I'll look back upon this fondly and how it's been a good run. He sent me this song. 

Previously on I Seem to be the Universe's Guinea Pig and They Plan to Use Up All Drama Tropes on Me Till I Die...

There's a possibility of Matt going abroad to study. That's great news for him. I think there's a good chance of this happening. May connection din siya eh. 

Last night, I was determined to fight for this relationship no matter what. Now, I've been considering maybe I should let go. Maybe that's the lesson?

Maybe that's what's going to be best?

Like, I'd never want to be in his way or anyone's way. Iiyak ako bago matulog. Iiyak ako paggising. Iiyak sa trabaho. Umiiyak ngayon. Clear-cut naman anong possible outcomes. He also laid it out, the generous king 👑 that he is. Slay! 💅✨

I also want this for him.

Tinanong ako ng kaibigan ko kung anong gusto ko.

"Sa buhay? Wala," paglilinaw ko.

Ang tanga ko ata sa utak nito. Sa relationship daw kasi namin.

"Committed naman talaga ako," sagot ko naman. "All-in. Libingan levels." 

So keri mo if maging ldr kayo?

I want to give it a shot, yeah. I'll do my best to be more understanding. Pero naiintindihan ko rin where he's coming from. He needs to work 60 hrs/week + study. Isisingit niya pa ako? Sabi na nga ni Matt mismo, it'll be no different from penpals. 

Am I worth all that trouble? I have nothing going for me. I don't want to weigh him down either. And call this crazy, but ang daming readings about traveling for Geminis lately. Kaya rin I've been thinking maybe this is it for him and I'm only standing in the way.

Nothing's set in stone pa naman, sabi niya. Sabi niya, can't we enjoy things while we have them? Tama naman siya, pero paano ako when he leaves?

This isn't a Netflix movie. Di ko kaya yun. 

Realistically kasi you're someone who needs quality time based on all the times we talked, so kaya mo ba na ldr kayo ganon pero you'll hardly talk? 

Hindi ko alam, tbh. I don't want to break promises. I don't want to give up on this too. But I don't want to get in the way here. Breaking things off is the easy way out.

Or... ORRRR, highly baliwan option: you could go din. 

I'd be a burden if I join him. Tsaka wala akong balak sa buhay. I don't have the money for it. 

no one has the money for anything talaga hahshhda

So ano, YOLO na lang? Hahahaha wala naman tayong pera regardless. 

Wala akong pera. Wala akong pamilyang matatakbuhan for this. And for love? I'd be scoffed and laughed at. I'd laugh at myself.

Sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa even before this na committed ako. Gusto kong eto na.

Para lang akong floater, waiting for when I die.

I'm scared. These are actual life decisions. I stopped doing that when I ran away from home and started schooling. I'm scared kasi this is a big step. Would Matt even want the trouble? Ang bigat na sobra ng kanya tapos aalalahanin niya na rin ako. Ayokong maging pabigat. 

And for something so major, his parents will be involved at some point. I mean maybe the entire process. And since sabit ako, wow talaga ba? Hahaha. 

I'm ashamed of myself. Nahihiya akong itabi sarili ko kay Matt. And for a relationship that's less than 6 months old, huh?

If I were his parents, tataas kilay ko.

Think about it as something you'd do for you yk

I know. But I feel like I'd be no more than this dead weight. Ang sa akin, I can move past the fear of going into the unknown. Walang problema yan. Hindi ako maarte. I've been on survival mode for the longest time, that's not a problem. I won't be a sex worker tho sori no offense all women thats my personal boundary (atm but who knows idk).

But taking conscious actions towards something that I don't even really want (I just have no thoughts or opinions on it, don't hate it; don't love it either) and then leaving messing up other people's spaces? IDK. 

That's what scares me.

I've always taken comfort in knowing I'm not a burden to anyone.

Kaya rin todo effort ako kay Matt. If there's anything I could do to make it easier for him, if kaya ko, ako na lang.

No man is an island, my dude. Made-drain ka!! 

Oo naman. I know when to ask for favors. I can borrow money if I have to, outspoken ako about my needs. Pero iba 'to. Gets mo naman di ba?

If it means staying in my corner of the world, okay na rin. Wala naman na akong balak to do big, cool stuff. If anything comes my way and I find time for it, great. If I don't, okay.

Generally speaking, I'm not exactly looking forward to anything about the future. I don't even think about it.

But I want to be with Matt.

There are plans I think about. I'm just waiting on some things. Money for the most part.

How do I ask for a sign? Alam mo naisip kong magdasal. Idk. Kinausap ko na si Lord in my head.

Malay mo, gateway girl lang din pala ako before he sets off to the great life he's always wanted.

I know he loves me.

Pero the world and life is so much bigger than us. And I know love is too, and may even be bigger.

Kaya ako, okay nalang sa akin mag-let go. Ayokong maging pabigat. Mahal ko siya. Willing akong gumapang naman. Hindi ako takot sa kung anong kahahantungan nito if shit hits the fan basta walang manggagago sa amin.

If this means jumping off a cliff even when idk how to swim, as long as he says he's at the bottom, okay. And I'm aware he can't guarantee ding he'll always be there waiting. Gets. Pero okay lang naman sa akin.

I know he loves me, pero tanggap ko namang he may think the relationship isn't worth all this trouble. It's a big deal.

This wasn't part of the plan naman talaga to start with. Wala naman ding plan. Pero I didn't have this in mind. 

I've lived life just waiting for something to drop from the sky. 

I'll just keep replaying in my head na he's not ready for that commitment. Maybe he will be, just not with me. Tiisin ko na lang hanggang makaalis siya. Nakikita ko nang maghihiwalay kami. Di ko rin siya susumbatang bakit siya nakipagrelasyon kung ganon, kasi naiintindihan ko.

We're not in the same level of commitment. Hindi nade-demand yung ganun. Ayoko ring nagde-demand. Fair enough, if I'm allowed a minute of delusion, sabi niya, he's willing to take it by the day, for as many as he is allowed to, until he's on the same page as me. 

But I don't wanna be a part of his worries. Alam ko ring it's a given kasi we're in a relationship— he'll wonder if I've eaten, if my dog hasn't killed me yet, if I haven't been hit by a car, if work was okay, if my boss was an ass. Mga mundane stuff, kung anong ginagawa ko. 

But anything more is too much. I don't want to take up more space in his mind when he has other things far more important to think about. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to intrude. And I love him. He's the person I wouldn't want to do this to the most.

Klaire made a great playlist and shared it on Substack. I'll link two songs from it that I've always liked. It holds more meaning and the lines bear more weight now. 

Here's for wishful thinking, and here's to cope. 

Am I being stupid?