too lazy & drained for words; my days in photos. and then, an afterthought

I think I've cemented my place in your life as at least your first girlfriend and that's pretty much it. Somewhat similar to when adolescents have sex the first time, you and I are just a moment to cross off of a to-do list, our few days reduced to a box marked done and over with. Hopefully on a pastel sticky note, at least. 

I don't feel like you really want me. It feels like we're only together because you've resigned to make do with whatever available fragments there are of the one you've loved your whole life.

You make me feel like I'm yet another forgettable female side character to your male protagonist, a gateway girl in my own movie. 

Always a Rosaline.

The painter's botched replica of a scene in the park. 

Nothing more than an attempt at a fantasy of another life.

 

we're now okay

We're now okay.

Thanks for dropping by and checking in. I like how we talked about it; it wasn't angry and messy and deafening like in the movies. Think Baumbach's Marriage Story. You know which part. And we were far from that scene. I think we handled it pretty well.

Some days, he makes me want to start dreaming again and tonight, he's reminded me that even with the bad, when it's with his company, it's easier to brush them off and just take them on. I hope this doesn't sound dependent. I think I've coped with my life okay naman on my own so far, but it's different when your day is closely linked with someone. It's the same level of difficulty when you're on your commute past the wee hours of the night or morning, and you have someone with you. You can't think just for yourself anymore. You have to turn your head every once in a while to make sure the other person's catching up too while you run after your ride, or better yet, you hold their hand and it's either the two of you get on or nobody does. 

Siguro I say that bit kasi I remember how we still had a good time despite walking in the rain with only his small and slightly bent and worn out pink umbrella (romantic in the movies, but very shitty in real life, especially when you live in Manila, where roofs come flying off of houses every typhoon season or even when it isn't, as long as a typhoon or two spontaneously decide to pay my poor country a visit just for kicks lulz).

I like how, on the first date, it was the strolling that we both enjoyed the most, apart from each other's company, when we saw that the tickets to Manila Ocean Park were expensive. (many others would persist all to save face and appear more than what their wallet really has idk)

And even today, I enjoyed regardless of my blunder. I hope he truly did too. 

I'm in love and I really love him.

I also like this compliment from him, so I'm keeping it here because no one's said this before:

Also him just this morning: 

Hihi.

More dramatic posts on here may still come your way on some days in the future, and I hope that he and I overcome them just as we did this one.

To be honest, medyo naiisip kong baka sa simula lang pala siya magaling. Iniisip ko ring pwedeng nawawalan na siya ng gana kasi ang dalas ko ring toyoin or maybe he never really was that into me. It is what it is. Such is life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hinihintay kong duguin ako.

Problem #1, what if kina Matt ako datnan? Problem #2, what if matagusan ko beddings? Problem #3, day 1-3 is always a bitch, what then?

Problem #4, what if sa Cebu/Bohol ako datnan?

Problem #5, nag-SL ako at hinahanap ako ng boss ko kasi half day lang dapat.

Problem #6, karma is a bitch I suppose. Ganito pala feeling pag tinotokis ng gusto mong kasama. Karma is a bitch nga. Ang crappy sa feeling. 

Kanina pa pala akong 4am gising. Siguro eto na nga lesson ko. Di na ako mag-iinvest as much. I don't like feeling like this. Pwedeng clouded lang judgment ko, pero what if masyadong maaga nga akong um-oo? Maybe I should've waited till next year or something. 

 I was thinking maybe I could leave Bebu with my father, but my dog is just too pure for that and deserves better.

It's unfortunate that there's no magic cure to this; I wish there was. I'm perfectly aware that there are people who care for me, but I feel so disconnected and the largest part on why that is is on me, but self-awareness can only get you so far, no?

I wish I felt better. I wish I was better. Ayoko na dito, pero mas ayokong maging pabigat nga lang sa mga malalapit sa akin at the moment. I was thinking maybe I could just go to Batangas should I fully decide to get it done and over with. What I'd pay to see my father devastated if he were to learn of it. Hopefully my mom finds out too and I hope it hurts them both to death. Schadenfreude nga, sabi nila. I wish letting go of baggage was easy. I want to get over everything, truly, but I can't. And I badly, badly wish I could. Ayoko nang dala-dala 'to. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung anu-ano pa ba talagang tangan-tangan ko. 

If you're close to me, please don't try to make me feel better. Pity would only worsen it, and while I'm sure you have the best of intentions, my brain won't be able to fully make sense of it. Thanks. 

Came across this link while I was looking up interpretations on dreams of past and current lovers in a threesome setup because SO dreamt of it. Most of the results were meh; compiled them all in this one MS Word file and sent it to SO 

songs:

one

two

i dont know how i feel these days when i think about it. or maybe i shouldnt be thinking too hard about it to start with. 

i feel like crap theres nothing to look forward to ahha still wont mind being deleted from existence 

Ang unpleasant ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. I'm still on the fence about that team building this weekend. Everyone says maybe human interaction would improve my disposition but what good use is forcing myself to mingle when I don't like the people I'm/I'll be with? I still may flake. Bahala na yung 600. 

Umiiyak ako ngayon pero di pa rin naiibsan yung nararamdaman ko, whatever this is. I can't even explain it, pero my best bet is eto yung onset nung naramdaman ko dating parang humihiwalay yung utak/kaluluwa ko sa katawan ko. Ang sakit sa ulo. I'm doing my best to function, but to no avail.

Ayoko na talaga. Gusto ko na talagang maglaho. Parang gusto ko na lang gumawa ng kung anu-anong impulsive na mga bagay and waste away, waste myself away, waste away my life.

I'm tired of everything seryoso. Alam kong paulit-ulit, but I mean it everytime. 

Siguro maybe in the future if I'd be given the choice between avoiding a gory death but continue living as a consequence OR ending life but thru violent means, I may eventually find comfort in the latter.

Life isn't all that bad, I swear I know, but I still can't bear it for some reason. I don't know why this is, or where this dissatisfaction is still coming from. I have no expectations in life anymore, kaya nga dead weight na lang ako eh, but even then, this still happens.

I just want this to end please. Di ko na kaya. Ang sakit na sobra sa puso. It's like my heart is being clawed out of my chest. It physically hurts so much. 

 Umay

Nakakasawa kayong lahat. Yun lang. 

 Maybe I never really changed. 

Sabi naman ni Aj, normal lang maging curious about the people who were/are in your life. Eh. Parang nagsisisi ako sa desisyon ko nung weekend. Idk. Bahala na lang. Umay ng buwan na 'to. Also baka papasukin kami sa Thanksgiving at Black Friday. Umay. Bahala na. Siguro, mainam na mag-tone down na lang din ako sa interaction ko. Mag-uninstall na lang ako ng ig. Kaya ko naman. 

Sorry I'm too drained to bother with a song for you. I know it's been a while. Sorry. 

 I feel like crap I wanna go home and be alone I want the ground to swallow me whole I don't know why I'm here I feel glued where I am I want to leave idk why I'm here I don't serve any purpose 

 I now feel like crap. I wish those around me don't take it upon them to make me feel better. I'm sorry I can't pretend I'm chirpy

Tumayo ako and nag pause to let it sink in na I'm a year older para magmoment sana kumbaga but u know what idc ATM haaha niways airways ehhhhhhhh sana matae na ako yan ang bday wish ko 

 I hug my pillow as I get ready to sleep. My head goes "I love him!" nonstop, more times than my poor brain can process.

Ah. 

 I've been feeling like crap a lot lately and I cannot function at work. I've wasted two days at work now. 

Was looking at all the stuff on my Google Drive and came across this list I made 2 years ago.

Ang hirap paniwalaang I've let 2 yrs just pass by me like that. I don't know what to feel. 

I feel so lucky.  :( 

i feel so dead. SKL

So cute. 

Idk why my feelings are so intense i love him so much and fine ive had a lot of moments when i'd realize im down so bad but i never really acknowledged them until now. anyway :( i hope this doesnt scare him off also i feel so ugly and bloated but bc i ate a lot of chicken wings and i had sisig rice very salty i will have to detox maybe use laxative idk i love him so much

I dont know where to put all these feelings they're just overflowing. i love him so much

 Had a bad dream about my dad. He'd kidnap girls and then idk sell them off for prostitution idk. In my dream ppl around me looked down on me bc of that but I felt helpless abt it. In my dream kinidnap niya yung kawork ko tapos as in chinloroform niya talaga tapos I did what I could to ask for help sinumbong ko siya. Tas nung dala dala niya na palabas yung babae nung pinipigilan niya ako mag video nabangga siya tapos nagising ako

Made me think how much I've told Matt about my family. And if he doesn't know those things, I wonder if he won't think of me any less as a person. 

Skeri. 

Basta ako I'll hold it in I won't say it first. Kawawa ako. Either siya mauuna o sasabog na lang ako 

He wrote this. Thank you. Pero maganda na rin tong wala sa aking padalos-dalos lang. If he says the L word baka mapressure lang ako. Ok na rin to. Gnite sry I'm sleepy 

I hope this will make sense.

But I care for this person so much that I want to feel like I would have to otherwise explode before I name it as what I would've already by now if it were a few years back. I want to reach the point of no return first, because maybe I don't want to go back anymore. I think this is where I want to be. I don't know where this even leads, but I'm finally okay with not knowing. And while this story has for sure been told in some other side of the world, I don't feel like I'm living in a simulation or following a formula. I don't feel the need to play God and guess what happens next. I see the possibilities, but I'm content with just letting things unfold and happen as they do. He makes it easier to believe in the good and stop my habit of starting unproductive self-fulfilling prophecies. Maybe even turn it to a positive loop or something. 

He makes want to hope again. 

I want it to be as real and as sure as possible. I want to be the surest I can be. And I'm still not there yet, but I feel it won't be a long hike. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did. I want to be the best I can be if I push for this.

And I think long hikes would stop to exist with 

him. I feel like at some point in time, no extreme will ever be enough, or feel like the last, and so we'll go on till life permits. 

I like that I'm alone with my thoughts tonight. I'm crying to this song right now. Haven't cried this much and feel this achingly for a long time. 

I'm okay. 

Just realized this difference between how I'd wait to reach my breaking point before cutting people loose and how I'm waiting to reach my breaking point before I begin this.

I hope that's good. It feels okay. 

It's so much easier to deal with the rage from things that are work-related than with the numbness of this life I chose.

I like the times when we talk, and on the times when we don't, I like to think of you. 

 you know what they say about having a person who can take you to the highest of heights which also means giving them the power to push you off the cliff? idrk what exactly the line was but all i can say is that right now i think im just liking this person even more. idk if it's right or wrong but im not really complaining. i think despite everything maybe everything's just okay....

napansin ko lang no, i feel so suffocated sa office. i think i may need to request na mag WFH na. siguro by my next evals na lang tapos aasikasuhin ko na ngang magpakabit ng internet din. 

eto secret lang: yung ganitong take it slow kineso ay medyo nakakatakot kasi mas lumalalim. if u know u know if u dont eh di sad

 im so fucked in the head i think i feel awful

 I hope I'm just overthinking and that my gut feeling is wrong. Mahirap ngang mag-let loose lang. I think I feel detached. I hope I'm wrong. I hope he's not like the rest. I'm not sure if I'm just spiralling lol bahala na 

 I like this pace. 

I feel suffocated. Hindi ako makahinga. I think I feel like crap. I'm reminded of how this is not the life I want, not the life I ever wanted or will ever want. It's the only the peace I want, but wow, it has taken a lot from me. Naiiyak ako kaso kasi nasa desk ko ako lol 

I think I want to be alone. 

May bawi nga yata talaga lahat. Okay lang. Di naman na bago. I'm trying my best to keep from resorting to my old way of becoming difficult during times like this. Idk. Maybe it'll be better in the morning. 

I feel so lucky that how being with this person I'm seeing right now just feels right. While it's not easy to be vulnerable generally speaking, it's easier with him. I still have some struggles here and there, but I really want to overcome those. It's also nice how I don't have to be anything more but myself. I can just think out loud and we can laugh at the stupidest things together. We don't have to act or talk smart (but I know he is), we can just walk the entire night, sleep the whole day away, and it'll still be a good time.

It feels nice. I want to be with this person more. The songs are starting to sound like they've been made for him all along. I want to share the good parts of my days with him and feel him close during the bad. 

Ang corny but I think of him when I think of eating smth that makes me happy. 

I like him a lot.

 Costar said something about crying 

And while work was tiring like always, I wasn't as stressed as before. This guy and I were talking about not feeling like working and filing for leave and yes, I shared that I'll be on leave the day after my birthday (it falls on Sunday) so that I can avoid greetings because it only makes me feel awkward. Then he offered to go on leave din the day after my birthday, and it could be the hormones, I don't know, pero naiyak ako. I think it's the first time someone offered to do something like that. Parang ma-effort kasi. Kasi like??? Maglileave ka sa work?? We can celebrate naman sa weekend or find time, pero to go on leave din just to be with me? :( I feel so soft like idk if it's the good kind or not.

Di pa rin ako makapaniwalang this is happening for me srsly. Too good to be true nga. Pero syempre ayoko namang i-spoil. Pag masyadong skeptical, it ruins things. Pero may times pa ring di ako makapaniwalang andyan siya? Kasi kahit ako naboboringan sa sarili ko? Like we don't even talk about anything groundbreaking, just about how our days went. Pero naghehesitate pa rin ako kasi di ako sure how much I should be sharing. Ayoko namang magmukhang pagdudump lang ang personality ko. I don't really think I'm interesting. I also don't want to try to be interesting or anything. I don't have the energy to do that. Tsaka alam mo, kahit na nakakakilig yung idea na someone's taken an interest in you, it's also scary to think of what happens next when the things that were once interesting lose their sparkle and become more and more familiar by the day. The thought of interest being that glue that holds  people together scares me. What comes after all the pages are turned and all the lines are read? 

Also, on most days, I'm just tired. 

I don't do anything special with my life. So I don't know how to hold his interest. I don't have it in me to be just some person's stopover before the great thing.

I don't really feel pretty. Compliments still make me feel weird. I feel like I'll never be good enough. 

The only consolation here was when I reactivated my Facebook account and looked up some of his writings, and when his words became more personal, I stopped reading. So yay for me kasi di na ako nag-open ng can of worms at naghanap ng ikaka-overthink ko lalo. 

And I'll only say this here, but I've been wanting to kiss this person a lot. Like a lot, and it feels like the closest way to satisfy this need is to wear him on my skin, but even that doesn't seem anywhere near or close enough.

like i need to consume u and keep even just a little part of you in me until i run out of my fix and i have to take u in again

I know, it sounds crazy lol

I also don't know how to navigate this. I don't know when is too soon or too long. 

I've also been playing this song nonstop, and ang timely lang how it's about new things.

I'm also scared to say this din kasi baka ma-jinx, pero remember Reyna read shit for me? 

May ibang parts na nagresonate ngayon, yun lang about sa Pisces ang hindi, kasi dapat daw big 6, pero kung counted ang Jupiter eh di yes. Tsaka Jupiter rin chart ruler niya. 

Sana may sahod na. Gusto kong magkaraoke at mag-ukay. 

Me today!

 i hope im doing things right this time around. work was great yesterday. someone's giving me the cold shoulder at work, and i'd be ok I'm even relieved for the quiet, but the idea that someone's mad at me makes me feel uneasy but ill hopefully get over it.

in other news, im also a little scared. i don't want to elaborate. i can't. or maybe i can. im scared of when it gets messy, if it does. or if it ends up im not rly good enough. i suppose im scared of being eventually abandoned in the trenches. 

im feeling insecure ig.

im not gonna share any further. gnite. 

I'm at a standstill—

There's a small desire to share whatever this is with the very tiny world I exist in, but at the same time, I'm a little anxious about jinxes.

So we're going here instead. 

It's also my mom's birthday. Hope today treats us both well. 

This is the calmest my life has ever been the whole time I've lived it, but every so often I still get afraid that I might not be living my life the right way, and I'm not where I'm supposed to be, and that I'll end up becoming the very thing I've wished to avoid. 

Totoo yung meme abt listening to the person you like talk + I rly enjoy it talaga I'm not doing it bc of the person but also I think it's adorable whenever it happens 

Naalala ko mama ko ulit. Nabanggit nitong ~ka-talking stage~ ko (idk what to call him and I don't wanna namedrop just yet) na malungkot tumanda sa hindi mo bansa, tapos naalala ko yung sinasabi ng mama ko dati na mas pipiliin niya pang mamatay sa ibang bansa kesa umuwi dito. May attachment siya sa family (I mean like my grandpa, her dad) pero at the same time di maganda para sa sarili niya na umuwi that's what I remember I might be remembering it wrong. I think it may also be because of me. 

Siguro kahit malungkot siya sa labas, she'll get by. I'm like her in that regard, kaya namin parehas mag-isa. Ang interesting lang how we're similar in ways and yet at the same time, we can't stand each other, and that's not bc of what they say na galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw, but more like I'm one of the main reasons why she wasn't able to fulfill the things she wants for herself. I feel sad for her about this, really. It stings din on my part, pero it's an ache I can live with for the rest of my life na. 

Naalala ko she'd say something na baka dumating daw sa point na ipadala na nga lang yung puntod niya pauwi ng Pilipinas, I think like that's the only way she'll go home at that point.

Birthday din ng mama ko bukas; sana mawala sa isip ko. 

 Why was I even stressed? I love siomai I am renewed 

 I think I'm not yet ready. I'm not sure if I'm only saying this bc it's been a bad day, but I feel so hollow. I don't believe I have enough of myself to share with somebody else.

I don't think I'm enough yet. I don't know if I've just gotten used to the solitude and it's turned to a safe space. I don't know if I'm just scared of putting myself through the same things that broke me. Ayoko lang talagang magkamali ulit. Or makasakit. Especially when it could be prevented. 

This may be stemming from the helplessness I feel towards that person. The most I can do is listen. I do care, but it's not all the time that the care we have for people comes across or translates to actions that make them feel better. And I know better than to wish for something futile. And lazy and complacent. 

I asked some people I like from work to drink later at 10AM, pero parang nagsisisi ako. Parang gusto kong uminom at mag-isang magmunimuni. 

Here's my safe spot when I don't feel like eating at work or when I don't want to see anyone's face:

I'm half-worried I might get shot here, what with the news of the recent killing of a critic of the previous admin. And in one of the (supposedly) safest places here in my part of the world. But half of me also gives zero fucks.

I have nothing to lose. I have nothing going for me. Or anything to hold on to here. Still won't mind dying.

I just don't have any burial plans yet. That's my biggest concern for when I die. Otherwise, I'd have been gone a long time ago. 

I'm tired. Like I said before, I'm only okay on some days because I just let the days pass. I don't think about the future. I don't think about wanting. I don't think of wanting better for myself.

But even that's become tiring too.

I'll get through the day like I always do. Will I feel better though? I'm not sure either. I can only hope. 

 It always sucks, leaving one home for another, one after the other. 

I feel a little ache in my heart when someone feels grateful or happy over something that should be the norm. Makes me wonder how badly they were treated or unappreciated. 

Song.

 Kinakabahan ako kasi ako na mismo nagtanong when 2nd date. Di naman ako nagmamadali 🥹 pero parang nagsisisi ako kasi baka nga overeager EWAN HOW DOES DATING WORK PARANG GUSTO KO BIGLANG LAMUNIN NG LUPA NA LANG 

I am charmed. What the heal! Alam mo gusto malaman how I was dati to check if gaya lang ba ako ng dati. I really don't want to engage in smth that'll just turn out like the others. While totoong walang guarantee naman talaga, siguro gusto ko ma-ensure na I'm doing it right na lang, ganon. And it was nice we could be open abt our thoughts. I can't believe I was able to share a few of the stuff that were on my previous entries. Like, I may not have shared everything, but I've shared some of the important points. That's nice. And oo alam ko part ng branding ko ang self deprecating humor at ang pagiging miserable pero like, I really don't feel like self-pitying. Oo, may insecurities pa rin ako, pero di ako gaanong nagdudwell dun. Siguro mas madali na lang sa akin ngayong mag-go with the flow kung anuman mangyari dito. 

It's way too early to make any sort of declarations, and I guess I'm glad the past has taught me to be cautious in that regard or to word it a little better, to not rush into things, but I will not lie, I am charmed by this person. Like, it wasn't hard to just act like myself around him, and I'm glad that he felt the same way (he said this, I'm not being delusional).

Hindi siya condescending, he was nice, he was upfront, he wasn't a creep, he's smart, he really is funny lol not a scam!! And I admire how he's honest and how he holds himself accountable for some mistakes he's done before and it was cute that he apologized abt smth he had to deal with tho I (tried to) reassure him that he shouldn't have to say sorry about it bc he really doesn't have to naman talaga. We haven't really established what we are or any rules for whatever this, and I'm not saying we have to lmao it's just the first date, but ayun, he's ok. And even if we were already, say, exclusive, when it happened, I guess he was just tying up loose ends. I can only hope that if whatever's going on is to progress, that there'd be no hang ups on both our ends. 

Well. It looks promising. Pero I don't have my head up in the clouds. I'm just open to whatever this leads to, and even if ~we don't happen~, I'll be okay I think. I'm hopeful for the best, whatever that may be. Subjective naman ang best din when it comes to things like these, so I'm sure whatever the best is, I'll get it. Sorry if that did not make sense good morning. 

I don't think I need to go into detail and elaborate what happened yesterday on here, because I don't think I'll forget, and even if I do, he'll remember. Lol. 

Hmm, siguro if anything, I wish I didn't feel awkward in front of the camera. I understand he takes photos. But I always feel awkward getting my pics taken unless it's a groufie ba or something with friends o ano. I just feel awkward sorry hope he wasn't offended

 Hindi ko alam anong masasabi ko.