I hope I start sleeping on my bed again next year. It was nice seeing you again. I hope everything falls into their rightful places. I didn't really need this validation but it was nice being told "Alam mo buti ikaw hindi ka social climber" it was also nice being told I'm good at my job.

Funny how 2021 passed by like a wink of an eye, but the three months you weren't around felt longer than the entire year. 

I wonder how many of these people are going home to nobody like me. Ang tagal kong di bumalik dito kasi di ko alam anong sasabihin. I feel sad. Pero wala rin akong energy na ilagay dito. Ayun lang. Merry Christmas sa'yo. 

 I've been a little productive today. Cleaned my ref and folded my clothes. 

It looked like this earlier:

I'm so happy because I've had so much time for myself over the weekend. Nakabawi ako ng tulog and nabawasan din breakout ko sa mukha hehehe. I don't think I'll get to paint my wall before the new year. Lol.

I got my workmate her cat litter but I don't know how to gift wrap it. Yun yung package diyan sa taas na pic. Ang laki kasi. Lol. It's also so difficult to find a purple outfit. 

I don't know what to feel. I've been wanting to get my alone time since last week, which I couldn't do because so many things happened. I'm not mad at my friends, not at all, it's just that it's so exhausting. That conversation above annoyed me kasi fine, I might scroll endlessly on my phone till I fall asleep but lying down on my bed doing that is more comfy than walking around the mall, making conversation and forcing myself to interact when I haven't had a wink of sleep since I got off work. I'm not even hungry. 

Anyway, I got my hair done. Look:

True. I'll sleep na muna. Gnite

 Honestly, right now, I feel so languid and I wish time would at least pause or maybe, possibly stop--and my life along with it. Obviously, there are some things you just don't get in life, this being one of those. I don't know if this is just a side effect of this drink I recently tried or maybe it's the sleep deprivation. It sucks that I'm now seated with this officemate I sometimes consider my office crush, though most of the time, he's really nothing but a stranger. I don't really care much about him. At least not as much as I care about you. I miss you. Typing about you makes me tear up. Lol. 

Good news, I reunited with Ate Wheng earlier today. We went to MOA, and that's why I only got 2 hrs of sleep, but hey, the things you do for friendship, right?

There's been this trend going around lately about how not sharing this sticker on Instagram or Facebook implies one supports (?) rape? And honestly, I know I'm truly, truly against rape but the idea of participating in such irks me. Lol. I talked about it with a friend and she said that it seems performative, and while I agree that it appears that way, I cannot help but remember what someone told me about how intent is innate so we're really none the wiser when it comes what these people's intentions are. 

I honestly just want the day to be over. 

We're also going to have a Christmas party next week at work, and I'm FUCKING stressed, as in I cannot express how much it fucking stresses me out just to think of what to put on my wishlist. I don't really like asking stuff from people I'm not really close with. Asking for favors for things I really need is no problem, but this is just excess. I don't really have anything I want someone else to buy for me. Or at least, it's not something you can buy on Shopee or Lazada lol. 

I feel so floaty and weird. I just want to curl up on my bed and cry. 

I think it's Ryan's birthday. Happy birthday. 

 

I got me a new tattoo! :) 

Nakita ko lang convo namin ng ex ko. Normal lang naman mamiss siya di ba? Di naman ibig sabihin nun di pa ako nakaka-move on? Nakakamiss lang naman talaga magkaroon ng someone, nakakamiss yung good times di ba?

I realized my ex was right. While I don't feel any more confident than I did before, it's sad nga na ang baba ng tingin ko nga sa ibang tao because I don't trust their judgment when they say good things about me. I find it hard to believe. Nasanay akong palpak ako bilang tao. Sorry it took me this long to come around, but I get you now, Russel.

I hope I find a higher paying job. I love the people at work, really. I have high regards for them, pero it won't pay the bills. I hope I can resign soon. 

 Weird that the last blog entry had 4 views. Anyway, thanks for being there. It feels weird that I'm currently gushing over Irish creme breve (it tastes good!), but really, I feel like crap. It's not like I'm deliberately thinking I feel like crap because I'm scared of feeling nice. Or maybe I am. Joke, I'm not. I just want to curl up on the bed and sleep. And maybe cry. I cannot even have alcohol. I wish I got sick. I also received my second dose today! Yay. I felt productive. And still crappy. I feel so drowsy. I just want to sleep the rest of the year away. I feel sad. There's supposed to be a Christmas thing for work, and while I'd appreciate being part of the gift exchange, I really don't want to plan anything with my peers. Nothing against them, it's just me. I really feel like shit during the holidays. Idk why. It's always been difficult this time of year. I wish I didn't feel like crying right now. 

I feel like something's wrong with me. I rave about coffee but I also feel so low. It doesn't feel right. But it is what it is. I just wish to feel better soon. I mean, I don't go on AWOL now at least. Small wins, I guess. 

My boss said I need to reactivate my Messenger so we can plan for the party. I don't have the energy... I just want to be left alone and sulk in a corner. But at the same time it would feel nice to be included in something, be a part of something. Pero ewan. I'm just rambling. I should be working right now. I want to take a nap. I had 7 hrs of sleep. But I still want to take a nap. I put on lipstick today tp try to feel good about myself but I still don't. It's like opening all my office files instantly makes me want to go home and sleep. 

I hope I get hired at NICE. Please. :( I can now go to the cinemas. But should I. Mas makakatipid din naman ako magstream na lang online. Di ko naman ikamamatay. 

I'd like to wish for one sweet plot twist before the year ends, but I've known the cosmos enough to push the thought away. Because there are no plot twists that spring out of nowhere to nudge me to the good place. I live a life somewhere between lucky and unlucky. There isn't anything going on or anything good to look forward to. Umay. I wish I get hired sa NICE. While I really like what I'm doing right now, I need higher pay. I'll be good. 

Or at least I wish I was brave enough to end my life so I stop thinking. Lol. It would feel good to hurt myself i think . Alam mo iniimagine ko na lang na sinasaktan ko sarili ko kasi feeling ko yun yung deserve ko. I feel like utter crap. I dont even know why. Im not in such a bad place honestly so i dont understand why I'd feel like this but here we are. I dont want to talk about this anymore with other people kasi wala naman tayong magagawa ganito na lang to 

Man, everyone really leaves huh. 

Time to breakdown again hehe

Can I just add:

My workmates have sent me this before they left. I'll keep it here. Thanks for the kind words despite myself.

Scented candles make me feel so nice. I'm using one that's watermelon scented and another that's vanilla orange. You should try it too if you haven't yet 

I didn't get to buy a brush kasi I woke up at 2am. I've been talking (barely) to this guy from Tinder. He's pretty decent but I don't think this is it.

 Ever get the feeling where u wanna delete yourself? Yeah.

Some random pictures that won't see the light of the day:

Not gonna lie, the urge to overdose is a little too strong right now.

In other news, I couldn't get on my laptop for months because the number 1 on the keyboard wouldn't work and it's part of my password so I put off opening it despite having already bought a mechanical keyboard. I'm glad I took care of it now because lookie: 

Also, scented candles count as self-care don't they?

I still sleep on the floor. It was cloudy today so I didn't take out the beddings. I think I start to get more productive when I'm on my period or when I'm about to be on my period. Anyway. I'll take a nap and then buy a brush, try to resume painting the wall.

 Hey. Progress report. I mopped the floor and cleaned my fan. I didn't clean thoroughly but I plan to do that this weekend. I will have to buy new pillows tho and take out my bed para mabilad ko sa araw. Hmm.

I also am using my scented candles.

I still sleep on the floor.

Also: 

Told a friend that I don't really think I clicked with her friends whom I met one time. Maybe I really am weird. Hope this friend isn't mad. Hm. How are you? I have more stuff to say. 

 A friend shared the view from her room tapos puro puno, and it made me miss my supposed home. I miss the quietness in living among trees, where my walls are painted white and I could drown in white noise, shut myself out from the world

My 13th money pay just came in, but I still feel a little extra sad today, baby. Money is a necessity, but it isn't everything. 

I came across this old thing I sent for an assignment. There are a couple of disconnected thoughts I had to squeeze in because they were required lol sorry but I think this has its moments. I wish to write again. I miss my dog. My boobs looks nice today. My period is delayed.

I feel a little extra sad today, darling. My tears roll down over the news about EJ Obiena having to clear his name. I cry over an old man from Pampanga finally being able to build his dream house, despite housing being a necessity. The future only proves to be bleaker day by day. 

Normal lang naman maging crush si EJ Obiena, di ba hahaha.

Ryan is right. The longer I put off quitting, the harder it becomes. 

The short memory of when I was interviewed by our general manager crossed my mind. I was asked what I would do about road widening. I don't really remember what I exactly said, but I know I fumbled with my words because I don't think that calls for a single solution. It calls for a major overhaul of our current policy. It's going to call for a string of solutions until it is ensured that everyone is happy or in a better place, at least. We can manage the number of cars to help lessen traffic since that is the main issue, after all. Improve our public transportation system to encourage people to use it more often (this I didn't mention back then), look for possible relocation areas if the situation really warrants for a road widening.

It's not an instant solution. Idk where I'm going with this. The world just has so many problems that I'm trying to solve one in my mind hoping it makes me feel better. I'm tired of thinking about mine. 

I always don't wear pants when I'm home that when I do leave my room to buy stuff I check sometimes if I didn't forget to wear shorts

Good morning or good evening wherever you are.

I went through the list of active people on Facebook and there really is no one else I'd want to share this but you and Tin. And Ryan. But you're my best bet.

Anyway, this is different from what I mentioned last time. I don't think I'll ever be ready to share that, and do you know what I like about you? You won't talk back or push me to spill the beans. 

Here's what I really want to share: I just interviewed for a content writing post! The pay isn't significantly higher than my current salary, but this could be my first step to branching out, right? The only catch is this isn't a WFH set-up and their office is based in Ortigas. 

The amusing part is that I applied for a sales rep job, but it was the interviewer who offered and asked if I want to give the writing post a shot.

I know my skills are pretty rusty. This online diary is the closest I have to writing, but you've known me long enough to know this is something. It's the trying that counts, right? Anyway, I'm just going to try the essay thingy and turn in something later tonight. If I qualify, then I might look for other content writing posts. Who knows. I don't know. 

So nasira yung Canon ko na camera pero bumili ako ng Minolta hehe maganda rin naman yung binili ko. Hehe. Ang saya sana kaso wala naman akong makabuluhang ma-picture-an kasi di naman ako lumalabas except pag magtatrabaho so ayun. Anyway. Bumili na rin ako bago film rolls para sa 110ed ko hehe at bumili din ako ng reusable na camera na parang toy camera lang ahhaha dami kong pinamili kala mo naman ang yaman ko hahaha 

sana mayaman ako o may kaya man lang para mapaprint ko na rolls ko

 I've been thinking of you actually. Crazy things have happened over the last few days, but I wasn't sure if I should say. Hahaha. I don't think I'm ready yet. Anyway, I got tipsy and lost my wallet and all my IDs hehe and my vaccination card too

I still sleep on the floor

 I've done nothing but sleep on my birthday, if you're wondering. Good morning, by the way.

I'm still a mess. I thought I could make use of my 4-day rest to clean up and organize my room but no. I don't feel like doing anything. I still sleep on the floor. I'm still in this rut. Lol.

 I still get no more than 5 hours of sleep in a day and set my alarm two hours before I clock in, but get up an hour before work starts. I still waste my first hour in the office. I still drink too much coffee. I still eat a lot. I still don't exercise. I still feel like crap.

I hope you're in better shape. Make me your cautionary tale.

Oh, I went out on my birthday with a random stranger from Tinder. I never got intimate with him though. I couldn't. Tried looking for a hookup on Reddit; couldn't push through with it. I chickened out. 

At least, I know that I won't. I think I'll be this way for a long time.

Here's the sunset from MOA last Saturday

I've been putting away my clothes one small pile at a time. I hope I finish everything soon. 

 What do you do when you actually dream of a song and you thought it existed but it doesn't and you think the song is good (I personally would have it on my playlist lol) but you can't play any fucking instrument so you can't create it lol

 kanina masa-sad na sana ako kasi wala ako mama pero nung magpapabarya ako dun sa kabilang tindahan pampamasahe (hindi yung may nagrereto sa akin), pinahiram niya ako matic ng 100 para may pang angkas ako tas bayaran ko na lang daw bukas luh di pala ako ganon kasawi sa buhai

Kung may alam lang akong trabaho na non BPO, umalis na talaga ako dito. Kailangan ko na talagang makapag resign next year. Naiinggit ako kina Ryan at Jea. Sana all happy at nakaalis na. 

I saw the people on my blocked list and thought of checking how they are now through another account when I came across my mom's and aunt's Facebook profiles. Ang laki na nung pinsan ko, yung dating tinu-tutor ko. Tapos yung tita ko, going strong naman sila ng asawa niya. Nakita ko profile ng mama ko tapos nakita ko yung isang public album niya nung nasa Imus siya, tapos ako nasa Batangas, mga bandang high school 'to. Nagte-Tesda siya nun.

Tapos alam mo, ang saya sigurong magka-mama. No amount of dicks from Tinder can compare, I guess. Kahit simpleng paggupit ng buhok ko, na-a-associate ko sa kanya kasi she was–most of the time–against me growing my hair long, and yeah, she's right. I look better with my hair short, plus it's easier to maintain. Kahit sa simpleng haircut, tama pa rin siya. Siguro, sorry kasi dahil sa akin, hindi niya mapunan yung mga bagay na kulang sa kanya kasi may obligasyon siya sa akin. Salamat na lang din kasi ngayon, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon hanapin yung sarili ko nang mas maaga kesa sa kanya. 

Gusto kong isiping baka mas may pag-asa akong maayos yung buhay ko, become someone who's lived to her potential, pero it doesn't feel like it's going to happen. Malapit na birthday ko. Naiisip niya pa ba ako? Iniisip ko pa rin siya. Nakatago pa rin yung birthday card na bigay niya sa akin. Siguro ang laking disappointment ng nararamdaman niya sa akin. Ako rin naman sa sarili ko. Pero alam mo yun, sana kahit katiting lang sa sarili ko, may makita siyang okay. Kasi ako wala akong makitang okay sa sarili ko. Oo, kailangan ko ng validation pero siguro the best kung sa kanya galing. Tangina ang weird. Bakit ang lala ng mommy issue ko no. Magbe-bente-kwatro na ako sa Sabado? Sa Biyernes? Pero ganito pa rin pala nararamdaman ko tungkol dun. Ganito na ba yun hanggang kamatayan? 

I feel a certain warmth when someone calls me Mica. It brings me back to a time when I didn't think this low of myself and when I still had a family, I guess. I don't even know why I'm saying right now that I miss them, when I ran away from home. It's just that I feel so alone. 

Here I am, 6 years from when I first left, doing nothing but dyeing my hair and cutting my bangs. Is this the most I can do?

I always wish I could skip the the last three months of the year. October is for my mother, November is for myself, and December is for the holiday. A birthday is really nothing but a reminder of what I'm still not and where I've fallen short, of everything and everyone that I've lost over the years. 

You know how having a job now just covers up the fact that I can function well really. For a time, I've only been using disposable underwear because I couldn't wash my underwear. I can't wash anything. I skipped dropping my clothes off to the laundry shop. I haven't cleaned my restroom for months. I did just today. I washed my underwear today. I will resume cleaning up tomorrow. Right now, I'll go to sleep.

I haven't slept on my bed for months. 

 I ended up forgetting to resume what I was going to say. Anyway, I had a few bottles of beer outside the office earlier after my rest day OT and impulsively cut my hair and now I look like this

hehe dont i look cute i know i do hehe 

************

me: bakit offline pa si *workmate*?

workmate 2: di ba intermittent yung internet nun? naka-work from home yun eh

me: so anong balak ni *workmate*?

at dito ko napagtantong may attitude pala talaga ako kahit ako nabigla sa bunganga ko sorry sa lahat

************

alam mo ba nahilo ako nung nagsearch ako saglit ng prod asst na jobs? hahaha im so scared ganun ako ka-scared it's manifesting physically ahahhaa

****

Actually I look cute

Alam mo ba, binabasa ko pa lang yung sinasabi ni Ryan about line producing, parang matatae ako nang paulit-ulit? Lol. I recently had someone do a tarot reading for me and here's what they said,

May gusto pa akong sabihin pero tinatamad ako magtype sa cp Maya na

I know I've already said it before, but honestly, I think I'm pretty pragmatic, pero I couldn't help but think that if soulmates were true, it felt like he was mine.

I remember him telling me to avoid listening through my earphones while my phone is charging. Lol. Maybe I could have him remind me again, even though I never really forgot. Pero joke. Like I said, I'm pretty sensible naman. Di ako kumakapit sa wishful thinking.

I didn't even ask for much. But maybe my normal was too much for the world. I'm sorry. 

Also, dark joke I guess and totally unrelated to the text above but I can't even kill myself because my room is a mess haha things need to be a little neat when I do that but I don't have the energy to clean up yet lol

I feel like a hollow shell right now.

I've been telling my peers to not be too hard on themselves, to take it easy because the pandemic has caused a huge pause in our lives. But my life has been on hold for so long already. I don't know what to make of myself anymore.

I still don't think I'm headed anywhere. I don't want to see that happen. And I'm tired of making sure it doesn't. Have I taken the steps to do just that? No. Can I even carry the emotional weight of getting through the year? I'm not sure. The most I can bear is one day at a time. 

I hate being told there isn't anything to talk about with me. I hate that I've turned out this way. I hate how I can only react. Lol. Tired of typing good night see u sorry for dumping God bless if you believe in one

Edit: hi I feel better now. Tomorrow ulit yes? Lol

 Earlier in the jeepney, while I was on my home, I thought of just giving in to singlehood. Like, okay, I'll take one for the team. That's where it seems I'm being pushed to anyway. In all aspects, I don't really have go-to people--be it with mere friendships. I only have shallow relationships. I can live alone. That's what I've been doing, isn't it. But it seems like circumstances are pushing me to living in isolation. Lol. Well, so be it. I'm tired. I've been thinking that it seems I'm nothing but just another hole to shove some guy's meat in and that I'm really not good for anything but shallow things and that I'm nothing worth more than a stopover before the actual good thing. 

Alright then. You win. I hope you're happy. You better be. 

I no longer see whatever silver lining I thought there was in my current job, and the only thing keeping me from leaving is that I don't want to go to yet another call center once after this. I've been wanting to look up the job that Ryan suggested, but I don't even remember what it's called exactly, and I don't think I can open our chatbox and scroll through our messages. I can't. How I feel about our chatbox is the same as how I feel about Tinder. Or birthdays and holidays. It gives me nothing but dread. I can't afford to backtrack on it. Not yet, at least. The mere thought of it hurts, okay? Lol. 

But right now, I feel numb. And tired. Mostly, numb. 

I'm in the office right now, and this new trainee is doing a rollcall of everyone's order for Jollibee. I don't even feel like eating. 

I don't feel like working, but I'm not even sleepy. Tonight feels like a fever dream. All my years don't seem real. 

I hope I hear from you, but I'm sure I won't. How are you anyway? What are your thoughts on Care Bears and chicken wings? I love chicken wings. Do you?

The moon looks bigger without my glasses.

 I think I need a clear visual or an infographic, if you will, about Ingmar Bergman's lovelife. Like nakakalito. Hahaha 

 Someone from the office asked me to hang out with them but I refused them. This other friend kept asking me about Ryan because she had nothing else to talk to me about. I don't blame her. Ganun na nga ata ako kawalang personality. I bailed on them and changed my mind at the last minute. She said it herself—there isn't anything we can talk about. Why would I make myself go through such an ordeal lol. It'll be cool to get free eyelash extensions haha (they said they're paying for me) but free stuff like that makes me feel like a charity case, and that there'll be a catch somewhere. It's so random it feels uncomfortable lol. Plus it wasn't really intended for me to begin with. I was just like a second choice lol I don't like that

I feel like refusing everyone and avoid everyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want them to leave me alone tbh. Or more like I wish I could be alone. 

 I can't believe I'm still talking about you; I'm the last of your old things.

Misquoted for my benefit. Lol. It sucks being alone.

I think my mental state right now is a mess. My room is always its best depiction and right now, it's messy. Lol. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't know what to do. There isn't anywhere to go. There isn't anything to do. Do I still have friends? Maybe. I don't think I can reach out to any of them. 

Why am I this alone.

I don't feel okay. I feel like shit. What is the end game? I wish I had something to live for.

When people say they want to die, I wonder if they need to be consoled or if they really want to?

I imagined myself walking in the middle of a super highway, waiting for a truck to hit me, with a note in my pocket asking whoever finds my body to just dump it somewhere and to not hold the driver liable. 

Maybe I should read. 

It'll be my birthday in a week or two, and it'll be a reminder of how no one really remembers me and how alone I am. Lol. This is why I constantly deactivated because I can pretend people just don't have any way to reach me instead of accepting that no one remembers. No one talks to me. I talk to them. I go to them. No one really wants me. I feel so alone. I reach out to them. Damn. Maybe I should just read. I wish I could be like when I was kid and just hide behind books, but I don't feel like reading anymore.

I'm sorry. Para akong nangkukwenta. I can't expand on my thoughts any further. It'll just show how bad I really am and be taken against me lol

I'll just watch Corpse Bride

 Called it. Barely got any sleep the day of my previous post. 

Had a convo with a workmate, below:

This got me thinking na I only know how to move forward by the day, but I don't really have a big picture to look at, alam mo yun? Like, I know enough to get through the day, but all my days lead to nowhere. I don't know if this makes sense. 

I'm positive I won't be jobless (if I'm not dead yet), but I don't know where to go. I've been thinking about Ryan's recommendation that I look into I-forgot-what-it's-called job, but that would have me nagging at people, and putting things into order, and can I really do that? I'm really a mess and messy. Seriously! This isn't me being a pessimist or something. Lol. 

Now that I think of it, I shouldn't think if a job would or wouldn't suit me because I don't want my person to be defined by what I do to pay the bills. My job is not my identity. So if I'll get paid to organize things, then I guess I'm up for the job. Or at least I should be. I remember what a co-worker said just yesterday about workload being an upskill and not a talent, which means it can be learned. And people say that saying someone is talented discredits the hardwork people put into what they do. 

On the other hand, this line of thinking means everything can be in our hands and in our control, and the way things are going for me, I don't think this is the case. 

Ang party-pooper ko talaga, ano? Lol. Hey, thanks for sticking. 

It's been my thing lately to hang around the front of our office alone. Here's me fresh from the claws of capitalism:

 Ang unfair. Bakit ganito lang ako kadaling iwan. Lol. I've come to terms with the idea that life might not get any better than this, and this might probably sound defeatist, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much again.

I was speaking to a workmate outside the office, we hung out. It was actually supposed to be my me time, but I asked her to come with me since we were just right across the mall and right in the midst of traffic anyway. It would've been awkward to just leave her alone in the jeep. 

While we were eating, she said, "Ano pa kayang pwedeng pag-usapan?" And I realized I'm a hollow shell. Other than that, I don't see anything else I can talk about with anyone at work. I miss Jea. I miss Ryan. There's no one else I can talk to about other stuff but them.

That workmate and I ended up ranting about work from the mall till I got off the jeepney on our way home–it was the only thing we could talk about.

I miss Ryan. He was my favorite person. He was the best. Now, there is no best. That spot's just left blank until he comes back and takes his space again. If he ever does. If he even does. It feels like he's not in my life anymore. 

I'm rationalizing how I feel about things, because it's easier to cope that way. If I don't, it'll all just flow. And now I can't even say I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I know I have strong tendencies to talk too much and talk over people. And I'm trying to overcome that, really. And I'm trying not to be the friend people need to adjust to. Because I can also adjust. But I miss him. 

I hope he comes back. But there's always the possibility he never will. And that's totally fine. And I normally am a pessimist about things. But I'm hopeful on this.

What's sad about people who aren't in your life anymore is when you still have so much to give to them that it overflows, but they're not around to take it from you anymore, so now you're stuck with things you can't even claim anymore as yours because it has their name on it. In blaring red. And it's easy to say I can just give it to myself–self-care as kids say these days–but this isn't for myself. I don't need this. I have enough. It's easy to think that I can give it elsewhere, to someone else, maybe... But would it feel nice giving away secondhand goods to someone who wouldn't really be able to make good use of it? It's not a sincere gift.

 What puzzles me though is if I have this much to give, then why do I feel like an empty shell?

 For someone talkative, I can't find people I can be real with. 

I don't think I'm getting any sleep today.

 I don't know where to get a headstart at work. I feel like I'm headed nowhere again. I'm really trying to be happy for them, really I am. :c I'm so tired. When will this be over. I feel like I'm slaving my life away, and for what? I don't even know what I'm breaking down for. 

 Grabe, 5 days na pala mula nung huli akong nagpost dito. Lol. Gusto kong iboto si Ka Leody. Ikaw ba? Haha. 

 Sa totoo lang, galit na galit ako. Natulog akong galit, pumasok akong galit, iniisip ko na namang mag-SL. Gusto kong magmukmok, magkulong. Ayoko munang makipagsalamuha sa mga tao. Parang ayoko ulit maging okay. Gusto kong maging malungkot. Bakit? Hahaha. Ewan. Pero galit talaga ako. 

Birthday ng mama ko nung 9 haha. Tapos napanaginipan ko papa ko. Grabe ayoko na nung ganung feeling, yung ipagpilitan sa akin yung mga bagay na ayaw kong gawin. Kahit sa panaginip ko naglayas pa rin talaga ako haha tapos paggising ko tinapon ko na yung susi ko sa bahay sa Batangas. Eto na talaga yon. Wala na akong mauuwiang talaga. Siguro for legal purposes, permanent address ko na lang siya ganon

 If we all ultimately want love anyway, then why is everyone fucking around. The drought is real, motherfucker, and although I have re-installed Tinder, I'm really not too keen on the idea of hooking up like that again. Gusto ko ng karat with feelings, please lang. Besides, hookup culture takes a toll on my self-worth and it makes me wonder if I'm only just a hole to stick some guy's meat in. Ayoko na ng ganun talaga.  guy's meat in. 

 Sometimes, iniisip kong ayawan yung mga gusto ko naman talaga para ma-jinx yung pagka-ayaw ko sa kanila, pero di naman talaga yun nangyayari tsaka di ko rin naman maloloko sarili ko. Wala, share ko lang. Napaisip lang ako habang naglalakad. Ang ingay ko nga talaga. Masaya ba talaga ako? 

 I need to lose 10 kilograms before the year ends. I hope you're rooting for me. Lol. Don't leave me here.

I was able to retrieve my Spotify account, but I lost my student discount. Sige na lang. I hope I finish my project:

Please keep on rooting for me. I'm rooting for you too, okay?

 Missed u. Okay rin yung saglit na ganun, pero di ko naman mauuto yung sarili ko. Ayoko na.

Akam mo bang mahal kita. Yikes. Disgusting. But I do. I'm never going to tell hanggang kamatayan anyway. Gusto ko na lang mawala. Maybe when I muster enough courage for it 

 Alam mo bang mahal kita ha. ☹️ Yucks even I find thus corny but it is what it is. Alam na ng buong mundo siguro pero sa'yo ko lang di sasabihin lol 

Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero nanghihina na ako tsaka ayoko nang makadagdag. 

Okay lang naman. Wala namang kwenta lahat. Oo.

Sa totoo lang I kind of want to take it back, pero when I do call back, what is there to say? I don't want to waste anyone's time. Wala naman akong makabuluhang masasabi. Mas mainam pa ngang magmukmok na lang ako.

Ayoko na talaga. Di ba sinabi ko naman, I don't see things ending any other way? This still holds true. Wala namang mangyayari. And it's okay. Some stories end this way. Wala namang tama o mali dito.

Sinusubukan ko pa rin naman, pero di pa rin naman ako nakakalimot.

Basta one day, ganun.

Basta sakaling bumigay nga ako, sana maalala mo ako paminsan-minsan. Na sinubukan ko naman

Sa ngayon di ko pa naman kaya. I mean, I wish I could, pero hindi.

I look shittier.

Is this what growth and aging looks like?

I think I only get uglier by the day.

And I'm scared no guy's ever going to think I'm pretty. And I know I shouldn't want anyone else's validation, but right now, it would be nice to feel wanted.

While I don't miss my ex, it would be nice to have someone I can be intimate with–and I don't [solely] mean sex. I miss being in a relationship. I know I'm not in tiptop shape (yet), but this is how I feel right now.

I know what's right, okay? Pero parang okay ring magkamali paminsan-minsan. Baka kaya pala nagtitiyaga yung iba sa kakapiranggot na atensyong nakukuha nila, kasi minsan mas mainam na yung ganun kesa wala. Kahit mali. Kasi kahit ayos lang naman madalas, minsan kailangan din ng pantawid gutom.

Nakakalungkot ding mag-isa.

I've been told many times over and by many people to not show everyone my vulnerability, that not everyone deserves it, but it's about to spill and I don't have anyone. Just you. Lol. Sorry. 

I need a real person, an actual friend. But it's okay. I won't always have people right by.

I want to shut down. I feel like shit. Sana nga pagpapaka-edgy lang yung ganitong lungkot, pero alam mo ba yung lungkot na parang gusto mong hugutin yung puso mo sa sobrang sakit, yung parang ganun lang yung makakapagpatahan sa akin. 

These days, tuwing sinasabi kong okay lang mabuhay mag-isa kapag tinatanong nila ako kung kumusta yung ganito, it's not really okay. Ang lungkot. 

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa.

Bakit ba hindi na lang ako nagkaroon ng buhay na gaya dun sa mga nababasa o napapanood ko? Parang ang hirap namang sumugal sa posibilidad lang, kasi in reality, I can die a miserable fuck.

I can't even sleep. I can't sleep these thoughts away.

 hello im on my second day today sa period ko and i feel so sad bampira ba ako because i crave humans char i crave human interaction outside the office. i feel like im just dragging my body to the office and i dont want to work at all tapos di pa ako crush ng crush ko pero ayon ang sad sad sad supre sad i dont want to work at all coffee is not doing anything so is food so is the internet so is binge watching random shows am i supposed to sleep it all away but what about during my waking hours :c i feel so sad so so so sad i miss my friends i miss going out with them why am i supposed to be alone :c why :c why have i always been alone i feel so sad :c

I don't get it anymore. I don't see it happening for me anymore.

I think mas lumiit mundo ko.

I don't know how dating works anymore. 

I lose more people day by day. This makes me feel so sad. 

 Ang bigat ng araw na 'to. Gusto kong magtirik ng kandila.

Naisip ko lang, magkano kaya ako? Pag ba sinaktan yung kalahati ng katawan ko magkakahalagang limang daan na ba yon? Tapos pag may inabutan ng limang daan para patayin ako, sapat na ba yon? Ganon lang ba halaga ko? Ang hirap magbasa tungkol sa martial law :c

 I'm having a hard time breathing and I can't take a nap din bc of caffeine I feel so restless I don't feel ok. im really trying to feel okay, I'm scared na maulit yung parang lumulutang ako at humihiwalay yung consciousness ko sa katawan ko na nakatitig lang ako sa screen ko for hours tapos I felt frozen I think it's close. Sana di matuloy. I really am trying to be okay. I feel fucking sad. 

I hate looking back at the risks I've taken where I looked stupid because I know I was really trying then. I hate looking stupid when I actually try. Wala naalala ko lang. 

I wanna cry. I dyed my hair again, mixed Paprika Power and Chestnut brown cellowax, but it only made my hair even more orange 

 I didn't really think I'd last this long, and I don't know who you are exactly, but I could not have made it without you. I hope you're doing okay. Honestly, I'm not doing that well recently, but I will cope. As I have the past few months this year, and I hope I get by okay. And I hope the same for you. 

Hi.

I kind of wanna talk, but I also kind of don't want to. I'm back to feeling drowsy in the mornings. I don't know how I'm still going, given my history, but here I am.  I don't think I can reach out to any of my friends. It's tiring to talk. And I think we all need space. I tried going on dating apps again, just to ease the boredom, but I'm not on it much. So much to say, but silence will have to suffice for now.

Try listening to Moses Sumney's "Don't Bother Calling", such a nice song. Maybe it's not your kind of music, though. 

Come back soon. I think I want to hear back from you. 

I know it's just 8AM where I am, but I follow a different time zone. It's really none of your business, but I regret how I lived this day. I regret how I spoke to the people around me. I don't think I still want to exist.

There's nothing else I wanna do more than delete myself. 

Today's playlist:

I Know I Know I Know - Homeshake

So Tired - Crumb

A Dream With a Baseball Player - Faye Webster

If You're Going to Break Yourself - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

Can't Stop Staring At The Sun - Patrick Watson

Better Distractions - Faye Webster

 September has come, and sadness along with it. 

Sigh. 

 i hope ryan is ok seriously :( 

 hi :( 

i ended up uninstalling all the dating apps and deleting my accounts there. i suppose ive grown out of it. and i really dont need that kind of company any longer. 

i hope my friends will be ok as well :( i just want everyone to be ok :( sigh :( 

 Hi

I just found out abt this song a few mins ago and now I have it on repeat hehe skl 

https://youtu.be/Va_tfmIgZTw

I look great, don't I? I never really thought I could pull off orange hair. I just did it because I'm crazy, but I can naman pala. Can't believe it's already a Monday. I feel sad. Is this the holiday blues? Idk. Maybe not. It feels weird. I feel calm lying down on the floor and being alone, but at the same time, I'm yearning for things.

I really like that new Homeshake song. I also reinstalled dating apps, but I'm put off by how everyone just wants to have sex. I'll probably delete it before the day ends. 

I feel like this person I like is probably avoiding me. I'll leave them be. I'm really giving up on this. Mali talaga eh. And yeah, I feel crappy. There's no need to drag other people into this. Ikaw lang nakakaalam nito. Ayoko na rin. Ayoko nang ipagpilitan sarili ko. I'm proud of myself for not being delusional :) I want to be okay. I want things to be okay. I hope to get some sleep today. I really feel sad.

Seeing my older friends on Facebook reminds me that everyone's dealing with crap. Hays. Gusto ko nang maging okay. 

 

Man I still feel like crap

 Saw this on my Facebook memories. Horrible times.

What's with old notes and past loves today? I was talking about writing with my favorite person at the moment and then I found this:

This worsened the negative feeling. And now I'm back to wondering about the same things from when we broke up.

This is horrible. 

Nakakalungkot pala makita old notes ko kasi it's a reminder of my inadequacy and how I let an almost-good thing slip by me had I been good enough. Oo ang sad girl. Ibigay mo na 'to sa akin, blog ko naman 'to. I really feel sad na I kinda want to delete myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone 

Well, save for a friend I really trust.

Sorry sa kalat. Sana okay ka lang. I'll get over it like I always do 

 Even I can't reread my posts. Re-reading them makes me wanna vomit yucks. 

Walang naniniwala na pwede. Kung ikaw nga mismo, hindi eh di mas lalong dapat ko nga yun paniwalaan na hindi talaga. Mahirap kasing pagkatiwalaan yung sarili ko kasi di na rin ako sure kung totoo pa ba 'to o niloloko ko lang sarili ko.

 I just got back in the office yesterday from my week-long vacation and, I have to say, it didn't really give me the purpose I felt was lacking from when I took a break. Right now, I also feel so fucking sad. So fucking down. I did so badly at work yesterday as well. 

Today I broke my last mirror. It came as a pair, which I got for P500 at a mall nearby. 

I had placed it at the top of my wooden cabinet to be some sort of assistance while I attempted to bleach my roots and dye my hair evenly. It ended up looking like patchwork, a horrible mess, really. I should've stayed blonde.

I dislike having mirrors all over the place. I personally don't find it a necessity to have to see my reflection every second or minute of the day. As a matter of fact, I abhor seeing myself to a point where I'd wish to just be a floating entity, one lacking physical form.

My biggest mistake was leaving the mirror on top of the cabinet, along with my leftover dye mixture, even after this botched hair dye job. As a result, and deservedly so if I may add, earlier today, just as I was on my way out to forage for food—particularly, sisig—I clumsily knocked both the cup of dye mix and mirror off my drawer, resulting to a sticky and glittery mess, courtesy of both the mirror and my hair dye.

A few moments after, when I got up to clean up after the mess, I thought that maybe there could still be something salvageable out of the fragments. While I am not the most creative, I am an adult. I am twenty-three years old. I know enough to get by. But it's true what they say, that while broken mirrors still do something to show one's reflection, it really would not be the same.

I've wiped the dye mixture off some of the glass and taken a long, hard look at my form on this shattered looking glass, but even then my face doesn't make sense. You'd think I could at least make something fitting for my personal aesthetic out of this mess, but no.

I still hate myself.

And this is all that my five-hundred-peso bill has come down to.

The elders have always spoken against shattered glasses and broken mirrors, about how one must be careful in treading around them, about how they aren't good for anything more. 

I could wipe clean each of the pieces, try to make them almost good as new, but a broken mirror is a broken mirror. Even a small crack is still damage. 

Maybe the elders were right. Maybe there isn't anything more to make of a broken mirror and all other broken things.

 Lol I came across this:

Also, I feel pretty. I update my blog entry throughout the day, by the way. Just so you know. Lol.

Ayan. Si Airene na nagsabing wag ako mag-expect. Dapat ko na talaga 'tong tantanan. Tama. Ayoko na! Ayoko na talaga!! Hindi na!!! 

Ayoko na talaga!!! Tama na 'to!!!! Hindi na talaga!!! Ayoko na. Seryoso na. 

Ayoko na nga. Ayoko na. Tama na. It's staring me in the face. Ayoko na. Tama na talaga

I'M DRUNK. INIWAN AKO NI RYAN IM SO SAD PERO OK LANG!!! I HAVE OTHER FRIENDS PERO OK MA RIN TO!! WAKE UP CALL KO NA SIGURO YUNG NARIRINIG KO NA SA ULO KO YUNG DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI HANASH NG INTROVOYS TAMA YUN. DI NA AKO AASA PANG MULI DI NAMAN PAASA SI GUY EH HINDI PA RIN AKO MAGNENAME DROP HANGGANG KAMATAYAN BAKA IKAW PALA YUN EH TAKOT KO LANG

PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAA

nagpacheckup ako sa EO GRABE SOBRANG LAYO MAGING TAYO

Ang sakit lang konti kasi isipin mo yun, willing siya na ma-add siya ng mga tao na same interest niya pero ako na hello??? I think we're really good friends right now pero hindi pa rin pala. Sakit. Ayoko na nga. Masaya na lang ako para sa'yo. Pero ayoko na. Tama nga yun. Magmu-move on na ako. Living my life living for myself realness ganun

I wanna delete myself lol

I'm not the prettiest I'm not hot but fuck am I that awful bakit walang nagnamahal sa akin

Sad sad sad super sad I wanna delete myself I wanna truly truly delete myself

I tried dating apps right this very moment but I no longer can't I want you I want just you do I love you who knows can I just say that so casually but this isn't casual—I do love you it hurts. I love you it hurts  

I love you I love you. I do. But I'll hold it in for our sake. Maybe that's what this is supposed to teach me. So I'll hold it in. But I do love you. Very much so.

 

 Alam mo, if you really think about it, this is a story. No, seriously, this can be. Tapos naiinlove ka na pala sa akin kasi syempre kailangang gawing palatable sa audience tapos hindi ko na alam anong element pa pwede natin idagdag para maging unique siya. O kaya wag ka na lang ma-in love sa akin para unique talaga siya, pero yun yung magda-drive sa story—is he or is he not in love? (Or she, irdk who you are). Tapos ang ending di ka naman talaga maiinlove. We'll never have the conversation about you reading all these. I'll never find out who you are. We'll go our separate ways and live our lives the way they were meant to be lived. We'll grow out of each other's lives. Assuming you're this person I want you to be, parang ang lungkot. Gusto ko na lang matira sa fairytale, yung magkakagusto sa akin yung gusto ko. Ayoko talaga siyang mawala sa buhay ko. Lol. I mean, don't be offended from what I'm about to say kasi I'm really not sure who you are anyway, pero okay lang mawala ka wag lang 'tong taong 'to.

And who has the energy to write these days? Not me. Lol. 

Di ba hindi na ako makalat (in public) gaya nung dati or feeling ko lang yon.

Okay magbabasa na ako ulit skl hindi ko pa rin nililigpit labada ko mag two months na ba or one month irdk

 Magtitinder na ako konti na lang putanginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Update: nag-install ako pero uninstall din. Kaya ko pa. Kaya ko pa. Lintek na yan. Tanginaaaa. The fucking restraint. Pero tignan mo to daddy-long-legs, ANG GANDA KO SINONG PUPURI SA AKIN SINONG HAHALIK SA PAA KO HA!! char lang huhu hayst 

Oo hindi kita kilala wala na rin akong pake pero ang ganda ko putek na yan thank u filter wooo tanginang yannnnnnnnnnnn crush mo na ako no crush mo na yan dali na charot la ko pake huhu ok idlip muna ako tas basa na ako for real

Joke who am I kidding. I actually look like shit right now. Ang lala ng pimple breakout ko 

Gusto ko nang ayusin buhok ko na tinatamad ako. Pinoproblema ko pa rin yung likod. Okay iidlip na muna ako gnite.