FUCK

now that's an introduction. 

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed which isnt really anything new, and an hour before work so i didnt have sufficient time to collect myself before i go do my job (which im sort of not doing right now because here i am, typing on this virtual journal or whatever)

i should probably stop reaching out to that friend who may have decided to cut me off, huh? if that one view on these entries isnt coming from me, let me just ask, who the heck are you? 

anyway, dont answer. i might get just disappointed if you dont turn out to be the person i want. whoever you are, i still feel gratitude. thanks for your time. 

hope youre doing ok and enjoying your friday evening

now, enough about you. back to my musings because it's not like we're having a conversation. conversations arent one way. 

i know i dont love my ex anymore and i wish i could wash all this sadness off of my skin, but it's as if with every shower, all the droplets of water that fall on my skin only catch his every essence and what was of us and all the pain i have harbored over the years, and instead of those droplets falling off of my body and going down the drain, they remain on my skin, like lint, till my skin rips itself open and they go back in and i...

i dont know if that makes sense. 

i dont seem to be healing at the rate this is going, do i?

it does not help that i am on my period right now, but it's already the 6th day what the heck

i tried to watch 2 movies today but it looks my brain is so slow i can only make room for one every day. anyway, today's movie is comet and it didnt make me feel as much as synecdoche, new york did, but it was still beautiful in its own way. the score was also good, the cinematography tho. that was the best part about it. 

there were lines that were okay, it was honestly the end that carried the entire movie, not hating on it tho. man if there was anyone else reading this save for myself, would you be so kind and recommend movies? just kidding that would mean you'd have to give away your identity haha neither of us want that right? or wrong? idk dont care i feel so shitty right now nothing matters right now

i should probably expect random emotional outbursts from myself every day at work, as i just had my quick crying sesh. 

i tried watching never let me go today too, but i stopped about halfway because i wanted to sleep more. look where it got me--grumpy and feeling shitty

my nails are long i want to get them done i wanna exercise and lose weight and gahhh i dont feel so motivated (wow surprising? jk)

you know, i still haven't uninstalled okc yeah that stupid app i paid for but i havent also opened it ever since that night i reinstalled it haha which was like 2 nights ago i think? ive lost all sense of time honestly so i dont know. the past few months have passed by and i dont know how long it has been it just feels like one long, tiring week

hey you anon can we please exercise? does chloe ting's workout help? ive read about that backlash she got for being a know-it-all 

again, fuck. aegis just played in my queue that was fucking random and funny 

now, moving on to your favorite part of my diary entries...

IN OTHER NEWS...

(nah kidding i just like saying this)

so i came across this post right now honestly before i read this it's so noisy in my head right now like i want it to be CALMMMMM AND QUIET LIKE FUCK SHUT UP BRAIN IT'S SO FUCKING NOISY SHUT UP SHUT UP I CANT FUNCTION I WANNA CRY

do i really wanna die? maybe i do but right now i dont, i just want things to be better please? pretty pretty pretty please fuck ive been crying on and off now. coffee isnt doing what it should be doing to my system. im awake and groggy and feeling like crap pls make it stop 

is it socially acceptable to be crying to a marvin gaye song?????????? marvin gaye said if the world were his, he'd give everything to his love and im in tears hearing that because fuckkkk

sweet, good love sounds so heartbreaking because damn that would be nice but fuck im a mess im a fuck up im a shitty person good for nothing worthless useless piece of shit it's overused sure and every meme girl and boy call themselves that everyday but fuck i really am a piece of shit i swear to god oh god now i wanna die i dont see myself anything of worth not that i want love i know i wont be able to handle that kind of love right now i just wanna be ok ok? but damn im sad sad sad really really sad

i still dont have a concrete idea of what my worth is but my understanding of it so far is that my worth is something that i cant explain but all it has to do with is myself and my standards. so fuck fuck fuck ok 

ok im joke im crying to every song its not just marvin gaye

chapter 2

i wanted to ask a friend if i really am worthless like i think i am but i stopped myself from doing so because that sounded an awful lot like fishing and i should stop looking for validation from others. 

chapter 3

i went thru spotify and what caught my eye was that my ex finally named his account and so i was tempted to go to his profile which i ended up doing anyway and im glad he seems ok. if they're pushing thru with the case, that's beyond me. i'll do what i can on my end too. 

i think i need to delete that playlist. out of sight, out of mind. 

i did. 

chapter 4

I can barely finish 10 sit-ups how did this fucking happen when I had no problems with 50+ sit-ups years back

anyway cheers have a nice life