Work has been extra stressful, but my SO is amazing, and so you know what? I'll get by just fine. 

Kinilig ako nung sinabi niyang "naaadik" na raw siya sa akin, kasi ulol na ulol naman na ako sa kanya talaga, and because I know hindi kami magkaka-toxic-an. We'll be fine. Nag-aasaran kami about this person we both knew, and about how he asked me dati na makihugas ng paa, tapos I blatantly refused kasi I know it's a strat to get close to me and get physical kahit na the guy was an asshole. Pag pupunta si Matt sa CR, tinatanong ko siya kung maghuhugas ba siya ng paa kasi okay lang.

How we started:

siya yang nasa bottom right lol

again, sorry 

literally just in front of me! 

How it's going:

Ang sarap mong mahalin, Matt, correct. Hehe.

Today I bought myself more flowers! May nakita na akong wrench na tig 200. Excited na akong sumahod.

My cousin also attempted suicide recently. I'll skip going to LU and prioritize going home instead. 

I've been buying myself flowers.

(today)

(Feb 28)

And I feel pretty here:

My current faves:

1. Si Matt

2. Eto

3. Hehe

 Iba sana gusto kong i-share sa'yo ngayon pero mas nananaig 'tong nararamdaman ko atm eh.

I feel ugly, like baka I'll never really be my SO's type. Alam ko namang di nakasalalay sa kanya self-esteem ko. I'll elaborate another day. I'm just so sleepy.

Song

 This old friend I share a birthday with told me to listen to this, and ngayon ko pa lang siya ever papakinggan, the true snob that I am.

Hindi ko alam bakit ganito kasakit at kabigat yung nararamdaman ko pero wala naman akong ka-close ng sobra para pagluksaan nang ganito. Iniisip ko lahat ng malalapit sa akin, paano pag namatay sila. Hindi ko alam. Iniisip ko yung mga di ko ka-close, paano kaya sila pag nalulungkot, anong ginagawa nila pag sila yung nakakaramdam ng ganitong kirot sa dibdib nia.

Di ko alam bakit may ganitong kirot sa dibdib ko. 

 Alam mo, something clicked when I said out loud that knowing and understanding doesn't automatically equate to feeling better about things.

Totoo palang hindi all the time na it would be better if you understand the why's and how's of things.

Naisip ko lang.

Ang annoying din na sa office natitrigger lang sipon ko. Sana rin palitan na nila upuan ko ng ganun din. Nagtatanggalan na piyesa eh. Kahapon washer natanggal, ngayon turnilyo ulit.

Tagal ko na pala sa Teamspan. If I didn't resign nung January last year, magli-limang taon na rin ako sa May.

Ano kayang mangyayari sa buhay ko? Sana makapag-loan na ako sa SSS. 

1

2

3

4

Natatawa akong natatawa sya dito. I'm thinking of surprising jowa with tix to smth we planned to do nung first date pa lang na naudlot. Wait ko lang sahod. 

Tenderness is all I've got.

It's always the negative emotions that tend to stick too well, yeah? Started feeling crappy when I felt like I messed up ordering food for the SO, then I started to just feel weird.

I know the things I know, but it doesn't shake off what I feel.

Maybe this is MY issue—I don't like being an inconvenience to people, I'm not comfortable with taking from people, I'm not comfortable with having people go out of their way for my sake, because my entire life, I've been made to feel like a failure.

They weren't even passive aggressive about it. I was called an underachiever by the aunt I respected so much, all while I thought I was doing well.

I was called and renamed Brenda (for brain damage) because I just suck at everything.

It was easier to feign ignorance because no one would expect anything from someone stupid. 

The first few times I'd ask to clarify because I didn't hear or didn't fully understand (but wanted to), I was mocked "huh?" "Ano po?" wc would've been harmless kasi it happens at work to this day bc bingi nga rin, but it was established that I was plain incompetent along with the mockery. It wasn't harmless teasing. 

My grandpa would throw stones at the restroom when I'd sing while I took a bath.

My uncle would monitor me more than a security guard would ever watch the CCTV monitors just to see what I was doing on my laptop. So I'd resort to writing in the dark. And then rewrite during the day to organize my drafts from the night before.

What a life.

That explains why I overthink everything. And why when I get started, I can't afford to fail. Or, I won't even get started at all.

Ingay ni kuya. Kung si Shopee yan, kill me.

I just want to pass out and get my motivation back. 

I wanted to share this pa naman bc this is my boss's boss:

Pero mas nangingibabaw na negative feeling ko eh.

 

In other news, I stumbled upon this—

I suppose love is in a glass of water,

in the folds of chicken breading, 

on "Lot for Lease" tarpaulins,

in the warmth of a hand, 

in boring bus rides,

in daily thank-you messages,

in random food deliveries, 

somewhere between the lines "thank goodness you're/you've..." and so on, 

quietly seated across you and the friend you're deep in conversation with, 

today alone in a room that could've been a cab ride away, suffering from poor internet connection. 

I'll be better. 

I want to pay no mind to it, but I really feel dead :( and parang magkakasakit ata ako.

Sana nagkaroon ng significant salary increase si jowa para problem solved na siya (-ish). Hello Brent, baka naman 😩

Miss ko na si Ana. Sana makapagstart na kami ni Jhoanna na mag Biking 101 😩

I feel so poor. Gusto ko nang sunabod. Gusto kong malunod sa unan. I need to catch up on the chores I've been delaying since the weekend. Sana magka-laptop na rin ako 😩

Lord ka pa nga. I'm so hungry. Sarap ng lumpiang shanghai na sinawsaw sa mayo. Pati tocino + mayo

Dapat makapagpamasahe na ako. 

ang busog q

Disclaimer lang na sabi ni jowa, jowa pa rin kami despite my kababuyan.

Second/first day ng period ko nung Sabado:

"Get used to it" — parang vibe is papaluin niya ako ng sinturon at itatali sa kama gamit necktie.

Tapos babasahan ng bible verse.

Charot lang, baby. Keme kala mo mababasa.

 

Kaninang umaga:

Oo, kilig pepe ko, korek. 

Kanta mo, oo!

Konting share pa:

At onting kwento pa:

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin if sinampulan ako ng jowa ko ng toyo niya. 🥹

Natouch ako dun sa "wag ka na maparanoid"

Pati sa pagsaway niya sa kawalan ko ng presence of mind during bus commutes, haha. Cute eh. 

And this? Luh siya. Hiya aq onti. Hihi. 

Natatawa ako sa mga pinagtatawanan namin. Natawa ako paggising ko nung weekend sa sinabi niya tungkol softdrinks. At dun sa Lots for Less. At dun kay Romeo J. Or Juliet R. ba yon HAHAHAHHAHA

Hay nako. Miss ko na ulit jowa ko. ☹️

I wish I could always hang out with my person. It's always so fun

 I've been meaning to update you on everything that's happened over the last few days.

Here's love:

Got a significant raise on my salary. Initially felt bad about it, but my work friend turns out to be just as qualified so 💖

Kyle and my boss apparently are both in the clear. Alright then, you two. Have fun, lovebirds.

Caught up with Airene for a BIT. Hopefully she and Matt can meet too one of these days.

Ana the friend from work FINALLY STOOD UP FOR HERSELF and will start working from home next week :)

Swung by my boyfriend's place. I wanted to just have a bit of chicken skin kaso puro big parts kasi and then this adorable idiot gave me chicken skin from his portion 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 again, if that's not love, then idk what is.

Traffic light en route to Matt :)

My first time taking this route in all my years of going on motor taxis:

I messed with my internet connection last Monday. Jowa was so worried and concerned on how to go about it. Man I feel so cared for. Also offered one of his phone #s as secondary contact since i don't get reception where I live. I have more thoughts on this and why kinilig ako but I think that's for myself na lang.

Naalala ko first date namin habang papunta ako sa kanila today and kinilig ako HAHAHAHA looking forward to more dates 

Natatakot ako minsang baka maging Russell part 2 'to, pero

1. No to self-fulfilling prophecies (thanks for the reminder Gianna)

2. Ibang-iba si Matt dun. He never talked shit about his former flames. There were women who did him dirty, and he shared those. Of course, you'd be frustrated. Pero never siyang nagmalinis and nakakabuntis ang sense of accountability niya (I'll just call him out if approaching doormatness na) 

And so despite my brain being my worst enemy, despite having gotten used to overthinking, and this unhealthy defense mechanism to think the worst of everything as if it softens the blow when shit hits the fan, it's easier to believe. Kasi what my mind is trying to convince me to believe and what Matt is actually doing are two different things.

I know I still have a lot of figuring out to do, but I'm sure I love this person. I want to grow with him and become a better person overall and be deserving of him.

Here's a slightly recent pic of Bebu

Song 1

Song 2

My mom would've loved Bebu, I thought. Which led to another thought—

That my mom would love animals more than me. Granted, animals are pure and innocent. But if she was made to grant life and death one each between me and any animal, it's uncontested how my being there wouldn't make things any challenging should she have to choose.

My SO has led me to confront a lot of things I've put on the back burner. He has encouraged me to message my mother so I can get my answer.

No answer is the answer.

It has been a painful process so far, but I've gotten used to this heavy feeling where you'd wish you could claw your heart out of your chest to make it stop. Only this time, I've found resolutions.

I'll take this as part of the process of putting my mind and heart at ease about everything I've carried my whole life. I'll cry until all I have left is a slight twinge in my heart, its sting no more than an ant bite.

I'll be the humble student whoever this teacher is.

I was watching a K-drama that's been lighthearted so far, until I got to the episode about mothers. Guess that was the trigger. 

My train of thought started with questioning if my fuck-up was that grave and horrible, and while some better choices truly could've been made, there was a cause and effect for my decisions. And I'm trying my best with the life I've led. 

I was always deemed weird by the people around me at school. I had friends, people cared for me. And then there were some that both cared and laughed at me (or my father, maybe). 

And even with the friends I had then, I didn't really feel like I completely belong. I knew they were genuine when they were. But they can only do so much. The childlike care they'd give sadly couldn't substitute for what I should be but weren't getting from my parents.

Apparently, I was decent with English and grammar. Plus, I was young. And I loved reading.. Naturally, and eventually, I grew an interest in writing. Wattpad was becoming this huge thing among high schoolers like myself. The only difference was that it was virtual, but it was just the same as the Precious Hearts Romance or Harlequin pocketbooks that middle-aged market vendors would swap and pass around on a lazy day at the store.

And I was welcomed into a community. 

And so I was sucked into a black hole, because it helped fill the void. Then my grades deteriorated. Then I deteriorated as a person. 

I guess for my mother, my array of failures started a montage of everything she had to go through ever since she was born and all the things she couldn't have or be due to circumstances, because of family, because of things she couldn't control and, finally, because of me — what then has she lived her life for?

This made me an easy target and punching bag for all her frustrations.

I have an inkling that maybe she loved me in the beginning. It's not so much of a shot in the dark, the idea. She cared for me as if I were fine china, and that I would break if she ever failed in something as minuscule as remembering to lock one bedroom door when all the windows and entry doors already are.  

I guess my mom thought she'd be coming home to her idealized version of me, that I was the same fine china she slaved her days away trying to keep its shine. Unfortunately, I was just a trigger. Going home, turns out, equaled to being pushed forward and held hostage at the front seat of a theater playing a tormenting montage she didn't buy tickets for. 

Maybe one of these days, it'll be easier for my heart. I'll have to make do with knowing love only through a handful of moments that I've hidden to the back of my mind along with the sad ones.

I trust the memories will come back to me slowly. The pain doesn't hurt any less with not clearly remembering everything because my heart knows the truth deep down. So if this was the case, then I might as well mourn for the lonely moments and warmly hold on to the happy ones instead of being sad for some unconscious reason and failing to be happy because of my rusty memory. 

I can't do anything about what I was deprived of back then, but I can take care of myself the way I see fit. I'm old enough to build a life for myself and I've understood a little bit more that I can hold out my hand if I need to be pulled in for comfort. Or to reward my heart a gentle embrace. Treat myself kindly. Pamper myself as needed. To let other willing people pamper me for as much as they want and take in the overflowing love from the people who care. 

May my remaining tomorrows be just as kind as this morning has been to me. I'm hopeful I'll get to that day when all these will be no more than wistful, bittersweet wishes I'll whisper to the afternoon breeze in secret. My heart will then feel as light as if I've become a cloud just like I've always wanted, and I'll have accepted that the sweetness will be worth all the bitterness. 

I'll be one with the wind and join in its calm and delight. 

Keme. 

bakit may 5 views yung last (warning: medyo PG)

I wish we had more parks around here. If I still lived in Alabang, maybe I'd have hung out pa sa Westgate or right by Filinvest Tent.

I'm not scared of this being jinxed. Today was magical and really just amazing.

As always, I'm just as in love with the jowa. Had to keep from staring at his sleeping face the entire morning kasi it do be a little creepy na, pero I really just adore him.

I don't necessarily miss him—we've been together for more than 24 hrs—pero I'm still not tired of sniffing him and kissing his cheeks and sniffing him some more.

And the fucking sex.

I've never enjoyed it this much with anyone else. I know I once said a friend I hooked up with some years back was the best I've had, because it was good and there was aftercare, and I didn't feel like I had to tiptoe around his family the morning after, but our next encounter was horrible.

With SO, the bar never drops.

First time kong makaramdam na para akong nagva-vibrate, but it's not because of orgasms that's why I say the sex is amazing. 

I've never wanted to do it this much with anyone else too, and even with my previous SO partners, I never really cared about pleasing them. I always relied on the knowledge that I don't have to try so hard or at all even because they can just get it done and over with after a few humping.

I don't feel obligated to please him. I don't feel obligated to do it with him. I don't feel used afterwards. I'd love it even if he'd use me (ey, kinky) and would truly, truly do everything he wants with me. And I mean everything. I just want to please him. I want him to enjoy. The only thing that would stop me and has been stopping me is the frailty of the human body 🥹🥲🙃

(Nagpa-pic ako sa idle ko, pero busy talaga lagi pag artista kaya candid candid na lang)

(Pinilit pa talagang mag-pose kahit antok at pagod sa sobrang hectic ng sked, kaya di ako magsasawang suportahan itong idol ko eh!)

I mean, I've always known naman na, pero mas na-reinforce yung sinabi niyang we don't really have to go out to make memories. The mundane is fun with him. Playing useless games was fun, and brought out my competitiveness (-ish...). It was FUCKING fun making stupid puns out of Muntinlupa (and I'm proud of the one I made 😤) and mimicking memes and making our feet touch. And walking at night, making fun of how perfect it would've been for Valentine's weekend to window shop inside this adult toy store. Or make fun of how a hotel took over an old Sogo building, rebranded and all, BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON, retained the freaking familiar yellow and red exterior Sogo is infamous for.

How he never forgot to keep me on the safe side of the road. How he'd make faces and mock me for calling out this habit of his that I'm not sure if I can drop here for his privacy. And I like tracing every inch of his skin, even outside the context of sex. 

I really just adore this person.

And this is nothing new, but it's always fun to talk about anything with him. I'm never shy to admit when I really don't know shit about something. I don't feel like there's a mold I have to fill and conform to. Unlike the other people I've been with or could've been with, I never felt pressured like it's expected from people my age to understand certain things. I can just nonchalantly say idk, and I no longer feel less of a person like I used to.

And... I'm glad I had the chance to introduce him to a good friend I've known for years. The encounter made me just feel so alive. I love my work friends! But it's nice to have conversations outside of complaining about work. Bale complain about how the world works naman, lol! 

SO said he saw another side of me daw, and I really don't know if that was a good thing. Idk if he still thinks he'd mesh well with this other version of me he said he saw. This was very surprising to hear, really. I was surprised he said na hyper ko raw. Hahaha. Sabi ko na lang, I hope it counts for something na I let him witness that. Sabi niya oo naman daw.

Sabi ko na lang he can always say so in case overwhelming ako noon. I'm willing to make the type of adjustments naman where I won't lose myself. I just don't want to overwhelm him. I know I can be more than what people can usually handle.

If love is a lottery and a matter of picking your poison, then this is mine. Anything I may have ranted about in the past, may part to play din ako (and most probably even a larger part than I credit myself for - and I'm not gaslighting myself LMFAO) kaya nagkaroon ng ganung disconnect. I'd move hell and heaven if I could. Basically, I'm willing to put in the work needed. 

I feel like a person again.

And I don't mind that the day had to end. I respect that I have to go home and that my SO and I have to part ways. Gusto kong siya na hanggang dulo—as in, yes, that dulo (👰)—but I also respect na bago pa naman kung tutuusin relationship namin pero seryoso talaga ako rito. Invested ako, pero mindful ako at iingatan ko sarili ko enough not to drown then lose and harm myself which, in turn, also affects him. I want to be so good for him. May tiwala naman ako sa sarili ko.

Gianna (friend I met up with) also said this:

I love these compliments. 

I got this song from him. Hope you've had it good the last few days too, you. 

Thank you, God if You really do exist. Thank you. I'll take it from here, but you're free to push me if I should lose my way somewhere down the road. 

Naiiyak pa ring isiping I'm not as burdensome like I think I am. Kala ko hindi applicable sa akin yun dati. Pero ang lala pala.

I have 2 main goals. 

Natitiis niya na ako. He still hasn't replied. I know I'm being needy. I hate it. Someone in the right headspace would know he's at work, it's been very busy since December last year. He's already given me a heads-up just this morning that it'll be busy today too. He said he'll respond later.

But I'm feeling anxious and it won't take any of those. 

I hope he's just taking the time off he needs and we can get through this TOGETHER, and I place emphasis on the last word, yes. 

He's setting his boundaries, and that's good! I just hope it's not so much of a boundary that we'll have to end the relationship. 

I don't want to use this crap as a crutch. I just wish I were more mentally stable (if at all). The people who matter shouldn't have to be collateral damage for while I figure things out. It would be too much to ask for more patience from someone who barely has any left (and understandably so). It does get exhausting after a certain point, and I understand this. I just don't want to lose this person. I'm always willing to be better. I know I can be better. I will ask for it though if I have to, because I know I can make it worth his while. 

It just sunk in how I still haven't fully learned how to accept love from other people. I still don't like owing anyone anything. This makes my SO feel worthless, as if he's not doing enough, when I'm the one who won't let him. Apart from refusing his attempts, I wasn't clear about what I wanted. Mukha tuloy siyang walang ginagawa. Man. I really did him dirty. I just hope he still finds something redeemable about me. Idk. I don't want to beg, I think he also hates that, I'm feeling so anxious I threw up na kanina but I'll try to overcome that and give him the space he needs. I think I've said enough. I don't need to repeat myself. It'll only be annoying. This is scary. 

I thought I was learning tho, I was finally able to accept libre from friends, I didn't feel as horrible as the old(er) version of me would've, when Gina went all the way here to help me move out. I can admit to Airene and also Matt when I'm at a low and I need validation/compliments (they both delivered, the lucky girl that I am, fuck). So yay progress, right? I thought I knew better, but here I am in this situation, and I am taught that I still have a long way to go. 

To my credit tho, while the thought crossed my mind, I didn't mention breaking up, just that I wanted to know how to go about it.

I'll stop posting on Twitter and just reply to tweets at most. I also have to lessen doom scrolling as it does more harm than good for me and fuels my overthinking. The sad thoughts will also have to stop or be regulated at least.

I understand it's inevitable to change plans, what I did wrong was that I didn't assert if I want us to reschedule another day or what. For someone aggressive and assertive like me, it's so unproductive and ugly how I can't apply that to my personal life. I mean I did, but in the wrong manner (as in inasar jowa while trying to have a conversation). I should channel that energy properly.

I feel like throwing up again. Is this really it? We said we'd try long distance if it has to come to that, pero taob pala sa toyo ko. Not making it seem cute. I feel horrible, really. Hindi ako nagpi-pity party. But realizing I've hurt someone this much because of my unresolved personal issues sucks. I hate that I did that. I know I need therapy. It do be expensive tho. I'm also not as motivated to go after my last experience, but I'm open to the idea. 

Figuring out my life, healing from trauma, outgrowing my bad coping mechanisms, and everything along the same lines is/are a very tedious and long process.

If anything tho, I wish to be more like him as a person. He's so secure, hindi seloso. And some people may seem bothered, pero for someone as scatterbrained like I am, I appreciate when he can just lay things out. Tangina, ang labo ko talaga. Siya ang transparent niya na eh. Ako 'tong malabo. I swear, if he gives me another chance, I'll commit to this.

I don't want for this relationship to just be another lesson. No no no. I'm sure I want this in the long-term. Willing akong idaan sa usapan lahat. I guess I have to take into account din na his life hasn't been easy, he's dealt with enough horrible things din, and yet ganyan siya.

I know I can't fuck it up just because he's mature and stable anyway. I have to carry my own weight. I know Matt will accommodate if only I'd speak up. 

I wish to be the same for him so he can lean on me too. Kaya ko naman, I just royally fucked up today. 

I see a lot of potential bone apple tea posts and I can't even send it over :(

I'm not so much of a lost cause please. I have plans. I'll get to it. 

Kuntento naman daw siya sa amin. Ako rin naman. He's never not enough, it's that I can't get enough of him that I long for more. I don't think I'll run out of things to like about him. I could fall for the same thing over and over, but now I think maybe that's the good thing about why I'll never reach my limit. The world will try to take everything, but I will never run out. Which I lamented about around a week ago or so. 

I just didn't realize what exactly my problem was until today. I think this is the root cause of it all. 

I asked pa naman kasi I was planning what I was going to wear na sana, but I just didn't want to be excited tapos siya pala may ganung feelings. 

I brought this upon myself, kasi I insisted din na he tell me how he feels. Which I'm glad he did. He could've just sucker punched me. He has every right to reevaluate too. But it's only Thursday today. 

I can already see how horrible tomorrow will be. Friday will be a very long day. I will have no one but myself. I will be alone with these thoughts. 

I sort of miss Adi. I think she and Matt would get along. 

I don't know how things are gonna go from here, but okay, I'll make a list of the things I want to try so we can figure it out. If we are to move forward with the relationship.

My short, fat fingers are crossed. 

[Naghahanap ako ng gagawin, naglalagay na lang ako ng lyrics sa Genius ☹️]

I fucked up. Hehe. God kaw na bahala hehe 🙃 this hyper independence isn't an excuse hehe I can only hope for the best 🙃 I fucked up. Matt sorry pls 🙃 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 I'll do better 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 but of course ayokong mamilit kasi it only builds resentment 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 eto na last 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 willing dumayo kung sinusumpong ka lang kasi di magkasama 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 I'm 99.9% positive na sinumpong lang din ako for the very same reason 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 please 

Sana lumamig na ulo niya 🥹 pls sana usual away lang to im gonna throw up

I fucked up for real tho. I dont want to break promises, so I won't make one, pero if you just give me this, I'll make a conscious effort to do better. I'll really try. I want to be with this person. Pls. Ayoko na sa iba. Pero hindi ako mamimilit. 

I feel so antsy, but I deserve it tho. 

Not for you, but here's a song.

May I please throw up

In other news, I think I really like Radiohead's music. 

I feel so uncomfortable na ang sikip ng dibdib ko, parang may laman yung lalamunan ko pero imbes na umaakyat yung pagkain sa lalamunan ko, para akong nalulunod tapos nagbabara yung lalamunan ko. It was awful that I had to see stuff on top of how I've been feeling already. 

I'm sure Yani knows about the past. I have immense respect for her for being one of the nicest people around despite that. 

 I feel like shit. Lol. I don't think the SO is still as attracted to me like when we started. Maybe I was too tolerant; I just wanted to be understanding. I wish he'd be more intentional, but maybe this is it. I've kept saying yes I understand, but I think resentment is slowly building in my heart. Until when am I supposed to take it? I don't want to be the doormat. 

Hmm

I wish I could disintegrate and completely vanish as if I never existed at all. Maybe some people only want the yearning. 

I can't properly breathe. Sikip ng dibdib ko. 

 ako ay cute at tamad at tamad

I'm so attracted to SO sigh ugh

Thoughts have been thunk. But I want to keep it between me and the SO. Para cute.

In other news...

If you're going to be selfish in the name of self-care, then I implore that you might as well do it right and well. 

I've been thinking about going over my conversations with my last partner and reflect. 

[Update as of 4:38PM]

I'm so ashamed to put this on Twitter, especially after Karl, but being cheated on is traumatizing, 'no? 

Walang ni-respond si SO sa any of my brain fart kagabi. Or congratulations sa salary raise. I wonder if he really has plans to be more intentional about this relationship. Buti na rin I spoke with Andrea. 

I swear, after Matt, ayoko na. Whether I'll go off-grid ba, whatever, idk. Sana eto na. 

SO said he's stopping by this Saturday, but I feel so shitty I'm not sure if I have the energy to deal with another human being over the weekend. SO is different, of course. I love him without a doubt. Idk if his presence would do me any good while I'm feeling like this or have I gotten so used to being on my own that the idea of having someone on your side feels so foreign? Is it the same thing as bawling when he said he's also gonna call off work when I went on leave a day after my bday? Hmm. 

In other news, yes Ryan I'm proud of you. Im happy that good things are happening to my friends.

 I'm tired.

Naisip ko kanina it would be nice if SO could pay me a compliment that would actually count for something, but then, it's that he doesn't do it too often that gives weight to the times when he finally does. And don't start with me on how external validation is unnecessary when you have a solid sense of self, because nothing is making sense right now.

Or from anyone, really. And I don't want to hear anything about being strong, because it's not like there's anything exceptional about my strength you all oh so rave about. It's no different from everyone else trying to get through the day. Or about being smart or being pretty, with the mandatory add-on "just not by conventional standards" because I know what I'm not and that's the thing, I know too much about what I'm not. I'm not lazy when I compliment and try my hardest to personalize so it comes across to the receiver that it was solely intended for them. I deserve just as much. 

But idk. I'm just in need of some sort of upper, and of the healthy kind. 

I've been toying with a certain idea right now, but idk. [Update: Nope, I'm sure about this]

Here's the song I've been obsessed with recently. 

Have two more for good measure. 

And I'm back at it hahahaha

I feel so crappy it's manifesting into physical pain. 

I tried walking on my way home because they said mobility should help me get out of this funk, but it worsened. I felt lightheaded and I think I was close to idk dissociating idk I'm not diagnosed. Idk if I looked normal walking anymore it felt weird I gave up and got on a jeepney across Southmall. It's not even that I was tired.

I don't think Matt still loves me. Or maybe I just love him more. Nobody's counting. Or maybe he loves me enough and my brain just functions like crap. 

Real-time update, I got off the wrong stop. So so out of it. So I'm walking back again. Lol.

Would've asked Aj if I can drop by, but I realized she said she wont be home over the weekend. Or maybe I just imagined that. 

How do you know if a relationship is headed to a fall? Is ours one of those. 

I don't feel real. 

I feel apologetic for the time he spends with me, like every and any chance we get and if we can find time for each other is something better spent elsewhere. He has reassured me already, although I think we still have more to discuss, but if I had a better functioning mind, it would have been enough. 

The last few days since then, I've become emotionally numb. I feel detached. Feeling ko, na-trigger ata 'to gawa nung sa amin ni Matt nung nakaraan. Pero it's not like I did this intentionally. I saw this:

Parang di ko na mahal agad si Matt. We just said our I love you's and it felt empty & hollow saying those words. At the same time, I'mm well aware it is wrong. It shouldn't be like this. I wish to snap out of it. I don't feel optimistic about the relationship anymore. 

I shared this to AJ, and this is what she said. Helped a bit. Hope I get out of this rut sometime soon. 

I've cried away every waking hour I've had to myself since then. 

All I know is that I don't want to smother Matt and potentially make him feel like he's on a leash. 

I'm also very much aware that my self-esteem is shit. 

I know you love Matt pero if you don't see any value in your identity now, si Matt lang reason mo to be happy. Alam ko nakakasaya talaga pero will you really go there without an idea kung anong gusto mo para sa sarili mo? Di ko sinasabi na controlling ka. Pero right now only u can control is you in this relationship kaya all in ka kahit na di ka sure ano gusto mong work, anong gusto mo sa buhay, how about your dog?

Open minded ako. Wala naman din akong ganap dito. Might as well have something good. Bebu can be re-homed. I have friends. Or I can go to my father. 

Is it really a good enough reason for you? Yan ba magiging stand mo pag nag-away kayo doon. Pag na-feel mo out of nowhere, di mo kaya. 

Ofc not. Kailan ako nagsumbat ng effort ko. 

Then find something solid. Di siya pwedeng si Matt... that's for me

Makes sense. Find something solid tho? Lapida. Ayoko na. Hassle. Nagtatry ako. Hassle na ng araw-araw tapos kala mo promising na. Biglang may ganitong gatong. Quota na ako. 

*hugs* first

Alam mo, walang solid sa buhay ko. Ako ang solid. Ako lang. Kahit saan ako itapon, yan lang ang alam kong meron ako. Oo, alam ko it sounds codependent, pero in all my shitty self esteem, solid ako. Gets mo ba? Wala akong ambisyon. Pero kung kailangan ko palang iadjust perspective ko, which is what I'm already doing anyway, eh di adjust. I find reprieve in the small things. I'm willing to try anything if a chance comes my way. Open-minded naman ako. Wala na akong gusto. Everyone can leave. I have nothing to lose. You can list down all names, even Matt. I'm not living a life. 

Don't misunderstand, I'll still hurt. I love the people in my life, pero tanggap ko nang wala. I have nothing. 

So you're looking at walang ambisyon and walang gusto as your advantage?

In a way, yes. Might as well let life surprise me. This is a comfort zone in a way. Who knows. 

Is it better with Matt?

He makes me want to be better, though those are only small steps for now. Kaya I asked about growth. You have to nag Ryan. Matt tells me, and I consider. I've reached out to my mother. It's been easier to accept that maybe even if I don't have the job I used to want, there's something I can do with my life. Mas naging open-minded ako in a way. I've gained more gratitude. I want to try harder. And to continuously do so. I'm not saying this is all because of Matt because I deserve the most credit, but he's a ray of light. At the same time, even with the good, I'm well aware I can lose all these too. I don't have everything in control. Sorry. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Of all things, ayokong maging pabigat. Ayokong maging codependent. So I'll do my best to carry my own weight. If I can afford to do the lifting, I would rather do that. 

Go with what you think is the best option for you. 

Ang madali ay maghintay mabangga ng ten-wheeler. 

Gusto mo sumama diba... Do you have the means? Then go. 

Di ko alam. Wala akong gusto. Hassle na rin kay Matt. What I've been doing is I've had a headstart on mourning. 

It's good that he knows how this would go. If he wants to plan shit, I'm all ears. I know where I stand in everyone's life, and I won't impose and take up even an inch more. It's all good. Otherwise, I've started mourning already. I can detach. I can lose anything because I have nothing. Bebu, friends, job. Whatever. 

Ako yung solid. Pwede, solid till I'm not kasi who knows di ba? But I'm trying. 

You can be sad and detach. That's all okay. Sorry if i said walang solid. I think you are naman. Maybe a plan.

No, it's true tho. I get you. I have no ambition. I have no long-term goals. I have no money. I'm not paying for a house. I don't have insurance. I have no family. 

Kaya siguro you are built to see this as something another event in your life that will pass. 

Everything. Till death. I'm just waiting to die tbh. I mean, if there's an opportunity for a better place in life, I'm open. Otherwise, I'm just waiting to die. 

You're continuously seeking one naman?

Why would I seek? No na. 

Then you just let it be and wait for good things to happen?

Not everything is in my control, and everything I ever wanted and I tried to attain, I never got. The things that were out of my control didn't go in my favor. Wala na akong expectations sa buhay. I'll just do my best to be a good person. 

But not everything you attain, you want it too. 

Yeah. Talaga. Wala talaga akong gusto dito. Nacorner lang ako. If I chose differently, that would've been more triggering and I'd have died earlier. 

Sometimes, there is no better. There's nothing more to expect from life. At most, I'll have to make do with whatever silver linings there are in whatever situation I find myself. I could forever be broke, so I'll find solace in friends. I could lose friends, so I'll settle with knowing I always try. The grass is always greener where you water it. 

Reyna said something yesterday that stuck with me:

He hasn't told me he loves me back today. 

Thanks for making time, you. 

I'll look back upon this fondly and how it's been a good run. He sent me this song. 

Previously on I Seem to be the Universe's Guinea Pig and They Plan to Use Up All Drama Tropes on Me Till I Die...

There's a possibility of Matt going abroad to study. That's great news for him. I think there's a good chance of this happening. May connection din siya eh. 

Last night, I was determined to fight for this relationship no matter what. Now, I've been considering maybe I should let go. Maybe that's the lesson?

Maybe that's what's going to be best?

Like, I'd never want to be in his way or anyone's way. Iiyak ako bago matulog. Iiyak ako paggising. Iiyak sa trabaho. Umiiyak ngayon. Clear-cut naman anong possible outcomes. He also laid it out, the generous king 👑 that he is. Slay! 💅✨

I also want this for him.

Tinanong ako ng kaibigan ko kung anong gusto ko.

"Sa buhay? Wala," paglilinaw ko.

Ang tanga ko ata sa utak nito. Sa relationship daw kasi namin.

"Committed naman talaga ako," sagot ko naman. "All-in. Libingan levels." 

So keri mo if maging ldr kayo?

I want to give it a shot, yeah. I'll do my best to be more understanding. Pero naiintindihan ko rin where he's coming from. He needs to work 60 hrs/week + study. Isisingit niya pa ako? Sabi na nga ni Matt mismo, it'll be no different from penpals. 

Am I worth all that trouble? I have nothing going for me. I don't want to weigh him down either. And call this crazy, but ang daming readings about traveling for Geminis lately. Kaya rin I've been thinking maybe this is it for him and I'm only standing in the way.

Nothing's set in stone pa naman, sabi niya. Sabi niya, can't we enjoy things while we have them? Tama naman siya, pero paano ako when he leaves?

This isn't a Netflix movie. Di ko kaya yun. 

Realistically kasi you're someone who needs quality time based on all the times we talked, so kaya mo ba na ldr kayo ganon pero you'll hardly talk? 

Hindi ko alam, tbh. I don't want to break promises. I don't want to give up on this too. But I don't want to get in the way here. Breaking things off is the easy way out.

Or... ORRRR, highly baliwan option: you could go din. 

I'd be a burden if I join him. Tsaka wala akong balak sa buhay. I don't have the money for it. 

no one has the money for anything talaga hahshhda

So ano, YOLO na lang? Hahahaha wala naman tayong pera regardless. 

Wala akong pera. Wala akong pamilyang matatakbuhan for this. And for love? I'd be scoffed and laughed at. I'd laugh at myself.

Sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa even before this na committed ako. Gusto kong eto na.

Para lang akong floater, waiting for when I die.

I'm scared. These are actual life decisions. I stopped doing that when I ran away from home and started schooling. I'm scared kasi this is a big step. Would Matt even want the trouble? Ang bigat na sobra ng kanya tapos aalalahanin niya na rin ako. Ayokong maging pabigat. 

And for something so major, his parents will be involved at some point. I mean maybe the entire process. And since sabit ako, wow talaga ba? Hahaha. 

I'm ashamed of myself. Nahihiya akong itabi sarili ko kay Matt. And for a relationship that's less than 6 months old, huh?

If I were his parents, tataas kilay ko.

Think about it as something you'd do for you yk

I know. But I feel like I'd be no more than this dead weight. Ang sa akin, I can move past the fear of going into the unknown. Walang problema yan. Hindi ako maarte. I've been on survival mode for the longest time, that's not a problem. I won't be a sex worker tho sori no offense all women thats my personal boundary (atm but who knows idk).

But taking conscious actions towards something that I don't even really want (I just have no thoughts or opinions on it, don't hate it; don't love it either) and then leaving messing up other people's spaces? IDK. 

That's what scares me.

I've always taken comfort in knowing I'm not a burden to anyone.

Kaya rin todo effort ako kay Matt. If there's anything I could do to make it easier for him, if kaya ko, ako na lang.

No man is an island, my dude. Made-drain ka!! 

Oo naman. I know when to ask for favors. I can borrow money if I have to, outspoken ako about my needs. Pero iba 'to. Gets mo naman di ba?

If it means staying in my corner of the world, okay na rin. Wala naman na akong balak to do big, cool stuff. If anything comes my way and I find time for it, great. If I don't, okay.

Generally speaking, I'm not exactly looking forward to anything about the future. I don't even think about it.

But I want to be with Matt.

There are plans I think about. I'm just waiting on some things. Money for the most part.

How do I ask for a sign? Alam mo naisip kong magdasal. Idk. Kinausap ko na si Lord in my head.

Malay mo, gateway girl lang din pala ako before he sets off to the great life he's always wanted.

I know he loves me.

Pero the world and life is so much bigger than us. And I know love is too, and may even be bigger.

Kaya ako, okay nalang sa akin mag-let go. Ayokong maging pabigat. Mahal ko siya. Willing akong gumapang naman. Hindi ako takot sa kung anong kahahantungan nito if shit hits the fan basta walang manggagago sa amin.

If this means jumping off a cliff even when idk how to swim, as long as he says he's at the bottom, okay. And I'm aware he can't guarantee ding he'll always be there waiting. Gets. Pero okay lang naman sa akin.

I know he loves me, pero tanggap ko namang he may think the relationship isn't worth all this trouble. It's a big deal.

This wasn't part of the plan naman talaga to start with. Wala naman ding plan. Pero I didn't have this in mind. 

I've lived life just waiting for something to drop from the sky. 

I'll just keep replaying in my head na he's not ready for that commitment. Maybe he will be, just not with me. Tiisin ko na lang hanggang makaalis siya. Nakikita ko nang maghihiwalay kami. Di ko rin siya susumbatang bakit siya nakipagrelasyon kung ganon, kasi naiintindihan ko.

We're not in the same level of commitment. Hindi nade-demand yung ganun. Ayoko ring nagde-demand. Fair enough, if I'm allowed a minute of delusion, sabi niya, he's willing to take it by the day, for as many as he is allowed to, until he's on the same page as me. 

But I don't wanna be a part of his worries. Alam ko ring it's a given kasi we're in a relationship— he'll wonder if I've eaten, if my dog hasn't killed me yet, if I haven't been hit by a car, if work was okay, if my boss was an ass. Mga mundane stuff, kung anong ginagawa ko. 

But anything more is too much. I don't want to take up more space in his mind when he has other things far more important to think about. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to intrude. And I love him. He's the person I wouldn't want to do this to the most.

Klaire made a great playlist and shared it on Substack. I'll link two songs from it that I've always liked. It holds more meaning and the lines bear more weight now. 

Here's for wishful thinking, and here's to cope. 

Am I being stupid?

Life is already shitty enough. If I'm going to struggle for the rest of my life, why can't I have something that I actually want along for the ride?

He's leaving because he doesn't feel any sense of fulfillment career-wise, and this is also me, but I haven't figured out yet what I exactly want, so I'm taking my time until I find something that clicks. If eto na pala talaga ako, well, at least I've figured it out. Maybe I'll just compensate with the other parts of my life. But I don't buy this answer yet. So I'll wait. This is me.

He said we have three possible endings—1) we break up before he leaves, 2) I go there and he thinks it'll disrupt my life eh I'm still figuring it out, OR 3) He returns here, turning his back on his chance at feeling fulfilled and also eventually resenting me for it. I don't want the 1st scenario. I don't want the 3rd one either. I'm open to the second one, but I have nothing solid yet. What life is there to disrupt here?

I lose everything with #1, but it's the easy way out though. And I know I'll always have myself. Everything stays the same. Not much to adjust to. I'll deal with the pain as I have with my many other hurt.

Option 2, I question its plausibility. Money is a VERY big issue.

Option 3, it's the same as losing him except it's gradual instead.

The nice things I have right now are compensation and silver linings to the shitty life I've led. I'd know deep down if I can't commit. I have enough self-awareness for it. I love this person so much, I'm sure of it. I'm not with him just to make up for the solitude, because I was okay before him. There have been several ugly days here and there. But I manage to get back up and carry on. Wait till I die. I'm not afraid to be alone. But I love him.

Or do I not know what I'm talking about? Am I being a stupid? Do I sound like a child?

I know I'm young and a lot can change. I still have a lot of things I need to outgrow. I want to grow with this person.

I don't have a clear picture of what the future holds for me. And I've always found it hard to imagine a future for myself. But if there's anything that's in my control, I hope this is one of those things.

Going over it again though, I feel disheartened because he's not willing to try. 

Unfortunately, I can't go with how he wants things to be (judging from everything he's said so far) and pretend like things are good until he leaves. I value my time and energy, and I'm not a masochist. I'm not a martyr. 

We'll still talk naman. Idk. May life be kind. 

 I was right to cry. Idk how to navigate this relationship anymore. Idk what he wants. I also can't ask yet. I'm not ready for that conversation. We just reassured each other last time, and now this curveball. Labo naman ni God. 

 Basta ako ay big girl na ☹️ if he didnt want me to imagine the worst, he wouldn't do this. I suppose it's this bad. At least I have an hour to prepare for the worst. I know it's not gonna soften the blow. Pero at least may release na. Sikip ng dibdib ko. 

It was supposed to be a better day. I feel sad about how I can't do anything to make things better for the people around me :( sana lahat na lang ng bagay may solid solutions na attainable din on my end. :( 

Anyway kilig ako nang very lite kasi pinost ako ng jowaers. I did not exfeck to be part of the tough ten:

Ang akin lang ay magugulat na lang ba ako sa mga pic na biglang maglilitawan courtesy of the jowa. Buti di ako pangit dun WAHAHHAHAA

In other news, tinatamad pa akong asikasuhin goal ko, wahaha. May deadline akong naka-set naman. Need ko rin ng more money for it. It may take me till next month to act on it. 

Going back, world peace at peace of mind for everyone lang talaga please lang. Hay nako. Daming bad news lately, te. Alat alat ng buhay. Sana okay naman sa kung nasaan ka man. 

May sasabihin daw ang jowa sa akin. Kinakabahan ako. Feeling ko di pa naman ako delusional at irrational so I'll be able to accept the worst and understand. Maybe it was wrong to start believing. Maybe I'm also just overthinking. Either way, if this doesn't work out, I'm never going to bother again anymore. 

Bigat sa dibdib. 

 

I still feel crappy about myself. But we're ok. I hope I feel better soon. 

 I wish I were emotionally stable. 

 I've been feeling more insecure the past few days. I wanted to take advantage of the deal I had with Airene where we could turn to each other for reminders about the goodness we have, but I don't want to fish. I still don't feel sleepy. 

For some reason, I don't feel at ease. 

 Do I want this space found? 

 I wish there was something good about me. Not decent or passing, but unquestionably good. 

Was bored.

We're okay. Sometimes, it's his dense brain; most of the time, it's mine that's overthinking.

I'm so grateful for this person. He's really a great guy. The relationship isn't perfect, but it's never been this way with any other guy. I really want this to work. He's teaching me to be more grateful and the relationship is teaching me to be more patient. I've never desired someone like I do w him.

Sana di lang siya character development. I don't want to lose him. I really want to be with him for a long time, but of course, not everything is within my control. I want to be good and do good. Thank you for this person. 

Jowa said cute daw yung isa kong friend tapos na-realize kong all my girl friends ARE pretty 🤤

then y am i still str8 i could've been bi or smth hahahahaha jk 

This put me off though:

Siguro I was put off kasi friend knows I'm not in the same setup she is, and also because I want to be exclusive with this person. Literally just told her this is the most of the mosts (positive) guy I've ever been with. Prolly just a joke made in bad taste lalo na bc my boyfriend is a real person. I'm not sure if I'd laugh along if it were Matt's friend who'd joke about it.

Calling someone attractive, idc. Appreciating someone for their good qualities, idc.

Maybe I'm even the issue for taking offense. Haha it's all good, just found it off for a good minute. I'm satisfied where I am. 

I get how my ex felt when the people at work would pair me up with someone else. Maybe this is it. 

 What I thought was a good day apparently is not. Head hurts again 

 Dami ko grammar error sa last. I'm tired. Back hurts like hell di na tama

There are a lot of things and people to shit on, and while I can do without this thing we have between us, he is still one of the few I am thankful for on the daily, the good bit of the worst days even in his (supposed) worst (translation: when I bitch about him bc otherwise why would I complain with a passion if I deem it unworthy of my time and energy...)

Things still don't feel real sometimes, but a moment is just a small fraction of the day. 

I still want to get run over by a truck though. 

Therapy is expensive, but my boyfriend's thank-you messages are for free

Among many other things, my boyfriend has taught me to become more grateful. Therapy is expensive, but my boyfriend's thank-you messages are for free. 

 

As horrible as it sounds, I guess one reason why I'm not as excited anymore is because I've been let down and I'm scared to get my hopes up only to be disappointed again. 

There's also my issue with feeling like a burden to other people. I'd rather be the one who goes the extra mile for other people than be the one on the receiving end so that I can have that certainty that I'm never a burden to everyone else. 

I read this and cried a little.

My boyfriend does remind me I make him happy. Maybe I'll think of that. The brain is a liar.