I think it could've been anyone else. I was just a glitch in the matrix, I was the one who was always around. I need to drill these in my head. But I'm fucking sure if they ask again, I'm going to say yes. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown...........................................................................................................

Some stupid decisions are worth it. 

Ang bobo, pero I want to hang out with him again. He felt, feels safe. 

I really, really am over my ex, but this makes me wish we never broke up so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. Then again, kilala ko sarili ko. I've always enjoyed treading unfamiliar waters. Ha ha ha. 

Naisip ko na baka kaya lang siya ~masaya and, *cough cough* magical~ was because of the alcohol, but we've hung out sober and it wasn't bad. I enjoyed his company. 

I've had tons of ugly thoughts. I hoped for a chance. IDK. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD KADIRI KO. FUUUUUUUUUCK

Why are feelings??????????????????????????? I archived our convo already so that I won't make the mistake of sending him a message by accident, but it'll still notify me when he chats. It's not like I don't check the chatbox. Just clown tingz. 

I've been trying to look at other people pero I really hate how when I like someone, ayun na yon. GOD DAMN IT. GOOD FUCKING GOD. 

I was, am willing to settle for whatever morsel of him that he can give, honestly. And I appreciate that he doesn't want me to feel like shit when it's all over. :( 

be my sadboi :( and then maybe we could try being happy with the small things the world can offer :( 

UGH ANG CORNY I FUCKING HATE IT. WELL HELLO SPECTATORS, YOU ARE NOW SEEING CORNYATHENISMS AT ITS CORE GOOD FUCKING GOD

I'm still holding back at this point. Imagine? Sometimes, it feels good to be reminded that I do have something to give. Just when I thought na said na said na ako, hindi pala. Meron pa pala. It's just sad that he won't take it. 

Nananahimik na ako sa sulok eh, tanggap ko na in case abutin ako ng ilang taon na mag-isa o kahit for the rest of my life na, tapos biglang ganito? Bakit ang rupok-rupok ko rold

I could've worded all of this better and tried to sound poetic, but you know what?? I won't. Let me breathe. 

Also, maybe okay na rin 'tong mag-isa muna nga ako. I still don't really like what I am. Nakakapagod nga sigurong i-share yung sarili mo sa ibang tao. And the frequent rejection and misunderstandings. 

For starters, he's out of my league, anyway. 

I'll leave my door slightly open for when someone tries to come in, and I will be nice and offer them tea. I'm certain there will be a tiny voice at the back of my head that will compare those strangers to that one stranger I'm pining for right now, but eh. Bahala na. 

I hope he thinks of me on some nights. And maybe consider me too. Idk. It'll be too much to ask for him to think of me at least once on the daily, but I hope he remembers me sometimes. And I hope he asks himself what if, and I hope that maybe all those times put together would be enough for him to reconsider. 

And I hope we'd never have to rely on liquid courage, because I know I don't have to. 

I hope it wasn't only physical, but if it was, then there's nothing I can really do about it. 

I hope it's just not me wondering what if. 

So, lol, me being the cheesy piece of shit that I am, went and listened to H.E.R.'s "Could've Been", and should I even assume that we could have been when there's a huge chance it was purely physical? He says he's drawn to me, but idk. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

Pero ugali ko kasing mag hold on till im completely crushed tho. 

ANG IRONIC LANG KASI NAALALA KO OCTOBER 3RD POST KO. AND NOW THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. 

TANGINA MO UNIVERSE TANGINA MO TANGINA MO