Swerte ko sa jowa ko oks na kami lala lang ng toyo ko

 Well, I'm so glad I have this space where I can air out my thoughts first instead of raising them immediately to whoever is concerned because not all thoughts here are rational and I need time to process and decide on what and how I really feel about things.

Days like this make me think I may really be depressed, but eh. 

 My skin is so dry I also stink. Can't believe I've to work again tonight. As always sana dead na lang me. 

I'm not sure if this boyfriend still loves me. It doesn't feel like it anymore. Lugi na naman ako. 

Life was so much more peaceful before this. My head hurts so much.

No song, just poems.

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My problem with being extremely sad during the holidays is my cross to bear, right? The only thing I can do is do better with coping, right? And if my boyfriend says he's busy then I need to understand that right? He did say this would happen. What's the bare minimum for when you're busy?

He does check up on me a few times a day. I guess it's my lack of anything going on that makes it more noticeable how things have changed.

Siguro nakakainggit lang din yung iba kasi some people find time to be with their SOs.

If only my dog wasn't crazy, maybe I wouldn't be here anymore. It's just that no one else will be as patient with her that's why I still stick around. I could just leave her with my dad, but I know he'll just tie her up and leave her outside without a care.

I wish the holidays didn't exist. It only makes me feel even more insignificant and alone. Most days I'm okay with being alone, but it's times like this that make it feel like it's a crime. 

I feel like I always get the short end of the stick. I can't withdraw even more than I already have and I hate that I have to do it sometimes to protect myself. I'm not built to be detached and cold and unloving. 

I've put my phone on airplane mode and disabled the chat function on my messaging app just to pretend I have control in that rather than just live with the truth that no one out there really cares. 

I also don't feel like he still likes me as a person. I'm not sure he ever did. 

Saying sorry for being distant lol why are you even being like that to start with, and what's the point in apologizing if you can't really do anything about it. Apologies are not meant to substitute for solutions. 

He's so dismissive. 

I've also been seeing a lot more things where we're incompatible. Sometimes I think the things he said to reassure me were just lies. 

He can always find someone else where he won't have to worry if the person's gonna be dead or alive the next day. I also don't feel like our sex drive is compatible. 

What use is having someone who still makes me feel alone? It's easier for my mind to accept that I'm literally alone rather than be with someone who doesn't really make me feel any different. 

 I realize I haven't had a decent meal since Saturday morning. My lips are all chapped yay self sabotage!

I'm reading—

I hope it gets better in the coming days. I cooked ham. Still haven't given my boyfriend his gift. I don't feel like existing. I wish I could hibernate. 

There's always no one to welcome me back so I might as well just stay lost. 

I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about my feelings or thoughts anymore. Unfortunately, this includes my boyfriend. I feel insignificant. I wish I didn't exist anymore. 

I feel dead. Heard my stomach grumble, but I don't really feel hungry.

This is what my dog does. I have to get up for her. I have to feed her. I have to clean up after her. I can't die yet because no one else will have the patience to care for her.

Here is my dream:

I remember another dream. I dreamt that my mother and I flew out of the country together, and my dad was supposed to get on another flight and follow us. We had a stopover in Canada. We walked from where we landed all the way to where we planned to spend the night. We walked through an orange forest, but despite the bright pretty colors, the place still looked abandoned and something unusual that I saw while we walked was a set of teeth, but it was flattened out for some weird reason. I think I saw my mom and I in the room together and then she told me my dad caught a direct flight and we'll meet him in that place we were headed to before she left the room. I folded the blankets because that's what you do when you're the last to wake up.

And then idk what happened in between. I just remember being on the passenger seat with someone who felt like my dad, although I'm not sure if he really was my real life father. It was nighttime and we were being chased down and shot at by people, and it had something to do with the set of flattened dentures l saw on the ground. 

And then I remember running away alone and hiding in a beach. I went to the sea and hid in the waters. I hid as much of myself as possible and kept the only most important parts out on the surface enough for me to breathe. I remember losing consciousness and then waking up on the sand and being saved by an important woman whom everybody respected. She took me home and tended to me like a mother and then I was safe.

I remember being one of their close family friends and helping them out to hide myself. Where she lived was a place that was 2200 km² big, and the Earth's land mass in my dream was only 9000 km²

I remember walking the whole 2200 km² on my way to leave the house. I remember that the exit was a dainty garden with flowers above my head. Even the gates were covered in baby pink flowers.

I remember that the exit led to the same beach where I hid, but this time, there were many other people, but they were celebrating my existence. This time around, I didn't feel scared for my life anymore. 

The holidays are still awful. I feel so bored. I feel dead. Pakamatay na lang kaya haha jk

 Sana mamatay na lang ako. 

unta makakita na ko ug purpose uy or anything to be passionate abt idk im too loud and outspoken and passionate to live a quiet life i dont feel alive

not sad, just still feeling lost lol i had more direction and drive when i was in my teens

i kno it may take longer than i would like it to before i find my rhythm. i may never even find it at all. and even when i say in jest na ako na lang ang nag adjust ng pangarap since all the cards are/were stacked against me,

how ive been living doesnt seem right. im too intense of a person to have no dreams or ambition or any clear passion. i can't just waste away the years like this, waiting around until im finally sucked dry of life

i know im capable and driven when i want smth but idk what to do or where to go. one side of me thinks im too old for this shit but i also know im not. where do i put all these? what are these for? 

i cant want something halfheartedly. otherwise, i will not see it thru

knowing doesnt rly take u that far. 

i miss the times when i was sure of myself, when i would beg bc i wanted smth so much. and i was never a doormat and so i'd never be taken advantage of despite being desperate. i'd even take pride in my desperation bc whats wrong with wanting smth so badly that you'd do anything?

i havent fully figured out yet if im still scared of wanting or if i rly dont want it like i did before

i dont have it in me to just want something halfheartedly

 I've also been very bored lately. 

 I miss my boyfriend. 

During a fairly recent convo, my boyfriend mentioned how I remind him of his mother during a fight, and that it wasn't in a negative way because his mother is the best person he knows.

When I thought about who mine is, my mind went blank. But as I thought more about it, for now, I've decided that maybe it's not necessarily narcissistic to say that the best person in my life would be myself because I'm made up of the best bits and pieces of everyone in my life. And even with the trauma that was passed onto me by, say my mother,  those seemingly bad bits were only their best given the situation... so it's still the best, you know? 

Did that make sense? I don't know. It did in my head a few hours ago, at least. 

Despite my knowledge na walang alam ang jowa ko and he's AWFULLY dense + he's walking in tiptoe around me when I feel like crap, I was still hostile and attacked him (verbally) kahit na pwedeng idaan sa diplomasya. 

This behavior of mine has to change. Especially towards the people who matter. The fight made me realize things and wasaybe another wakeup call. This is my accountability post. 

I'm appreciative that he also acknowledged my concerns, MAN HE'S TOO REALISTIC AND PRACTICAL THO HAHAHAHA WALA NAMAN TALAGANG KASIGURADUHAN LAHAT

But frankly? I needed that reminder to drill even harder this lesson on my brain that it's for the same reason I shouldn't be treating people like crap. Inaasar ko siya during the fight. That was so bitchy and useless. Walang ambag para umusad yung convo. I've let my hot-headedness get the best of me. 

I don't think I should get rid of my being bitchy entirely, but I should tone it down especially towards the people who matter. I have a right to be angry and no one can take that away from me because who am I without my sarcasm and petty quips but there is a right approach to being angry if I want the conversation to be productive and what I did last night was the opposite.

Outsiders don't really get relationships, and I know I may look stupid, but tbh, this is just one of those fights sa ibang couples. Pero tama na ring i-cut off yung ganitong attitude, kasi we will disagree on many other things, and we can't have that kung ganito ang magiging approach ko all the time.

 May goal na ako pero akin na lang muna. 

 I've been thinking if I'm needy or if he's emotionally unavailable or if it's both. I'm tired.

I dreamt that a friend asked for flowers for her birthday and of people from work. I wish I'd dream of anything but real life-related stuff. Where are the movie-like sequences? I want to get away. 

Once again, I feel empty. Hahahaha. Kala mo bago eh no? Sorry, walang bago dito.  Kailangan laging maglabas ng pera para lang mag-enjoy ano yun. 

Ang boring ng buhay ko. Kung ganito lang din naman hanggang kamatayan sana'y bilisan niya na lang. I don't really feel loved, like yung loved to the bones. Idk why. Or maybe that feeling doesn't exist. Or maybe I'm the problem and so while it's out there, I won't ever feel it the way I am now. 

Mas madaling maging ulila na lang kesa yung buhay pa nga parehas magulang mo pero di mo rin naman mauuwian. Kung magkasama kami ulit ng kahit sino sa kanila, magpapakamatay ako at some point I'm sure of it. 

Sa ngayon, pakiramdam ko pabigat lang ako sa lahat. Pinapalipas ko lang yung taon. As always, ayoko na. Kaso ayun, mahal mamatay kaya di pa pwede. Sana di ko na lang to pinoproblema no? Wala akong makita sa sarili kong worthy :) Wala akong makita sa sarili kong ka-salvage salvage pa. Pakiramdam ko talaga ang basura ko. 

Ayoko na talaga. Haha. Tangina na lang. Pakiramdam ko lagi akong lugi sa lahat. Bakit ganun. Di ko naman binibigay sarili ko sa lahat ng pinagbibigyan ko kasi umaasa akong may kapalit, gusto ko rin namang mahalin sila lahat, pero bakit pag ako na, wala sila?

Anyway, medyo malakas yung urge to overdose right now. Ayoko na talaga. Siguro seseryosohin ko na lang pag-ipon ko for my funeral tapos bahala na si Bebu, sa tatay ko na lang siya. 

Gustong-gusto ko na talagang magpakamatay. Kaso siguro traumatizing ata yun para sa jowa ko. Taena no, first gf mo tas papakamatay. Yoko magpasa ng ganung burden so baka makipag break na lang ako pag mas malakas na loob ko.

Di na ako tutuloy sa kung anu-anong lakad next year. Bayaran ko na lang anong share ko sa Elyu para seryosohin ko na. Di ko rin nakikitang motivated pa akong tapusin pag-aaral ko. Wala na rin namang point.

Alam mo nakakatawa lang kasi di ako nagsosoundtrip kanina tapos naisipan kong magpatugtog kesyo baka madistract ako kaso dun ako humagulgol, tapos tumahan lang ako nung nagstart akong magdiscuss about killing myself and saving up for my funeral. 

Lagi ko rin namang sinasabing ito lang kapupuntahan ng buhay ko. Oh well di ba. Ang weird kung makikipagbreak ako ngayon, so saka na. Siguro next year. Mga a few weeks pag may significant amount na akong naipon. Idk. Or maybe I should do it now? Di ko alam anong idadahilan ko. Di ko naman pwedeng sabihing kasi magpapakamatay ako kasi mukhang cry for help. Di ko feel i-share yung mga ganito kay Matt. Di ko alam bakit. Kasi feeling ko di niya kayang i-handle. Ayoko ring magmukhang I'm fishing. So walang point. Wala rin akong nakikitang pwede kong pag-share-an. Eto na lang. Mas magandang sarilinin ko na lang. Totoo naman din, di ko naman therapist si Matt. Tsaka siguro sasama lang loob ko kasi yung simpleng nag-anxiety/panic attack ako, ang dismissive niya lang. So yeah ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

May isa lang akong na-appreciate, pero ang bare minimum haha. Sabi niya, di raw siya makikipag break sa akin just because his family said so. Kaso ang dali lang namang sabihin nun. Yung isa nga, di naman talaga nakipagbreak sa akin, just made it appear like he did for his parents' sake.

Tsaka ayoko nang masyadong madrama, magpapakamatay rin naman ako, lugi pa siya. 

Di na ako magbobother. Di na ako maghahanap pangregalo, para san pa di ba. Naglolokohan lang naman kami dito. Di ko rin naman ramdam. 

Di na rin ako pupunta dun sa kick-off party sa work next month. Gagastos pa sa damit. Naglolokohan lang naman kami sa trabaho. Ayoko silang kasama, tapos sila lang kasama ko. Anong ika-eenjoy ko dun? Mukha nila? Performances? Nanood na lang sana ako play o movie o ano ba at least legit at guaranteed yung quality. 

What's a good reason to live? Wala akong mahanap eh. 

I wish I could tolerate physical self-harm.

Baka kaya ako nabobo bc I would hit my head on the wall when I was younger. Ngayon ko lang naalala as a naghahanap ng alternative. 

I'm surprised it's never come up in conversations how my setup was with my father, but we broached over the topic of why I don't like our house there. 

I don't have anywhere I can call home and anything I could leave behind for proof that I once was, was disposed of just like that. I don't care about not being this very important, brilliant person more than being like someone who never existed. Siguro kaya rin inuunahan ko na. The most I will be when I die is just another dormant profile on a social media website, good for nothing and back to non-existent should those websites stop running. 

And if that's how I'll end up, then what have I lived my life for? 

You can't say I should live it for myself because if I fully had my way, I wouldn't even. I'd have ended it awhile back. 

I still feel empty. Nothing seems to make it better. I wish this wasn't so. It feels like I'm only deteriorating by the day. Tbh, I think I may need to try therapy again, pero ang tedious kasi ng buong process, and it's not like I've never tried. Nagsayang lang ako pera. 

Meh, I'm drained af na. I'll just let things unfold. Umay na, I've no time for this shit. Biglang bumait amputa. Nah. Tama si Gianna. You don't change overnight, whatever you're doing is just to lure me in again and then you'll be back to whatever you were doing that led to me feeling like this.

Hintayin kong ikaw na lang maumay at maramdaman mo pinaramdam mo. 

I cancelled on our "date" this Dec 3 and paid for my own tickets. How's that for fed up. 

May 1 view agad a few mins after my most recent update on that last entry? Are you psychic or something?

Going back to that thought dump on dreams, okay lang bang ang achievement ko today ay nakatikim na ako ng kape ng Dunkin Donuts at napagtanto kong basura siya at naka-jebs ako 2x and I felt a huge sense of relief from it? 

Ang babaw naman nun, but what else do I have? 

I won't be sleeping tonight until ng flight namin back to Manila tomorrow morning para bagsak ako when I get home after I pick up Bebu.

Here is peace, but at what cost? It feels so empty. Is this really peace or did I just escape from the things that could make me feel alive this whole time? Irdk. I wish I wanted something. Ang daling isiping mag-let go na lang kasi wala naman akong gusto o pinanghahawakan. 

Spent the last four days out of town. I still feel empty. Things were good for the moment until they weren't.

Ganun lang talaga yun. Okay na lang. Ganun na lang naman yata talaga yun.

I don't know how to feel about things. I can't elaborate yet. Saka na lang siguro at ayoko nang isipin.

Tbh, I think this guy's going to break up with me anytime soon. Sana he just gets it done and over with na so we can move on.  Unfortunately, the person's also indecisive (worse than me i think) so eh. Buti na lang go with the flow lang ako so kebs lang. I'm not breaking up tho kasi I'm still willing to work on it, it's too early to call it off I think and ang wala namang solid na dahilan to do so on my end. 

Ang dami kong nababasa about going for the things you want, letting go of things you think you want, pero wala na kasi akong pangarap sa buhay. Di ko alam anong gusto kong paghirapan, maliban sa pag-build ng sarili ko. I think posible namang magawa 'to habang striving for a dream, pero wala na kasi ako nun. Kaya di ko rin alam para san pa ako nabubuhay wahahaha

 I'm worried that I may have driven him away too much. 

Okay lang bang magmahal na lang? Pagod na akong mag-rationalize at mag-isip. Why should I need to watch my back when it's supposed to have you? 

too lazy & drained for words; my days in photos. and then, an afterthought

I think I've cemented my place in your life as at least your first girlfriend and that's pretty much it. Somewhat similar to when adolescents have sex the first time, you and I are just a moment to cross off of a to-do list, our few days reduced to a box marked done and over with. Hopefully on a pastel sticky note, at least. 

I don't feel like you really want me. It feels like we're only together because you've resigned to make do with whatever available fragments there are of the one you've loved your whole life.

You make me feel like I'm yet another forgettable female side character to your male protagonist, a gateway girl in my own movie. 

Always a Rosaline.

The painter's botched replica of a scene in the park. 

Nothing more than an attempt at a fantasy of another life.

 

we're now okay

We're now okay.

Thanks for dropping by and checking in. I like how we talked about it; it wasn't angry and messy and deafening like in the movies. Think Baumbach's Marriage Story. You know which part. And we were far from that scene. I think we handled it pretty well.

Some days, he makes me want to start dreaming again and tonight, he's reminded me that even with the bad, when it's with his company, it's easier to brush them off and just take them on. I hope this doesn't sound dependent. I think I've coped with my life okay naman on my own so far, but it's different when your day is closely linked with someone. It's the same level of difficulty when you're on your commute past the wee hours of the night or morning, and you have someone with you. You can't think just for yourself anymore. You have to turn your head every once in a while to make sure the other person's catching up too while you run after your ride, or better yet, you hold their hand and it's either the two of you get on or nobody does. 

Siguro I say that bit kasi I remember how we still had a good time despite walking in the rain with only his small and slightly bent and worn out pink umbrella (romantic in the movies, but very shitty in real life, especially when you live in Manila, where roofs come flying off of houses every typhoon season or even when it isn't, as long as a typhoon or two spontaneously decide to pay my poor country a visit just for kicks lulz).

I like how, on the first date, it was the strolling that we both enjoyed the most, apart from each other's company, when we saw that the tickets to Manila Ocean Park were expensive. (many others would persist all to save face and appear more than what their wallet really has idk)

And even today, I enjoyed regardless of my blunder. I hope he truly did too. 

I'm in love and I really love him.

I also like this compliment from him, so I'm keeping it here because no one's said this before:

Also him just this morning: 

Hihi.

More dramatic posts on here may still come your way on some days in the future, and I hope that he and I overcome them just as we did this one.

To be honest, medyo naiisip kong baka sa simula lang pala siya magaling. Iniisip ko ring pwedeng nawawalan na siya ng gana kasi ang dalas ko ring toyoin or maybe he never really was that into me. It is what it is. Such is life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hinihintay kong duguin ako.

Problem #1, what if kina Matt ako datnan? Problem #2, what if matagusan ko beddings? Problem #3, day 1-3 is always a bitch, what then?

Problem #4, what if sa Cebu/Bohol ako datnan?

Problem #5, nag-SL ako at hinahanap ako ng boss ko kasi half day lang dapat.

Problem #6, karma is a bitch I suppose. Ganito pala feeling pag tinotokis ng gusto mong kasama. Karma is a bitch nga. Ang crappy sa feeling. 

Kanina pa pala akong 4am gising. Siguro eto na nga lesson ko. Di na ako mag-iinvest as much. I don't like feeling like this. Pwedeng clouded lang judgment ko, pero what if masyadong maaga nga akong um-oo? Maybe I should've waited till next year or something. 

 I was thinking maybe I could leave Bebu with my father, but my dog is just too pure for that and deserves better.

It's unfortunate that there's no magic cure to this; I wish there was. I'm perfectly aware that there are people who care for me, but I feel so disconnected and the largest part on why that is is on me, but self-awareness can only get you so far, no?

I wish I felt better. I wish I was better. Ayoko na dito, pero mas ayokong maging pabigat nga lang sa mga malalapit sa akin at the moment. I was thinking maybe I could just go to Batangas should I fully decide to get it done and over with. What I'd pay to see my father devastated if he were to learn of it. Hopefully my mom finds out too and I hope it hurts them both to death. Schadenfreude nga, sabi nila. I wish letting go of baggage was easy. I want to get over everything, truly, but I can't. And I badly, badly wish I could. Ayoko nang dala-dala 'to. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung anu-ano pa ba talagang tangan-tangan ko. 

If you're close to me, please don't try to make me feel better. Pity would only worsen it, and while I'm sure you have the best of intentions, my brain won't be able to fully make sense of it. Thanks. 

Came across this link while I was looking up interpretations on dreams of past and current lovers in a threesome setup because SO dreamt of it. Most of the results were meh; compiled them all in this one MS Word file and sent it to SO 

songs:

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i dont know how i feel these days when i think about it. or maybe i shouldnt be thinking too hard about it to start with. 

i feel like crap theres nothing to look forward to ahha still wont mind being deleted from existence 

Ang unpleasant ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. I'm still on the fence about that team building this weekend. Everyone says maybe human interaction would improve my disposition but what good use is forcing myself to mingle when I don't like the people I'm/I'll be with? I still may flake. Bahala na yung 600. 

Umiiyak ako ngayon pero di pa rin naiibsan yung nararamdaman ko, whatever this is. I can't even explain it, pero my best bet is eto yung onset nung naramdaman ko dating parang humihiwalay yung utak/kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko. Ang sakit sa ulo. I'm doing my best to function, but to no avail.

Ayoko na talaga. Gusto ko na talagang maglaho. Parang gusto ko na lang gumawa ng kung anu-anong impulsive na mga bagay and waste away, waste myself away, waste away my life.

I'm tired of everything seryoso. Alam kong paulit-ulit, but I mean it everytime. 

Siguro maybe in the future if I'd be given the choice between avoiding a gory death but continue living as a consequence OR ending life but thru violent means, I may eventually find comfort in the latter.

Life isn't all that bad, I swear I know, but I still can't bear it for some reason. I don't know why this is, or where this dissatisfaction is still coming from. I have no expectations in life anymore, kaya nga dead weight na lang ako eh, but even then, this still happens.

I just want this to end please. Di ko na kaya. Ang sakit na sobra sa puso. It's like my heart is being clawed out of my chest. It physically hurts so much. 

 Umay

Nakakasawa kayong lahat. Yun lang. 

 Maybe I never really changed. 

Sabi naman ni Aj, normal lang maging curious about the people who were/are in your life. Eh. Parang nagsisisi ako sa desisyon ko nung weekend. Idk. Bahala na lang. Umay ng buwan na 'to. Also baka papasukin kami sa Thanksgiving at Black Friday. Umay. Bahala na. Siguro, mainam na mag-tone down na lang din ako sa interaction ko. Mag-uninstall na lang ako ng ig. Kaya ko naman. 

Sorry I'm too drained to bother with a song for you. I know it's been a while. Sorry. 

 I feel like crap I wanna go home and be alone I want the ground to swallow me whole I don't know why I'm here I feel glued where I am I want to leave idk why I'm here I don't serve any purpose 

 I now feel like crap. I wish those around me don't take it upon them to make me feel better. I'm sorry I can't pretend I'm chirpy

Tumayo ako and nag pause to let it sink in na I'm a year older para magmoment sana kumbaga but u know what idc ATM haaha niways airways ehhhhhhhh sana matae na ako yan ang bday wish ko 

 I hug my pillow as I get ready to sleep. My head goes "I love him!" nonstop, more times than my poor brain can process.

Ah. 

 I've been feeling like crap a lot lately and I cannot function at work. I've wasted two days at work now. 

Was looking at all the stuff on my Google Drive and came across this list I made 2 years ago.

Ang hirap paniwalaang I've let 2 yrs just pass by me like that. I don't know what to feel. 

I feel so lucky.  :( 

i feel so dead. SKL

So cute. 

Idk why my feelings are so intense i love him so much and fine ive had a lot of moments when i'd realize im down so bad but i never really acknowledged them until now. anyway :( i hope this doesnt scare him off also i feel so ugly and bloated but bc i ate a lot of chicken wings and i had sisig rice very salty i will have to detox maybe use laxative idk i love him so much

I dont know where to put all these feelings they're just overflowing. i love him so much

 Had a bad dream about my dad. He'd kidnap girls and then idk sell them off for prostitution idk. In my dream ppl around me looked down on me bc of that but I felt helpless abt it. In my dream kinidnap niya yung kawork ko tapos as in chinloroform niya talaga tapos I did what I could to ask for help sinumbong ko siya. Tas nung dala dala niya na palabas yung babae nung pinipigilan niya ako mag video nabangga siya tapos nagising ako

Made me think how much I've told Matt about my family. And if he doesn't know those things, I wonder if he won't think of me any less as a person. 

Skeri. 

Basta ako I'll hold it in I won't say it first. Kawawa ako. Either siya mauuna o sasabog na lang ako 

He wrote this. Thank you. Pero maganda na rin tong wala sa aking padalos-dalos lang. If he says the L word baka mapressure lang ako. Ok na rin to. Gnite sry I'm sleepy 

I hope this will make sense.

But I care for this person so much that I want to feel like I would have to otherwise explode before I name it as what I would've already by now if it were a few years back. I want to reach the point of no return first, because maybe I don't want to go back anymore. I think this is where I want to be. I don't know where this even leads, but I'm finally okay with not knowing. And while this story has for sure been told in some other side of the world, I don't feel like I'm living in a simulation or following a formula. I don't feel the need to play God and guess what happens next. I see the possibilities, but I'm content with just letting things unfold and happen as they do. He makes it easier to believe in the good and stop my habit of starting unproductive self-fulfilling prophecies. Maybe even turn it to a positive loop or something. 

He makes want to hope again. 

I want it to be as real and as sure as possible. I want to be the surest I can be. And I'm still not there yet, but I feel it won't be a long hike. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did. I want to be the best I can be if I push for this.

And I think long hikes would stop to exist with 

him. I feel like at some point in time, no extreme will ever be enough, or feel like the last, and so we'll go on till life permits. 

I like that I'm alone with my thoughts tonight. I'm crying to this song right now. Haven't cried this much and feel this achingly for a long time. 

I'm okay. 

Just realized this difference between how I'd wait to reach my breaking point before cutting people loose and how I'm waiting to reach my breaking point before I begin this.

I hope that's good. It feels okay. 

It's so much easier to deal with the rage from things that are work-related than with the numbness of this life I chose.

I like the times when we talk, and on the times when we don't, I like to think of you. 

 you know what they say about having a person who can take you to the highest of heights which also means giving them the power to push you off the cliff? idrk what exactly the line was but all i can say is that right now i think im just liking this person even more. idk if it's right or wrong but im not really complaining. i think despite everything maybe everything's just okay....

napansin ko lang no, i feel so suffocated sa office. i think i may need to request na mag WFH na. siguro by my next evals na lang tapos aasikasuhin ko na ngang magpakabit ng internet din. 

eto secret lang: yung ganitong take it slow kineso ay medyo nakakatakot kasi mas lumalalim. if u know u know if u dont eh di sad

 im so fucked in the head i think i feel awful

 I hope I'm just overthinking and that my gut feeling is wrong. Mahirap ngang mag-let loose lang. I think I feel detached. I hope I'm wrong. I hope he's not like the rest. I'm not sure if I'm just spiralling lol bahala na 

 I like this pace. 

I feel suffocated. Hindi ako makahinga. I think I feel like crap. I'm reminded of how this is not the life I want, not the life I ever wanted or will ever want. It's the only the peace I want, but wow, it has taken a lot from me. Naiiyak ako kaso kasi nasa desk ko ako lol 

I think I want to be alone. 

May bawi nga yata talaga lahat. Okay lang. Di naman na bago. I'm trying my best to keep from resorting to my old way of becoming difficult during times like this. Idk. Maybe it'll be better in the morning. 

I feel so lucky that how being with this person I'm seeing right now just feels right. While it's not easy to be vulnerable generally speaking, it's easier with him. I still have some struggles here and there, but I really want to overcome those. It's also nice how I don't have to be anything more but myself. I can just think out loud and we can laugh at the stupidest things together. We don't have to act or talk smart (but I know he is), we can just walk the entire night, sleep the whole day away, and it'll still be a good time.

It feels nice. I want to be with this person more. The songs are starting to sound like they've been made for him all along. I want to share the good parts of my days with him and feel him close during the bad. 

Ang corny but I think of him when I think of eating smth that makes me happy. 

I like him a lot.

 Costar said something about crying 

And while work was tiring like always, I wasn't as stressed as before. This guy and I were talking about not feeling like working and filing for leave and yes, I shared that I'll be on leave the day after my birthday (it falls on Sunday) so that I can avoid greetings because it only makes me feel awkward. Then he offered to go on leave din the day after my birthday, and it could be the hormones, I don't know, pero naiyak ako. I think it's the first time someone offered to do something like that. Parang ma-effort kasi. Kasi like??? Maglileave ka sa work?? We can celebrate naman sa weekend or find time, pero to go on leave din just to be with me? :( I feel so soft like idk if it's the good kind or not.

Di pa rin ako makapaniwalang this is happening for me srsly. Too good to be true nga. Pero syempre ayoko namang i-spoil. Pag masyadong skeptical, it ruins things. Pero may times pa ring di ako makapaniwalang andyan siya? Kasi kahit ako naboboringan sa sarili ko? Like we don't even talk about anything groundbreaking, just about how our days went. Pero naghehesitate pa rin ako kasi di ako sure how much I should be sharing. Ayoko namang magmukhang pagdudump lang ang personality ko. I don't really think I'm interesting. I also don't want to try to be interesting or anything. I don't have the energy to do that. Tsaka alam mo, kahit na nakakakilig yung idea na someone's taken an interest in you, it's also scary to think of what happens next when the things that were once interesting lose their sparkle and become more and more familiar by the day. The thought of interest being that glue that holds  people together scares me. What comes after all the pages are turned and all the lines are read? 

Also, on most days, I'm just tired. 

I don't do anything special with my life. So I don't know how to hold his interest. I don't have it in me to be just some person's stopover before the great thing.

I don't really feel pretty. Compliments still make me feel weird. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 

The only consolation here was when I reactivated my Facebook account and looked up some of his writings, and when his words became more personal, I stopped reading. So yay for me kasi di na ako nag-open ng can of worms at naghanap ng ikaka-overthink ko lalo. 

And I'll only say this here, but I've been wanting to kiss this person a lot. Like a lot, and it feels like the closest way to satisfy this need is to wear him on my skin, but even that doesn't seem anywhere near or close enough.

like i need to consume u and keep even just a little part of you in me until i run out of my fix and i have to take u in again

I know, it sounds crazy lol

I also don't know how to navigate this. I don't know when is too soon or too long. 

I've also been playing this song nonstop, and ang timely lang how it's about new things.

I'm also scared to say this din kasi baka ma-jinx, pero remember Reyna read shit for me? 

May ibang parts na nagresonate ngayon, yun lang about sa Pisces ang hindi, kasi dapat daw big 6, pero kung counted ang Jupiter eh di yes. Tsaka Jupiter rin chart ruler niya. 

Sana may sahod na. Gusto kong magkaraoke at mag-ukay. 

Me today!