All I know is that I don't want to smother Matt and potentially make him feel like he's on a leash.
I'm also very much aware that my self-esteem is shit.
I know you love Matt pero if you don't see any value in your identity now, si Matt lang reason mo to be happy. Alam ko nakakasaya talaga pero will you really go there without an idea kung anong gusto mo para sa sarili mo? Di ko sinasabi na controlling ka. Pero right now only u can control is you in this relationship kaya all in ka kahit na di ka sure ano gusto mong work, anong gusto mo sa buhay, how about your dog?
Open minded ako. Wala naman din akong ganap dito. Might as well have something good. Bebu can be re-homed. I have friends. Or I can go to my father.
Is it really a good enough reason for you? Yan ba magiging stand mo pag nag-away kayo doon. Pag na-feel mo out of nowhere, di mo kaya.
Ofc not. Kailan ako nagsumbat ng effort ko.
Then find something solid. Di siya pwedeng si Matt... that's for me
Makes sense. Find something solid tho? Lapida. Ayoko na. Hassle. Nagtatry ako. Hassle na ng araw-araw tapos kala mo promising na. Biglang may ganitong gatong. Quota na ako.
*hugs* first
Alam mo, walang solid sa buhay ko. Ako ang solid. Ako lang. Kahit saan ako itapon, yan lang ang alam kong meron ako. Oo, alam ko it sounds codependent, pero in all my shitty self esteem, solid ako. Gets mo ba? Wala akong ambisyon. Pero kung kailangan ko palang iadjust perspective ko, which is what I'm already doing anyway, eh di adjust. I find reprieve in the small things. I'm willing to try anything if a chance comes my way. Open-minded naman ako. Wala na akong gusto. Everyone can leave. I have nothing to lose. You can list down all names, even Matt. I'm not living a life.
Don't misunderstand, I'll still hurt. I love the people in my life, pero tanggap ko nang wala. I have nothing.
So you're looking at walang ambisyon and walang gusto as your advantage?
In a way, yes. Might as well let life surprise me. This is a comfort zone in a way. Who knows.
Is it better with Matt?
He makes me want to be better, though those are only small steps for now. Kaya I asked about growth. You have to nag Ryan. Matt tells me, and I consider. I've reached out to my mother. It's been easier to accept that maybe even if I don't have the job I used to want, there's something I can do with my life. Mas naging open-minded ako in a way. I've gained more gratitude. I want to try harder. And to continuously do so. I'm not saying this is all because of Matt because I deserve the most credit, but he's a ray of light. At the same time, even with the good, I'm well aware I can lose all these too. I don't have everything in control. Sorry. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Of all things, ayokong maging pabigat. Ayokong maging codependent. So I'll do my best to carry my own weight. If I can afford to do the lifting, I would rather do that.
Go with what you think is the best option for you.
Ang madali ay maghintay mabangga ng ten-wheeler.
Gusto mo sumama diba... Do you have the means? Then go.
Di ko alam. Wala akong gusto. Hassle na rin kay Matt. What I've been doing is I've had a headstart on mourning.
It's good that he knows how this would go. If he wants to plan shit, I'm all ears. I know where I stand in everyone's life, and I won't impose and take up even an inch more. It's all good. Otherwise, I've started mourning already. I can detach. I can lose anything because I have nothing. Bebu, friends, job. Whatever.
Ako yung solid. Pwede, solid till I'm not kasi who knows di ba? But I'm trying.
You can be sad and detach. That's all okay. Sorry if i said walang solid. I think you are naman. Maybe a plan.
No, it's true tho. I get you. I have no ambition. I have no long-term goals. I have no money. I'm not paying for a house. I don't have insurance. I have no family.
Kaya siguro you are built to see this as something another event in your life that will pass.
Everything. Till death. I'm just waiting to die tbh. I mean, if there's an opportunity for a better place in life, I'm open. Otherwise, I'm just waiting to die.
You're continuously seeking one naman?
Why would I seek? No na.
Then you just let it be and wait for good things to happen?
Not everything is in my control, and everything I ever wanted and I tried to attain, I never got. The things that were out of my control didn't go in my favor. Wala na akong expectations sa buhay. I'll just do my best to be a good person.
But not everything you attain, you want it too.
Yeah. Talaga. Wala talaga akong gusto dito. Nacorner lang ako. If I chose differently, that would've been more triggering and I'd have died earlier.
Sometimes, there is no better. There's nothing more to expect from life. At most, I'll have to make do with whatever silver linings there are in whatever situation I find myself. I could forever be broke, so I'll find solace in friends. I could lose friends, so I'll settle with knowing I always try. The grass is always greener where you water it.
Reyna said something yesterday that stuck with me:
He hasn't told me he loves me back today.
Thanks for making time, you.