we're now okay

We're now okay.

Thanks for dropping by and checking in. I like how we talked about it; it wasn't angry and messy and deafening like in the movies. Think Baumbach's Marriage Story. You know which part. And we were far from that scene. I think we handled it pretty well.

Some days, he makes me want to start dreaming again and tonight, he's reminded me that even with the bad, when it's with his company, it's easier to brush them off and just take them on. I hope this doesn't sound dependent. I think I've coped with my life okay naman on my own so far, but it's different when your day is closely linked with someone. It's the same level of difficulty when you're on your commute past the wee hours of the night or morning, and you have someone with you. You can't think just for yourself anymore. You have to turn your head every once in a while to make sure the other person's catching up too while you run after your ride, or better yet, you hold their hand and it's either the two of you get on or nobody does. 

Siguro I say that bit kasi I remember how we still had a good time despite walking in the rain with only his small and slightly bent and worn out pink umbrella (romantic in the movies, but very shitty in real life, especially when you live in Manila, where roofs come flying off of houses every typhoon season or even when it isn't, as long as a typhoon or two spontaneously decide to pay my poor country a visit just for kicks lulz).

I like how, on the first date, it was the strolling that we both enjoyed the most, apart from each other's company, when we saw that the tickets to Manila Ocean Park were expensive. (many others would persist all to save face and appear more than what their wallet really has idk)

And even today, I enjoyed regardless of my blunder. I hope he truly did too. 

I'm in love and I really love him.

I also like this compliment from him, so I'm keeping it here because no one's said this before:

Also him just this morning: 

Hihi.

More dramatic posts on here may still come your way on some days in the future, and I hope that he and I overcome them just as we did this one.

To be honest, medyo naiisip kong baka sa simula lang pala siya magaling. Iniisip ko ring pwedeng nawawalan na siya ng gana kasi ang dalas ko ring toyoin or maybe he never really was that into me. It is what it is. Such is life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hinihintay kong duguin ako.

Problem #1, what if kina Matt ako datnan? Problem #2, what if matagusan ko beddings? Problem #3, day 1-3 is always a bitch, what then?

Problem #4, what if sa Cebu/Bohol ako datnan?

Problem #5, nag-SL ako at hinahanap ako ng boss ko kasi half day lang dapat.

Problem #6, karma is a bitch I suppose. Ganito pala feeling pag tinotokis ng gusto mong kasama. Karma is a bitch nga. Ang crappy sa feeling. 

Kanina pa pala akong 4am gising. Siguro eto na nga lesson ko. Di na ako mag-iinvest as much. I don't like feeling like this. Pwedeng clouded lang judgment ko, pero what if masyadong maaga nga akong um-oo? Maybe I should've waited till next year or something. 

 I was thinking maybe I could leave Bebu with my father, but my dog is just too pure for that and deserves better.

It's unfortunate that there's no magic cure to this; I wish there was. I'm perfectly aware that there are people who care for me, but I feel so disconnected and the largest part on why that is is on me, but self-awareness can only get you so far, no?

I wish I felt better. I wish I was better. Ayoko na dito, pero mas ayokong maging pabigat nga lang sa mga malalapit sa akin at the moment. I was thinking maybe I could just go to Batangas should I fully decide to get it done and over with. What I'd pay to see my father devastated if he were to learn of it. Hopefully my mom finds out too and I hope it hurts them both to death. Schadenfreude nga, sabi nila. I wish letting go of baggage was easy. I want to get over everything, truly, but I can't. And I badly, badly wish I could. Ayoko nang dala-dala 'to. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung anu-ano pa ba talagang tangan-tangan ko. 

If you're close to me, please don't try to make me feel better. Pity would only worsen it, and while I'm sure you have the best of intentions, my brain won't be able to fully make sense of it. Thanks. 

Came across this link while I was looking up interpretations on dreams of past and current lovers in a threesome setup because SO dreamt of it. Most of the results were meh; compiled them all in this one MS Word file and sent it to SO 

songs:

one

two

i dont know how i feel these days when i think about it. or maybe i shouldnt be thinking too hard about it to start with. 

i feel like crap theres nothing to look forward to ahha still wont mind being deleted from existence 

Ang unpleasant ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. I'm still on the fence about that team building this weekend. Everyone says maybe human interaction would improve my disposition but what good use is forcing myself to mingle when I don't like the people I'm/I'll be with? I still may flake. Bahala na yung 600. 

Umiiyak ako ngayon pero di pa rin naiibsan yung nararamdaman ko, whatever this is. I can't even explain it, pero my best bet is eto yung onset nung naramdaman ko dating parang humihiwalay yung utak/kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko. Ang sakit sa ulo. I'm doing my best to function, but to no avail.

Ayoko na talaga. Gusto ko na talagang maglaho. Parang gusto ko na lang gumawa ng kung anu-anong impulsive na mga bagay and waste away, waste myself away, waste away my life.

I'm tired of everything seryoso. Alam kong paulit-ulit, but I mean it everytime. 

Siguro maybe in the future if I'd be given the choice between avoiding a gory death but continue living as a consequence OR ending life but thru violent means, I may eventually find comfort in the latter.

Life isn't all that bad, I swear I know, but I still can't bear it for some reason. I don't know why this is, or where this dissatisfaction is still coming from. I have no expectations in life anymore, kaya nga dead weight na lang ako eh, but even then, this still happens.

I just want this to end please. Di ko na kaya. Ang sakit na sobra sa puso. It's like my heart is being clawed out of my chest. It physically hurts so much. 

 Umay

Nakakasawa kayong lahat. Yun lang. 

 Maybe I never really changed. 

Sabi naman ni Aj, normal lang maging curious about the people who were/are in your life. Eh. Parang nagsisisi ako sa desisyon ko nung weekend. Idk. Bahala na lang. Umay ng buwan na 'to. Also baka papasukin kami sa Thanksgiving at Black Friday. Umay. Bahala na. Siguro, mainam na mag-tone down na lang din ako sa interaction ko. Mag-uninstall na lang ako ng ig. Kaya ko naman. 

Sorry I'm too drained to bother with a song for you. I know it's been a while. Sorry. 

 I feel like crap I wanna go home and be alone I want the ground to swallow me whole I don't know why I'm here I feel glued where I am I want to leave idk why I'm here I don't serve any purpose 

 I now feel like crap. I wish those around me don't take it upon them to make me feel better. I'm sorry I can't pretend I'm chirpy

Tumayo ako and nag pause to let it sink in na I'm a year older para magmoment sana kumbaga but u know what idc ATM haaha niways airways ehhhhhhhh sana matae na ako yan ang bday wish ko 

 I hug my pillow as I get ready to sleep. My head goes "I love him!" nonstop, more times than my poor brain can process.

Ah. 

 I've been feeling like crap a lot lately and I cannot function at work. I've wasted two days at work now. 

Was looking at all the stuff on my Google Drive and came across this list I made 2 years ago.

Ang hirap paniwalaang I've let 2 yrs just pass by me like that. I don't know what to feel. 

I feel so lucky.  :( 

i feel so dead. SKL

So cute. 

Idk why my feelings are so intense i love him so much and fine ive had a lot of moments when i'd realize im down so bad but i never really acknowledged them until now. anyway :( i hope this doesnt scare him off also i feel so ugly and bloated but bc i ate a lot of chicken wings and i had sisig rice very salty i will have to detox maybe use laxative idk i love him so much

I dont know where to put all these feelings they're just overflowing. i love him so much

 Had a bad dream about my dad. He'd kidnap girls and then idk sell them off for prostitution idk. In my dream ppl around me looked down on me bc of that but I felt helpless abt it. In my dream kinidnap niya yung kawork ko tapos as in chinloroform niya talaga tapos I did what I could to ask for help sinumbong ko siya. Tas nung dala dala niya na palabas yung babae nung pinipigilan niya ako mag video nabangga siya tapos nagising ako

Made me think how much I've told Matt about my family. And if he doesn't know those things, I wonder if he won't think of me any less as a person. 

Skeri. 

Basta ako I'll hold it in I won't say it first. Kawawa ako. Either siya mauuna o sasabog na lang ako 

He wrote this. Thank you. Pero maganda na rin tong wala sa aking padalos-dalos lang. If he says the L word baka mapressure lang ako. Ok na rin to. Gnite sry I'm sleepy 

I hope this will make sense.

But I care for this person so much that I want to feel like I would have to otherwise explode before I name it as what I would've already by now if it were a few years back. I want to reach the point of no return first, because maybe I don't want to go back anymore. I think this is where I want to be. I don't know where this even leads, but I'm finally okay with not knowing. And while this story has for sure been told in some other side of the world, I don't feel like I'm living in a simulation or following a formula. I don't feel the need to play God and guess what happens next. I see the possibilities, but I'm content with just letting things unfold and happen as they do. He makes it easier to believe in the good and stop my habit of starting unproductive self-fulfilling prophecies. Maybe even turn it to a positive loop or something. 

He makes want to hope again. 

I want it to be as real and as sure as possible. I want to be the surest I can be. And I'm still not there yet, but I feel it won't be a long hike. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did. I want to be the best I can be if I push for this.

And I think long hikes would stop to exist with 

him. I feel like at some point in time, no extreme will ever be enough, or feel like the last, and so we'll go on till life permits. 

I like that I'm alone with my thoughts tonight. I'm crying to this song right now. Haven't cried this much and feel this achingly for a long time. 

I'm okay. 

Just realized this difference between how I'd wait to reach my breaking point before cutting people loose and how I'm waiting to reach my breaking point before I begin this.

I hope that's good. It feels okay. 

It's so much easier to deal with the rage from things that are work-related than with the numbness of this life I chose.

I like the times when we talk, and on the times when we don't, I like to think of you. 

 you know what they say about having a person who can take you to the highest of heights which also means giving them the power to push you off the cliff? idrk what exactly the line was but all i can say is that right now i think im just liking this person even more. idk if it's right or wrong but im not really complaining. i think despite everything maybe everything's just okay....

napansin ko lang no, i feel so suffocated sa office. i think i may need to request na mag WFH na. siguro by my next evals na lang tapos aasikasuhin ko na ngang magpakabit ng internet din. 

eto secret lang: yung ganitong take it slow kineso ay medyo nakakatakot kasi mas lumalalim. if u know u know if u dont eh di sad

 im so fucked in the head i think i feel awful

 I hope I'm just overthinking and that my gut feeling is wrong. Mahirap ngang mag-let loose lang. I think I feel detached. I hope I'm wrong. I hope he's not like the rest. I'm not sure if I'm just spiralling lol bahala na 

 I like this pace. 

I feel suffocated. Hindi ako makahinga. I think I feel like crap. I'm reminded of how this is not the life I want, not the life I ever wanted or will ever want. It's the only the peace I want, but wow, it has taken a lot from me. Naiiyak ako kaso kasi nasa desk ko ako lol 

I think I want to be alone. 

May bawi nga yata talaga lahat. Okay lang. Di naman na bago. I'm trying my best to keep from resorting to my old way of becoming difficult during times like this. Idk. Maybe it'll be better in the morning. 

I feel so lucky that how being with this person I'm seeing right now just feels right. While it's not easy to be vulnerable generally speaking, it's easier with him. I still have some struggles here and there, but I really want to overcome those. It's also nice how I don't have to be anything more but myself. I can just think out loud and we can laugh at the stupidest things together. We don't have to act or talk smart (but I know he is), we can just walk the entire night, sleep the whole day away, and it'll still be a good time.

It feels nice. I want to be with this person more. The songs are starting to sound like they've been made for him all along. I want to share the good parts of my days with him and feel him close during the bad. 

Ang corny but I think of him when I think of eating smth that makes me happy. 

I like him a lot.

 Costar said something about crying 

And while work was tiring like always, I wasn't as stressed as before. This guy and I were talking about not feeling like working and filing for leave and yes, I shared that I'll be on leave the day after my birthday (it falls on Sunday) so that I can avoid greetings because it only makes me feel awkward. Then he offered to go on leave din the day after my birthday, and it could be the hormones, I don't know, pero naiyak ako. I think it's the first time someone offered to do something like that. Parang ma-effort kasi. Kasi like??? Maglileave ka sa work?? We can celebrate naman sa weekend or find time, pero to go on leave din just to be with me? :( I feel so soft like idk if it's the good kind or not.

Di pa rin ako makapaniwalang this is happening for me srsly. Too good to be true nga. Pero syempre ayoko namang i-spoil. Pag masyadong skeptical, it ruins things. Pero may times pa ring di ako makapaniwalang andyan siya? Kasi kahit ako naboboringan sa sarili ko? Like we don't even talk about anything groundbreaking, just about how our days went. Pero naghehesitate pa rin ako kasi di ako sure how much I should be sharing. Ayoko namang magmukhang pagdudump lang ang personality ko. I don't really think I'm interesting. I also don't want to try to be interesting or anything. I don't have the energy to do that. Tsaka alam mo, kahit na nakakakilig yung idea na someone's taken an interest in you, it's also scary to think of what happens next when the things that were once interesting lose their sparkle and become more and more familiar by the day. The thought of interest being that glue that holds  people together scares me. What comes after all the pages are turned and all the lines are read? 

Also, on most days, I'm just tired. 

I don't do anything special with my life. So I don't know how to hold his interest. I don't have it in me to be just some person's stopover before the great thing.

I don't really feel pretty. Compliments still make me feel weird. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 

The only consolation here was when I reactivated my Facebook account and looked up some of his writings, and when his words became more personal, I stopped reading. So yay for me kasi di na ako nag-open ng can of worms at naghanap ng ikaka-overthink ko lalo. 

And I'll only say this here, but I've been wanting to kiss this person a lot. Like a lot, and it feels like the closest way to satisfy this need is to wear him on my skin, but even that doesn't seem anywhere near or close enough.

like i need to consume u and keep even just a little part of you in me until i run out of my fix and i have to take u in again

I know, it sounds crazy lol

I also don't know how to navigate this. I don't know when is too soon or too long. 

I've also been playing this song nonstop, and ang timely lang how it's about new things.

I'm also scared to say this din kasi baka ma-jinx, pero remember Reyna read shit for me? 

May ibang parts na nagresonate ngayon, yun lang about sa Pisces ang hindi, kasi dapat daw big 6, pero kung counted ang Jupiter eh di yes. Tsaka Jupiter rin chart ruler niya. 

Sana may sahod na. Gusto kong magkaraoke at mag-ukay. 

Me today!

 i hope im doing things right this time around. work was great yesterday. someone's giving me the cold shoulder at work, and i'd be ok I'm even relieved for the quiet, but the idea that someone's mad at me makes me feel uneasy but ill hopefully get over it.

in other news, im also a little scared. i don't want to elaborate. i can't. or maybe i can. im scared of when it gets messy, if it does. or if it ends up im not rly good enough. i suppose im scared of being eventually abandoned in the trenches. 

im feeling insecure ig.

im not gonna share any further. gnite. 

I'm at a standstill—

There's a small desire to share whatever this is with the very tiny world I exist in, but at the same time, I'm a little anxious about jinxes.

So we're going here instead. 

It's also my mom's birthday. Hope today treats us both well. 

This is the calmest my life has ever been the whole time I've lived it, but every so often I still get afraid that I might not be living my life the right way, and I'm not where I'm supposed to be, and that I'll end up becoming the very thing I've wished to avoid. 

Totoo yung meme abt listening to the person you like talk + I rly enjoy it talaga I'm not doing it bc of the person but also I think it's adorable whenever it happens 

Naalala ko mama ko ulit. Nabanggit nitong ~ka-talking stage~ ko (idk what to call him and I don't wanna namedrop just yet) na malungkot tumanda sa hindi mo bansa, tapos naalala ko yung sinasabi ng mama ko dati na mas pipiliin niya pang mamatay sa ibang bansa kesa umuwi dito. May attachment siya sa family (I mean like my grandpa, her dad) pero at the same time di maganda para sa sarili niya na umuwi that's what I remember I might be remembering it wrong. I think it may also be because of me. 

Siguro kahit malungkot siya sa labas, she'll get by. I'm like her in that regard, kaya namin parehas mag-isa. Ang interesting lang how we're similar in ways and yet at the same time, we can't stand each other, and that's not bc of what they say na galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw, but more like I'm one of the main reasons why she wasn't able to fulfill the things she wants for herself. I feel sad for her about this, really. It stings din on my part, pero it's an ache I can live with for the rest of my life na. 

Naalala ko she'd say something na baka dumating daw sa point na ipadala na nga lang yung puntod niya pauwi ng Pilipinas, I think like that's the only way she'll go home at that point.

Birthday din ng mama ko bukas; sana mawala sa isip ko. 

 Why was I even stressed? I love siomai I am renewed 

 I think I'm not yet ready. I'm not sure if I'm only saying this bc it's been a bad day, but I feel so hollow. I don't believe I have enough of myself to share with somebody else.

I don't think I'm enough yet. I don't know if I've just gotten used to the solitude and it's turned to a safe space. I don't know if I'm just scared of putting myself through the same things that broke me. Ayoko lang talagang magkamali ulit. Or makasakit. Especially when it could be prevented. 

This may be stemming from the helplessness I feel towards that person. The most I can do is listen. I do care, but it's not all the time that the care we have for people comes across or translates to actions that make them feel better. And I know better than to wish for something futile. And lazy and complacent. 

I asked some people I like from work to drink later at 10AM, pero parang nagsisisi ako. Parang gusto kong uminom at mag-isang magmunimuni. 

Here's my safe spot when I don't feel like eating at work or when I don't want to see anyone's face:

I'm half-worried I might get shot here, what with the news of the recent killing of a critic of the previous admin. And in one of the (supposedly) safest places here in my part of the world. But half of me also gives zero fucks.

I have nothing to lose. I have nothing going for me. Or anything to hold on to here. Still won't mind dying.

I just don't have any burial plans yet. That's my biggest concern for when I die. Otherwise, I'd have been gone a long time ago. 

I'm tired. Like I said before, I'm only okay on some days because I just let the days pass. I don't think about the future. I don't think about wanting. I don't think of wanting better for myself.

But even that's become tiring too.

I'll get through the day like I always do. Will I feel better though? I'm not sure either. I can only hope. 

 It always sucks, leaving one home for another, one after the other. 

I feel a little ache in my heart when someone feels grateful or happy over something that should be the norm. Makes me wonder how badly they were treated or unappreciated. 

Song.

 Kinakabahan ako kasi ako na mismo nagtanong when 2nd date. Di naman ako nagmamadali 🥹 pero parang nagsisisi ako kasi baka nga overeager EWAN HOW DOES DATING WORK PARANG GUSTO KO BIGLANG LAMUNIN NG LUPA NA LANG 

I am charmed. What the heal! Alam mo gusto malaman how I was dati to check if gaya lang ba ako ng dati. I really don't want to engage in smth that'll just turn out like the others. While totoong walang guarantee naman talaga, siguro gusto ko ma-ensure na I'm doing it right na lang, ganon. And it was nice we could be open abt our thoughts. I can't believe I was able to share a few of the stuff that were on my previous entries. Like, I may not have shared everything, but I've shared some of the important points. That's nice. And oo alam ko part ng branding ko ang self deprecating humor at ang pagiging miserable pero like, I really don't feel like self-pitying. Oo, may insecurities pa rin ako, pero di ako gaanong nagdudwell dun. Siguro mas madali na lang sa akin ngayong mag-go with the flow kung anuman mangyari dito. 

It's way too early to make any sort of declarations, and I guess I'm glad the past has taught me to be cautious in that regard or to word it a little better, to not rush into things, but I will not lie, I am charmed by this person. Like, it wasn't hard to just act like myself around him, and I'm glad that he felt the same way (he said this, I'm not being delusional).

Hindi siya condescending, he was nice, he was upfront, he wasn't a creep, he's smart, he really is funny lol not a scam!! And I admire how he's honest and how he holds himself accountable for some mistakes he's done before and it was cute that he apologized abt smth he had to deal with tho I (tried to) reassure him that he shouldn't have to say sorry about it bc he really doesn't have to naman talaga. We haven't really established what we are or any rules for whatever this, and I'm not saying we have to lmao it's just the first date, but ayun, he's ok. And even if we were already, say, exclusive, when it happened, I guess he was just tying up loose ends. I can only hope that if whatever's going on is to progress, that there'd be no hang ups on both our ends. 

Well. It looks promising. Pero I don't have my head up in the clouds. I'm just open to whatever this leads to, and even if ~we don't happen~, I'll be okay I think. I'm hopeful for the best, whatever that may be. Subjective naman ang best din when it comes to things like these, so I'm sure whatever the best is, I'll get it. Sorry if that did not make sense good morning. 

I don't think I need to go into detail and elaborate what happened yesterday on here, because I don't think I'll forget, and even if I do, he'll remember. Lol. 

Hmm, siguro if anything, I wish I didn't feel awkward in front of the camera. I understand he takes photos. But I always feel awkward getting my pics taken unless it's a groufie ba or something with friends o ano. I just feel awkward sorry hope he wasn't offended

 Hindi ko alam anong masasabi ko. 

Twitter hates me 🥹 it won't let me backread our conversations. Di ko rin matantya kasi minsan nakakalayo ako sa chat pero iba-iba kung saang part ako biglang ibabalik sa most recent message. Gusto ko lang namang mag-review para siguraduhing walang info na nakalagpas sa akin.

If I were to share these to somebody else, I'm dead certain they'd say I'm in deep, and I'm not, totoo! Like, okay. Tinatantya ko na yung travel time niya, di ko rin alam bakit eh magkausap naman kami the whole time during. Siguro para maging mas familiar ako in the same way I know he should be awake at 3am. I already know what you think and I don't agree. 

I'm considering na mag-reactivate ng Facebook or Messenger tho, ayan. Whether that's a good or bad sign, you tell me. TANGINA KASI ANG HIRAP MAGBACKREAD NAKAKAINIS. 

Wala lang. Skl. I'm weirded out too don't worry. Or maybe I'm trying to figure these out kasi I'm trying to integrate the person in my routine ok that's weird haha baka in denial ako pero u know what, no.

Ok sure na ako I'm not ~in deep~ (or at least not right now, maybe just not yet) kasi okay pa ako, accepting pa ako. Wala pang sakit factor unless siguro duru-duruin niya pagkatao ko yun na lang. Otherwise, it's all okay so far. 

Alam mo, if this doesn't work out for me, then either it's not really for me or I'm still in a slump I need to get out of. The reasoning for the former is that I have nothing else to share but the mundanity in my life, and if that's not enough, then nothing will ever be. If this pace doesn't work, and this is actually how I like it, then maybe I want the impossible, and that's okay. I'll just let pass all those moments of weakness that are to come.

My current favorite, I'm not heartbroken though, okay?

This too.

And this might be what falling in love sounds like. Ang whimsical lang.

Right now, I'm not overthinking as bad as yesterday, so that's progress.

We're meeting tomorrow. Bahala na. 

Ang calming ng Night Shift ni Lucy Dacus. Phoebe Bridges caught my attention first, but I think si Lucy Dacus ang makakasungkit ng puso ko. 

I know I rant a lot, but I think I'm actually happy, after all? I'm not saying this just because of this recent development in one aspect of my life. Siguro, if anything, it reminded me that life is okay, so that's nice. :)

Work just got me in a slump, but I'm slowly bouncing back. I can only hope for everyone's patience with me. 

 Nyellow.

Small stuff I find amusing:

- I'd usually just check horoscopes for cardinal & fixed signs (for myself cap & sco dominant only) pero pati mutable tinitignan ko na rin wahhahaha nge

- pakiramdam ko pa rin nasa hayskul ako minsan

- mas maaga na akong bumabangon

- mas functional na ako sa work

In all my overthinking, alam mo bang mas nagwater down na ako sa lagay na yan? Kasi if it were the old me, I'd be wondering why or if the other person is bored with me or not. Either I don't care na or he doesn't make me feel like he's bored of me.

Alam mo, dati parang gusto kong itanong lahat agad-agad. Di ko rin alam bakit ganyan, it's not like mare-retain ko rin lahat ng info. Pero ngayon mas chill pa ako wahahhahah like even if it doesn't seem like it, that's the truth hahaha

Baka mamayang umaga mag-overthink ulit ako. Nahahalata ko na pattern ko lol, but I'll get over it eventually. 

It seems like time is always a day late. 

 But the positive outweighs all these. If at some point I feel that I'm not really ready, I'll speak up. I should I owe it to them. And maybe that's whats needed para ma gauge ko na talaga if I'm a better person. 

 Song

Thoughts have been thunk. Alam mo natatakot lang ako kasi I don't have the best track record, aware naman ako. Ready na ba talaga akong sumabak sa ganito? Ayokong makasakit, walang may deserve nun. I've made a lot of mistakes seryoso.

This person seems decent and I've been in a better mood recently, I don't even feel so crappy about work earlier nga eh. It's nice how it doesn't feel like kailangan kong maghabol ng oras for a person, like in sync lang oras namin. Okay na rin. Hindi ako kating-kati kausapin yung tao. I mean, do I want to say more than what my fingers would allow me to type? Of course! Pero I feel like it can wait until we see each other this weekend. For context, I'm meeting that same person from a prev entry who asked me out. 

Obviously I've been overthinking. I'm not scared for myself kasi immune na ako but I don't wanna ruin anyone's life lang talaga. 

Alam mo, it may be my first time being asked out by someone I've never flirted with. I mean, oo, I've tried dating apps, but obviously andun naman talaga yung intent to date. I've had exes, sure, pero I gave them hints naman that I was into them. Pero this is a first na random lang. And I find the person interesting din! Di ko lang talaga naisip or akalaing may ganitong keme pala. THE WORST PART IS THE PERSON KNOWS MY TWITTER BEFORE HE ASKED ME SO ????????? WALA KA NANG KAWALA TE WALA KA NANG MAILILIHIM WAHAHA WAHUHU idk how to feel about that. Can't say I'm complaining though. The positive outweighs that.

Tsaka maybe it's better for someone to know about everything para no more walls, baka sakaling di ako ganon ka-distant or cold. Hopefully. Idk.

Di ko rin sure, like, kaya ko na ba talaga? Alam ko namang di ko kailangang maging fully made na tao before I can engage sa ganito, pero talaga ba? Wala akong personality, tina-try ko pa ring mag-ayos. Heck, di pa nga ako graduate eh lmaoooooo kailan kaya ako sisipagin mag-enrol. 

Pag tinanong ako kung anong hobbies ko, anong sasabihin ko? Doom scrolling? Interesting ba yon. I don't read hahahaha i get distracted easily when I watch a movie. I can't sit thru a series. I haven't watched any kdrama even. Hindi hobby ang pagiging miserable at kawalan ng direksyon sa buhay lol

Gulat lang ako din sa taong 'to kasi parang ang colorful ng buhay niya, parang ang well-rounded niya as a person ako bilugan lang physically lol ok fine I know I sound insecure. I'm not denying that I am. Sa ilang taon mong pagbasa dito, I'm sure you've gathered as much.

Feeling ko lang ang bland ko as a person. Siguro, I'm anxious (?) kasi the person wants to get to know me, expecting to find all these colors, maybe just as many as those I see in them, only to find I'm just a dull shade of whatever color I am. Idk idk idk haaaha

Nahihiya ako. Did I build myself up too much? 

Baka nasobrahan ako sa ere. I've been overcompensating lang kasi ang lala ng pagiging insecure ko dati, seryoso. Like siguro lahat ng di maganda sa buhay ko, mahahanapan ko ng dahilan para isisi sa sarili ko kahit na di ko naman kontrolado why it went wrong.

Alam mo yung affirmation? Ganon lang ginagawa ko. Baka naloko ko sila? Idkk.

Ang weird ~kiligin~ ulit. Labag sa loob kong aminin yan but there. Ang weird lang, parang hayskul. Aware akong this stuff is for everyone, hindi PG, hindi PG-13, SPG whatever pero ang foreign. Also the guy is a Gemini WAHAHAHAHHAHA pero hey Ive only been into astrology for kicks. And sometimes for validation bc it makes me feel understood. And I feel validated on all the rough stuff I've gone thru.

I know there's no way of knowing if I'm a better person in this regard other than taking the plunge, pero nakakatakot lang talaga. Di naman guinea pig yung tao na parang pag-e-experiment-an ko lang to see if I'm better. Alam kong even if I were a better person, I won't get it right 100% of the time, pero some mistakes are tolerable and some aren't. I don't want to make any mistakes that would scar a person. I really wanna be good and do good, pero tama ba 'to? He just asked if I was attached to anyone or anything, and as far as I'm aware, even right up till now, I'm not. I'm too detached na ni di ko kayang mag-hold onto hope, make plans, and work towards them. Did that make sense. It sounded better in my head.

The real question is, am I ready?

Alam ko kahit sa parenting you're never really ready, pero even so, you wouldn't want to raise a child knowing you have anger management problems di ba? In the same vein... Di ko alam paano iword. Ready na ba ako? I don't trust myself enough........... 

Grabe pag naglalatag ako ng solution para sa sarili ko my mind runs a mile and then some, coming up with more things to worry about wahahahhaha

A friend told me to tell this person about my worries kasi baka naman daw the person  wants to date and stuff AND THATS POSSIBLE?? BUT WHY would I share all these? AND THIS EARLY??? It's only been 3 days. WHAT IF WE AGREE PALA SA SATURDAY NA WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS EH DI THATS ENERGY WASTED FOR HIM PA AND INEXPOSE KO PA SARILI KO UNNECESSARILY WAHAHAHAHAHA alam kong I need to calm down and I'm ok sometimes. Ngayon hindi ulit.

Pero naisip ko tama yung boss ko narelate ko yung sinabi niya abt work dito sa buhay ko wahahha sabi niya I can't assume someone's decisions for them, I shd leave the decision to the people who call the shots. In this case, the the guy haha I was taking it so seriously kasi kasi sabi niya if we go out on Saturday it'll be his first date (ever!!!???? Di ba!!!! Ayan pa nakadagdag sa worry ko tho di naman siya mukhang lame at kulang sa social interaction or exposure sa babae wala namang incel vibe tbh if anything I vibe with the person kaya nga I follow him on twt even when he never rly followed me back immediately dati KAYA NGA NAGUGULAT AKONG HE KNOWS ME LIKE HUHHHHHHHHHH????????????)

KAlat na utak ko as always

Commercial break: si Bebu nag iinarte na naman not sure if she just threw up tocino from yesterday or if it was blood SHUTANG ASO TO :( IDK WHAT SHE WANTS I DO BUT ANG GASTOS BILHAN SIYA TABLE FOOD LAGI HA mas mura dog food pero ang arte grrrrr

I was supposed to visit AJ today pero parang nilamog utak ko pagkatapos ng shift ko.

Ok back to u overthinking Athena

Nagwoworry din ako onti like oks lang ba na I babble a lot about work eh the person can't relate naman talaga hahahaha I RLY DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY 🥹 DI BA PWEDENG MAGKAPITBAHAY NA LANG KAMI AND CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TAPOS SLOW BURN ROMANCE N LANG TE WALA AKONG HOBBIES SORRY NA LANG TALAGA

Tatapusin ko sana Cure ni Kurosawa kahapon kaso nagloko yung subs also di ko pwede sabihing hobby ko manood ng movie or baka pwede pero do I have the brains para mag analyze ng movie? Intindihin ang symbolisms? Wahahahhahaha willing ako makinig at mag absorb at maamaze pero yun na yun naantok na ako gnite sana makatulog ako bye

Addendum idk if uncomfortable or galit yung frenny ko who was staying over dito sa bahay kwarto whatever I'm tired sana hindi 

 Bitch someone asked me out 

 Ugly dream. Dreamt I lived in a house and with a family. It didn't feel like it was either of my parent's families/relatives. We were accused of being part of the NPA. A family friend was visiting, the mom caught wind of the news that the military was going to our house and wanted to leave, but her son, my friend, insisted on staying. And as we walked back home, just as we got past the door, with our backs turned against the street, my friend got shot. He walked a few steps more until he couldn't and we realized what had just occurred. I then woke up.

This was very different from yesterday's dream where Jhoanna and I flew to our client's office and worked in person with the onshore team and I saw the person whom i admire from there hahaha 

I have my place to myself for this weekend. Not so bad. 

sana when i die i get a chance to hear what the people who love me would say about me then. i don't care abt the ones who don't like me, i know im an acquired taste, but i know my crowd is out there somewhere. 

 TIL i can take the harshest words to ever exist but I rly dont like raised voices during arguments or when speaker is upset lost it at work I cried felt like crap while I played in this game at the office

R u ready

 la te night truths (bc I follow another country's time zone)

tbh Ive only been keeping to myself now (i know it doesn't seem like it but old me was worse) I've only been keeping to myself bc I guess im afraid that if I put myself out there I'd only find out no one rly cares. Like by putting myself out there I mean the simplest of things like sharing where I live and friend actually surprise u at home, sharing some personal deets and ppl actually caring enough to go out of their way and make it painfully obvious u r loved idk what I'm saying bye. I guess my way of coping is closing any opportunity to accept the goodness from most people (save for the ones I can tolerate at the moment) bc it's easier knowing that im not getting that much affection BC I chose not to. Bc Ive closed off any chances for anyone to even try and that I'll have to make do with whatever love I can afford for myself at the moment. Easier than leaving it open and letting it flow only to find that there isn't anything. You open your doors expecting an ocean to rush thru only to peek and find that the most there is for u is a puddle of water wahahahha random did that make sense if it didn't then it is what it is I'm supposed to be sleeping. As a result I still find it hard to accept love and I still find it hard to believe that people actually think nicely of me etc etc

I'm tired not sure if I wanna crie wanna die wanna get hit by a bus maybe I'll take more than my usual dose of melatonin maybe I'll finish the whole bottle

WHO CARES JK to the ppl. Who do I'm joking I won't do that hehe I'm tired tis all bye

Or is it farewell I feel like talking to myself right now I'm tired I need to let it all out give me this

I've been noticing I'm being loud again idk how to hold back I wish I could. I'm being too loud w jhoanna she's someone from work. Like I'm showing so much of my personality again

Broken brain

R u ok??? NO IM NOT there's nothing anyone can do I just need to make sense of things and of life and of myself and of how to go about shit

R U SAD? I cant even decide if I am maybe I am but do I have the luxury to sit down and process??? NO I ONLY HAVE RIGHT NOW CANT CRY ALONE CAN ONLY PANIC AT WORK WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELING SO MANIC AND WEIRD AND GAHHHHHB BRAIN PLs

Ma ybe I wanna finish the whole bottle who knows right Im so fucking tired I just wanna pass out 

Song

Hope ur ok

What's it like to plan a future with someone you want to spend the rest of ur life with? I know I've said some stuff here and there with exes, but I don't think I really meant them. A huge part of why I didn't mean them was bc I rly wasn't looking forward to the future. The idea sounds foreign. Like I don't rly expect to live. I could do without it.

But a friend shared how she's been making plans with her significant other and I'm genuinely curious what's it like to actually make concrete plans and mean them and start doing things to make it happen.

I'm not saying I need a partner so I can plan my future haha I'm just curious. I'm also feeling calmer now btw

I still have nothing for the future jsyk wahahaha no plans nothing concrete just going by the motions, have some goals here and there but no pressure to see them through. Whatever goes, don't mind if I still die any day now hahaha that's how I feel abt it

I wnt kill myself but eh hahahah idc 

The thought alone of striving to make things happen already sounds tiring to me wahaha

And draining and exhausting 

Idk

Im turning 25. 

There's a difference between dropping bits and pieces of info like where it's easier to get married or responding "lol what am i gonna do with this info"

& 

actually doing the dirty work. Saying stuff putting words out there and doing something about it

At my age I think I should be doing more of the latter

If it were me ha. If I were to find myself emotionally mentally financially capable enough to be in a relationship, at this age, I think I should do less of the former.

I think it's gross bc what are we doing, playhouse lol or idk bye just saying random stuff bye 

Naol brave mag assume where they'll be in the future. I don't want the disappointment anymore. 

 Today I learned (courtesy of my dog) that there are only two genders in the world—the humper and the humpee.

Mainstream but song!

And don't get it wrong lol just bc I'm here less doesn't mean it's any better. If anything I feel worse lolol but the weekend was ok I bought myself a lot of food. My package from Watsons also arrived. Today Bebu started eating her food again fucking finally di ba!

I still feel useless at work I don't see the point in what I do. Joke I SEE THE POINT I SEE THE VALUE I KNOW THE IMPORTANCE LIKE A GRADES SCHOOLER but do I feel any sense of accomplishment? No lol I feel like the weakest link and I'm always on the lookout if I'd still have a job the week after bc I don't feel like I'm being productive hahahahha I love the people I really appreciate my boss but I think I'm failing her. And it's not like I'm not giving my best everyday. I am. But it doesn't feel enough. I don't think I'm doing enough. 

I miss the times when I was productive and I knew it and I was so sure that I was and nobody could question it. I could defend myself to anyone and I knew what I was doing bc I was sure of the value and the quality of work I put out. Now I feel like crap wahahhahahaha I also didn't enrol or go to school like I was supposed to on Monday. I messaged the person I was going w on Sunday and never heard back. Decided to sleep at 9am Monday since the appt was supposed to be for 11am and I know I could've just gone alone but I couldn't bring myself to do it so I didn't mind the company. Anyway they messaged me at 10am lol so yeah I dont like that lol

 Anw next time I set an appointment I'm goin with or without this person

Call me a sad girl for all I care but I have nothing to live for anw today was productive I dropped off my laundry changed my sheets gave my dog a bath gnite 

 I'm still fine w the idea of getting run over by a truck but I'd prefer a painless death please thanks

Why is finding true love so hard haha I'm not looking for it but like why doesn't it happen for me I'm kidding I know why I don't deserve it I mean the person I am right now  would most likely just fuck up even the best person for me so yeah it's ok I don't think I can handle anything else aside from my dog so that's ok

Love means letting someone in my life and making them part of my routine I don't rly want that esp since I'm lazy HAHAHAH i mean what routine am I even talking abt for starters lmao and my I'm rly insecure abt my family background and I'm also still insecure abt myself wahahahha and no external reassurance can fix this so if u know me in real life don't bother. In case u care. I already appreciate the thought. But save ur breath. I hope I feel better. I hope I feel better about myself too.

La lang hirap lang kalaban sarili wahaha

I love my bed and browsing my phone so much I wonder if I'd ever find a reason again to do something aside from sleeping the entire weekend away bahaha. Can't believe I used to have a social life

How did my social battery go this low

Sometimes I wonder if it's right to isolate myself this much but to be fair even if I didn't do this i don't rly have a lot of available frjends so it's better to do nothing than anticipate brain rot brain fart brain fart I'm just saying randlm stuff not sure if any of theseare still making sense my eyes are swollen 

U know sometimes I think I might have ADHD wahahaha but ofc we don't self diagnose in this house I'm so thirsty

For someone who fucks up so often on a lot of things I REALIZED I MAY HAVE PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES LOL THATS WHY ID RATHER NOT TRY AND THEN FAIL THAN GIVE IT MY ALL AND STILL FAIL WAHAHAHA

 

Lies. I don't want to hang out with anyone right now tbh lol anyway... Cute ko lately

Song

I just want to give up.

I want to change my sheets give my dog a bath drop off my clothes at the laundry shop but I don't even want to exist anymore. Work was awful today. 

Song?
 

Song. 

 I feel dead :)

 I may have just had a Eureka moment after watching a movie analysis on Whiplash lol so maybe my tendency to get drawn towards intimidating people and to find their soft spot is not me looking for a challenge but me wanting the approval of a familiar figure, since a lot of my relationships (family) have been like that—founded on abuse hahahahha I turn to a person im rly scared of/intimidated by, sort of place them on a pedestal and try to gain their approval HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK

Not sure if that made sense. Hope it did. Funny lang. Hahahahahahah I can't believe it hahahahahha

How do I get over this hahahahahhaha

Anw don't get me wrong I can still discern between the right and wrong amount of pressure and stress so there ahha but