's future plans came up. I hate that I cried, kasi looking back, it felt like I was making it about me. That was fucking awful. I shouldn't have done. 

Gianna is right, I should hold my liquor. But it's the only way for me to release. Yikes. Ya girl can't deal with her emotions properly. 

What I'm trying to say is those people made me happy too. I wish I didn't have to lose them. I hope this doesn't come across as clingy, but you just know if you're not talking anymore to a person because you're not in good terms. 

And of course, I can't force myself on people who don't like me. 

I could just say that I shouldn't care, right? But I keep losing people, which means that I am the common denominator (yucks does this sound like I'm self-pitying. I'm just trying to type all my thoughts out, okay? It's a process.)

So the common denominator is me. What's wrong with me? Ayon, I'm so OA. Like one other person said, I have so much energy to burn, I seem super enthusiastic (I call myself this as I type here, looking dead lol) I should control my emotions. 

And maybe I shouldn't socialize with new people as much na. Maybe I should just stick with all the people in my life. Sad lang na wala akong go-to people. 

It would really be nice to belong somewhere. (Collectives are rolling their eyes and saying, "Sa masa, bhie", I can just imagine. That is, if I were to tell them this.)

I'm also moody, but I really did my best not to lash out on them everytime I feel like shit. Ah, I'm also insensitive. And sensitive in the wrong ways. 

Now, I ask myself, how do I change those? To which I also answer, conscious effort. (Yiee, ex thank you for teaching me this. Maybe I do wish you well now. Lol.)

I think I need a friend more than a dick appointment this Saturday. 

I wish I could unfriend those people, kasi I don't want them to see me anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself. 

In time, I'll be able to do that. I know I've always had a penchant for cutting people off. (Naunahan nila ako tho, not that I'm competing.)

IN OTHER NEWS, I'm back na dun sa game-ish I've been playing since June! Yay. Parang tama lang kasi dami ko nang nagastos dun, jusko. (This is why I don't play games, because I'm horrible at it but at the same time, competitive. So, I tend to grab at whatever option available to try and get ahead. Which means, yes, spending money.) I could've gotten myself a new laptop but ya girl's bad with money. I need to REALLY change that. (Small win, I don't order food online so much na! And the last time I spend money for that game was beginning of last month! Double yay!)  I still can't play Genshin Impact, nawalan na ako ng gana. Lol. Hirap na rin mag-catch up sa mga friends ko. I don't feel like trying. 

TOPIC NUMBER 3, naisip ko lang na may nagbago sa akin pagdating sa music stuff. I don't care anymore about people's opinion on my music taste. Kampante na ako sa music taste ko. Yay. Di na ako try-hard hipster. And di na rin ako puro RnB (THANK FUCKING GOD). And I don't feel like recommending music anymore to people. Like, I'll just mind my own business and listen to what I like. Pero di ko na feel ipagtulakan yung mga kantang kinababaliwan ko at the moment. Is that a sad thing? Idk if that's because chill na talaga ako o kasi nasanay na lang akong wala naman talagang pakialam yung mga binibigyan ko nun. 

I'm still not sure if the periods should be in the parenthesis or outside. I'm too lazy to switch tabs to look it up. 

TOPIC NUMBER 4, my former bestfriend (who is still a really good friend we just decided to set boundary na with the way we deal with each other + we've also grown apart) so my former bestfriend sent me an email, and wow, I don't have the energy to reply. It was just a forking greeting. The email has been left on read for days now. I don't know what to say. 

There's also this guy I matched with on OKC that I became friends with on Facebook kasi we have a mutual friend, and he sends long messages kasi we're like online penpals. We don't have casual conversations, we just dump all our replies or the things we want to say in one go. And his message was long. But all that I wanted to reply to was that bit about Ai-ai delas Alas taking a shit at their house. I've also left him on seen for days. I'm too lazy to type shit. 

I also don't feel like going on dating apps anymore. I uninstalled both OKC and Bumble, leaving me with Tinder, which is for ~fast and easy transactions IYKWIM~ but eh. I'm not too keen on hooking up with anyone anymore. I don't even know what I'm going to do about Saturday. I cannot just ghost him, because we're friends. 

I also found another  potential FWB whom I'm gonna ghost because I don't feel like doing it anymore (like I said), and it's scary. Haha. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I won't get attached, because what if the guy's likeable? I shouldn't put myself in situations like that. Better safe than sorry, di ba. 

Is it possible to just lie down and get drunk with someone? (I'm not sure about myself tho, if I still wouldn't want to do it when I get drunk, because drunk me tends to become a little... different.)

Haba naman nito. Sana nakakapagtipa din ako ng ganito para sa thesis ko. 

What am I gonna do for Christmas....

Tutunganga. Just like my birthday. Iinom mag-isa siguro. 

I chose this life. I need to stand by my choices. 

I still want to die. I'm just not ~pursuing~ it actively. 

Kapagod. 

That's enough brain dump for now. Till next time. Hope you're okay, whoever you are. I'd say more, wish you well and all that yada-yada, but I feel drained now. Just imagine me hugging you as I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. That's the most comfort and reassurance I can give right now. 

Ah, one last thing. Am I ready for when we go back to working in the office this January? I'll have to prepare myself for that too. Sigh. 

Hope the days have been kind to you, anon. Take care. Kung pagod ka rin, hurray for solidarity. 

PS. Posting this here for safekeeping

Validation ba 'to? Idk. It made me feel good the first time I read it. It's not working now, but it might work a little later. 

PPS. Re-reading this and dami kong kulang-kulang na words. And grammatical errors na rin. Ayoko nang ayusin. Gusto ko ng strawberry bagoong. Sad. 

Gusto kong mag-impake at matulog sa buhanginan. Sa dalampasigan, hindi construction site, okay. 

Bigat ng katawan ko. 

Kung may bago man tayong readers dito, siguro ang weird nga na kinakausap ko sarili ko. But it's what's best for me. If I talk to people, nagiging selfish ako kasi I make it about me. So okay nang i-dump ko lahat dito para di na ako masyadong makipag-usap sa mga tao.

Kung mapapansin mo, di gaanong madami entries ko nung November kasi may (mga) kausap ako. Dapat pala minaintain ko 'to. Conscious effort.

Gusto kong magbreak for one week tapos tutunganga lang ako. Ayoko nang bumalik sa work. My lunch break is about to end. Gusto kong matulog na lang.

I need to mop the floor. I miss going to the cinema. Going out alone is so much better than my life now. As much as I know how to enjoy solitude, I do not like this.

I miss drinking alone sa labas ng Acacia Hotel.

Kapagod talaga.

FKJ's Ylang-ylang is playing, and you know what it's making me wish for right now? To sleep with someone and cuddle. Like seryosong tulog lang.

Drained ko grabe. 

PPPS. Ito na ata yung sinasabi nilang "that pleasant surprise when you rediscover an old song you like. It's this song. How timely. Nakahiga ako sa sahig, in the middle of my messy room. It's making me think of this person I've been disgustingly pining for. Yucks. I also wish I had a keyboard so I could learn this song and play and sing it. Gusto kong matuto mag-keyboard/s shit, but takot din akong pag bumili ako, baka di ko panindigan. 

PPPPS. Happy thought, ang comfortable talagang mag-panty at oversized t-shirt lang sa pambahay. Kung lalaki ka anon, bahala ka. 

Sarap ng Spanish-style sardines. Ang dugyot siguro na I'm eating it straight from the can, pero that's how much I have this space all to myself. Lol. Gusto ko nang punuin yung ref/fridge ko ng pagkain.

Napapadalas na rin pagtu-tweet ko. Dapat ko na ulit bawasan socmed activity ko. 

Another fleeting thought, all deez exfoliation shit pero wala namang hahaplos sa akin. Chos. 

Hay. Work na ulit. Kapagod. 

P to the nth power S. Cute talaga ng crush ko, saet sa heart onti. Ambaby gago. The guy kept going on about how he does not want me to feel shitty about it in the future, well you know, I'd rather we pushed through with it kasi it does not change that I feel like shit about it right now. Better to have tried and feel like shit than to not have tried at all AND STILL feel like shit. Or I don't know. 

Sino ba yang Cousin From Baguio na yan, pa-reto nga. Charet. 

God, I wanna delete myself. Fuck. 

I don't fucking understand why I'm so hung up on this guy I'm disgusted at myself already honestly. 

Okay. Time stamp,  3:09 AM. I'm fucking crying over this guy. Make it make sense. Why am I being like this. It's so disgusting. It's so fucking disgusting. 

~***~

Hi, it's me again. I just wonder bakit tumitigil yung mundo pag holidays? Why do a lot of people assume that everyone has someone to be with during the holidays? I have friends offering their place for Christmas, but the pandemic is making it hard. 

~***~

I'm highly aware that I get easily attached, and it's a fucking flaw. I fucking hate it. I've been trying my damned hardest to avoid this. 

papangunahan ko na yung cosmos, since it loves playing a joke on me. haha. ang tagal ng period ko ha? ang lala ng ganap kung mabuntis ako dahil dun sa nangyari. tangina naman. hahaha. feeling ko naman baog ako pero tangina lang pag nangyari yan, sobrang pananadya na yan. hahaha. :)))

 I think it could've been anyone else. I was just a glitch in the matrix, I was the one who was always around. I need to drill these in my head. But I'm fucking sure if they ask again, I'm going to say yes. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown...........................................................................................................

Some stupid decisions are worth it. 

Ang bobo, pero I want to hang out with him again. He felt, feels safe. 

I really, really am over my ex, but this makes me wish we never broke up so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. Then again, kilala ko sarili ko. I've always enjoyed treading unfamiliar waters. Ha ha ha. 

Naisip ko na baka kaya lang siya ~masaya and, *cough cough* magical~ was because of the alcohol, but we've hung out sober and it wasn't bad. I enjoyed his company. 

I've had tons of ugly thoughts. I hoped for a chance. IDK. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD KADIRI KO. FUUUUUUUUUCK

Why are feelings??????????????????????????? I archived our convo already so that I won't make the mistake of sending him a message by accident, but it'll still notify me when he chats. It's not like I don't check the chatbox. Just clown tingz. 

I've been trying to look at other people pero I really hate how when I like someone, ayun na yon. GOD DAMN IT. GOOD FUCKING GOD. 

I was, am willing to settle for whatever morsel of him that he can give, honestly. And I appreciate that he doesn't want me to feel like shit when it's all over. :( 

be my sadboi :( and then maybe we could try being happy with the small things the world can offer :( 

UGH ANG CORNY I FUCKING HATE IT. WELL HELLO SPECTATORS, YOU ARE NOW SEEING CORNYATHENISMS AT ITS CORE GOOD FUCKING GOD

I'm still holding back at this point. Imagine? Sometimes, it feels good to be reminded that I do have something to give. Just when I thought na said na said na ako, hindi pala. Meron pa pala. It's just sad that he won't take it. 

Nananahimik na ako sa sulok eh, tanggap ko na in case abutin ako ng ilang taon na mag-isa o kahit for the rest of my life na, tapos biglang ganito? Bakit ang rupok-rupok ko rold

I could've worded all of this better and tried to sound poetic, but you know what?? I won't. Let me breathe. 

Also, maybe okay na rin 'tong mag-isa muna nga ako. I still don't really like what I am. Nakakapagod nga sigurong i-share yung sarili mo sa ibang tao. And the frequent rejection and misunderstandings. 

For starters, he's out of my league, anyway. 

I'll leave my door slightly open for when someone tries to come in, and I will be nice and offer them tea. I'm certain there will be a tiny voice at the back of my head that will compare those strangers to that one stranger I'm pining for right now, but eh. Bahala na. 

I hope he thinks of me on some nights. And maybe consider me too. Idk. It'll be too much to ask for him to think of me at least once on the daily, but I hope he remembers me sometimes. And I hope he asks himself what if, and I hope that maybe all those times put together would be enough for him to reconsider. 

And I hope we'd never have to rely on liquid courage, because I know I don't have to. 

I hope it wasn't only physical, but if it was, then there's nothing I can really do about it. 

I hope it's just not me wondering what if. 

So, lol, me being the cheesy piece of shit that I am, went and listened to H.E.R.'s "Could've Been", and should I even assume that we could have been when there's a huge chance it was purely physical? He says he's drawn to me, but idk. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

Pero ugali ko kasing mag hold on till im completely crushed tho. 

ANG IRONIC LANG KASI NAALALA KO OCTOBER 3RD POST KO. AND NOW THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. 

TANGINA MO UNIVERSE TANGINA MO TANGINA MO

   

so why can't it be me, right? 

yucks. i did not stay chill the entire year just to end up in this same spot. i keep on wanting to bang my head against the wall every minute of the day. ive reflected on what ive done, and im fully aware it was disgusting. im just lucky they're nice about it, but that still does not take away how i ended up becoming like the people i disliked. yucks. 

im lucky to have my friends who tell it as it is. they keep me grounded. i just need to listen. self-control, babes. self-control. 

in other news, ive been feeling like shit lately, and i have a feeling im gonna crash again :))))))))))))) so i went and reached out to a friend who lives close by and we hung out for a bit. coffee also worked. maybe im gonna take a bath today. i havent done so for 3 days now. haha. i cannot function. :)))) <3 ive also been drinking at work lately which is of course, BAD, but i put an end to that drinking streak today. 

i cant have friends. i think it's best to keep to myself.