hello everything!!
right now, im listening to frank ocean's moon river and boy, this song never fails to get me in my feelings. anyway, just to let you know, the fart (that is my feelings) have been FINALLY released from my system--yes, my dear friends, im crying at work so to speak. i have to say, my tears have the worst timing ever. at least it wasnt as bad as crying in the train and in jeepneys so i guess thats a bit of a relief. unfortunately, i have to cut the crying short every now and then because i need to talk to people on the phone so :)))
keeping a virtual diary is helping me, i think, and now, i no longer feel the need to announce my useless thoughts and share them, not even to friends. i guess im fine with keeping things to myself. hope this keeps up.
~achievement unlocked~
it's a little sad that i had to learn this because some important people left, but hey, it's the takeaway that matters the most right? they'll never see this, but im thankful i got to meet them at least. im pushing myself to follow their example and focus on myself because if im being honest here, i need it, even more than that person does. i shouldnt even think about putting myself out there to begin with.
so, forgive me for my moments of weakness.
im still too young. i should spend these years learning to love myself and becoming the person i wanna be or be happy with. i liked what this filipino artist said about being in a relationship with themselves. thats what i should be. i should fully commit to being in a relationship with myself, thats what. yeah. maybe those cringe pop songs were right. i just find their sound and uncreative lyrics repulsive haha
anyway, this guy i had feelings for (unrequited btw) recently resurfaced and out of the blue, if i may add. this was the guy i only knew from online whom i was hung up on for years and would write long love letters for (what the flying fuck right? haha im feeling secondhand embarrassment for my past self)
I kept that old writing notebook where those letters were written. Some, I typed and sent. Some, i kept to myself. Maybe, in a way, I envy my past self now that I think about it. She was brave enough to put herself out there. I'm not in a good place now to even try and question if those feelings were genuine and completely selfless, but damn, I enjoyed being in the giving end so much in the past. I loved to dwell in it so much, because as far as i remember, my words were that, "it makes me feel" and "i have a lot of love to give".
That was actually nice.
maybe i need her right now. maybe not.
love is scary. i wish i didnt waste my years and feelings on them. maybe i wouldnt be as damaged as i am now if i didnt but it's too late for that now so i have to make do with whatever's left of me and start rebuilding myself from there.
anyway, that friend's not in the best state of mind right now and im a little worried because im not the best person to turn to bc my state of mind is in the gutter too but eh. what im doing when he talks to me is be honest and say that i dont think im the best person to seek advice from and then share the things im still trying to understand.
i tell him to hold on even when i dont know the reason why we should. when i put it liek that, it sounds like a joke, but hey, maybe blind optimisim is helpful like this haha i wanna die but i dont wanna drag anyone else into this. joke i still hate blind optimism ew
IN OTHER NEWS, i watched arrival (2016) there is a tiny smile in my heart right now because at least im back to watching movies again after that one-week break i took. i basically wasted one week doing nothing because ive been feeling sooo down as in the suicidal type of down but surprise surprise im not yet dead so thats progress, i guess, but to circle back to my question in a previous post, is it really progress when u stay alive and failure when u kill yourself or try to?
that question is still unanswered for me. no one's answered it so far. like i have anyone to ask. but thats ok ill figure it out myself one of these days.
my recent fav artists are bj the chicago kid, lucky daye, arin ray. rnb the best eheh
ill be honest about something. so i uninstalled tinder right? but i installed okcupid and i paid for the app for a month's worth and honestly i dread opening the app bc i dont think i wanna talk but at the same time i... crave human interaction...
im writing a letter to someone in turkey via the slowly app so theres that. if he replies, ill uninstall okc despite wasting my money there huhuhu maybe having a penpal would be nice. there's a BIGGGGG language barrier tho
i dont like how he asked for pictures immediately on the second letter like duh
also my last letter was at may this year so haha im good at ghosting good lord
i thought this was a great idea to talk to people and i tried talking to girls too but it didnt last long. she quit after less than 5 letters and i wasnt even being suicidal, i was trying to be pleasant
anyway we'll see