"secret stomachaches"

ive been without a facebook account for 2 days so far and good lord, i hope things could stay this way. ive been saying that i would delete it after school but it seems unlikely because i will also need it for work aha aha aha :( why cant we bring back e-mailing hmmmmmmm... i dont know why i reactivated my ig, i wish i didnt. 

i wanted to write something a few mins ago but i forgot what it was so ill just keep that prompt above till i remember it. if i do remember. i tried reading a few of my handouts BUT CANT HAHAHAHA. I gave up on the introduction why cant my brain handle fancy words anymore huhuhu

for someone sleep deprived, im doing pretty decent... and why are there now 3 views on my most recent blog entries????? 

if this is my ex, it's chill if u still wanna sue me, but i havent badmouthed you in the last few months haha not even on private messages. it's even exhausting to talk about what happened. i just need to release it sometimes when i feel sadt about it, which is not often honestly 

i miss having an actual conversation with people. like a good, long conversation. i miss my friends. :( 

i know i've had my moments of weakness a lot more than i wanted AKA the yearning, but it wouldn't have been as hard if i had a social life *clears throats* fuck covid 

Over.

i know. times like this, i couldve just spent ~rediscovering myself~ but im lazy hahaha it's starting to be hectic again these days. guess i'll be distracted again soon. :))

i still havent gone back to therapy. 

im so scared of something that occurred last saturday night:

i was half-asleep and vividly imagining things that i wish would happen. it felt so damn real but at the same time i had to cry because i was also aware that they weren't happening in real life, or maybe not in this lifetime, at least. i dont think it counts as hallucination but it was goddamn scary i was a little tempted to immediately contact my therapist haha

to be called eloquent by someone you admire is nice. yiee. 

im used to pining (just for the lack of a better term, and for the theatrics) over people. it's ok. 

theres this book ive been meaning to read for days. maybe ill give it a try tomorrow. so help me lord

will someone just take me away and let's live another life? haha huhu

i'd like to think im a better person than i was because now, i can stand by whatever choices ive made. and i can also make choices, though not all the time ahah but it's a process, okay?

im really just mumbling here. 

why does discord have to make you wait for 14 days before fully deleting your account?? why not just 5 days or something,, I KNOW IT'S A PLOY TO KEEP USERS FROM LEAVING HAHAHA BUT I HATE IT BECAUSE I AM  A VICTIM TO IT. I KEEP COMING BACK. I JUST WANT TO VANISH INTO THIN AIR OK?

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to be called ~soft, gentle, and hot (but psychotic)~ by one of your crushes huhuhuhu haha im kinda happy HAHAHAHAHA i will disregard the trap part and the rage and cake bit as well hmpppp

we shall not fixate on one guy and keep our crushes bountiful so as to avoid the torturous burden of a broken heart HAHAHAHAHAHA trying to sound like an old person ew

niwayzzzz 

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i'd like to share how it felt NICE to fall asleep immediately during my break 15 mins after closing my eyes wtffff thats foreign but completely welcome