Life is already shitty enough. If I'm going to struggle for the rest of my life, why can't I have something that I actually want along for the ride?

He's leaving because he doesn't feel any sense of fulfillment career-wise, and this is also me, but I haven't figured out yet what I exactly want, so I'm taking my time until I find something that clicks. If eto na pala talaga ako, well, at least I've figured it out. Maybe I'll just compensate with the other parts of my life. But I don't buy this answer yet. So I'll wait. This is me.

He said we have three possible endings—1) we break up before he leaves, 2) I go there and he thinks it'll disrupt my life eh I'm still figuring it out, OR 3) He returns here, turning his back on his chance at feeling fulfilled and also eventually resenting me for it. I don't want the 1st scenario. I don't want the 3rd one either. I'm open to the second one, but I have nothing solid yet. What life is there to disrupt here?

I lose everything with #1, but it's the easy way out though. And I know I'll always have myself. Everything stays the same. Not much to adjust to. I'll deal with the pain as I have with my many other hurt.

Option 2, I question its plausibility. Money is a VERY big issue.

Option 3, it's the same as losing him except it's gradual instead.

The nice things I have right now are compensation and silver linings to the shitty life I've led. I'd know deep down if I can't commit. I have enough self-awareness for it. I love this person so much, I'm sure of it. I'm not with him just to make up for the solitude, because I was okay before him. There have been several ugly days here and there. But I manage to get back up and carry on. Wait till I die. I'm not afraid to be alone. But I love him.

Or do I not know what I'm talking about? Am I being a stupid? Do I sound like a child?

I know I'm young and a lot can change. I still have a lot of things I need to outgrow. I want to grow with this person.

I don't have a clear picture of what the future holds for me. And I've always found it hard to imagine a future for myself. But if there's anything that's in my control, I hope this is one of those things.

Going over it again though, I feel disheartened because he's not willing to try. 

Unfortunately, I can't go with how he wants things to be (judging from everything he's said so far) and pretend like things are good until he leaves. I value my time and energy, and I'm not a masochist. I'm not a martyr. 

We'll still talk naman. Idk. May life be kind.