Am I okay? I'm not sure. Nakakapanibago lang na it doesn't feel as heavy right now like it used to. It doesn't feel right, honestly. 

To that one consistent view on all my blogs, thank you. I hope 2021 gets better for you, if 2020 wasn't. Thanks for sticking around. I hope we become friends. Or not. I don't know. 

If you've ever read my blogs from top to bottom, then yeah. I owe you big. It's nice to know that whatever shit I have to say, there's always going to be that constant stranger reading, somewhere in this world. Thank you for wasting your time on this waste of space on the internet. It may not have meant anything for you, but it means a lot to me. I'm not sure if I know you, but I say this with my whole heart: I love you. :)

I have more thoughts, but I'll continue them later. I need to get back to work. Lol. 

[11:27 PM, 12/31/2020]

I thought I was okay. I even put on makeup. Why am I crying. Again. 

[11:55 PM, 12/31/2020]

actually di pala ako ok pero pagod na ako sabihing hindi ako ok?

Man I want to fuck. Guess I'm not as averse to sex like I thought I was. 

FUCK. GUSTO KO NG KARAT

 I am not pregante, but I keep dozing off instead of finishing all the tasks I planned to do. And I feel so weak. And cramps.

And I don't wanna take meds for this. I just want to hole up in my room.

I miss birthday boy slightly.

I don't know what I need. A hug, maybe. Ya girl's getting touchy a little more than usual these days. Also, that ube cake from red ribbon is shit. 

Baka physical touch yata talaga love language ko, aside sa quality time lolol

 ok about my last blog entry, syempre may utak naman ako kahit maliit aware naman akong di ko pwede sisihin yung cosmos in case it happens (which i doubt din) kasi it was my choice anyway 

i feel like shit <3 <3 *throws glitters or whatever* 

i can feel some people cutting me off and idk idk kakabother din. papalapit na christmas. so im gonna meet up with someone this coming weekend? i have a strong feeling tho na iiyak lang ako imbes na ma-horny at makipagsex haha :))))))) alam kong gusto kong umiyak at hindi ako okay pero bakit ayaw lumabas ahahahhaa <3 <3 <3 

i think gusto ko uminom right after this shift. sinabi ko nang di muna ako iinom para iwas kalat pero di ko na kinakaya tong wala akong maramdaman ahahaha parang mali na hahahahaha or... di lang ba ako sanay na di ako souper sad, and this is me trying to get myself to feel something again (sadness particularly), bc it's what i know?

kadiri ko :)))))))))))))))))))))

nararamdaman ko nang babalik ako sa time na parang pakiramdam ko lumulutang ako tas walang nagmemake sense sa mga nangyayari at paligid ko hinihintay ko na lang :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

pero kadiri nga ako i hate myself yucks the dumb things i do i'd take it all back if i could :))))))))))))

it's easy to say i wouldnt (take everything back) kasi haha it's nice knowing uve something to give pa rin pero girl at this point the clownery is pathetic na :)))))))))))))))))))))

hmm nareregulate ko na ba nararamdaman ko? idk 

i want to burrow 

parang wala akong brain cells lalo lately i dont think i actually want to go out and meet people right now. but ive already set some dates on saturday and sunday :))))))) i suppose i should be ok with having friday and monday all to myself... lamia sa long weekend unta oi

and why are there three views on my last blog entry, thats a little creepy. ex, if that is you, happy holidays. nice of u to check up on me. same old pa rin naman ganap ko sa buhay. im trying to live better, and idk if this place where im at now is better than where i once was. i... dont care anymore about you. i wouldnt wish you harm but i dont care anymore if ure doing better. i could say i wish u well, but... i dont feel anything towards you. lol idk if thats making sense. u meant a lot to me at one point, after all. 

it's nice din naman na mag-isa. this guy im gonna have a thing with, i like that we dont talk a lot. siguro balik ako sa dati na wala na ulit pake. ang bilis ko namang makausad hahaha kala mo di ko pinagpalitan sarili ko sa lalaki ano? then again, whats new. kadiri pa rin ako. 

skl i did something stupid i didnt know u were supposed to apply the bleaching cream on your skin habang dry siya lmaooooooo stupid, stupid girl. anyway...

im never gonna get an answer but in case u, my dear reader, will respond, ano magandang earphones na mura? bumibili na ako weekly eh haha (ah ayan, ex. that hasnt changed--serial killer pa rin ako ng earphones lol) i still keep that purse-something u gave me to keep my earphones in but it's just on my table haha i dont use it. 

wow u know typing all these is making me realize i have fucking moved on from my ex. wow. thats a good thing. a win! yay. kalat ng utak ko. im just unloading everything. 

tama ba ginagawa ko? dami kong pwedeng problemahin ngayon sa totoo lang pero im looking away from all of them ahahaha idk if thats me avoiding them or me thinking that maybe those things arent really worth stressing myself out. u tell me. (but of course you wont because u, anonymous reader, wont ever talk to me... unless????????? jk dont im not sure if i'd actually like that. confiding to strangers feels better. ill talk more about this)

i dont feel as shitty as i did a few mins ago pero ang unproductive ko sa work. as u can see, im typing here instead of doing my job :))))) 

Okay, proper capitalization coming right up... 

So you know how I said there are some people whom I feel have already cut me off/are cutting me off rn. Maybe I should've trusted my gut a little more. Or was it really my gut feeling o masyado lang akong takot mag-open up? 

Then again, as much as they DO seem nice, it just didn't feel like a safe space to share stuff to. Idk. I'm sure I've come across as the TMI-type of person ESPECIALLY in the beginning, when we were all just starting to get to know each other, but I only did that to try to keep the conversation going. I mean, it's not like I can geek out about, what, Star Wars? (I'm not a fan idk shit) I can only share about my personal experiences because those are the only things that I'm sure of (though honestly some of my memories are really fuzzy, but that's another story)

[You know what, screw whatever I said earlier--I do feel shitty, restless, uneasy, etc whatever. It's only caffeine that's keeping me up right now, methinks.]

I'm not sure anymore if I should place the period before or after the parenthesis, so please don't go all grammar police on me here. Thank you. 

I don't feel welcome. And it did feel a little bothersome (eventually) to have been friends with them because we feel this dislike towards some harmless people. It made me feel a little guilty, lalo na since one person we used to talk shit about turned out to be a sweetheart. :( I have read somewhere that friendships that start with distaste towards some people isn't really great. 

Wow, girl. Why are you taking that seriously? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe this is just me trying to justify or rationalizing why I'm losing those people. 

I wish I were a better friend. I hate that I said some things that were off when the subject about that person's future plans came up. I hate that I cried, kasi looking back, it felt like I was making it about me. That was fucking awful. I shouldn't have done. 

Gianna is right, I should hold my liquor. But it's the only way for me to release. Yikes. Ya girl can't deal with her emotions properly. 

What I'm trying to say is those people made me happy too. I wish I didn't have to lose them. I hope this doesn't come across as clingy, but you just know if you're not talking anymore to a person because you're not in good terms. 

And of course, I can't force myself on people who don't like me. 

I could just say that I shouldn't care, right? But I keep losing people, which means that I am the common denominator (yucks does this sound like I'm self-pitying. I'm just trying to type all my thoughts out, okay? It's a process.)

So the common denominator is me. What's wrong with me? Ayon, I'm so OA. Like one other person said, I have so much energy to burn, I seem super enthusiastic (I call myself this as I type here, looking dead lol) I should control my emotions. 

And maybe I shouldn't socialize with new people as much na. Maybe I should just stick with all the people in my life. Sad lang na wala akong go-to people. 

It would really be nice to belong somewhere. (Collectives are rolling their eyes and saying, "Sa masa, bhie", I can just imagine. That is, if I were to tell them this.)

I'm also moody, but I really did my best not to lash out on them everytime I feel like shit. Ah, I'm also insensitive. And sensitive in the wrong ways. 

Now, I ask myself, how do I change those? To which I also answer, conscious effort. (Yiee, ex thank you for teaching me this. Maybe I do wish you well now. Lol.)

I think I need a friend more than a dick appointment this Saturday. 

I wish I could unfriend those people, kasi I don't want them to see me anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself. 

In time, I'll be able to do that. I know I've always had a penchant for cutting people off. (Naunahan nila ako tho, not that I'm competing.)

IN OTHER NEWS, I'm back na dun sa game-ish I've been playing since June! Yay. Parang tama lang kasi dami ko nang nagastos dun, jusko. (This is why I don't play games, because I'm horrible at it but at the same time, competitive. So, I tend to grab at whatever option available to try and get ahead. Which means, yes, spending money.) I could've gotten myself a new laptop but ya girl's bad with money. I need to REALLY change that. (Small win, I don't order food online so much na! And the last time I spend money for that game was beginning of last month! Double yay!)  I still can't play Genshin Impact, nawalan na ako ng gana. Lol. Hirap na rin mag-catch up sa mga friends ko. I don't feel like trying. 

TOPIC NUMBER 3, naisip ko lang na may nagbago sa akin pagdating sa music stuff. I don't care anymore about people's opinion on my music taste. Kampante na ako sa music taste ko. Yay. Di na ako try-hard hipster. And di na rin ako puro RnB (THANK FUCKING GOD). And I don't feel like recommending music anymore to people. Like, I'll just mind my own business and listen to what I like. Pero di ko na feel ipagtulakan yung mga kantang kinababaliwan ko at the moment. Is that a sad thing? Idk if that's because chill na talaga ako o kasi nasanay na lang akong wala naman talagang pakialam yung mga binibigyan ko nun. 

I'm still not sure if the periods should be in the parenthesis or outside. I'm too lazy to switch tabs to look it up. 

TOPIC NUMBER 4, my former bestfriend (who is still a really good friend we just decided to set boundary na with the way we deal with each other + we've also grown apart) so my former bestfriend sent me an email, and wow, I don't have the energy to reply. It was just a forking greeting. The email has been left on read for days now. I don't know what to say. 

There's also this guy I matched with on OKC that I became friends with on Facebook kasi we have a mutual friend, and he sends long messages kasi we're like online penpals. We don't have casual conversations, we just dump all our replies or the things we want to say in one go. And his message was long. But all that I wanted to reply to was that bit about Ai-ai delas Alas taking a shit at their house. I've also left him on seen for days. I'm too lazy to type shit. 

I also don't feel like going on dating apps anymore. I uninstalled both OKC and Bumble, leaving me with Tinder, which is for ~fast and easy transactions IYKWIM~ but eh. I'm not too keen on hooking up with anyone anymore. I don't even know what I'm going to do about Saturday. I cannot just ghost him, because we're friends. 

I also found another  potential FWB whom I'm gonna ghost because I don't feel like doing it anymore (like I said), and it's scary. Haha. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I won't get attached, because what if the guy's likeable? I shouldn't put myself in situations like that. Better safe than sorry, di ba. 

Is it possible to just lie down and get drunk with someone? (I'm not sure about myself tho, if I still wouldn't want to do it when I get drunk, because drunk me tends to become a little... different.)

Haba naman nito. Sana nakakapagtipa din ako ng ganito para sa thesis ko. 

What am I gonna do for Christmas....

Tutunganga. Just like my birthday. Iinom mag-isa siguro. 

I chose this life. I need to stand by my choices. 

I still want to die. I'm just not ~pursuing~ it actively. 

Kapagod. 

That's enough brain dump for now. Till next time. Hope you're okay, whoever you are. I'd say more, wish you well and all that yada-yada, but I feel drained now. Just imagine me hugging you as I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. That's the most comfort and reassurance I can give right now. 

Ah, one last thing. Am I ready for when we go back to working in the office this January? I'll have to prepare myself for that too. Sigh. 

Hope the days have been kind to you, anon. Take care. Kung pagod ka rin, hurray for solidarity. 

PS. Posting this here for safekeeping

Validation ba 'to? Idk. It made me feel good the first time I read it. It's not working now, but it might work a little later. 

PPS. Re-reading this and dami kong kulang-kulang na words. And grammatical errors na rin. Ayoko nang ayusin. Gusto ko ng strawberry bagoong. Sad. 

Gusto kong mag-impake at matulog sa buhanginan. Sa dalampasigan, hindi construction site, okay. 

Bigat ng katawan ko. 

Kung may bago man tayong readers dito, siguro ang weird nga na kinakausap ko sarili ko. But it's what's best for me. If I talk to people, nagiging selfish ako kasi I make it about me. So okay nang i-dump ko lahat dito para di na ako masyadong makipag-usap sa mga tao.

Kung mapapansin mo, di gaanong madami entries ko nung November kasi may (mga) kausap ako. Dapat pala minaintain ko 'to. Conscious effort.

Gusto kong magbreak for one week tapos tutunganga lang ako. Ayoko nang bumalik sa work. My lunch break is about to end. Gusto kong matulog na lang.

I need to mop the floor. I miss going to the cinema. Going out alone is so much better than my life now. As much as I know how to enjoy solitude, I do not like this.

I miss drinking alone sa labas ng Acacia Hotel.

Kapagod talaga.

FKJ's Ylang-ylang is playing, and you know what it's making me wish for right now? To sleep with someone and cuddle. Like seryosong tulog lang.

Drained ko grabe. 

PPPS. Ito na ata yung sinasabi nilang "that pleasant surprise when you rediscover an old song you like. It's this song. How timely. Nakahiga ako sa sahig, in the middle of my messy room. It's making me think of this person I've been disgustingly pining for. Yucks. I also wish I had a keyboard so I could learn this song and play and sing it. Gusto kong matuto mag-keyboard/s shit, but takot din akong pag bumili ako, baka di ko panindigan. 

PPPPS. Happy thought, ang comfortable talagang mag-panty at oversized t-shirt lang sa pambahay. Kung lalaki ka anon, bahala ka. 

Sarap ng Spanish-style sardines. Ang dugyot siguro na I'm eating it straight from the can, pero that's how much I have this space all to myself. Lol. Gusto ko nang punuin yung ref/fridge ko ng pagkain.

Napapadalas na rin pagtu-tweet ko. Dapat ko na ulit bawasan socmed activity ko. 

Another fleeting thought, all deez exfoliation shit pero wala namang hahaplos sa akin. Chos. 

Hay. Work na ulit. Kapagod. 

P to the nth power S. Cute talaga ng crush ko, saet sa heart onti. Ambaby gago. The guy kept going on about how he does not want me to feel shitty about it in the future, well you know, I'd rather we pushed through with it kasi it does not change that I feel like shit about it right now. Better to have tried and feel like shit than to not have tried at all AND STILL feel like shit. Or I don't know. 

Sino ba yang Cousin From Baguio na yan, pa-reto nga. Charet. 

God, I wanna delete myself. Fuck. 

I don't fucking understand why I'm so hung up on this guy I'm disgusted at myself already honestly. 

Okay. Time stamp,  3:09 AM. I'm fucking crying over this guy. Make it make sense. Why am I being like this. It's so disgusting. It's so fucking disgusting. 

~***~

Hi, it's me again. I just wonder bakit tumitigil yung mundo pag holidays? Why do a lot of people assume that everyone has someone to be with during the holidays? I have friends offering their place for Christmas, but the pandemic is making it hard. 

~***~

I'm highly aware that I get easily attached, and it's a fucking flaw. I fucking hate it. I've been trying my damned hardest to avoid this. 

papangunahan ko na yung cosmos, since it loves playing a joke on me. haha. ang tagal ng period ko ha? ang lala ng ganap kung mabuntis ako dahil dun sa nangyari. tangina naman. hahaha. feeling ko naman baog ako pero tangina lang pag nangyari yan, sobrang pananadya na yan. hahaha. :)))

 I think it could've been anyone else. I was just a glitch in the matrix, I was the one who was always around. I need to drill these in my head. But I'm fucking sure if they ask again, I'm going to say yes. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown. I've always been a clown...........................................................................................................

Some stupid decisions are worth it. 

Ang bobo, pero I want to hang out with him again. He felt, feels safe. 

I really, really am over my ex, but this makes me wish we never broke up so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. Then again, kilala ko sarili ko. I've always enjoyed treading unfamiliar waters. Ha ha ha. 

Naisip ko na baka kaya lang siya ~masaya and, *cough cough* magical~ was because of the alcohol, but we've hung out sober and it wasn't bad. I enjoyed his company. 

I've had tons of ugly thoughts. I hoped for a chance. IDK. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD KADIRI KO. FUUUUUUUUUCK

Why are feelings??????????????????????????? I archived our convo already so that I won't make the mistake of sending him a message by accident, but it'll still notify me when he chats. It's not like I don't check the chatbox. Just clown tingz. 

I've been trying to look at other people pero I really hate how when I like someone, ayun na yon. GOD DAMN IT. GOOD FUCKING GOD. 

I was, am willing to settle for whatever morsel of him that he can give, honestly. And I appreciate that he doesn't want me to feel like shit when it's all over. :( 

be my sadboi :( and then maybe we could try being happy with the small things the world can offer :( 

UGH ANG CORNY I FUCKING HATE IT. WELL HELLO SPECTATORS, YOU ARE NOW SEEING CORNYATHENISMS AT ITS CORE GOOD FUCKING GOD

I'm still holding back at this point. Imagine? Sometimes, it feels good to be reminded that I do have something to give. Just when I thought na said na said na ako, hindi pala. Meron pa pala. It's just sad that he won't take it. 

Nananahimik na ako sa sulok eh, tanggap ko na in case abutin ako ng ilang taon na mag-isa o kahit for the rest of my life na, tapos biglang ganito? Bakit ang rupok-rupok ko rold

I could've worded all of this better and tried to sound poetic, but you know what?? I won't. Let me breathe. 

Also, maybe okay na rin 'tong mag-isa muna nga ako. I still don't really like what I am. Nakakapagod nga sigurong i-share yung sarili mo sa ibang tao. And the frequent rejection and misunderstandings. 

For starters, he's out of my league, anyway. 

I'll leave my door slightly open for when someone tries to come in, and I will be nice and offer them tea. I'm certain there will be a tiny voice at the back of my head that will compare those strangers to that one stranger I'm pining for right now, but eh. Bahala na. 

I hope he thinks of me on some nights. And maybe consider me too. Idk. It'll be too much to ask for him to think of me at least once on the daily, but I hope he remembers me sometimes. And I hope he asks himself what if, and I hope that maybe all those times put together would be enough for him to reconsider. 

And I hope we'd never have to rely on liquid courage, because I know I don't have to. 

I hope it wasn't only physical, but if it was, then there's nothing I can really do about it. 

I hope it's just not me wondering what if. 

So, lol, me being the cheesy piece of shit that I am, went and listened to H.E.R.'s "Could've Been", and should I even assume that we could have been when there's a huge chance it was purely physical? He says he's drawn to me, but idk. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

Pero ugali ko kasing mag hold on till im completely crushed tho. 

ANG IRONIC LANG KASI NAALALA KO OCTOBER 3RD POST KO. AND NOW THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. 

TANGINA MO UNIVERSE TANGINA MO TANGINA MO

   

so why can't it be me, right? 

yucks. i did not stay chill the entire year just to end up in this same spot. i keep on wanting to bang my head against the wall every minute of the day. ive reflected on what ive done, and im fully aware it was disgusting. im just lucky they're nice about it, but that still does not take away how i ended up becoming like the people i disliked. yucks. 

im lucky to have my friends who tell it as it is. they keep me grounded. i just need to listen. self-control, babes. self-control. 

in other news, ive been feeling like shit lately, and i have a feeling im gonna crash again :))))))))))))) so i went and reached out to a friend who lives close by and we hung out for a bit. coffee also worked. maybe im gonna take a bath today. i havent done so for 3 days now. haha. i cannot function. :)))) <3 ive also been drinking at work lately which is of course, BAD, but i put an end to that drinking streak today. 

i cant have friends. i think it's best to keep to myself. 

Why are we all not some rich heiress or someone who can afford to be jobless for at least a year and go ~soul-searching~ or whatever the fuck that is

To be fair, I brought this upon myself but ALL OTHER OPTIONS were just as crappy? I've had a hard time staying in one job before this one, and I thought that wouldn't happen again when I finally stayed for a year (even 2 yrs) in this company. Why can't humans hibernate for a long period of time  like some animals. Heck why am I even human huhu why wasn't I a cockroach (so I could be killed off easily) or something. if jig saw were to kidnap me and make me fight for my life I wouldn't even do anything I think I'll just lay there and wait for everything to end the world is crap there isn't anything to live for a aaaaaa. most days I'm fine (recently), like I don't think too much about what i should be doing or the things I could've been doing or what I want to actually do. Coasting thru life somehow helped but now gahhhhh it's tiring to have to drag yourself to function like any other human being. The pressure is prolly coming from my job. What even is this job. 

I don't even feel like crying I'm just... Sooooooooo tiredddddddddddddddddddddd.......

Like if someone would offer me to work for a week and get paid twice the amount I'd normally earn in that span of time VS. sleeping for a week, maybe take a leave from work, even if the latter's just unpaid time off, I'll take sleeping any day. But alas, this bitch is poor, with no fallback if she were to lose her job.

Mirisi lagi kapuya oi kapoy kapoy kapoy di na ko di na ko di na ko di na koooooo

U know how there are so many people I could point a finger at for this shitfest of a life but what for anyway. As much as I know that I deserve a better life, whatever anyone's done to me is all in the past, and that better life I want is something I'll have to work for alone. I could view this with a different lens and think that I have total control over my life and my decisions, but goddamnit it is tiring and it is lonely and the days are slow and it is lonely.  fuck the adults and fuck their horrible decisions and fuck them for not living up to whatever they started. wag kasing mag aanak kung tatanga tanga. 

Yucks I sound like a teenage kid in her rebellious phase I hate it

I wish I lived a normal life. I really wish I lived a normal life. I don't care much anymore about becoming brilliant or contributing something significant to the world. I just want to live in my tiny bubble and mind my own business.

I don't ask for wealth. I just need something stable.

And ok. Fine.

It would be nice to actually have a home.

I mean, if I'm still not gonna die in 20 years then why not make me happy or something. Ang walang puso ng mundo.

Wala na kayong binigay sa akin, lahat kinuha niyo. Lahat pinagkait niyo. Ano ba ako, just another story of resilience for people to marvel at? I don't need their approving looks and them praising me for my ~guts~ and drive (that's barely there) and tenacity. Because fuck you, hindi nakakabusog ang tenacity. Tenacity is just you trying to live another day gutom ka man o hindi.

I don't need another "You're so strong, Athena, for having survived all that."

I hate it. I hate the word potential. I hate being told I have potential.

I don't care about not being remembered. I'm completely fine with becoming just another girl in your yearbook photos. I just want to have a home in that street you always forget the name of. Give me the most boring life there is—I'll take that over this rollercoaster—And I'll be thanking you many times over. I will be thanking you to the grave if need be.

Most people on dating apps say they'd rather be weird and all that cool shit, but weird means different, and different means unpredictability, and fuck, I've had enough of that. Pero may klase pa ako. Mantakin mo 'yon, kahit pag-ngawa mo, kailangang i-schedule. Hahaha ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ such is life.

Oh, and in case those planning to sue me are still around here, I still mean my apology, and I hope you're all happy. Truly, I do. Your lives are none of my concern now. I care about my misery more than yours and your joys.

In other news, I miss kantot.

 i wish i could go back to when the days were simpler, but even that seems impossible because ive always carried this sadness with me for as long as i remember. 

why do i have to keep telling myself im happy? im happy im happy im happy am i really happy or am i just convincing myself? is this it?

 taena ang lungkot gusto ko bumili ng cake kaso wala naman ako mapaglalagyan o kahati anyway gusto ko nang lumabas para kumain ng matamis dapat pala lumabas na ako kanina pero ayoko rin lumabas at the same time

habadu to me

 Okay, I took a bath today. Here's hoping it improves my mood. I'm also wearing my favorite t-shirt. :) So far it's working a bit. 

I think there's a problem with my bathroom though, there's always a puddle of water by the toilet. :(( I'll have to ask my landlord about that. 

Sigh, it seems lik eI'm back to square one. I don't even know again what to do. I just feel overwhelmingly lonely. I don't remember when I last cried, but do I ever remember? I'm sure I've cried last month. Maybe not last week, but sometime last month for sure. I've wasted 3 hrs at work now, feeling like a floating sandwich lost in space (yet again). It's still manageable. But goddamn, being alone is lonely as fuck. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Being alone doesn't have to be lonely! It shouldn't have to be, I'm not lonely like this even when I'm alone most of the time. 

It's probably the birthday blues. 

I may have beaten the Monday blues from yesterday, but goddamn the birthday blues and the holiday blues and fuck. I hate occasions. I hate that I'm alone. I hate that my space is so small that I can't even keep a pet. Or if I did... Maybe I can get a kitten. At least, it won't bark like doggos so it won't interfere as much with my work. 

That's an idea. Yeah. 

I also need pillows. And cabinets for food. And books. 

The high from cementing my independence even further was so quick to dissipate. 

Picture this: I am seated in the middle of the room I'm renting, a tiny box I can call my very own safe space, feeling accomplished, but as I look around, I'm faced with nothing but walls. I have nothing to live for. 

It's easy to say I can live for myself, but I can't. I'm headed nowhere. I'm just floating and going where the tides take me. The waves haven't been kind, and so, I've admitted defeat. 

I still think about my pending lawsuit. It does not keep me up at night, but it's always at the back of my mind. I'm just waiting. 

I think I want to die again, but I'm not as suicidal. 

I just want to cease to exist. 

I really hate the holidays. I fucking hate the holidays. It amplifies this feeling of loneliness, because my holidays have always been like these: a. I'm alone in a sea of strangers, could be going out for the sights (but it only gets me sad, honestly) b. I'm staying over a friend's house (because I have an awful family <3) c. I'm with my mother's side of the family, and I'm the only one without a mom or dad with her, and there's an invisible line between me and them, or; d. I'm drinking alone in my room with the lights out. 

I'm a fucking loser. I'm gonna die one. I hate the holidays, I remember how last year I was fucking alone, and my ex was fucking someone else. Fuck it. I'm crying. Channel Orange in the background isn't helping. Lol. 

It's true what they say about how jokes are half-meant. At least in my case, they are. And I joke about asking to be adopted often. I'm fucking sad. 

One of the good things I remember was my former landlady giving me some carbonara last year. That was awfully sweet. I remember my best friend from high school taking me in and taking care of my drunk ass everytime I sleep over, her family saying I'm always welcome to crash at their place. I remember one high school classmate who offered to exchange gifts with me, we ditched the class christmas exchange gift and but we exchanged presents. He also hung out in the cemetery with me, and told me he enjoyed the peace and solemnity of the place. 

I want to be held, g-sauce lord. 

I'm turning 23, and what kind of person am I? A fucking joke. 

Guess what, I fucking created another profile on that Dating thing on Facebook, but I can't even bring myself to swipe. I just wanted to find a place where I can lie down and have someone snuggle me, jesus lord. I feel so sad. I'm deleting that profile at lunch. 

Gusto kong magkaroon ng malubhang sakit tapos matagpuan na lang bangkay ko dito sa kwarto ko, pwede ba yun? 

Hoy, sa kung sino ka mang nagbabasa (if you do exist), DO NOT for the love of Millic's bone structure, misunderstand me. I am not dying to be in a relationship. I know I'm not cut out for it, or maybe not yet, maybe not ever, that's the least of my worries right now. I'd worry more about money more than getting a guy. Ni wala nga akong makitang bahid ng libog sa sistema ko, or if it does come, it's nothing more than a fleeting feeling and is very easy to satiate. (Another reason why it's hard to look for guys because most of them, if not all, love sex so much). Maybe there really is something wrong with me for not being into sex as much as the others. I don't know. 

What I think I need is companionship. 'Tis all. 

Fuck. I'm turning 23. 

Here's me trying to use an eyeliner and this glittery eyeshadow pencil I got from Miniso. It cute, but I'm not cute. I wish I were pretty, but even makeup cannot salvage my blah and boring face. 

I wanna paint the walls of my room now. </3

~***~

I mostly drink to make myself feel. Imagine a kind of sadness where you can't even bring yourself to consume alcohol. I have no energy to watch even the fluff rom-coms I've been following these days or binge on the short films from Pista. I'm wishing I could be a flea and instantly die. 

 Nag sink in sa akin na mag-isa lang ako sa coming holidays, even on my birthday. Ni hindi pwedeng gumala.

Iniimagine ko nang nakakulong lang ako sa kwarto ko tas iiyak mag-isa. Ni wala akong ganang manood nung short films dun sa film festival ngayon.

:'>

Iniisip ko na lang ngayong I'm more than these emotions. Kinakaya pa naman. 

Kung sino ka man, sana okay ka lang. 

Seems like I'm back again to feeling glued to the bed,, nagka-internet issue ako today. Galing ng timing. Sana di na bumalik muna. Ayoko muna maging tao. 

 is it weird na enjoy ako na may nasasabihan ng i love you na random na tao (ako yung blue icon) kebs lang. eh. ok work na me kinakabahan ako sa klase ko mamayang umaga di ako ready mentally but then again when will i ever be

 my mind has been muddled by the thought of my mom's birthday for weeks, before it was even her birthday. (twas on the 9th) till now. idk what to feel or say tho. but it's been bothering me. i havent told anyone. i dont feel like telling anyone. it even took me a while to write about it here. i finally quit the group I'm in, in that game ive been on since June, only to play another one (Genshin Impact YAYYY). I wish I could go back, but I've caused irreparable damage already. 

Maybe that's how wearing your heart on your sleeve can be wrong. 

I wish I wasn't straightforward at times like this. 

I also wish I didn't trim my bangs, it looks like shit. 

I feel meh. Not exactly like shit, but eh. 

I miss and don't miss talking to people. I want and don't want to talk to people. 

 i wont mind going on deep, long hibernation

 i want to buy a cam corder and a keyboard :( 

can i just say im highkey shipping kaina and sen morimoto??? it's actually nice :(( it's making me believe that girls who arent skinny also deserve love (BUT SHE IS ALSO PRETTY AND IM NOT SO THATS ANOTHER PROBLEM WAAAAA)

"secret stomachaches"

ive been without a facebook account for 2 days so far and good lord, i hope things could stay this way. ive been saying that i would delete it after school but it seems unlikely because i will also need it for work aha aha aha :( why cant we bring back e-mailing hmmmmmmm... i dont know why i reactivated my ig, i wish i didnt. 

i wanted to write something a few mins ago but i forgot what it was so ill just keep that prompt above till i remember it. if i do remember. i tried reading a few of my handouts BUT CANT HAHAHAHA. I gave up on the introduction why cant my brain handle fancy words anymore huhuhu

for someone sleep deprived, im doing pretty decent... and why are there now 3 views on my most recent blog entries????? 

if this is my ex, it's chill if u still wanna sue me, but i havent badmouthed you in the last few months haha not even on private messages. it's even exhausting to talk about what happened. i just need to release it sometimes when i feel sadt about it, which is not often honestly 

i miss having an actual conversation with people. like a good, long conversation. i miss my friends. :( 

i know i've had my moments of weakness a lot more than i wanted AKA the yearning, but it wouldn't have been as hard if i had a social life *clears throats* fuck covid 

Over.

i know. times like this, i couldve just spent ~rediscovering myself~ but im lazy hahaha it's starting to be hectic again these days. guess i'll be distracted again soon. :))

i still havent gone back to therapy. 

im so scared of something that occurred last saturday night:

i was half-asleep and vividly imagining things that i wish would happen. it felt so damn real but at the same time i had to cry because i was also aware that they weren't happening in real life, or maybe not in this lifetime, at least. i dont think it counts as hallucination but it was goddamn scary i was a little tempted to immediately contact my therapist haha

to be called eloquent by someone you admire is nice. yiee. 

im used to pining (just for the lack of a better term, and for the theatrics) over people. it's ok. 

theres this book ive been meaning to read for days. maybe ill give it a try tomorrow. so help me lord

will someone just take me away and let's live another life? haha huhu

i'd like to think im a better person than i was because now, i can stand by whatever choices ive made. and i can also make choices, though not all the time ahah but it's a process, okay?

im really just mumbling here. 

why does discord have to make you wait for 14 days before fully deleting your account?? why not just 5 days or something,, I KNOW IT'S A PLOY TO KEEP USERS FROM LEAVING HAHAHA BUT I HATE IT BECAUSE I AM  A VICTIM TO IT. I KEEP COMING BACK. I JUST WANT TO VANISH INTO THIN AIR OK?

****

to be called ~soft, gentle, and hot (but psychotic)~ by one of your crushes huhuhuhu haha im kinda happy HAHAHAHAHA i will disregard the trap part and the rage and cake bit as well hmpppp

we shall not fixate on one guy and keep our crushes bountiful so as to avoid the torturous burden of a broken heart HAHAHAHAHAHA trying to sound like an old person ew

niwayzzzz 

** 

i'd like to share how it felt NICE to fall asleep immediately during my break 15 mins after closing my eyes wtffff thats foreign but completely welcome

kamiss madiligan i fucking swear haha charot hays soft hours charot pota this life 6 months na ako walang pakikipaghalubilo sa mga tropa ko ayoko na po chararat pota gusto gusto ko lang ng may katabi at tatapik sa likod ko at magpa-pat sa ulo ko tapos isusubsob ko mukha ko sa dibdib niya tas yon na yon ok ok ok ok ok pota pota pota 

pero ayoko ng fuck buddy kasi ang gusto ko ay tunay na pagmamahal at busilak na puso charot hays putangina this life syempre hindi pa pwede kasi tatanga tanga pa ako az a person luh hahah hays kailangan ko lamang po ng isang halik bilang patunay na ako ay isa pang tao at hindi bato panginoon magparamdam ka! pero suko na ako sa dating app pota ok so paano? eh di nganga ayoko na maghanap actively pota ang draning kaya haha atsaka ang hollow at empty lang sa pakiramdam kada swipe mo aha aha alam ko sinabi ko na yan pero ala lang gusto ko lang ulitin

alam ko medyo ilang araw na itong sinasabi kong "moment of weakness lang to palipasin na lang natin" huhu sorry na talaga athena pls behave na pls pls pls tangina? am i thirsty? maybe yes i just wanna LITERALLY sleep with someone pls na may konting malisya no to sex i have been converted into virginianity again no more sex sex is bad momol only

ok kids? ok 

alam mo bakit ba kasi ang hirap makipagdate? hindi ba pwedeng magkainlovean na lang kayo ng kaibigan mo para komportable ka na agad? kasi pag makikipagkilala ka with the intention to date, ang daming pagpapakitang-tao, kaka-conscious sobra kasi ewan haha di naman pwedeng kebs kebs lang. hays pero kebs na lang talaga ISPIRITO NG DEMONYO LUBAYAN MO AKO UMALIS KA HINDI KO ITO KAILANGAN NABUHAY AKO NG ANIM NA BUWAN NA HINDI GANITO KALALA ANG YEARNING KO PLEASE LANG

pero can i say i dont hate my face so much im aware im not pretty but i can tolerate my face and body na hahaha so yay it's a win for us, lads! <3 PERO MABALIK TAYO KASI PUTANGINA ayon lang

jusko panginoon isang halik lang,, maawa ka at mahabag,, hindi na rin ako sigurado kung nagbibiro pa ako at this point please lang. 

mas ok pa ako nung takot ako makipagdate eh pota,, bakit ba nanunumbalik itong mga ganitong napakamaling damdamin huhu huhu

isang napakalungkot na hoe-ctober sa ating lahat,,, tagay!

PS. proud ako sa sarili ko kasi di ako buang na buang sa lalaki ngayon

PPS!!!!!!!

marunong na magmemes etong si aports natin na hindi marunong mag order sa grabfood kakaproud naman hahahahaha uhuhuhu 

tangina nalulungkot ako miss ko na mga kaibigan ko huhuhuu

 So my period came 5 days late, and will you please remind me why I need to go through this every month when I'm not even sure if I need this or if I plan to bear any children in the future?

I ghosted my therapist again. Hahaha. And my nose is runny. I hate it here. 

 still at a low, but im trying my best to hang in there. my period is also delayed goddammit. obvi im not pregnant but ugh i hate the irregularity

 would a diagnosis actually help people

im at a low right now. cant even work. coffee isnt doing its thing

 bitch u thought i'd make it for a week without going on here? nah-uh hahahaha

dat girl raised the bar to a different level, and while I'd like to commend her, god i dont want to work so hard hahahaha suddenly feeling the urge to resign but of course i cant lmao what a joke anyway,,, im getting evil thoughts as in "eh, she cherry picks her calls" btw i literally looked at the a few of her calls for this week and it is apparently true hahahah but im trying my best not to think negatively of her because that only makes me look like a sore loser which i probably am AAAA i dont want to work so damn hard haha pls,,, maybe to encourage myself, the basic target right now is something i can attain within half of my shift haha so i may be not as awful but good fucking lerd

 It only takes three days and two bottles of strawberry soju for the high to wear off. 

So recently, there's this Twitter game going around on my timeline, which is like a variation of the number game, and I joined one of my friends', and here's what I got:

 

To be told that I look happier would have to be the best compliment ever. I've been told na I lost weight din daw despite not really doing anything. Could be the angle. Could've just been a good day. I don't know. I don't care much anymore. I do feel better. I'm sure I'll feel like shit again one of these days, but hopefully, I'll be able to deal with it in a much better way when it happens. Plus, I'm still alive, aren't I? 

Also, I saw a silhouette of a man glide past across my boss's house in an unbelievable speed a few nights ago. I wasn't exactly scared to the bones. I have to admit that after it happened, I kept looking outside, but I managed to take a nap afterwards. Sleeping trumps everything else. Anyway, as it turns out, someone died in the block last Saturday. It was a woman, which isn't probably connected to what I saw right? But no, ahaha. Fun part, she had a very short haircut. She died of a tumor, IDK where. I had to laugh, because I'm still skeptic about the existence of ghosts. Anyway, may she rest in peace. 

My boss scolded her nanny today, and I felt guilty because I don't really do much in their house anyway. I just keep to myself. She was talking about how the nanny sounds like she's always mad with the boss's son, and she was practically screaming her head off. I can't blame her though, I could tell that she's been sleep-deprived for two days now. Her eyes have been swollen and bloodshot lately. :( Doesn\t help that it's like she has three children to think about--her actual son, her boyfriend, and me. I'm a little glad though that they had the conversation, because I agree with my boss that the nanny has been very grumpy towards the kid. I'm no mom material, but I do know that kids don't deserve to be on the receiving end of your bad mood because they're literally just a child who don't know better than you??? Which is why I stay away from them because I'm scared of them and I don't think I can handle them. Anyway, the kid and I played. Had to take him away from the boss and the helper because yeah. 

It was also a bit weird how the nanny kept insisting that the boss sleep in her boyfriend's house instead of going home. Like, this is literally her house? Why are you throwing her out of her own home? Hahahaha. The helper said she's leaving after this pandemic problem. Hoooo. 

Ok. 

I know I can be loud lots of times, but I really feel uncomfortable in a house where people scream to get their point across. 

Hello everything :) 

I just want to share about how lately, I don't mind existing as much, so much that i can sing (as you can see). I won't go as far as saying I'm super psyched that I can go around throwing glitter on the pavement, nor do I aim to be that happy--that shit's exhausting. No one is a complete fluff of sunshine. 

But I'm at peace.

2020 is shit because of everything that has happened, I'm not going to lie. But that does not stop the year from becoming our year. It is my year--lazy days, unfinished knitting projects, and all. I think it's safe to say that I've outgrown that thinking that I have to advance and that I'm so behind the game or corporate ladder. Lol. I'm not. Getting to the top of the ladder is not my goal, or the goal... I just want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. Don't get this wrong, I don't promote slacking, but taking a goddamn break isn't that bad of a thing. I think. 

The discourse I've read it's true. Maybe it really is capitalism to blame for getting this competitive, every-man-for-himself type of mindset ingrained in our heads. It's not supposed to be a dog-eats-dog world out there, and the wronged ones are not to blame. 

I'm not to blame for trusting. 

I'm imperfect and mediocre as they come, but so is everyone else. We're really all just grains in the sand, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm part of a whole, and I fill a space. That's enough. 

I'm a little worried for when life throws a curveball my way (in the form of a subpoena from an ex), but I'm hopeful that I will get through it.

There's this set of people online from around the world whom I've been talking to these days, and it's nice how I don't feel any hint of "Ha! There's a guy. He might be boyfriend material" or something. They're just nice people, and that's it. I've been talking to people on dating apps too, but I don't feel the need to go out with them and start anything romantic. That's a huge leap, I must say. 

My only regret right now is being too shy to ask for a refund for the camcorder that was damaged upon shipment. I think I want to start a video diary too, aside from the blog posts. 

 hello everything

u know that day I only had one hour of sleep? well I turned out to be productive hahaha met the target, did my laundry, FUCKING TOOK A BATH AHA AHA.

anw i was browsing thru my old photos and idk why. this may seem narcisistic of me but why do i hate myself so much in the moment then end up looking at myself through old pictures and finding that im not as ugly as i thought i was at the time???

i mean look AT HER!!! LOOK AT THAT GLOWING SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK!! AT!! THAT!! GLOWING!! SKIN!! i know i smile like an idiot (esp on the 3rd pic) but thats just my brand, dont expect sexy hot pretty selfies from me,, but these were back in 2017? 2018? damn why did i waste this cutie on my exes,,,

versus present me btw (like i took this literally five mins ago)

Look at how long my hair has grown aaaaa,, and this AFTER CHOPPING OFF THE DAMAGED ENDS,,,,,also i havent taken a bath today but i did yesterday lols anw i havent combed my hair either so forgive me. anwwww, waaa my hair is growing,, i am a little tempted to dye my hair but idk,,, im thinking of growing my hair to my waist, like it was circa 2018-ish? see if i'll like it, if i dont, then ill damage it again aha aha aha aha it would be nice to have healthy hair for a change

i need to get the energy to watch the tree of life,, also i dont get im thinking of ending things so much, it needs a second viewing (or possibly, more) im so glad im feeling ok right now. i was starting to feel like crying again...

 hello everything haha

so... ive been away for a bit. thats because during those times, i felt like an actual human being. except i wasnt productive at work, but i was genuinely happy. :) this game im playing right now is actually fun and everyone there is turning to be fun. 

right now tho, im running on only one hour of sleep and i feel my body crashing any minute now. it feels heavy (and it actually is lols). i hate how coffee is now making me palpitate right now. or it may be the sugar in instant coffee. i used to be str0nK. what in the world happened?

i also saw okja the other day and <3 <3 <3 

i wanna sleep

 dear diary

kanina pa ako nagpapalpitate :) i wanna cry,, i cant work well,, it feels hot,,,

the caretaker

[Time stamp: 5:52 PM] 

Fun date idea: lie down in bed facing each other and finish The Caretaker's Everywhere At The End of Time

I'm just glad I didn't listen to this at work. I would've... My head is hurting honestly. And I'm just at Stage 2. 

[6:30 PM] 

I'm stopping at Stage 3. My head hurts like hell now. 

[09:28 PM]

You'd think that just because my period is over, I won't be having a breakdown. Boy, are you wrong. I feel it coming. 

I want to be ok i want to be ok i want to be ok i want to be ok

DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT CARETAKER ALBUM IN ONE SITTING. 

DON'T!!!!

JUST FUCKING DON'T. 

WAG MAKULIT!!!!!!!!

I look pathetic pero I know I'm chill lang naman talaga about it. Kebs. Wish things could go back to normal. 

In other news. I feel like a normal human being right now, wow. 

I need to be firm and constantly remind myself to have a little sense of shame naman. Don't wait for the time na i-block ka na ng mga tao. I hate this side of me. 

oh my god the audacity of this bitch (translation: me) im gonna die of embarrassment

surprise surprise i feel good. Hope my friends are too

Here's the thing, I'm drinking to get rid of the alcohol. Maybe because I feel a little sad, but right now, I could sleep it off.

Now, I feel so much how alcohol weakens me. Turning my head feels like a chore. But I'm not numb. And I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I'm a little tired of typing. I want to hear my voice. And yours, especially. I miss you. And I'm sorry.

I miss you. I'm sorry. 

I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please come back. I should've kept my mouth shut. I don't want to lose a friend. I was nipping the bud before it could bloom because I already know. I should've kept it in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted last time. I'm sorry. I'm really so sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone. My exes. The friends I've lost. My family. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I know. Apologies come with change. I'm working on it. 

 fake asleep

Maybe this is what they call emotionally constipated, and I can't let myself off the hook. It feels like I should cry, I want to cry. There are many things that I want to release, but they just won't come out. And I can't let myself fall asleep till I feel something. Anything.

Ayoko talagang mag drama, tsaka di naman ako nalulungkot ngayon (namamanhid pa nga eh), pero nitong nakaraang linggo, bigla na lang akong umiiyak. Lalo na kagabi. Nakailang iyak yata ako. 

Parang di pwedeng sakto lang. Either iiyak ako ng wala talagang dahilan o ganitong namamanhid ako.

I don't feel right. Ang daling humingi ng tawad.  Ang hirap magpatawad. Bakit ganun? 

Sorry na lang talaga sa inyong lahat. Di ko na sasayangin oras ng sinuman by sending an unwanted message. I've said my piece then, and now, there isn't anything else to say but I'm sorry. 

Inaantok na ako sobra, pero di ako makatulog. 

FUCK

now that's an introduction. 

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed which isnt really anything new, and an hour before work so i didnt have sufficient time to collect myself before i go do my job (which im sort of not doing right now because here i am, typing on this virtual journal or whatever)

i should probably stop reaching out to that friend who may have decided to cut me off, huh? if that one view on these entries isnt coming from me, let me just ask, who the heck are you? 

anyway, dont answer. i might get just disappointed if you dont turn out to be the person i want. whoever you are, i still feel gratitude. thanks for your time. 

hope youre doing ok and enjoying your friday evening

now, enough about you. back to my musings because it's not like we're having a conversation. conversations arent one way. 

i know i dont love my ex anymore and i wish i could wash all this sadness off of my skin, but it's as if with every shower, all the droplets of water that fall on my skin only catch his every essence and what was of us and all the pain i have harbored over the years, and instead of those droplets falling off of my body and going down the drain, they remain on my skin, like lint, till my skin rips itself open and they go back in and i...

i dont know if that makes sense. 

i dont seem to be healing at the rate this is going, do i?

it does not help that i am on my period right now, but it's already the 6th day what the heck

i tried to watch 2 movies today but it looks my brain is so slow i can only make room for one every day. anyway, today's movie is comet and it didnt make me feel as much as synecdoche, new york did, but it was still beautiful in its own way. the score was also good, the cinematography tho. that was the best part about it. 

there were lines that were okay, it was honestly the end that carried the entire movie, not hating on it tho. man if there was anyone else reading this save for myself, would you be so kind and recommend movies? just kidding that would mean you'd have to give away your identity haha neither of us want that right? or wrong? idk dont care i feel so shitty right now nothing matters right now

i should probably expect random emotional outbursts from myself every day at work, as i just had my quick crying sesh. 

i tried watching never let me go today too, but i stopped about halfway because i wanted to sleep more. look where it got me--grumpy and feeling shitty

my nails are long i want to get them done i wanna exercise and lose weight and gahhh i dont feel so motivated (wow surprising? jk)

you know, i still haven't uninstalled okc yeah that stupid app i paid for but i havent also opened it ever since that night i reinstalled it haha which was like 2 nights ago i think? ive lost all sense of time honestly so i dont know. the past few months have passed by and i dont know how long it has been it just feels like one long, tiring week

hey you anon can we please exercise? does chloe ting's workout help? ive read about that backlash she got for being a know-it-all 

again, fuck. aegis just played in my queue that was fucking random and funny 

now, moving on to your favorite part of my diary entries...

IN OTHER NEWS...

(nah kidding i just like saying this)

so i came across this post right now honestly before i read this it's so noisy in my head right now like i want it to be CALMMMMM AND QUIET LIKE FUCK SHUT UP BRAIN IT'S SO FUCKING NOISY SHUT UP SHUT UP I CANT FUNCTION I WANNA CRY

do i really wanna die? maybe i do but right now i dont, i just want things to be better please? pretty pretty pretty please fuck ive been crying on and off now. coffee isnt doing what it should be doing to my system. im awake and groggy and feeling like crap pls make it stop 

is it socially acceptable to be crying to a marvin gaye song?????????? marvin gaye said if the world were his, he'd give everything to his love and im in tears hearing that because fuckkkk

sweet, good love sounds so heartbreaking because damn that would be nice but fuck im a mess im a fuck up im a shitty person good for nothing worthless useless piece of shit it's overused sure and every meme girl and boy call themselves that everyday but fuck i really am a piece of shit i swear to god oh god now i wanna die i dont see myself anything of worth not that i want love i know i wont be able to handle that kind of love right now i just wanna be ok ok? but damn im sad sad sad really really sad

i still dont have a concrete idea of what my worth is but my understanding of it so far is that my worth is something that i cant explain but all it has to do with is myself and my standards. so fuck fuck fuck ok 

ok im joke im crying to every song its not just marvin gaye

chapter 2

i wanted to ask a friend if i really am worthless like i think i am but i stopped myself from doing so because that sounded an awful lot like fishing and i should stop looking for validation from others. 

chapter 3

i went thru spotify and what caught my eye was that my ex finally named his account and so i was tempted to go to his profile which i ended up doing anyway and im glad he seems ok. if they're pushing thru with the case, that's beyond me. i'll do what i can on my end too. 

i think i need to delete that playlist. out of sight, out of mind. 

i did. 

chapter 4

I can barely finish 10 sit-ups how did this fucking happen when I had no problems with 50+ sit-ups years back

anyway cheers have a nice life 

hello everything!!

right now, im listening to frank ocean's moon river and boy, this song never fails to get me in my feelings. anyway, just to let you know, the fart (that is my feelings) have been FINALLY released from my system--yes, my dear friends, im crying at work so to speak. i have to say, my tears have the worst timing ever. at least it wasnt as bad as crying in the train and in jeepneys so i guess thats a bit of a relief. unfortunately, i have to cut the crying short every now and then because i need to talk to people on the phone so :)))

keeping a virtual diary is helping me, i think, and now, i no longer feel the need to announce my useless thoughts and share them, not even to friends. i guess im fine with keeping things to myself. hope this keeps up. 

~achievement unlocked~ 

it's a little sad that i had to learn this because some important people left, but hey, it's the takeaway that matters the most right? they'll never see this, but im thankful i got to meet them at least. im pushing myself to follow their example and focus on myself because if im being honest here, i need it, even more than that person does. i shouldnt even think about putting myself out there to begin with. 

so, forgive me for my moments of weakness. 

im still too young. i should spend these years learning to love myself and becoming the person i wanna be or be happy with. i liked what this filipino artist said about being in a relationship with themselves. thats what i should be. i should fully commit to being in a relationship with myself, thats what. yeah. maybe those cringe pop songs were right. i just find their sound and uncreative lyrics repulsive haha

anyway, this guy i had feelings for (unrequited btw) recently resurfaced and out of the blue, if i may add. this was the guy i only knew from online whom i was hung up on for years and would write long love letters for (what the flying fuck right? haha im feeling secondhand embarrassment for my past self) 

(exhibit A)

(exhibit B)

(exhibit C)

I kept that old writing notebook where those letters were written. Some, I typed and sent. Some, i kept to myself. Maybe, in a way, I envy my past self now that I think about it. She was brave enough to put herself out there. I'm not in a good place now to even try and question if those feelings were genuine and completely selfless, but damn, I enjoyed being in the giving end so much in the past. I loved to dwell in it so much, because as far as i remember, my words were that, "it makes me feel" and "i have a lot of love to give". 

That was actually nice. 

maybe i need her right now. maybe not. 

love is scary. i wish i didnt waste my years and feelings on them. maybe i wouldnt be as damaged as i am now if i didnt but it's too late for that now so i have to make do with whatever's left of me and start rebuilding myself from there. 

anyway, that friend's not in the best state of mind right now and im a little worried because im not the best person to turn to bc my state of mind is in the gutter too but eh. what im doing when he talks to me is be honest and say that i dont think im the best person to seek advice from and then share the things im still trying to understand. 

i tell him to hold on even when i dont know the reason why we should. when i put it liek that, it sounds like a joke, but hey, maybe blind optimisim is helpful like this haha i wanna die but i dont wanna drag anyone else into this. joke i still hate blind optimism ew

IN OTHER NEWS, i watched arrival (2016) there is a tiny smile in my heart right now because at least im back to watching movies again after that one-week break i took. i basically wasted one week doing nothing because ive been feeling sooo down as in the suicidal type of down but surprise surprise im not yet dead so thats progress, i guess, but to circle back to my question in a previous post, is it really progress when u stay alive and failure when u kill yourself or try to? 

that question is still unanswered for me. no one's answered it so far. like i have anyone to ask. but thats ok ill figure it out myself one of these days. 

my recent fav artists are bj the chicago kid, lucky daye, arin ray. rnb the best eheh

ill be honest about something. so i uninstalled tinder right? but i installed okcupid and i paid for the app for a month's worth and honestly i dread opening the app bc i dont think i wanna talk but at the same time i... crave human interaction...

im writing a letter to someone in turkey via the slowly app so theres that. if he replies, ill uninstall okc despite wasting my money there huhuhu maybe having a penpal would be nice. there's a BIGGGGG language barrier tho

i dont like how he asked for pictures immediately on the second letter like duh

also my last letter was at may this year so haha im good at ghosting good lord

i thought this was a great idea to talk to people and i tried talking to girls too but it didnt last long. she quit after less than 5 letters and i wasnt even being suicidal, i was trying to be pleasant 

anyway we'll see