But I care for this person so much that I want to feel like I would have to otherwise explode before I name it as what I would've already by now if it were a few years back. I want to reach the point of no return first, because maybe I don't want to go back anymore. I think this is where I want to be. I don't know where this even leads, but I'm finally okay with not knowing. And while this story has for sure been told in some other side of the world, I don't feel like I'm living in a simulation or following a formula. I don't feel the need to play God and guess what happens next. I see the possibilities, but I'm content with just letting things unfold and happen as they do. He makes it easier to believe in the good and stop my habit of starting unproductive self-fulfilling prophecies. Maybe even turn it to a positive loop or something.
He makes want to hope again.
I want it to be as real and as sure as possible. I want to be the surest I can be. And I'm still not there yet, but I feel it won't be a long hike. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did. I want to be the best I can be if I push for this.
And I think long hikes would stop to exist with
him. I feel like at some point in time, no extreme will ever be enough, or feel like the last, and so we'll go on till life permits.
I like that I'm alone with my thoughts tonight. I'm crying to this song right now. Haven't cried this much and feel this achingly for a long time.
I'm okay.
Just realized this difference between how I'd wait to reach my breaking point before cutting people loose and how I'm waiting to reach my breaking point before I begin this.
I hope that's good. It feels okay.