I think I'm not yet ready. I'm not sure if I'm only saying this bc it's been a bad day, but I feel so hollow. I don't believe I have enough of myself to share with somebody else.

I don't think I'm enough yet. I don't know if I've just gotten used to the solitude and it's turned to a safe space. I don't know if I'm just scared of putting myself through the same things that broke me. Ayoko lang talagang magkamali ulit. Or makasakit. Especially when it could be prevented. 

This may be stemming from the helplessness I feel towards that person. The most I can do is listen. I do care, but it's not all the time that the care we have for people comes across or translates to actions that make them feel better. And I know better than to wish for something futile. And lazy and complacent. 

I asked some people I like from work to drink later at 10AM, pero parang nagsisisi ako. Parang gusto kong uminom at mag-isang magmunimuni. 

Here's my safe spot when I don't feel like eating at work or when I don't want to see anyone's face:

I'm half-worried I might get shot here, what with the news of the recent killing of a critic of the previous admin. And in one of the (supposedly) safest places here in my part of the world. But half of me also gives zero fucks.

I have nothing to lose. I have nothing going for me. Or anything to hold on to here. Still won't mind dying.

I just don't have any burial plans yet. That's my biggest concern for when I die. Otherwise, I'd have been gone a long time ago. 

I'm tired. Like I said before, I'm only okay on some days because I just let the days pass. I don't think about the future. I don't think about wanting. I don't think of wanting better for myself.

But even that's become tiring too.

I'll get through the day like I always do. Will I feel better though? I'm not sure either. I can only hope.